December 2017

The smell of freshly brewed coffee drags me down to the kitchen before I even get a chance to remember what day it is. By the time I'm slurping the sweet nectar that's probably burning my throat, the doorbell's already ringing and my mom's flying down the stairs dressed for what appears to be tea with Oprah. I look down at my neon green Elf themed pyjamas that have a giant photo of Will Ferrell on the front and tiny Will Ferrell's all over the pyjamas bottoms and grimace. I'm pretty sure the hair mask I put in last night makes me look like a greaseball and the zit cream I haven't gotten a chance to wash away is speckled all over my face.

Of course I forgot, karma sure has a way of finding even the sneakiest of people.

"Mom please don't." I trip over my own two feet to avoid being seen but she's already at the door and despite my best attempts to run from the kitchen to my bedroom upstairs, I'm caught mid action by the entire Shaw clan as they join us for Christmas Eve Eve breakfast.

I can't believe I forgot.

We've had this tradition for as far back as I can remember. Before the Shaws disperse to spend Christmas with their families flung all across the country they always stop by to have breakfast with the Brooks and Mom goes all out to host them. One might say it's the one occasion she gets to prepare a lavish feast for people other than her own children and husband. Had I not been so busy reading my beloved fan fiction all day yesterday I would've noticed her prepping. Still, I suspected with Ryder not having come home as yet and Natalie down with a cold maybe breakfast was cancelled.

But here they are, all four of them staring at me and barely containing their laughter.

Natalie's the first to crack, looking a bit too cheery for someone who seemed to be lying on their deathbed up until a few days ago.

"You should've told me it was a pyjama party Maddie, I wouldn't have bothered with this itchy dress." She tugs at the hem of her demure step father approved lilac knee length dress and looks a little longingly at my attire.

But it's not her reaction I'm worried about. Nope, not at all.

Standing behind his step father George and mother Mindy is a very, very smug Ryder and the way he's looking at me makes me want to take these pyjamas off and incinerate them.

I love these pyjamas.

"Long night Maddie?" He bites his lip and damn him he knows he looks good when he does that but of course I don't notice it, not one bit. I don't notice the way when he takes off his thick winter court he reveals muscled forearms and biceps that strain against the fabric of his shirt. I don't notice the glint of amusement in his eyes, not cruelty when he takes me in from head to toe. He stands tall, looming over all of us in the room and I realise that I missed him. I haven't seen him or heard from him since that fateful night he dropped us at Sam's and I have missed his annoying presence.

"Don't mind her, she was just going up to change weren't you Madison." Mom's eye is twitching. I can't believe I'd allowed Ryder to momentarily make me forget just how horrible I looked. Mom doesn't ask much of me and Sam really, she's easygoing as far as parents are concerned and when I look at George eyeing me with distaste I'm grateful for the set of parents I do have. But I really shouldn't be pushing her buttons like this.

"Yes, of course. I just lost track of time...cooking. You won't believe the amount of work we got done huh Mom? Boy did that apple cobbler give us trouble."

"There's no apple cobble honey but we do have pie." She smiles apologetically at our guests and gives me the meanest side eye.
"Okay then, on that note I'll be right back. Don't start without me and Mindy you look great!"

She does really, her black dress is figure hugging and Nat and Ryder's mom is a knockout and doesn't look a day over thirty. Why she chooses to stay with the dirtbag that is her second husband is beyond me but who am I to meddle.

"I'll come with!" Nat all but drags me by the arm to my room and the last glimpse I have of the merry festivities in the foyer is the look of a very smug Ryder.

"You told me your brother wasn't going to be here!" I accuse my former best friend as soon as my bedroom door shuts behind us. She makes herself comfortable on my bed and watches me race around like a maniac, dumping clothes out of my closet and trying to find that one dress that makes my boobs look good.

She shrugs, "He changed his mind and came back late last night. I didn't think you needed a warning for my brother."

"No but it would be nice to know when my nemesis is coming to my house so at the very least I'm not wearing pyjamas that have more holes in them than a mini golf course!"

