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64.) Fear's a Liar

I didn't like the dark. That wasn't new, but it didn't change the singular fact that I was in the dark and I did not want to be.

I was in the dark for a haunted or cursed or completely ordinary cup. I didn't care about the cup. There was nothing stopping me from turning around and taking my chances with the siren. I could take her, I knew I could.

But I had friends now. Weak, cute little friends. I took a deep breath. The dark would have to do.

I stepped forward. There it was, the tree that marked the start of the grove. Then I'd see the cup and my worst fear. I just hoped whatever I was afraid of was something I could punch. If it wasn't, well I was in trouble.

I took a step forward. Please be punchable.

Then another. Please let me hit you, oh great fear.

Then I was in the grove. Nothing happened. I was fearless, evidently.

I took another step forward. Nothing.

Then there was a hand on my shoulder. I let the corners of my mouth inch up. I could punch it!

I made a fist and swung around, grabbing my assailant before they could move. Then, I faulted.

"Ryan?"

She looked at me, her eyes cold. "Arriana."

I braced myself for whatever emotional devastation would come. Something would come.

Ryan chuckled. "You really thought I loved you, didn't you?"

"Liked me at least."

If that was the best the meadow had, I'd be golden. If the shocking revelation was that Ryan wasn't dedicated mind and soul to me after our brief relationship, the grove would have to dig a lot deeper than that.

"No, I was just using you. Using you like everyone in your life."

"I'm not useful."

"To the contrary. You're powerful. You're leverage for your parents against each other. You're a friend who can go places others can't."

"That's not true."

I turned around, but Ryan was infront of me again.

"Are you so sure? This place is good at telling you truths."

"No, it's not. That's not what it does and you know it."

"Do I know it?"

"You're not real."

"Are any of us real?"

"More real than you."

Ryan's lips moved a little bit. A flame flickered, illuminating her face in an orangish light.

"Does this seem real to you?"

The warmth felt real enough. But it wasn't. I knew it wasn't.

I shook my head.

"How about this?" Ryan flicked her fingers, and the ground was blazing, the flames moving rapidly.

"That's not real either."

"Wanna bet?"

Her eyes seemed to be glowing, then they were like smoldering embers.

I held my ground. The fire inched toward me. I felt warm all over, but I didn't burn.

It was my turn to smile. "See, not real. You don't have power here."

"Oh, I do. I've always had power in your mind, Arriana."

I shook my head. "You need to feel like you have power, don't you?"

"I do have power."

"Fear needs to feel like it has control, otherwise you start to see how small it is."

"I'm not small!"

It was looking less and less like Ryan by the second. It stretched out, grew lean muscles. It was a monster, a thin, huge monster.

"Much better."

I stared up at it. I could punch my way through this one.

"I know you, Arriana." It wasn't moving. I felt its intent in my core. I made sure it felt mine.

I clenched my fists.

"Always a fighter."

My hand went through its face. That wasn't fun. But it did mean I could ignore the monster. I forced myself to relax and walked through the creature. That was fear. Not so tough, was it?

I loved myself, so I could never be unloved. I knew that, but why did it hurt so much? Fear was a liar. My father had always preached that fear was a great deceiver, but it still hurt. My throat was tight. I hated that it bothered me.

"You can ignore me all you want, but I'm still here. Growing. Learning."

A shiver ran down my spine. I needed to get the cup and get out.

There it was, flashing signs in my mind. I could feel it behind me, like a cold spot that would make the superstitious cross themselves.

"No one will ever love you, child." The open palm pressed down with a condescension.

I needed that stupid cup. I needed my friends, even if they didn't need me. That was the thing, wasn't it? I wouldn't always be the one that was needed. I would have to make my peace with that, one day.

"Your friends would be better off without you."

I spun around. I was giving it too much attention. I knew that. But I couldn't resist.

"I don't care. I need them."

"Selfish, aren't you? Just like your mother."

"You don't know my mother and you don't know me."

I needed to get to that chalice. I went back to ignoring it. I liked it better when I was ignoring it. Why was my fear so emotional? And why was it so hurtful.

I took another step forward, but I faltered. My breath caught in my throat.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could almost see my father. Then there was me, about six years old.

"Fear is a liar, Arriana. Fear seeks to distort. It'll freeze you in place, but you are stronger than your fear."

I made my fingers move. "I am stronger than my fear."

I took a step.

"I am stronger than my fear."

I was making ground, and the monster's grotesk fingers didn't seem quite so trong anymore.

"I am stronger than my fear."

It was behind me still, but I was making ground.

"Yes, you're stronger than your fear, I know."

I hadn't drowned it out enough. I took another step. I wasn't moving fast enough. I started in a run, but I wasn't moving. The cave stayed where it was, or rather, I stayed where I was.

"I have power here, half breed."

"You're a reflection of me, so think again before you throw around insults."

"Snarky one. You'll drive everyone away at this rate."

"I haven't yet. What makes you think I will?"

"Have you told your parents about your witch?"

"It doesn't matter."

"You like girls, don't you think they'll care? That they'll reject you? But then, you don't really like anyone, do you? Not the way others do."

"What do you mean?"

"You really think kissing is as far as anyone will ever want to go?"

I stared at it. I'd never thought about that. 

"You think anyone will accept you? Your parents?"

"My father won't care."

"How can you be so sure?"

"He's supportive of all the crew that—"

"But they aren't responsible for his bloodline, are they?"

"Bloodline? What is this?"

"You can't have a dynasty if your only daughter refuses to have children."

"I'll adopt. Most pirate dynasties aren't biological. Sometimes they even pass from captain to first mate."

"What about your mother?"

"Sirens don't reproduce."

"She did."

"Only because—"

"She got pregnant as a human before she turned. I know, I know. But she was a siren when you were born."

"That doesn't matter." Its fingers were sickening all of a sudden. I wanted to throw up, but I wouldn't give it the satisfaction.

"It does. It all matters."

"What would you do if your parents disowned you?"

I knew the answer to that, deep down. "Find Ryan. Start my own crew. Live my life."

"Without them? Can you imagine that?"

I could. Pain dulled over time, I knew that. I would be glorious. I would rule the waves, and I wanted that for myself.

"Because I can, and it's not what you think."

"You don' t know my future any more than I do."

"Maybe not, but do you know how much you can drink? Daughter of a pirate, I imagine its enough to drink yourself to death."

"I don't drink. Never have."

"You can always start."

I closed my eyes. I wouldn't let myself see the rest of the conversation. I'd imagine my eyes were closed in my mind too.

"I'm not discussing this."

I took a tentative step forward. I squinted. I hadn't moved. The monster was truly huge now. I was afraid. I was afraid and I hated that I was afraid.

I needed to do this to get to Castor.

"I am loved."

I opened my eyes. The monster didn't move.

"I have value."

It was shrinking. I felt the words in my soul. That was what I needed.

"My family accepts me."

I knew that too. The only family that mattered would love me. I felt that in my core.

"I am more than my uses."

It shrank again. I moved forward. This time I was making progress.

"I am loved."

I broke into a run. There it was. I was in my natural state, running, through the monster. Past the monster. Into the cave.

Then, there it was. My hands grasped the cup. The cup that'd given me so much trouble.

My fingers touched the cold, and the dark surrounded me. I froze, hugging the metal to myself.

"You forget, I have power here."

I had the artifact, that was more than before. I had the artefact and all that was left to do was leave. I held the metal tight and ran. Running was what I did best. 

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