– Saturday, April 7th, –

About 2 years ago, I was forced out of the closet in high school. About two years ago, I lost practically all my friends, and I solely leaned onto Stan, Felix, and even still Emma a bit.

About a year ago, I had build up a new life, learned who I could trust, but pushed them out of my life myself; still feeling lonely because Finnley was jumping back and forth between showing interest, and completely pushing me away. About a year ago, Stan and I finalized our agreement not to sleep with each other again. But we remained best friends.

Him, Nathan, me. We were thick as thieves and whenever something was wrong with either one of us, we'd call the others and support each other.

Right now, I feel as if I have nothing.

My jealousy too big to feel happy for Stan to have his boyfriend back with him. My jealousy preventing me from actually feeling relieved and happy Nathan is safe and well at home.

My jealousy is ruining everything, and it's too big to look past.

I'm a monster whenever I'm like this, and it's the sole reason I find myself at the doorstep of my parents' house.

I envy Nathan and Stan. I envy their relationship, I envy the fact they're together.

I hatehow I'm alone, how nobody feels the exact way like I do. How Sam is trying, since he was in a similar position for two years. But even he seems to have forgotten how lonely it can be to have that one person you like to have around, isn't around.

And he didn't even love Alex the way I love Finnley.

I'm no longer able to keep up my appearance, and I think if I would go back to my own apartment in the state I am now, I would fight with Stan and Nathan the second I'd see them hug again.

I would probably blame them for feeling lonely, I would probably throw it in Nathan's face that I feel as if Finnley deserved to be saved more then he did.

It isn't fair, and I know.

Nobody deserves to be in that situation. Not Finnley, but not Nathan either.

And I still can't shake off the feeling that it's unfair that Finnley hasn't been found yet.

I jump in my spot as soon as a car stops behind me, hurrying to slam the key in its lock to hurry inside to the safety of my parents' home.

"Cris." Oliver's voice is riddled with anger and annoyance. "Don't you ever freaking do that again." His footsteps catch up as I turn the key and open the door, turning around to face him.

I'm actually contemplating on closing the door to hide from him.

I don't want to talk to him.

He left me with my depressed thoughts, my loneliness, because he wanted a date with Alex.

"Sam called, everybody was freaking out, because you left. On your own." He grabs hold of my collar and for a second, I think he's angrily going to slam me against a wall, when he pulls me towards him and into a suffocating hug.

"I'm sorry..." That came out without any sincerity to it. I don't feel regret, and I'm not in the mood to pretend I do either.

"Talk to me, Cris," Oliver whispers, still holding me in his arms, as I limply stand there and allow him to keep hugging me.

I simply shake my head, now fighting back tears. I'm an emotional drunk. I've always been one, when not in the right state of mind.

Alcohol seems to enlarge my mood extremely – whichever mood that may be.

Right now? Desperate and depressed.

"Don't shut me out too, Cris." Oliver now pulls back, grabbing my shoulders, shaking me lightly. "You're shutting out Stan and Nathan, you keep Sam, Jaimie and Felix at bay. Don't do that to me too."

"Shouldn't you be with Alex right now?" I bitterly spit at him, pulling away from his hold completely. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine, Cris." Oliver snorts, sending me a scowl afterwards. "You drink more then ever..."

"Says who? The guy who pours vodka into a water bottle and pretends it is water?" I shake my head in disbelieve. "I haven't been drinking in days, how about you?"

Oliver pulls a face, telling me I'm spot on.

"You're an alcoholic, Oliver, I'm not."

Oliver seems to fight back the anger that left him as soon as he allowed his worry to seep through the cracks in his posture. Big, mouthy Oliver, always trying to act though and sarcastic. I know better now.

Oliver is just as insecure as the rest of us, and right now, I need him to leave.

Leave me alone, that is.

And I know I'll get him to leave faster then anything, by insulting him. He simply doesn't know how to deal with me whenever I'm becoming angry at him.

"Go back to Alex. I'll deal with my own shit. You deal with yours." I mutter, stepping inside, quickly closing the door. Hoping that my attitude is enough to keep him from ringing the doorbell and waking up my parents in the middle of the night. He knocks on the door anyway.

"Cristian? Is that you?" Mom sounds worried, and shortly after her voice reached me, I hear footsteps on the stairs, and I already know I woke them up myself, probably because I was too loud to open the door.

"I don't want to talk, mom." I mutter, slumping down on the floor, covering my head with my arms. "I want to be alone."

* * * * *

Off course, mom didn't just accept me coming home drunk, unexpectedly, and depressed more then ever. She wouldn't be my mom if she would brush it off and send me off to bed.

