I was here again.

I realized that if I crossed the road now that I would first be hit by a Porsche and then hurtled infront of a Range Rover.

This wasn't a realization about me wanting to kill myself but rather having reached such a level of apathy that I could contemplate my own potential demise in this way.

My medication was working, the same way that it had been for the last four years. I wasn't depressed, nor was I manic.

I just was.

But not like other people are.

Most of the time, I felt numb, not completely present. I was seldom able to live the moment, unable to torture myself over the past, unable to fear my own future.

I just couldn't anymore. I had done it once before. Would Mark forgive me a second time?

Right now, I literally didn't care.

I put all the pill bottles on the kitchen counter and wrote him a note.

"Mark... I am sorry."

I contemplated for a moment if that was true and left.

***

The guy behind the drinks trolley was really cute. My eye usually didn't drift so much even though Mark and I were in an open relationship. He needed it more than I did.

When we met, I was still going about life in a hypomanic state; under-medicated but very happy in my own little world. I was always horny and fucked his brains out all the time.

Unfortunately, a hypomanic state also comes with less pleasant things. Uncontrollable anger and frustration, awkward social behaviour and unnecessary risk taking to name but a few.

My doctor "fixed" me but the pills also severely affected my sex drive. Mark needed more, so I let him. He was responsible and respectful, I was never once confronted with his other guys.

"Beef or Vegetarian?" cutie asked with a white toothy smile.

"Definitely Beef!" I said in a low baritone. What the fuck was wrong with me?

His eyes sparkled for a second before placing the tray in front of me. "What can I offer you to drink?"

"Tonic water with a lime, please," I said on autopilot. Four years and not a drop. Booze didn't mix well with my drugs so I just stopped drinking at some point. I couldn't even remember when.

He poured my drink and handed it to me. I noticed how his pinky touched my hand. Was it on purpose?

Nah! Why would this young hottie even bother with me?

As he moved on, I saw the small little gin bottles smile at me.

Hmmm.

***

After all those years, two gin & tonics were more than enough to bring out my more... passionate self.

I was upfront cracking jokes with the flight staff. I was supposed to go to the bathroom but I kept letting people go ahead of me because I was finally having some fun.

The cute guy's name was Daniel and he kept covering his mouth everytime he laughed at one of my silly jokes.

Then, the airplane shook and I was asked to return to my seat. My fun had been short-lived. The Karen sitting next to me didn't look like she'd appreciate my sense of humour, so I decided to listen to some music instead.

What the fuck was I doing? I should never have left! But then the only reason that I was questioning this was because the alcohol allowed me to feel enough to do so!

This was so fucked up! I didn't even have a plan. Where was I going to stay? What was I going to do when I got to the other side of the country?

Would Mark come and find me?

Just before my father died, Mark had promised that he would take care of me. Daddy always liked my boyfriend alot. Perhaps because he was so much less... dainty than I was.

My parents never made an issue of me being gay internally. However in their social circle, they tried to navigate around it.

Dad presented my first boyfriend to the neighbors as a friend from drama club. I made sure to make out with Kyle in front of the kitchen window, so they could see us from the backyard.

Fuck, now I missed my dad!

I waved at Daniel, hoping that he would bring me another gin & tonic.

That's when the plane started shaking again. It was more serious this time because the oxygen masks dropped.

Where we really in trouble? I was finally having some fun and the airplane was failing? Wouldn't that be a cosmically bad joke?

I looked through the window, just in time to see the burning wing rip off and dissapear.

Everyone was screaming!

My last ever thought was, "Is this really happening?"