Chapter Nine (Noah)

I hated remembering.

I wanted to be a blank slate again. From the moment I was born until now, I was a new person. I didn't know a thing about my past self. I was Noah Gallagher. A werewolf from a pack that no longer needed me. A pack that no longer existed.

It was just me.

I had used the money from my pack to purchase the Amethyst home, but I was on my own from there. I couldn't join a pack anymore nor could I start my own. I was a lone wolf and a lone wolf was a dangerous position to be in.

I came to Blood Rain and asked for help. They gave it to me and I serve under them as my own individual. When people asked me, I just told them I was part of a pack as a lie so they wouldn't attack me. Lone wolves were always torn apart if they got in the way and for some reason, I truly didn't want to die.

My entire pack was slaughtered in front of me. Every man, woman, and pup ripped to pieces in front of me. I lost my job at the local bookstore and I had to drop out of college. I even had to sleep at homeless shelters for a few days before I made my way to Moonstone.

And I don't even know why I showed up there at first.

It was just a small podunk Alabama town, miles and miles away from my home. And yet, something was calling me there. I felt like I had to be there. I managed to withdraw the last of the money in my pack's bank account to purchase the house. I picked up a job at The Mockingbird and met Blood Rain, who promised to help me stay on my feet until I figured out my purpose.

I still didn't know my purpose...

Until the day I met Luka Strykyrius.

The moment I saw him, I recognized him. Since I moved to Moonstone, I'd been having horrible nightmares and memory shocks of this person. One moment, it'd be a simple dream about him. The next, it'd turn into a horror show.

The first dream was the worst because it caught me off guard. I fell asleep at the Luna Plantation house on their sofa after helping them clean up after a coming of age ceremony. I closed my eyes and as soon as I did, I saw an angel leaning over me.

He was beautiful. Gorgeous soft blonde hair, the color of gold, with expressive blue-green eyes. A delighted, child-like smile that made him look so innocent. I had never seen someone so pure before and I was stunned that he was smiling down at me, pausing to laugh.

"You are simply the strangest human I'd ever had the pleasure of meeting, Naosia." He laughed gleefully, sitting back as I slowly sat up to look at him. We were sitting on the roof top of some gorgeous palace adorned in gold. It held a warm, ancient feel to it. The air was hot and dry, miles upon miles of desert stretching to all sides, save for a patch of trees and grass that led to an ancient town made of stone.

I looked at this creature again as he smiled, staring up at the clear blue sky. He was wearing beautiful silk white robes, which were see-through in some places so I could catch a glimpse of perfectly sun-kissed skin.

"You act as if you're not human." My mouth said for me. I blinked. Why did I say that? Luka turned to look at me with a gorgeous smile.

"I don't want to be human... Humans are too vulnerable." He tacked on, looking a bit disgruntled. I reached out and put my arms around him, holding him close so he could rest his head against my chest, his eyes looking up at me.

"You could never be vulnerable. You have me." I added lovingly, kissing him on the nose. Luka's cheeks flushed and he wiggled a little in my arms, rising to his feet over me. He folded his arms over his chest.

"And how are you going to protect me?" He asked. I smiled up at him.

"With my very life." I assured, reaching up to take his hand, brushing my fingers over his knuckles. Luka gazed down at me in absolute love and trust. It was so pure, so clean. Could someone really be like this in reality? Could someone be this innocent?

It was almost like loving a child in an adult's body.

Luka helped me to my feet and that's when my dream changed. Everything around me seemed to blow away with the hot desert wind. Everything turned to sand, flying away in the wind. Even Luka disappeared from in front of me, a smile still on his face before it fluttered away.

Now I was standing near a throne. A beautifully designed throne made of stone and gold with several guards waiting around it as I came forward, my long red and black robes billowing around me as I approached the throne. I turned and faced what looked like a giant arena.

But there was no basketball or football game going on at the center. Instead, the gallows waited below at the center with a large executioner waiting. Approaching the gallows was Luka, his blonde hair sticking to the sides of his beautiful face with sweat. He was murmuring something under his breath before falling silent as the executioner came down and grabbed him roughly.

Get your hands off him. The thought was threatening as it flashed through my mind, but my lips didn't move.

The executioner led Luka to the noose that swung gently in the humid wind that coiled around the arena. The audiences were either cheering or shouting, all their calls falling on deaf ears as they watched Luka stand under the noose. The executioner brought it down and slid it around Luka's neck before tightening it.

