What is love? Shradha had asked.

Shehnaaz's mind had been quite busy since then. What is love! She wondered. Obviously an emotion their own marriage probably lacked over the years.

Love! They had actually never confessed love to each other. Despite being a husband and wife, yet, never for once they had this confession between them these five years of togetherness.

But she was somehow ok with it.. Up until now. Now, after getting to hear that word from her friend and the accusations Shradha had from her own husband, this word seemed to have imprinted itself into her heart and mind. She somehow couldn't get it our of her mind.

Love!

What is love actually! She kept on thinking in her mind. But no answer she got! She had no idea what love is!

Guess very few people does. She shouldn't have bothered with it like till now, yet, she did the mistake of uttering that loud in front of her husband.

Sidharth was busy, nosedived in the newspaper, drinking all of that it has to offer. No, he, for a change unlike other men wasn't very finicky about this thick bunch of black and white gibberish the whole week.

But one free day, throughout the week and instead of being a little more talkative and conversing with his wife, he would often spend the good half of the morning post breakfast absorbed into the newspaper world like a bottle of saline to a dying man, filling up his quota for the whole week.

With a sigh, Shehnaaz took her vegetables and sat on the couch, giving him a company nonetheless, but rolling her eyes to her otherwise boring husband. This had become a non declared habit of theirs. She would give him a company, even though silently while he would eat, drink and the shit on the newspaper, while she would be chopping her vegetables for the lunch. Chit chatting in between, of some trival and non trivial things, while he would just nod and hum. And the eventually, she would be off to the kitchen, and he out for the sole purpose of stocking up the fridge for the next week. A few cigarettes smoked and some time spent with his neighborhood acquaintances, that's how their Sunday mornings would be like.

Dull and boring! .

And yet, she was somehow ok with it. Not that it changed drastically after initial years as their marriage hot older, no. Their companionship was always like this. Dull and boring and she had somehow accepted it as her fate.

But as Shehnaaz sat today to chop her vegetables, the question just plopped out of her mouth.

" Tomar ki mone hoe! What is love! " She just muttered, the question has been gnawing at her heart the whole past week since Shradha had muttered that word aloud. (What is love according to you)

Sidharth drowned, putting aside the newspaper a little, gaping at his wife. Scrutinizing her stealthily.

The question, a first from her in these past five years of being together. Shehnaaz had never bothered with this baseless most hyped word called love up until now.

What changed! He wondered as his eyes raked and swallowed his wife who sat before him, appreciating the subtle beauty silently.

Shehnaaz looked beautiful. She always did. Effortlessly beautiful. So supine with that hair of hers tied into a messy bun, a few tendrils flying with the air from the ceiling fan. The face bare, yet that subtle glow on it. The small diamond stud on her nose. The housecoat tied loosely around her waist. The slight cleavage peeking from the frontal lapel. His wife was an absolute beauty to behold. He was smitten. From that very first time till now. Yet, there hardly came a word of appreciation from him. He couldn't help it. He was build that way. He would often take a sneak peek at his wife, silently appreciating every chance he got without letting her know.

Or may be she knew. Only he was unaware.

" Oto dekhar ki ache. Tomar e bou. Paanch bochor dhore dekhcho. " Shehnaaz muttered out of the blue, making him fumble and flush as he digs his face back to the newspaper. (What is there to ogle your own wife! Wasn't five years enough)

Physical attraction! That's all it was. Shehnaaz tried to make herself understand. What else could it be? He never came out with a compliment ever! Not even a like you came her way till now.

Five years!!! Wasn't it too much of a time to develop affection!

Ma puro jibon ta pore ache toh. Ashte ashte bor theek bhalobasa e pore jaye nijer bou der!

( there is a whole life ahead for your husband to fall in love with you. He would too, eventually)

Again her mother's words of wisdom rang in her ear. She had said those words, preparing her for the life post marriage. Giving her small tits bits to fill her kitty with for a successful marital life.

Only if her mother knew how hollow her every words felt to her own daughter even after five years of marriage.

Shehnaaz was living a nothingness. A loveless marriage. Five years into the nuptial, yet Sidharth never bothered to tell her that he loved her!

