March 2018

Row upon row of tulle assaults my eyes and it takes a great amount of restraint to not visibly shiver in horror, especially when the sales assistant is standing over my shoulder with a beaming smile on her face. I'm sure I'm not the first desperate high school senior that's visited her today looking for a last minute dress for prom but could she at least have saved some of the decent options for me? I get it, tulle is trendy and all but I refuse to look like a nine-year-old pageant queen from Texas.

"This one looks nice don't you think Maddie?" My best friend nervously pulls out a bubble gum pink taffeta monstrosity and holds it up against her. I feel sorry for her, I really do. While she picked out her dress when the stores still had a somewhat acceptable selection, I'm the one that waited until the week before and now the only ones left are clearly ones that don't accommodate puberty. My boobs clearly won't fit into any of these pint sized princess gowns and I'd rather not flash that graduating class of Ashville High as much as some of the guys on the football team would appreciate that.

"Yeah maybe when I was six. Come on, let's try another place."

She groans and I don't blame her. We've taken Sam's car and driven up to Gainstown, a more populated town near Ashville that has a few upscale department stores and boutiques. Sam to my surprise was the one who suggested I take her car in the first place and even recommended a few places where I could find something I'd like but clearly my sister and I have very different taste. I'd rather not look like a sequenced fruit cocktail thank you very much. Besides up until last week I wasn't even sure I was even going, despite being asked by a few guys. Something has definitely shifted since Christmas time and as much as I try to push it away, the nagging feeling doesn't go away. I haven't really been interested in dating or seeing anyone, even casually. Ethan's texted a few times but after the incident last fall I think that ship's definitely sailed. I could say that I'm bored of the guys in this town, that I'm waiting for college to meet new ones but I know I'm lying to myself.

Someone's lodged himself inside my head and that sarcastic, blue eyed gorgeous devil of a boy refuses to go away.

"I'm starving, can't you at least feed me first?" Nat whines and sure enough, I've been dragging the poor girl around all of Saturday morning without stopping for a breath. Of course what she doesn't know is that I'm also fulfilling my promise to her brother. Ever since he left that fateful December night, I've taken it upon myself to look after Natalie and make sure she's not left alone with George too much. Today for example, I know Mindy would be at some book club all day with my mom so it's the perfect opportunity to drag her out for a dress that I most certainly don't need.

"Why didn't you say something sooner than Nat? You know when that last sales assistant was insisting I had to try on the canary yellow ballgown her niece wore to her Quinceañera? Why couldn't your stomach grumble then?"

"Oh please, you think I'd miss seeing you try that on. Don't worry, I took plenty of pictures for us to laugh about later."

"You know I'm really beginning to regret the idea of living with you for the next four years."

"Too bad, you're stuck with the Shaws forever Mads. Don't you know once we lure you in we never let you go? Now where's this burger joint Ryder keeps going on about?" She's too busy looking up something on her phone to notice how I nearly trip on my own two feet at the mention of her brother. She doesn't talk about him much now, not since he transferred to another school to be closer to their dad. From what I can tell they still talk occasionally and text all the time but of course she's had no reason to bring him up in front of me, not until now. What she doesn't know is that I'm ravenous or even the tiniest bit of news about him.

"Oh, so he's come out of his bat cave then? I thought you said he'd been hard to reach for a while."

"Who Ryder?" She starts walking us in the direction of said burger joint. "No, he's just been really busy with school. He's actually graduating a semester early and applying to law school now. Mom and I were thinking of flying over for graduation if it's not to close to finals."

"That sounds impressive. I didn't know Ryder wanted to become a lawyer." I frown, realising there's not much I know about him, outside of the little things you pick when you practically grow up with some. I could tell you what his favourite pizza topping his, what his go to order from our favourite Chinese restaurant is or what brand of toothpaste he always buys but I the fact that he wanted to become a lawyer? Colour me surprised.

"Do you think he'll want to move back home soon?"

Natalie grows somber as we find the small hole in the wall restaurant that is now forever in my head linked to Ryder.

"I don't think so, not after what happened with George. Mom's been begging him to visit and whenever I go to see my dad, she begs and pleads me to convince him to come back but he won't, not while she's still married to him."

"I'm sorry it has to be this way Nat." My heart goes out to my best friend, torn between two homes and two families. It's all because of that a-hole George. If I could magically make him evaporate into thin air, never to be seen again I would. If it weren't for him, Nat wouldn't be so worn down and if it weren't for him, Ryder would still be around.

"So speaking of your brother," I look around us and imagine him in a place like this, understated, rooted and all substance without the glitz.

Oh my God, I'm completely losing my mind. I clear my throat, "Does he know we're here and did he throw a tantrum about how I'm corrupting your soul?"

