A cold breeze rustling my cardigan brought me back to reality.

I set the last chair in front of me, closing the circle, before shooting a glance toward the open doors across the room.

A few girls, not much older than fifteen or sixteen, wandered in with their eyes trained on the ground.

I felt a strong tug at my heart at their appearance, feeling as if I was looking at a reflection of myself four years ago. Both stood with a slight hunch, as if they were too exhausted to stand up straight. The shorter girl wore a large men's hoodie and baggy sweatpants, lips so chapped that they had started to bleed a little. Her brown eyes were curtained by her messy blonde hair, as if she didn't want anyone to look into them. Her friend was a little more open, a light hesitation in each step as she ran a hand through her dark hair, lips pursed as her eyes scanned her surroundings.

"Welcome, ladies." I greeted softly, not wanting to overwhelm them, "Please find a seat, we're about to get started."

They nodded in unison, falling into the seats as far away from mine as possible. I couldn't blame them. I had been the same way the first time I attended a meeting.

I waited another five minutes before shutting the large double doors, both happy and saddened to see how big the turnout tonight was. It was the last day of the first week of school. Bianca and I had put signs up all around campus in hopes to become a safe haven to those in need.

Clearing my throat, I fell into my own seat with a small smile. "Some of you may know me, but it appears we have a lot of newcomers tonight."

I shifted in my seat and looked toward the wall straight ahead to keep myself distracted as I spoke. It'd been almost five years since my assault and it was still hard saying it out loud, even after doing it for two years.

"My name is Avery Spencer, and I'm a survivor of four years. I'm majoring in Child Psychology here at the University and created this support group a little over a year ago. This group started as a small club for assault survivors to come and speak of their experiences. It started with myself and four others, all of which were in the midst of trying to get over the assault that changed us. Within six months, this group has continued to grow and many have moved on, which is a great feat in itself. We understand that there are times of relapse, that there are times you want to give up, to not be in this world anymore and feel as if everyone will look at you in a different way if you speak out. But this is a safe place, a safe haven of sorts. What you say won't leave this room, and as long as you are comfortable, you don't have to tell anyone here. It took me months after my assault to tell my brother,  fiancé, and best friend, let alone let them know I was attending support groups. I understand more than anyone. I genuinely hope you all can find a family here, as we will always welcome you with open arms."

My speech was followed by a deep breath and a thumbs up from Bianca as she took her seat opposite of me and started to spark up conversation. My eyes wandered off my friend and to the little blonde girl who'd walked in. She met my eyes for a fraction of a second before averting her eyes and bowing her head.

**

Bianca decided she wanted to be the one to close everything up so I could get home at a decent time. She ignored my protests and waved me out the door as soon as the meeting ended. I stopped in the hall to dig through my purse to find my eyes, surprised when I peered up and met glistening dark brown eyes.

It was the blonde girl from the meeting, her hands trembling at her side. She shifted on her feet, throwing a quick look at her friend on her phone over her shoulder, before turning back to me and trying to offer a weak smile.

"Thank you." She whispered.

I frowned. "For what?"

"For this." She gestured around us. "For this. . . what you're doing. I can't tell anyone yet. I didn't even want to come tonight, but I saw your story and I believed that maybe you weren't gonna lead this like all those other stupid support groups. And I was right. So thank you, Avery, for being here to help all of us."

I felt my own eyes starting to sting with tears at her words.

 She reminded me so much of myself.

"Of course. If I could stop this all from happening in general, I would in heartbeat. If I could take all the assaults and throw the crappy people into the deepest pits of hell, I would. But I can't. So I do everything I can. Please come back tomorrow night."

She nodded, and for a fraction of a second I saw my own reflection staring back at me, before she turned her back and jogged back down the hall to meet her friend.

**

I stood outside the loft for about five minutes before forcing my way in, knowing what I'd be greeted with.

Don't get me wrong, I loved Colton more than anything in the world. But sometimes his optimism could be a little too much. Especially on my meeting nights, he always greeted me with a grin and wanted to hear about how it went.

"I was wondering how long you were going to stand out there." He wasn't in his usual peppy mood.

When I didn't respond, he shut the TV off and leaned forward on the sofa, hands resting on his knees. "Shut the door, Avery."

"What happened?" I breathed, jumping to worst case scenario. "Is Landon ok?"

He forced himself up from the couch with a sign, running a hand through his hair.

"Landon is fine."

"Then what's wrong, Colt?" I straightened my body a little, "Talk to me."

"How about you talk to me, Avery." He made a gesture toward the kitchen table. "I thought we were passed this. I thought you knew you could confide in me about anything. Especially something like this."

I knew before I made my way to the kitchen what I'd find. I'd tried so hard to bury them at the bottom of the trash this morning, praying he wouldn't find them. I was still in shock myself, and I didn't have it in me to try and talk about it.