Did he actually never fell in love with her even after spending five years together!  She wondered again..

" Pagoler prolap! " He said, a while later later as he watched his wife shift to busy herself with the vegetables again.

( insanity. Madman's imagination!)

" What? " She exclaimed back, perplexed with his absurd words.

" Prem.. Bhalobasa, sob pagoler prolap. Jader koni kaj nei, tarai ek matro ei sob niye bhabe. Literature ekta illusion create more rekheche and director ra seta bhagiye khache and people like Shah Rukh Khan k porda te prem korte dekhe pagol hie jao personal life a and start this baseless journey towards love. Boyosh ta badhlo na naki. " He said, making her drown and writhe in anger.

( love, it's all a madmans imagination. People who don't have much work in life only they have the time and energy to think of love. Literature and writers have created this illusion and the movies have been banking on this illusion and people like you go gaga watching Shah Rukh Khan romancing onscreen and start to dream for love in your personal life as well. Grow up..)

" Ekta chotto question korechilam. Eto boro lecture ta na dileo hoto. Straight bole dite I don't know and I don't believe." She snapped back, gathering all her chopped vegetables. Some were yet to be cut but her desire to stick to her husband and seek his company Or give him one, even though silently was ruined.

( i asked a simple question. You could have avoided not giving this long lecture. A denial would have sufficed)

Sidharth growled as he folded the newspaper and watched his wife walk to the kitchen, a little dejected and annoyed.

He wanted to stop her though. These little moments together, although silent most of the time, yet he cherished them always. While she would sit and chop her vegetables, he would always be sneaking at his wife. Ogling from behind the veil of the newspaper, but never had the courage to put it down and letch at her openly. Despite her being his own.

No, he wasn't gutless, but gestures like these felt cheesy to him. He had always been like this. Deviating from the mushy acts guys were kind of so natural at even during his college days. Hence, almost nil number of girlfriends he had till now.

Almost nil. There were one or two, but neither could stick to him for long. Reason, probably his lack of cheesiness and yet, he couldn't just make himself do all those stiffs just for the sake of fun.

He sighed, leaning against the headrest of the couch. A supposedly nice morning probably ruined for the moment, he got up and changed and took the wallet and walked to the kitchen.

I'm sorry! He had wanted to say.. Yet, the words died in his mouth. Sorry meant more explanation, and he just wasn't in a mood for that. And somewhere she understood . At least that's what he thought. She always was ok with how he was. Or how they were!

One big mistake of a marriage, miscommunication. The more we get ourselves entangled into the mess of a miscommunication, the deeper the ditch becomes for the relationship to survive!

A simple sorry is all it takes to solve the biggest of a scuffle, yet, sometimes the word feels too heavy to roll past the tongue.

" Bajar ta ki lagbe bolo toh! " He said, leaning against the frame of the kitchen door, fidgeting.

( bazaar kya chahiye batao)

Sorry was all he wanted to say for being that sarcastic. Sorry being the thing he could not say.

But then, was that sorry even required! He was just being sarcastic. It wasn't a crime was it! The thought crossed his mind the moment the apology almost slipped past. His nonchalance taking over again.

And to think of, the sorry wasn't required at the first place. When jokes are taken as jokes, life becomes easy. But supressed emotions and expectations hardly allows one to take the easier path.

Suppression of anything being fatal!

She was quiet for the longest and he stood there quiet for the longest. Expecting an answer. Anything from her to confirm that she was ok. Yet, the sorry never came. And she didn't bother this time too.

Yet, there was a gnawing something in her heart. Something! Probably expecting a sorry.

With a shrug, he walked out, taking the bag for the vegetables on the way.

Silence, it could make a moment romantic. To enjoy each other in silence. Yet, it holds the power to ruin a relationship slowly, like a slow poison. It is upon us how we decide to use silence as the tool.

Shehnaaz and Sidharth, they unknowingly chosed that path to destruction with this silence between them!

***

" Oh come on Nitin, when have you cared! " Shradha was on the phone the last ten minutes, probably squabbling with her husband as shehnaaz sat on the couch, a little perturbed to watch her friend fight over something that sounded oddly similar to her own marriage.