She wouldn't be my mom if she wouldn't have made hot coco – with marshmallows – and sat me down in the kitchen, demanding me to talk to her.

She wouldn't be mom either if she would've left Oliver standing in front of the door.

Which is why I found myself, seated in the kitchen, with a worried mom and a seething Oliver staring at me, awaiting me to spill out whatever got me to act like this.

The silence is painful, awkward and deafening in some way, while I'm pushing around soaked marshmallows in a cold chocolate drink with a spoon, after eating the whipped cream covered in sugar – how I liked it most when I was younger.

Whenever mom gave Finnley and me hot coco on cold winter days, after playing in the snow and building a snowman, or a snow castle, or whatever we could think off.

Finnley and I.

Inseparable until faith – and dickheads – decided to pull us apart.

Glued to each others' sides as much as possible.

Weekly sleep-overs, daily meetings, always sharing secrets.

But never ever have we been separated for longer then maybe three weeks – whenever either one of us would be on vacation. And even half of those times, Finnley either joined us, or I went along with them.

Not until Jeffrey and Sydney decided to hurt him, destroy him to some degree.

"Oh, Cris..." Mom sighs, pulling me in her arms, wiping away a lost tear that I didn't even noticed starting to roll down my cheek.

"I can't..." I whisper with a croaked voice. "I'm done..."

"Don't say that. It'll all be okay..."

"But when, mom!?" I cry out annoyed. "Why can't they find Finnley? All I want is Finnley. I don't care about anything else anymore. If I can't have him with me..."

"Ssh honey." She whispers, rocking me back and forth. "Let's visit his parents first thing tomorrow."

"And how would that help!?" I push her away, sending her an angry look. "So they can rub it in my face that they will never accept us like they would accept a girl to be with him? How I can be reminded that Finnley kept all that shit hidden from me because I was an oblivious idiot that was blind to it? Because he thought I would judge him?"

"Because I'm sure you will feel better once you've spoken to them." Mom cups my face. "Now, tell us what got you this depressed. You seemed okay not too long ago. Not good... but living at least."

"Nathan..." I admit after a short silence. "I'm a jealous monster..."

"Why so?" Oliver snorts again. "Because you're angry they found him, and they have no clue where to look for Finn?" He leans forwards with some sort of determinated look on his face. "I'm angry about that too. Not that I wish Nathan wouldn't have been found. But this is truly unfair and I get the anger."

"Is that it? Are you angry because Nathan is home again?" Mom cocks her head sideways a bit, sending me a curious look.

"Because Finn is not."

"You can't let that anger consume you, Cris. Finn is out there and fighting to get back here with you. You need to keep fighting too." Oliver leans back against the back of his chair, suddenly seemingly exhausted.

"But I'm all alone," I protest. "I can't stand being around happy couples, when my boyfriend, the love of my life, hasn't been with me in months."

"You're not alone..." Oliver also starts to protest, but I cut him short with one angry look.

"I needed you. I called you, I texted you. I told you how shit I felt, how I was about to fight with Stan and Nathan. But you rather went on a date with Alex. I amalone."

"Had I known you were doing this bad, I would've come to you. You know I would. I did everything to help you in the past months."

I huff, but since I know he's right, I remain silent; unwilling to tell him he's right.

"Go to bed, both of you." Mom whispers in my ear, pecking a kiss onto my lobe right afterwards. "We'll talk in the morning, during breakfast."

"I can go..." Oliver starts, getting up from his seat, but mom is quick enough to put her hands on his shoulders.

"You sleep here. It's three at night and I'm not allowing you to leave on your own. Not after what happened to Nathan. They do know you are close to the boys and you helped Finn. You're staying."

Oliver smiles carefully, nods, and gestures for me to go upstairs with him. "Thanks, Mrs. Evans."

"Maria, no Mrs. or any of that official naming. It's making me feel old." She waves us off dismissively.

Oliver and I remain silent afterwards, dressing to get ready for bed in silence, not looking at each other, not telling each other good night as he lays down on the matrass on the ground, and I crawl into the single bed in my old room, already knowing I'm going to sleep in here for a while, not able to go back to be confronted with Nathan and Stan.

I can't risk a fight.

I need some space right now.

– Sunday, April 8th, –

I'm moody the next morning, as mom is adamant about taking me to meet the Lund's to talk. Highly convinced they will be able to cheer me up a bit.

I keep sending mom angry looks on the way over to the Lund's and I refuse to speak to her, since she's practically forcing me to meet with the people I still did not forgive for what they have done to their very own son.

But when the door is opened, it's Charlie that appears in front of us, and I frown and feel confused.

I did not know Charlie forgave his parents, but I guess he did.

