– Friday, March 23rd, –

I frown, confused because I have no idea what the teacher is talking about because I haven't done any of my homework lately. I try to catch up by paying attention now, but I think I'm falling too far behind to know what this is all about right now.

Maybe I should ask Oliver if he's got time to explain this to me, since he's doing the same study, only is he graduating and I'm still in first year.

We do have mentors that are students from Oliver's class, but sadly school didn't put me with Oliver, while we both requested for it.

We told school we hang out a lot and that it would be easier to meet up since we already see each other each day.

But they didn't listen and placed me with Benjamin, one of Oliver's former friends, before they had a falling out and are now sort of frenemies. They hate each other, but by lack of anyone else in their class that is nice – besides a guy named Jasper – they still do projects together. Jasper is their mediator.

And Benjamin isn't a nice guy at all, he never wants to sit down, always telling me he's too busy.

So, maybe take matters into my own hands and ask Oliver to be my mentor anyway.

I don't think Nikki – who is one of the two students that has Oliver as their mentor, would mind my presence.

And then maybe I could try to save whatever I can safe this year, still trying to pass it. Because if I let things continue the way they are now, I'm going to have to retake the year. And only a handful of students ever have been allowed to retake the first year after failing the way I am. And they all had great excuses to fail. One had cancer and had too much treatments to pass, one had a car accident. One lost both his parents.

And those are all perfectly good reasons for students to mess up their school. Those are reasons for the school to give them another shot.

But first year is mostly full of new students and they're not easily willing to let anyone retake the year.

They know about my issues, and I wonder if that is enough of a reason for them to let me do so, if needed.

But I could still try to prevent myself from failing.

Only it would mean I'd have to pass every upcoming presentation, every upcoming project, every upcoming test.

I can't lose any more credits.

I need at least another 30 to make it to the second year.

Long story short, I really need Oliver to help me out. He is one of the best students in his class.

But he's also bothered by Finn's disappearance and not doing great in his graduating research.

"Cris, can I talk to you after class?" Mr. Rivers addresses me, waking me up from my stupor. Last night, I had another nightmare and since Oliver wasn't there to calm me down, it resulted in a panic attack.

And Nathan stayed over at Stan's place, so they couldn't calm me down either.

I didn't sleep at all, and I'm still a bit shaky and restless now.

"Eh..." I was actually planning on leaving right after class to catch up on some sleep.

"We need to talk." It's spoken firm, telling me there's no way for me to get out of this.

"Okay." I nod, still not fully agreeing with this, before I look towards Sam. "Could you wait to drop me off at home again? Oliver isn't in school because he's doing interviews today."

"Sure." Sam nods, sending me a worried look. "I'll wait, no problem."

I nod again, sighing while sliding down in my seat a bit, feeling exhausted and defeated at once. They're going to give me a warning, probably. Mr. Rivers is counsellor to our class and he's the one who keeps track of failing students.

Which would be Paul, Lennard and me.

I think the rest is at least passing the 50 credits that are needed to get into the second year.

Lennard, after the first semester ended, decided on joining a different project group because he felt like he had nothing to say in our group. He joined a group of students that one by one decided the study wasn't what they were looking for and by the end of second semester, Lennard and a girl named Lia were the only ones left of a group of six. They failed the project, losing 5 credits that they can only retake next year. Which means they only had 5 credits left to lose, and rumour has it Lennard failed three tests each period.

At least I managed to get good grades for projects so far. I failed four tests in total, missing eight credits. I will probably fail this class too, so that would leave me with the maximum of 50, which I need.

I can't fail anything else.

But I don't' think this is the only class I am going to fail, and I haven't studied for the tests I need to retake.

Paul is just a bit lazy with his tests, so he's also failing a bunch of those. But he's in the same position as I am; passing projects and presentations, failing a bunch of tests. But he managed to pass two out of four failed tests in January when we could retake them.

I did not.

And I guess school caught up on my 'to cry over grades' and will now give me a negative binding recommendation for next year.

Lennard already got one, which means he won't be allowed to retake the year. And if he doesn't get his act together, he won't make it to second year either.

And I think I'm next.

– Saturday, March 24th, –

I did get an official warning, but I also got offered some help in the form of personal counselling to set up a plan of action to finish the year in the right way.