Yet, she had never complained. Fighting like shradha was at that moment was out of question.

When have you cared! She couldn't deny the question hadn't bothered her ever in the whole span of the past five years with Sidharth, yet, she had somehow managed to.... Compromise...

" No Nitin, this time I am not backing out. I'm not. I'm kind of done succumbing to your demands all the bloody time. I won't. Call tab karna, jab dhang se baat karni ho warna have a nice day! " Shradha took a sigh, as she hanged up on her husband, leaning to the back of the couch. Her face, reflecting a lot of Shehnaaz's own emotions and turmoils. The dilemma, which were somehow ok with her till now.

Till now!

Only she had learnt the natural way to embrace all of that and move beyond. But the question was, had she been successful in moving past her own issues or was it kind of another compromise along the way!

She didn't know. She had given up contemplating a long time back. Probably the first time her husband had failed her expectations. She had embraced that and moved on.

the first few months of their marriage and she had come to know and understand how cold her husband was when it came to relationships. Cold, devoid of any emotions. They have hardly had any cuddly, mushy moments in their life, couple generally tend to have..

The first few months of being affected she had stopped doing that for her own sanctity.

Compromise, women are supposed to make the most of it in a marriage.

Compromise and understanding!! Her mother's words would always ring into her ears.. For years.. Even now when she would give you her perturbations and accept the reality of their marriage..

Their marriage! An arranged one and not a love to be all mushy and cuddly all the time.

" What's up! " She asked, placing the order for them this time. Same old cappuccino and grilled salad..

They were back to CCD once again..

The last they met, it's been a week now. They had exchanged their numbers and decided to meet again. Weekend. Saturday right after her college..

Not that she didn't have time, she had ample.. But, although Sidharth didn't give her time for company much, his requisites were supposed to be properly attended to.. And it took up most of her time beside her own works and schedules.

Hence, Saturday. The only free time she had.

" Nothing yaar.. " Shradha sighed, lightning up her cigarette again..

" Why do you smoke so much! It's supposed to be harmful. " She said, gathering up the courage to ask her. She had lost all of her interest to interfere into people's life these days. Even with the things for good!

The lack of interest. Probably when you see people around you with the same kind of attitude, one moulds herself with the same.

The same happened to Shehnaaz as well. Her husband's lack of interest in everything made her adopt seclusion as well.

" I know right! " Shradha smirked, but kept on fagging. Blowing out rings of the thick smoke into the air, watching her own creation with a fornlorn look..

" Babes ek baat bata, how is your marriage going. I mean if you don't mind me asking that is! " She sprang up all of a sudden, eager to know. Probably a third perspective to her own rambled life.

" Like everyone else. " Shehnaaz shrugged. Her question brought a little drown to her own temples.

Her own marriage! How was her own marriage going!  She wondered!

Bad, unhappy, riveting, repelling, scandalous, a lot of drama, a lot of problems between them, a lot of fighting probably.

No, nothing of that sort. No where near to anything even remotely close to that.

Rather, it was a lot opposite.. Her marriage was a lot calm.. A lot.. A lot lot lot more than required! Like the premonition of a storm. Still almost..

" How like everyone else. Everyone has a different story! " Shradha interjected.

Is it! But Shehnaaz felt the opposite.. Everyone has the base same! Either way or other. Love or arrange. It's basically same.

But she couldn't say that to her friend now could she! No... Again her mother's drilling words rang into her ears..

Nijer biye, nijer personal problem karor sathe share korte nei. It's your own. Learn to deal with them on your own.

( never make a commotion of your marriage and personal problems to anyone else.)

And so she had learnt to deal with her problems on her own.. By letting them slide and go. By not letting them bother her much.

Only , now that she was witnessing someone experiencing the same, her problems had started to glow and reflect on her face. Problems that didn't seem a problem to her till now. Problems she had learnt to ignore, they are glorifying themselves for her to notice them now.

" Kya hua hai. Nitin k saath jhagra? " She asked, letting the question deviate from her own marriage towards her friend's..