I know they're opening up to some things they had been previously against. I know they told everyone sorry for what they did, and I know they are sorry for casting Finnley out.

That does not mean I forgave them, or that I'm willing to act friendly.

Even if they told me they will no longer try to break Finnley and me apart.

"Hey!" Charlie's frown turns into a smile, and he opens his arms invitingly for a brotherly hug.

And since I owe my life to him, I force myself to answer the gesture, even though I don't feel like being touched in any way, or act friendly to anyone.

"Come on in." He gestures us to go inside and I reluctantly follow my mom into the house, through the hallway and living room and into the kitchen that almost feels like a second home.

Half of my mornings during high school, did I hat breakfast in here.

I have no idea how many times I woke up in this house after a wild night out, because Finnley came to pick me up to make sure I would get home safe, and through the night without suffocating in my own vomit.

And again, those memories make my gut wrench, my heart yarn for him to be here again.

If only I could go back in time, realise my feelings sooner, and prevent him from ever meeting Jeffrey in the first place. Or protect him from Sydney, or anyone else who was willing to harm him in any way.

"Maria! Cris!" Eva Lund jumps up from her seat as soon as she notices us, sharing a hug with mom, before smiling awkwardly towards me. "Good to see you again, Cris..." She hesitantly tells me, gesturing for us to take a seat.

Charlie – thankfully – sits down beside me, while mom sits down next to Eva.

"I understood you're not doing too well..." Eva bites her lower lip. "I can only imagine how you feel..."

"He needs to know, Eva." Mom speaks firmly. "This is destroying him. And I can't watch helplessly how my son is suffering as bad as he is for a second longer."

Eva, again biting her lip, looks down towards her hands. "We couldn't... we shouldn't, Maria. We weren't even supposed to share the information with you or Kody."

"What information?" I grumble, annoyed because they kept something hidden from me.

Both mom and Eva ignore me, while Charlie looks back and forth between them confused, before he settles on sending me a questioning look.

I simply shrug in response, telling him I have no idea what this is about.

"They're about to take action." Mom turns further towards Eva, lowering her voice in an angry way. "It's only a matter of hours, maybe a few days. What bad could it do?"

"I don't know, Maria..."

"If there is anything I should know about Finn, then tell me." I spit in her direction in anger. "I have more rights to know anything about him than you do."

Eva's face flushes, while mom shakes her head disapprovingly.

"Now's not the time to point fingers about things that are in the past." Mom lectures me, waving a finger. "Either you tell him, or I will. But he will hear about it today."

"Hear about what? Did they find him?"

Eva takes in a deep breath, sends my mom an annoyed look, and then turns to me, acting a bit insecure and ashamed. "They located Finnley two weeks ago..."

"What!?" Charlie and I both call out in shock in the exact same time.

Eva silences us by holding up her hand. "He is in a safe place, and refuses to come home as long as both Jeffrey and Sydney are still out there."

"But..." I stare at her in disbelief. "Arav told me he was looking for a way to contact me. Why didn't he contact me?"

Eva swallows, looks towards mom shortly, and then turns to face the opening to the hallway. "James? Could you bring in the letter?"

"Letter?" I stare at her with wide eyes, unsure on how to act right now. I want to become angry, but there's also a big feeling of relieve washing over me because I now know Finnley is somewhere safe, awaiting the right moment to come home. "He wrote a letter?"

"The police gave it to us. They didn't want anyone else to know about it, because it could potentially endanger him when the wrong people find out about his whereabouts..."

"But it's a letter. They couldn't possibly find that out through a letter, right?"

"But they would know Finnley is safe. And Sydney is adamant about... taking revenge..." Eva suddenly sounds emotional. "He wants to get back at Finnley for, as he calls it, ruining his life."

"Sydney is crazy." Charlie grumbles beside me, and I nod in agreement, when James enters the kitchen with an awkward smile on his face, offering me an envelope with my name in a way, way too familiar handwriting.

It is still sealed, which surprises me. I would have figured the cops, or his parents, would have opened it to find out what he wrote to me. But I guess at least we have this piece of privacy to keep.

"What action is about to be taken?" Charlie asks, as I stare at the envelope, frozen in my spot as I realise I'm holding something that was held by Finnley, not too long ago.

"They know where Jeffrey is right now, and they're waiting for the right moment to arrest him. I believe they're hoping he will meet with Sydney any day now, so they can arrest Sydney too." Eva's eyes are watery at the thought of her eldest son getting arrested, but I do not feel sorry for him in any way.

Sydney is a sick psycho that deserves to be tortured before they throw in jail for the rest of his life.

But I don't really care right now, because I'm ripping open the envelope with shaky hands, wanting to know badly what Finnley wrote to me.

It's all that matters to me now.