"Nemesis? You're being a little dramatic don't you think? Sure he thinks you're a terrible influence on me and could be the reason I potentially have a mug shot before I'm old enough to legally drink but he doesn't hate you."

"Uh how would you know? You were passed out during our last reminder."

"Ugh don't remind me. Even thinking about the night gives me a hangover."

In the en-suite I strip down and let the scalding hot water eraser the memory of just how badly this post frat party disaster meeting went for me. In my head I'd planned everything carefully and orchestrated everything to the most minute detail. I'd look smoking hot and irresistible the next time Ryder Shaw saw me. He'd take one look at me and think to himself, 'Why haven't I noticed her before, am I blind??'. I'd tempt him, lure him in and then when he'd taken the bait I'd smash his heart into a thousand tiny pieces.

Of course that hasn't exactly panned out.

"George seemed his usual sunny self, did him and Ryder fight again?" I asked through the slightly open door as I quickly dry my body and wrap a towel around my hair. It takes Natalie a beat to answer and the silence says it all. While my family has it fair share of problems, the most obvious being my parents' absolute worship of my sister Samantha, my best friend's family takes the cake. Mindy met George soon after her divorce with Natalie and Ryder's dad was finalised and what was supposed to be a rebound fling turned quickly into what's coming on to be a six year marriage. I knew Mr. Shaw well, he was a nice guy, a quiet man who never seemed to want much from life. Ryder takes a lot after his dad, both the sibling do actually. Mindy is spontaneous, energetic, loud and so eventually things fell apart. Unfortunately for her, the next guy she pick turned out to be an overbearing asshole.

And that causes a lot of problems.

"They don't really speak to each other much." I peak out the door to see Nat frowning into my blanket. "Mom says its better that way. Besides Ryder's only staying till Christmas day and then we're both going to stay with our dad. It's just a few more days."

"Right."

I pull on my jeans, the tight skinny ones that look like they've been painted on my body and make my legs look a million miles long. I'm not particularly tall, just of average height but I can work with what I've got. Years of running have toned my legs and I know how to flaunt them when I have to. Over the top I pull on my favourite purple ribbed sweater knowing that the colour manages to do something extra for my brown eyes.

Okay Madison, you got this. Once Ryder Shaw gets a look at you he won't know what hit him.

Only when I do my hair that is because currently I resemble something akin to a wet labradoodle.

***

Despite the fact that I get ready in record speed by the time Nat and I rush back down to breakfast there's already plenty of commotion. Even though I fear I know exactly what it is, it takes my best friend pushing past me and running into our dining room to make me feel ridiculous and childish about how I had planned this day.

"Ryder don't!" Nat's scream spurs me into action and in the dining room I find complete chaos. My poor parents are standing shocked to one side as Ryder's got George pushed up against the wall, his arm against his stepfather's throat. Nat and my sister Sam, who must have shown up sometime in the last twenty minutes are trying to calm him down but he isn't relenting. I'm rooted to the spot, watching the anger unfold across his face because as much as I can claim to know him, I have never seen this side of my best friend's brother. Nat is crying, Mindy is screaming and Sam is being Sam trying her best to resolve the situation peacefully.

"Don't ever say a fucking word about my father." Ryder shoves him harder and someone screams again, I think it's my mother. I've to hand it to him though, George isn't a small man by anyone's standards. He may be shorter than Ryder but he's definitely got some muscle on him and he's putting up a fight.

"Or what?" he spits out. "You'll kill me? Huh, I'd like to see you try. You're as much of a coward as he is. You'll see when you end up like him, a good for nothing pussy who couldn't even keep his woman."

With the punch Ryder throws you could hear the sound of bones crunching, thankfully not his. Blood, there's so much blood pouring down George's face and as Ryder storms out of the house amidst his mother's hysterical sobbing, I have to admit something to myself.

My best friend's brother is a total bad ass.

***

Suffice to our annual breakfast with the Shaws did not go according to plan. I say this as I'm cleaning George's blood off of our dining room floor, gross but also necessary.