" Kab nahi hota hai boss. Tell me something I don't know! Ab adjust karte karte pak rahi hu main. I guess my patience is slipping off. " She growled, crushing the butt of the cigarette on to the ashtray...

" Mhm. Jhagre sab couples mei hote hai babes. You need to learn to deal with them right! " She said, imparting her own mother's words of sagacity in a different way to her own friend. Letting the light of wisdom pass on to her.

" Abe, mummy ki tarha baat mat kar be. Adjust, adjust, adjust, ghanta adjust. Kaiku karu apan adjust bata. Just because we are women that is why? Matlab hadh hai boss, ladke hai toh kuch bhi kar sakte hai. Kaise bhi deal kar sakte hai. Unke problems problems aur humare problems, betuki baatein. Why si this so! " Shradha was on fire.

And she wasn't wrong as well. This patriarchy works this way. The male ego, they do have a distinct chart board for us to follow and work accordingly. But the moment the woman starts to ask and question their own rights, the problems start to arise.

Typical male.. Her own husband wasn't an alien either. Shehnaaz's mind went back to the initial days when these things used to affect her like Shradha.

" Tumi anniversary bhule gale ki kore. ( how could you forget our anniversary!). Doesn't it matter to you at all? " She had said, sadness lacing her voice. Yet, Shehnaaz wasn't fighting. She was never the yell and shout kind of a girl. Never the one who would fight to make her problems knows. She was rather the silent mourner. Expecting the other to understand her problems without being proclaimed.

Yet, she was doing that to her husband. In a lot hushed voice though. A year. Just a year into marriage, they were still so new to each other. A lot of unfolding to be done, she had tried to show her emotions and problems with words to her husband.

" Baba work pressure.. Try and understand Sanu.. It wasn't intentional.. " He had justified himself so nonchalantly.

" Work toh sobar thake, nijer biyer anniversary k bhule jaye? (Everyone has work commitments in their platter. Who forgets ones own anniversary?) " She had still tried to defend her pain.

" Onekei bhule jaye. Who knows, this is a bigger world Sanu. Ki amon paap korlam ami. ( so many people might be doing the same. This is a bigger world. Is that a sin I did!) " He had said, chuckling a little. So unaffected, and that was the say she had stopped nudging him for more.

He had returned in the evening and had humbly taken her out for a quiet dinner in a restaurant though. Nothing plush, just a dhaba. And she had forgiven him instantly.

" Bou er raag ta komlo. Naaki aaj ker raat tao sukno sukno katate hobe! (Biwi ka gussa utra ya fir tonight would be a dry night again!) " He had said, while they were driving back home, making her blush and wet down there.

Sex, it had alays been good for them. Not over the top horny, but good enough.

" Iss.. Sidharth shut up. Nirlojjo hoe gacho tumi.(You have become so shameless)! " She had groaned, turning her face to look out of the window of her side, a failed attempt to hide her blushes when she had heard him chuckle and laugh.

She had forgiven him already. And the night, it was torrid enough to let her flush out her inhibitions. But next year, a repeatation of the same. And the same excuses and she had learnt to give up on her expectations from her husband to remember their anniversary.

It was just not important enough for him to remember.

" You know, sometimes I feel all these people want is a bed partner for themselves! " Shradha said, sipping up the coffee as their order had arrived.

Oh didn't she know that too!

Her own thoughts reflecting through her friend's tongue, it felt like a splash of cold water to her own brains.

" Abe bakwaas bandh kar and tell me what is wrong. " She asked, taking a bite from the sandwich. She was famished. The tiffin, she had slipped today.

Sidharth had an in-house meeting, lunch being served and she had skipped making her own.

And he had not even asked whether she had eaten anything at all! She wondered if he even noticed her lack of tiffin today!

" Everything is wrong dude. Everything. " She smirked, the sarcastic one, and gobbled down her own sandwich.

" Chod, Tu bata, how is jiju with you. Good. Bhai shahab toh lattu honge apni biwi par. Look at you, all bong beauty, glowing and looking absolutely ravishing.. " She asked instead.