She grins over the top of her menu. "Of course he knows. Who else did you think I sent the pictures of you in the yellow dress to?"

One of the Shaws will die by my hands, I swear to you.

***

"Do you mind if I..." Sam lingers by my door, her hands itching to fix something about my appearance that I've clearly overlooked. She's been here all day in the lieu of helping Dad rearrange his library since she's the only one who can understand his system. It just so happens to be the day of my prom as well and as a former prom queen herself, Sam's been dying to get her hands on me.

"Sure, come on in."

"I can't believe you found that dress in a thrift store, it looks absolutely stunning on you Madison." The black beaded 1920's flapper style dress was quite the find but I knew it was meant for me the second I tried it on. It hugs me in the right places without being obscene and there is no tulle or taffeta in sight.

"You don't think it's too funeral-esque for prom? Maybe I should've worn cotton candy pink after all."

I look at the mirror and all I see is a whole lot of dark, dark hair, dark eyes and a black dress. Next to me my sister looks like an angelic cherub in her yellow sundress.

"Don't be silly, I wish I had the body to pull off something like this. God, I'd kill for your curves."

The floor length mirror captures my stunned expression. My sister, the perfect first born who has only ever been told that she should be working in Hollywood not academia is jealous of my body? That's a first.

"So, uh I was thinking of putting some waves in my hair, there's this photo I liked on Instagram. Can you help me?"

And my sister smiles like I've just offered her my kidney. Well, maybe there's hope for us after all.

***

"This sucks and I'm having a horrible time."

"You're not even trying to have fun Madison, look right there. Chad's been trying to get your attention for like half an hour. If you stop sulking in a corner and actually try smiling maybe you'll have fun."

I won't.

While Natalie is having the time of her life with a group of our friends, I realise that coming here has been pointless and it's been unfair to Chad who unfortunately got partnered up with me. The gym reeks of sweat and plastic, the neon flashing lights hurt my eyes and if I'm being honest, my heart's just not into seeing lovesick couples plastered all over each other. Most of them probably won't last the summer before college and all the promises they make tonight will be in vain but hey who am I to ruin the magic that is high school puppy love?

"Maybe if Chad moves his eyes above my neck for a second I might actually believe you." I say that loudly enough for the bullheaded jock to get a clue but since he's been sipping something from a flask the entire evening I'd say he's past the point of coherency. Natalie looks a little sheepish and shrugs her shoulders.

"Do you want to join Ben and me?"

"No thank you, have you seen the two of you together? I could vomit from how sickeningly sweet it is. How can you even stand him being so nice?"

We look at where her date is patiently waiting for her and I wonder if it'd be easier for me to like someone like Ben. He's an honours student, will probably be the class valedictorian, has a full ride to college and worships the ground Natalie walks on. Sure she's probably not as into him as he is into her but that's more so because my best friend's life is dramatic enough without adding a boyfriend to it. Still I had been pleasantly surprised when she'd agreed to go to prom with him.

Well, she agreed to go with a group of friends but the poor guy takes what he can get. Besides with the way she's looking tonight, in a sleeveless satin red sheath dress, Ben's pretty damn lucky she's giving him the time of day.

She blushes as she catches him watching us. "He's so...smart and witty and funny. I can't believe I didn't realise what a great sense of humour he has."

"Yes because that's exactly what an eighteen year old girl is looking for in a casual hook up, his sense of humour." I roll my eyes jokingly because I'm pretty sure my friend here is developing her very first major crush.

"Shut up, do you see how he fills out that tux?" She fans her face and mouths wow as Ben is momentarily distracted. "Oh and by the way, I think your date just snuck off with a sophomore so..."

She glances over my shoulder and I turn to see the backs of Chad and a girl who is surely too young for him, oh well her poison.

"Great, that's my excuse right there. I'm going to go out and get some fresh air. All the hormones in this place are making me queasy. Let me know when you want to head out and don't do anything I wouldn't do." I say that a bit too loudly and it's certainly directed more towards Ben who's approaching us, drink in hand. Nat shoots me murderous glare as her date turns beetroot red and I cackle my way out the door.

***

The high school parking lot is full tonight and the party's threatening to spill over. Some of the stragglers like myself who like a more private after party are crowded around their cars and indulging in substances that are clearly illegal. Music blasts from the gym providing ample noise to disguise whatever is happening in the backs of some of the cars and I hope to God I don't see a naked butt as I hurry down to Sam's car.