"I can't believe that boy's grown up to be such a...a rowdy hooligan."

"No one says hooligan anymore Dad."

My poor father Dr. Todd Brooks, an English professor, the sweater vest wearing kind who plays golf with his buddies on Sundays and still uses something he likes to call a study even though it's a glorified hoarder's paradise. He seems traumatised by today's events and suddenly the boy who he's known basically my entire life, the honours student whose praises he's never stopped singing and who he certainly hoped Sam would eventually start dating is a hooligan.

"But did you see him? All that anger, the rage! He could've killed George."

Mom passes him the fancy wine that makes me feel sick. "Maybe I should call Mindy and check up them. There was so much blood gushing down that poor man's nose."

"Do you guys hear yourself?" I feel pretty disgusted with them right and more so at myself because the knees of my favourite jeans have definitely soaked up some of that asshole's blood. "He deserved everything Ryder did to him. George provoked him and what he said was disgusting."

"Maddie's right and wow I never thought I'd say that." My prodigal older sister waltzes into the room, not a hair out of place. She looks at the bloody rag in my hand that I will probably set fire to and turns up her nose. "George was way out of line and we all know how Ryder feels about his father."

They nod, sitting on their pristine white couch, drinking their ridiculously expensive wine from their even more ridiculously overpriced wine glasses. Just like that I'm dismissed and my older sister's explanation had made perfect sense. I could've bellowed the same sentiment from the rooftop but they'd physically be unable to hear it until Sam arrived to decipher my words.

Sam and I are five years apart and every bit of that difference shows. We're night and day, dark and light, oil and water, you get the gist. She's tall, lean and lithe, a bonafide blonde bombshell with brains. My entire life has been about watching her soar and achieve great things. Valedictorian, class president, head cheerleader, scholarship to one of the most prestigious colleges in the country and now she's gotten what was probably the most competitive graduate program in the country. Once she graduate she'd be all set to teach alongside my dad at his university and when she completed her world domination she'd be Dr. Samantha Brooks. I paled in comparison no matter how hard I tried so I'd stopped doing that a long time ago.

I'd taken after my mother's side of the family. The women were shorter, definitely more curvier and pursued more artistic endeavours. My favourite person on the planet, my grandma Edith, my mom's mom was an artist, a free spirit who understood my need to escape my sister's shadow. Some said I looked just like her when she was my age. My hair was darker, a warm brown that I was often tempted to add highlights to just to spice it up. While my sister inherited all the sharp angled and the cheekbones, I got the boobs and the butt that made working out a pain. I had to constantly watch what I ate or it'd go straight to my hips. But I'd embraced my curves, I'd embraced the roundness and the softness that came with being me. I was also secretly grateful I got Grandma Edith's big brown eyes and not Sam's catlike green ones because holy hell they were cold.

I leave them be, toss the soiled rag in the trash and use the downstairs bathroom to vigorously wash my hands. I haven't gotten the chance to talk to Nat since she accompanied a hysterical Mindy to the hospital. I know she wanted to follow Ryder wherever the hell he disappeared off to but she couldn't leave her mother alone. I try calling her but it goes unattended. Concern for my best friend gnaws at me. George has a long history of being verbally abusive and gets especially worse when Ryder isn't around. I shiver thinking about what he'll be like now, after getting beaten up by him. Natalie is an easy target since she refuses to stand up for herself and doesn't tell her mom half the things the creep says to her. Quickly I slip on my boots and my winter coat, wrapping my scarf around myself. If I get Nat to spend the night with me, she'll be safe until she has to leave for her dad. Yeah, that's a good idea, I really, really hate how George looks at Nat sometimes.

***

I drive Dad's car over to the Shaws but I can tell that Nat isn't home since the house is dark and neither Mindy's car nor George's truck is in the driveway.

But someone is there.

And he's currently storming out of the house, a bag slung over his shoulder straight to his car idling along the curb.

Ryder.

I act without thinking, getting out of my car and yelling his name before he races of like I know he will. Something tells me it'll be a while before I see him again. Something has shifted in the space of a day and I know that from here on out my relationship with him or even Nat won't be the same.