Lattu!! Shehnaaz broke into a mirth inside her heart. If only she could say yes. How desperately she wanted to say yes. Despite this nonchalant woman, deep inside there was a woman writhing who was in dire need of appreciation.. A lot of appreciation from her husband. Only, she had never voices out till now.

Till now!

" Shut up Shradha.." She just hummed and smiled, giving that positive signal to her queries.

" Kya bakwaas topic liye baite hai. Bhakk. Let them fuck off right! We are here to reminisce back our good old days.. Aur bata.. Tujhe yaad hai, yaha hum kitna aya karte the. Like almost all the outlets. And boy, those blind dates. Yahoo measeger. Boss kya din the nahi.. Abhi saala Facebook and Instagram, bhakk, I'm so fucked up with social media, " She scoffed as they deviated more towards their good old days, reminiscing, laughing a lit, forgetting their problems and turmoils for a while.

Friendship, that was one of a kind of the real and pure form of a relationship one could have. Even more purer a bond that of a kids and parents. Eventually, everyone fades in life, pulls their support off from you, but friends, they were never ending. The good ones like these two. Years of being away, yet, nothing felt missing the moment they collided.

The charm of a good, pure friendship.

Yet, when this friendship starts to come as a wrong influence on another pure relationship, that of a husband and wife, the destruction is almost irrevocable. Because influence when comes from one pure relationship to the other, the choice becomes difficult.. So God damn difficult.

" You know. Hume na shaadi hi nahi karni chahiye thi. As long as we were alone, mast tha yaar life. Party, boys, disco, life happening thi boss happening. Yaar jabse shaadi kiya na, those initial days of bliss, and then wham.. All gone. The illusion broken, ruptured. " Shradha said, a while later of reminiscing their childhood good old days..

Childhood was good, no doubt.. But life transcends. Childhood grows to adulthood and the demand aof life changes. And only few people could understand this metamorphosis.. Maximum still remains dazed with the dialect good'ol days.. Forgetting that life is never ethe same at any of its phase. Nit even the childhood. Even the good'ol days had it's perils.

" True.. Kaash k hum bachpan mei firse wapas jaa paate and lock the time to not to mkvw ahead at all.. " She agreed.

Only, if it was possible for the time to hold itself still Or roll back to the past!

It never does! Good days moves to bad ones. Similarly, good things turn to bad ones. That's just the cycle of life. And the more graciously we accept that the better are the chances of a happier life.

Only, people hardly realise this, expecting the good to be everlasting...

It doesn't...

" But we can't. And that's sad isn't it. " Shradha said. A little gloomy.

" What is it, if I may know! "

" Nothing yaar. " She dismissed off, flying her ha da I air, scoffing off.

" Sharing reduces the affliction you know! " Sana said, sparing the age old words of philosophy, only, if she would have followed the same.

Sharing does reduces the pain.

There was silence, complete silence between them for a while. Shradha, contemplating, and Sana awaiting. For her friend to share her problems. The graver things, might be something much great to have bee affecting his friend to this level.

Yet, what comes out next, blows her off completely.

" he doesn't care at all Sana. He doesn't. I sometimes feel I am this maid to him. All he needs me is for his work. And that's all. No time. No words. No moments. No affection. It's like an emotionless marriage that I am running all on my own petty shoulders. And I do not know how long before I would die out of this burden, all alone and slouching. "

Shradha's words, her problems, they seemed like her own. A complete reflection of a life she herself had been living the past five years.

An emotionless marriage, that is exactly what her own marriage had been like.

And, Shehnaaz, she felt the same as her friend felt right now.

Slouching with the burden. Too much of a weight to carry all alone. And Sidharth, he had always been absent from the picture..

Always.. Right from the starting days of the marriage. And ahe was all ok with it. She had learnt to deal with the way her relationship was, until now. Until she got a vivid picture of the same from her own beat friend.

And everything went wrong henceforth!

****

How's ya guys.  Doing good! Hopefully the Chapter was good enough right!

Well do give honest reviews ok..

Till then.. Ciao.. Bye bye.. ❤❤❤

Sanu.