At least they're not giving up on me yet.

I was a bit surprised for Alex to be with Sam once I got out of my counselling session but smile at him nonetheless.

"Hey!"

"Hi Cris," Alex shuffles a foot and blushes slightly. For some reason Alex always feels uneasy and insecure whenever we meet. I know he'll loosen up in no time. But it's weird that he still doubts if I mind his presence.

Because that is what this is about, so his next question doesn't surprise me at all.

"Is it okay if I hang out with you guys? I mean... if you don't want me here I could call mom to pick me up..."

"No! It's fine. I don't mind." I smirk, putting an arm around his shoulder casually. "Sam and I wanted to go and make our own sushi, put on Breaking Bad and spend a night at home. The more the merrier, right?"

"Really? Because I could leave..."

"No, Alex!" I groan and Sam chuckles, finding Alex' insecurity amusing every so often. If I have to believe Sam, Alex always used to be confident and friends with everybody. A bit like Finnley. He did what he wanted to do, did decent in school, but didn't belong with one specific group of friends. He belonged with everybody.

Two years of abduction and being prostituted against his will completely obliterated his former self.

Which isn't weird if you think about it. But it's why I like to put him in the same room as Oliver. Oliver always seems to get on his nerves in a way that causes him to stand up for himself a bit more.

"But, wait." Alex stops dead in his tracks. "Is Oliver coming too? Because I had my portion of his cocky sarcastic attitude for this week already..."

"Oliver is busy..." I frown shortly, wondering why all of the sudden Oliver hardly has any time to hang out. I saw him on Monday, I saw him on Wednesday. He was on practise on Tuesday, but not yesterday. "It'll be the three of us, and possibly Nathan. But I think Nathan is going to Stan tonight since Sam is sleeping over at my place."

And I haven't seen him in school the entire week either.

And I'm starting to worry about him because it's not like him to hide himself from all of his friends.

"Oh, alright." Alex smiles, but there's something about his smile that I can't explain. But he seems not too happy Nathan might be home for a while.

But trying to figure out what Alex thinks of all my friends will have me occupied until the end of days. He's simply not to straight forward with his opinion about most.

"Let's go." Sam pushes me and Alex forwards and into motion. We walk towards the parking lot and get in Sam's car, Alex calling shotgun.

He tells about the fact he's thinking about going back to school, but I see him scanning our surroundings constantly on our way to my apartment. He keeps fumbling with his panic button and subconsciously he causes me to do the same.

I'm still careful and making sure I'm never truly alone, but I'm not as suspicious about everyone as he is.

But I didn't go through as much as Alex, or Finnley for that matter.

Who knows what he's going through right now. Who knows what is going through Alex' mind when thinking about it.

We head back home, where Sam instantly starts to prepare the rice and other ingredients to make our own sushi, while Alex sets up the table with plates, chopsticks, and other necessities to make the sushi. I myself put on music and call for Nathan to join us.

I find him in the office, working on some homework.

"Bit dark in here, huh?" I flick on the light switch, causing Nathan to look up and smirk.

"Dad was talking about putting in a bigger window. If we do so, we could turn this into your bedroom and turn your bedroom into the office."

"Would be nice to have a bigger room." I nod and smirk, descending the three steps into the office. "If we turn my bedroom into the office, we should put a folding ladder in the hatch to the roof."

Nathan smirks and nods, digging the idea. "Rooftop summer parties..."

"Sunbathing up there would be better too."

"The view would be to die up there."

Nathan and I chuckle shortly, and then I look back towards the kitchen. "Are you joining us for some sushi making and eating?"

"Yeah, I'll eat with you two..."

"Three, Alex joined."

"eat with you three, and then head over to Stan. We'll come and watch the soccer match tomorrow and then Stan is coming this way for the weekend."

"Cool, so I won't get to be alone." I beam up happily, causing Nathan to frown.

"But we both kind of thought you would hang out with Oliver..."

"I'm not sure what's up with him, but every time I ask him to hang out, he's suddenly busy." I shrug for a bit. "And I'm heading over to meet up with Emma tomorrow before soccer..."

Nathan's eyebrows fly up while he gets up from his seat. "You're going to visit Emma again?"