But why am I so worried about Ryder? Why does the thought of never seeing him again make my heart ache? He's just an annoying stand in for the brother I never had, right? All he thinks of me is his little sister's annoying best friend that he barely tolerates.

So why do I feel like I'm going to cry at any given second. I don't though because that would be pathetic. Nope, I'll do that when I get home.

He stills, pausing by his car. We're on opposite sides of the road, six feet apart and given how late it is there's barely any traffic. It gives us both time to look at each other, illuminated only by the headlights of our cars. The silence in this suburban part of town carries my voice over to him without me having to walk over. My legs are trembling, I don't think I could cover the space between us if I tried.

"Going somewhere?"

He turns his back to me but only to throw his bag in the backseat. When he looks at me again, his attention in unwavering.

I'm proud of the fact that my voice didn't quiver as I said that. I may look aloof, leaning against my car, one foot crossed against the other, arms folded across my chest but I'm really just trying to contain my heart from escaping my ribcage and becoming roadkill. He looks so broken and angry, so unlike the Ryder I know who is always in control, always so cool and confident. For some reason I've always relied on him to pull me back down to ground when I'm being too flight, he's been my compass, my axis, an unwavering support that I've struggled to find in my own family and I'm terrified to lose him.

He mirrors me pose, leaning against his own car, something of the vintage variety that he spent ages fixing up and is obsessed with. "You thought I was going to stay in this house with him?"

"I hate him so much. Why did your mom have to marry such an asshole?"

He laughs, a humourless laugh filled with pain that makes my heart squeeze.

"Yeah I've been asking myself that question for a long time."

Palms sweating, pulse racing, mind buzzing and on unsteady legs I cross the distance between us and come to lean agains the car next to him. The night is freezing, we're both idiots to stand outside but I can barely feel the cold. Ryder's slumped shoulders, his bandaged hand and torn expression make me want to comfort him but I'm unsure of how to. So I settle for placing my hand on his shoulder and squeezing it just a little.

"You did the right thing. He was provoking you."

He mutters something under his breath and shakes his head. "You think that's what I'm thinking about right now?"

"I...I'm not sure. You look upset."

"Of course I'm upset Maddie. I'm leaving Nat behind with that...monster. She doesn't want to leave our mom alone but the thought of not being around to look after her scares the shit out of me."

So he sees it too, he sees the obvious threat George poses to Nat and the fact that he has to choose between his sister and having to stay with an abusive piece of shit like his stepfather.

"Don't worry about Natalie." I find myself saying and as soon as I say it I know I'll make sure to fulfil the promise. "I'll take care of her, you know I will. She cans stay with me as long as she wants and soon we'll both be on our way to college. Picture that, me and Nat as unsupervised freshman, does that not put you through hell."

I jokingly jostle his shoulder with mine and for the first time Ryder cracks a smile.

"I'm dreading the day already."

"You better."

We both go quiet and something inside me in bursting to come out. Words unsaid that I've suppressed for so many years want to surface and tell Ryder something important before he leaves. If I let him go without telling about all these feelings that are suddenly taking hold of me I'll never find the courage again. But just as I'm about to open my mouth and spew everything out, Ryder suddenly leans over and pecks me on the cheek and I'm left speechless.

I touch the spot where his lips have seared my skin and stare into his eyes.

"I've got to go before they get back but Maddie," He grabs my hand, "please make sure you protect Natalie from him. She doesn't know how to stand up for herself, she won't complain but promise me you'll call me if anything's wrong."

"I...I promise Ryder. I'll always watch out for her."

"Good."

"And Maddie?"

I gulp, fighting tears. Why does this feel like goodbye?

"I'm always here for you too, you know that right? Take care of yourself, try not raising too much hell."

I smirk, "I'll do my best Shaw. Besides what fun would it be without you being there to yell at me?"

He shoves his hands in his pockets and begins walking backwards. "You never know Brooks, if you miss me enough I might just show up. Life has a funny of working out like that."

***