The cool breeze calms my overheated skin as I lean against the hood and pull out my phone. Already my head feels clearer and the overwhelming urge I'd felt the entire day, to text a certain someone, to ask how he's doing and whether he's ever thought about me returns with a vengeance. Nat told me that Ryder knows about prom, that he'd drilled several rules into her head and made her promise she wouldn't do anything stupid. I wonder if he still thinks I'm the bad influence on his sister and that I'd be the reason she could get into trouble tonight.

Sometimes I'm tempted to get into trouble, just to see if he shows up.

"Of all the places I'd imagine finding you tonight, all alone in the parking lot wasn't on top of my list."

I nearly drop my phone as I jump at the sound of his voice.

It can't be, it can't be.

I'm going crazy. Maybe I'll take after my Grandma Edith after all and hallucinate just like she does. She speaks to my grandfather all the time, like he's still right beside her even though he passed away in his sleep ten years ago. But she insists she can still see him, still feel him. Is this it? Have I inherited her craziness AND the cursed curves? How is this fair?

Ryder's hallucination chuckles and the timber of his voice is so accurate that I've got to give myself props at being so detail oriented. I've become so obsessed with him that I've made him appear out of thin air and he's perfect right down to the very last annoying thing about him.

"Madison are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost?" He places an arm on my shoulder and I nearly fall flat on the hood of my car that's how much I jump.

"Ryder?" I gasp, "What're you doing here?"

The more I take him in the more I realise that there are some things about him that are different, that I couldn't have imagine. His hair's shorter, buzzed on the sides and slightly longer at the top. He's sporting a five o'clock shadow on a face that he's usually kept clean shaven. In the three months since I've last seen him, Ryder seems to have been hitting the gym, a lot. Not that he was scrawny before but there's definition in his muscles that wasn't there before and they're straining against the fabric of his shirt. His legs, in cased in jeans that aren't tight but do enough to emphasise the subtle transformation.

But what on earth is he doing here?

"Hello to you too stranger, I take it Natalie didn't tell you I was coming back?"

I'm going to kill her.

Slowly and painfully.

I'm barely able to shake my head, it's pathetic.

"No, she must have forgotten to mention that. But wow, it's so good to see you, how have you been?" I try to sound casual, drinking him in slowly and wishing I'd have the courage to cover the distance between us or suggest we could move somewhere else, anywhere than this dirty parking lot where I'm pretty sure someone is having sex two cars down.

"I'm good, yeah it's just all been so hectic, switching schools and making sure to get everything done on time." He pauses as if thinking twice about what he's going to say. It's as if Ryder Shaw is nervous and I've never seen him be unsure of himself.

"You look great by the way." He rubs the back of his neck, "That's not the yellow monstrosity Nat told me you were wearing."

I'm going to kill his sister and I hope he forgives me.

"Nah yellow's not really my colour and this looks way better don't you think?" I hope my innocent attempt at flirting works, I hope it makes him see me in another light than that little girl with pig tails whose dolls he'd always end up hiding.

Is it me or is he looking at me a little weirdly? And in the past we haven't had any problems

hugging or being affectionate but Ryder's body language is so rigid and he's avoiding looking at me so I can only surmise...

He clears his throat, "Don't go around breaking too many hearts there Brooks, those poor schmucks don't stand a chance."

I'm unsure of what he's trying to say and frustrated that he can't just say what he's feeling. I wish I were braver, I wish I could grab him by the collar of his soft cotton t-shirt and tell him that...

"I heard about you applying to law school, congrats on those LSAT scores by the way. They'd be crazy not to take you."

"Thanks, that's why I'm here actually, had some meeting with a few of my professors early in the morning. Dad said I might as well bring Nat home with me for spring break on my way back."

Of course that's why he's here, right.

"Well you can't take her home right now, she'd never forgive you. Poor Ben's just gotten the chance to shoot his shot?"

He frowns looks absolutely adorable, "Who the hell is Ben?"

I wave my hand, "Doesn't matter but you really shouldn't interrupt their little moment." I pause for a bit. "Do you want to hang out for a bit while we wait for her?"

He cocks his head to the side and I pray and I wish and I hope that he says yes. I don't have a plan but if I'm only getting Ryder for a few hours then I'm going to make sure he has something to remember me by. I refuse to be an afterthought to him anymore, just his little sister's annoying friend. If he says yes then I'll make sure he'll always think of me when he thinks of home and maybe someday when he's ready, he'll think of me as something more.

A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth and he slips his hands into the back pockets of his jeans. "You sure you wouldn't rather be here?" He gestures back at the gym where they seem to be blasting Nickleback and in the distance someone retches in the hedges, lovely.

"I'd rather walk barefoot on hot coals."

He laughs, "Fair enough but I get to pick what we do tonight, deal?"

It takes me a millisecond to answer.

"Deal."