"Yeah... I figured she has all the information I'm dying to know about Finnley." I shrug for a bit, walking back into the living room. "And I just felt the need to talk to her about the letters. The fact Finnley went to visit her."

Nathan nods, and I think he understands why I want to visit her again. And I also think he knows I'm not telling the complete truth about wanting to visit Emma more often.

Because, being completely honest, I want to know if Emma would've one any of the things she did if she wouldn't have mental issues.

I want to know if Emma was a good friend, or if she faked all of it for years simply because of the feelings she had for Finnley.

I want to know if my friendship with Emma, who I trusted with my life for years, was worth all the pain I felt after we fell apart.

Because it did hurt for her to let me down, while she was always there for me.

* * * * *

Since I previously visited Emma, I don't have to go over the rules again. I simply have to sign in and wait until visiting hours start. Sam drove me and agreed to wait for me to drive to soccer together. I turn off my phone, hand my stuff to Sam, and follow the guards to go through the metal detector, the body search and towards the visitation room.

Emma is already seated at the same table as last time I was here little over two weeks ago. She perks up as soon as she notices me, smiling shyly.

"Hi Cris..." She mutters, sounding as insecure as she's acting.

"Hey Em." I smile reassuringly, telling her I'm not here to fight.

"See you left Oliver home this time..." She watches as I sit down, sounding a bit relieved.

"Yeah, he doesn't really like you and I'm not here to argue or fight. I'm here because I have more questions and you have the answers I'm looking for. I figured Oliver wouldn't be an addition to the conversation."

She chuckles and nods. "I'm sorry, but I don't know him that well and he doesn't know me. He judges me based on the stories he heard, and I couldn't really deal with that two weeks ago." She sighs deeply. "I'm dealing with so many things and him judging me isn't helping me to heal at all."

"How are you doing now? Do the meds help?"

"I'm on such a low dose because... of the... pregnancy... That it's a bit of a bumpy ride." She admits in defeat. "And soon I'll have to stop in total and they'll place me in a different dormitory to keep an even better eye on me."

"Oh, right." I cock my head curiously, not noticing much of a growing belly. "So ehm... how far along are you?"

"Seventeen weeks." She leans forwards a bit eagerly. "I'll hear the gender in three weeks..."

"Seventeen already... is it that long since I last saw him?" I mutter, sliding down a bit.

She bites her lip, sending me a pitiful look. "I truly am sorry, Cris," she whispers. "Now that I'm clear in my mind, I know this is mostly my fault..."

But that's the thing, right? Sydney has something to do with the disappearance and him and Jeff met long before Finnley got in trouble for the first time. So what if Emma has been merely used by Jeffrey as a distraction of the real culprit? "It's not all your fault, and honestly I think Jeff would've harmed Finn even if you would've never met him."

"You do?"

"I think Sydney Lund has more to do with this then you do."

She frowns, biting her lip while deep in thoughts. "What questions do you have?"

"I read the last letters you've send to Finn." I admit. "Finn never got them because him and Charlie had a fight..."

"That was awful of Charlie." Emma sighs.

"And that's what I want to know, Em. You seem to know so much more about Finn and what was bothering him. When did he tell you any of this? Did you know Sydney abused him when we were kids?"

Emma takes in a deep breath while her eyes water slightly. "You know why I fell for Finn as bad as I did?"

I shake my head, not knowing what this has got to do with the answer to my question.

"Finn was always able to see the good in everybody. He never really judged anyone. And yes, he still hates my guts and probably hates me even more since November... I betrayed him. But... he visited twice. And he told me that I shouldn't feel as guilty as I did. That I needed to accept treatment and I would get better."

"Is that why he visited?"

"He came and told me about Sydney and what had happened. He told me he knew Sydney and Jeffrey were friends and how he too, just like you do know, thought Sydney was out to get at him for getting him kicked out of the house. He told me he overheard Jeffrey calling with Sydney once during the first abduction and how he already knew it had been Sydney who influenced Jeff to harm him. Not me, not anything Finn did."

"So, it isSydney who should be in here? Not you?"

"Me too, Cris." Emma clears her throat. "Even though I had a psychosis, I did bad things. I deserve this, and I'll sit out the entire sentencing without complaining. Besides, now I don't have to see my parents and I have time to think about what I did."