"Colt-" I started.

"Look, Ave. I love you, we've been through a lot of shit the last few years. Talked through it all. Why couldn't you come to me about this?"

I could feel my hands starting to tremble at my sides.

"I still don't feel it's real, Colton. My mind can't seem to process the reality of it. I didn't want to sit and talk about it. Not today."

He breathed out, the tension in the air dissipating. After a few minutes of silence, he grabbed the pregnancy test from the table and made a gesture toward himself.

"This is a miracle, Avery. Our miracle." He stated with a small smile, before adding, "It took you two and a half years to be okay with intimacy, to even allow me to touch you in any way. I know that it's scary and brings back all the thoughts and pain of what happened, but you're strong Avery, and deep down you know this is happening."

He was right. I had prayed for my period after Kevin assaulted me. Everything in me didn't want to end up with his child, but the thought that he had impregnated me had sat in my mind for weeks. Despite it being consensual with Colton, it still causes flashes of those two months years ago, sitting in anxiety and anticipation.

"I wish you would have said something." He said softly, "At least told me. We didn't have to talk about it then, Ave, but I would have at least liked to have been part of it."

I couldn't find the right words to say and what came out definitely wasn't the best thing for this situation.

"Well now you know."

I thought he'd get pissed, that he'd turn around and walk away, slamming our bedroom door. Instead, he took a step forward and cupped my face in his hands.

"When I asked you to marry me, Avery, it wasn't because I wanted you. It was because I needed you. We share a bond, a connection, that I know I'll never find in someone else. It's something far deeper than love and something I'll never be able to explain." He pressed his forehead against mine, brushing my tears from my cheeks with his thumbs, "And to know I'm going to get to share that same bond and love with our child is probably one of the most amazing things I've ever felt. I've been sitting here for hours thinking about it."

I nodded, glancing toward the two tests in the ziplock on the table.

Maybe I didn't have to remember tonight as the anniversary of the trial, of the day I stood before my rapist and felt as if I wanted to sink into a black hole. Maybe it was time I did as I told my girls to every night; move on. It would always be there, of course, it's a feeling and memory that will never go away.

Tonight would be the day I found out I was pregnant. Today would be the day I learned to let go.

**

It wasn't until late that night when Colton was asleep that I found myself wandering into the guest room. When we'd moved in, the plan had been for Landon to move with us, but he'd enlisted in the military only a few months before and had been shipped out before he got the chance to even pack a box.

I sat at the edge of the bare mattress, touching my old baby blanket resting on top of one of the boxes. It had been one of the few things I'd clung too after the rape, it had been the only way I'd feel like my old self. Like their will still pieces of me buried deep down.

Now this blanket would come with new memories. It would be clutched by the small hands of our baby.

I hugged the blanket against me tightly, tears falling silently. My eyes caught an old folded up picture poking out of my high school scrapbook. I grasped it with a shaky hand, lips pulling into a smile.

It was Colton, Landon, and I a few weeks before the party that summer. Landon had been relaxed on a pool raft out back, the glistening blue water almost reflecting off his glasses. I'd been on Colton's shoulders, my hands covering my eyes but a huge smile stretched out across my face. His head was tilted upward, eyes on me. I hadn't seen it then, but even back before everything happened he'd stared at me with such kind and loving eyes.

That had been me before it all happened. The happy me. The carefree me. The innocent me. Before I had a constant coldness in my eyes. Before I fell into random spurts of depression and didn't even want to get out of bed. Before I had a man with dark, haunting blue eyes that lived in my nightmares and stood over me every time I closed my eyes.

I was so caught up in my thoughts I didn't even hear Colton come in. He sat on the bed behind me silently and immediately pulled me into his warm embrace.

Instead of saying how I was really feeling, I focused on him, "You were in love with me back then?"

He smiled. "I've always loved you, Avery. It just took me until we weren't around each other all the time to realize it."

I smiled through my tears and watched as he took the picture.

"I see it, you know." He said, earning a confused look out of me.

"See what."

"You, love." He set the picture down and threw a smile my way, "I can see fragments of that Avery resurfacing."

I never responded. I couldn't. Instead we laid on the bed, my body pressed into his side, head on his chest listening to the steadiness of his heartbeat.

I could see it too. When I looked in the mirror, I did still see the broken girl who'd been beaten down and taken. But sometimes, even if only for a second, I saw the happy teenage girl that lived life to the fullest. And it was during those times that, scars and all, I could see the girl I used to be breaking through. 

****AN****

NEEDS TO BE EDITED

Hey guys! SO SO SO SORRY for the late update! I know it was the final one too and I took like a decade! Life has just been super crazy! 

I hope you enjoyed! Let me know what you thought!

~ChasingMadness24