"It really means a lot to me that you understand what you did and accept the consequences."

She smiles with a slight blush on her face. "So, any more questions? About the letters? The visits?"

"Did Finnley forgive you at one point?"

"No." Emma sighs, yet smirks slightly too. "He wanted answers, and he wanted to give me an explanation how I simply got caught in a web that was woven long time ago. And how I simply got stuck in the middle of a couple of bad guys on the wrong moment..." Now there's a tear rolling down her cheek. "And I explained to Finn what happened that caused me to get a psychosis, and he understood..."

"You mentioned you had a reason last visit..." I drawl, knowing I cut her off back then. "What is it? I think I have a right to know..."

"Oh, you do..." She swallows. "It's just hard to talk about..." She wipes away some tears, trying to prevent herself from really starting to cry.

"If you're not ready, don't. But I do want to know what caused you to change like that."

"It's my dad..." she whispers as fresh tears appear in the corners of her eyes. "He's an alcoholic, has been for years. But one day when mom wasn't home, I was cooking, but I wasn't paying attention and I burned the meat. He got so angry, he hit me. It was only once, so I didn't think anything of it. Just that he was drunk..." She sighs, allowing tears to roll down without trying to hide them or wipe them away. "It kept getting worse and at one point, mom was his main victim every day, and I would get hit every time I failed a test, or did something wrong in his eyes..." She swallows hard. "It's why they don't visit me..."

I frown, leaning forwards while feeling a bit confused. "They don't visit you while your dad is the one who did wrong to you and your mom?"

"It's because I refuse to see them, because last time I saw them, dad didn't want to admit it was partially his fault that I got that psychosis, while my psychologist clearly said it was probably the main trigger."

"You confronted your father about that and he didn't apologize?"

"Exactly. And then I got angry and left... And now they refuse to visit me because dad thinks I was acting ungrateful for their visit."

"Oh, wow." Her dad is definitely a nuthead for letting her down like that. "Why didn't you tell us? Before everything went to hell. Finn and I would've helped you."

"I already thought Finn was going through something, and along with his crazy schedule I didn't want to bother him."

"And why not tell me?"

"I don't know..." She casts her gaze down towards her hands. "I really don't know, I tried a bunch of times but you were always surrounded by others. If it wasn't Finnley, it would always be Jaimie or Felix, or any of the guys in your team. Or one of the many girls..."

I chuckle, remembering how I would always have a new girl every month, but stop as I remember why she spoke about that. "I'm sorry you didn't feel comfortable enough to tell me."

"It's not your fault. It's all mine," Emma whispers again, this time sad and defeated. "I am the one who's sorry and I wish I could take it all back."

"Well, it does help me a bit that you realise what you've done and that you're sorry for it. It doesn't mean we get to be friends again, but I think we could move past it and just... acknowledge each others existence."

Emma nods and then there's a silence that isn't entirely awkward, but not entirely comfortable either.

"Does that mean you won't visit anymore?" She asks insecurely. "Is this the last time I get to see you?"

"Do you want me to visit more often?"

She shrugs for a bit, biting her lips. "I miss us. The three of us. And I know it's my fault there's no 'three of us' anymore and there wont ever be... But I thought... maybe you can visit in about three weeks and I can tell you the gender of the baby..."

I stare at her for a while, contemplating my answer, when she speaks up again.

"It's Finn's baby and maybe you want to be... involved...?"

I think I'm already nodding to confirm before I really registered her words. "Yeah... I could... we could do that..." Because I do want to know, right? I want to know what gender the baby gets and I want to at least once see the baby because it's Finnley's kid.

I'm not sure how Finnley would respond when he finds out he's going to be a dad. I'm not sure if he would even want to have anything to do with it. But somewhere deep down inside I already know Finnley could never give his own child up for adoption, despite the fact it's Emma who's the mom.

Finnley wants kids, and this might be his only real child.

"I'll visit again soon, okay?" I move to get up, and so does Emma as she realises I'm leaving. "I have a soccer match today so I have to get going. But... we'll take again soon. Okay?"

She smiles, and she seems genuinely thankful that I'm willing to visit her again soon. "Thanks, Cris. This means a lot to me."

"I'll see you soon, Em." I whisper as I allow her to shortly hug me. "Take care of yourself."