Luka's eyes locked straight ahead before looking up at me, my eyes widening.

What am I doing here?! Why am I not saving him? I promised! I told him I'd save him! I told him I'd protect him! Why am I here? I should be down there, killing that executioner for handling him so roughly! I should be down there, holding him and telling him it's all right!

So why am I up here, staring down at him?

Through the eyes of a murderer?

"Bear witness," My voice came without my even thinking about it, as if I were trapped inside and listening to myself, "To the death of all those who betray me and stand against me. Bear witness to the death of he who called himself my friend. Luka Strykyrius! May you suffer in Hell for your act of treason!"

No! No, why am I saying these things?

What's happening?!

Stop!

Stop!

I watched in agonized horror as the executioner pulled the lever. Luka's smile vanished as the noose snapped and choked him. My horror only grew as I watched Luka writhe. The noose didn't break his neck mercifully. It began to strangle him, suffocating him slowly. I watched Luka's lips part slowly as he tried to gulp in breathes of air, but none came to him.

I writhed inside this body of mine, screaming to get out as I watched Luka slowly choke to death. I watached the noose dig into his soft throat, turning it purple. I watched the way he tried to suck in air desperately, the way his eyelids fluttered as a single tear fell down his cheek and hit the sand below.

And he went limp.

My pain ached harsher and harsher. I beat against the inside of my body, feeling as if I were trapped inside a box. I felt a scream well up in my throat, but it didn't escape from the lips of my body, just my soul as I screamed.

My mate was dead.

I killed my own mate...

A sob choked its way up my throat and it finally burst free, but it was only because I had woken up from my nightmare on the sofa to have Zaid leaning over me with wide, worried eyes as he asked me what the hell was happening.

I told him and he had no idea what was happening. I didn't understand it either. It felt so real, so vivid. I felt everything, right down to the hot sands. I heard everything, even Luka's last attempt at sucking in air that failed miserably.

That nightmare was soon followed by more and more until every night, I woke up in a cold, icy sweat, horrified.

And when I came out to greet our guests and I saw Luka standing there, my whole world burst into pieces. I wanted to cry when I saw him, but when I went to help him, hoping he'd see me for the person I couldn't see, he seemed oblivious. My heart broke and I assumed maybe I had gotten the wrong person, or maybe I had missed something.

But when I asked his name...

Luka Strykyrius.

I knew.

This was the Luka from my dreams. The Luka from my nightmares and the Luka from my past...

My Luka.

My Ruruka.

But when Luka confirmed it, he was enraged. I could see the hate, the betrayal, the agony on his face before he punched me. I apologized and I wanted to explain for what happened, but I didn't know how. I didn't want to kill Luka, but my body was working on its own...

Or, at least, I think it was.

Was my past self really that cruel? That tyranical? That desperate for power?

Apparently so because Luka wouldn't even look at me without disgust. I could see the look in his eyes every time and it panged me. Was it even possible to hate your mate? Did Luka truly hate me so much that he let me die as revenge for letting him die?

My last nightmare was the final piece to my memory. The night I died.

I had been told to hide with a dagger in my quarters and I obeyed without question. I didn't want to die, not yet. I had business to take care of, I just couldn't remember what it was. I just remembered being scared as I sat in the closet, hearing the splashes of blood and people dying outside before the doors to my closet flew open.

This huge man stood there, withdrawing his sword.

"Bear witness to the death of the only mate willing to kill his other half for power." The man's lips didn't move, and nor was it his voice. It wasn't Genghis Khan who had uttered those agonizingly familiar words. My eyes flickered and widened as they landed on him.

Standing beside Genghis Khan was a ghost. The ghost of my mate.

Luka stood there, wearing clinking armor that glinted in the light from outside. Unlike the bulky armor the other guards wore, Luka wore the armor slimly, still revealing the wonderful body that lay beneath the red, black, and gold. He had tugged a black veil away from his face, his lips just finishing the words.

"Ru--"

And everything went black in that instant and I knew I was dead.

I had woken up feeling sick to my stomach and spent the rest of the night vomiting. Part of me knew I deserved this, but another part of me didn't understand it. Another part of me felt pained as Luka stood there, doing hardly a thing, standing there and staring at me as I was beheaded.

"Noah, you're spilling the tea!" Thalia barked, snapping me out of my daze and I looked down to see that I had overfilled my tea cup, watching the yellow chamomile brew spill to the floor. I winced and set the tea pot down, hurriedly mopping it up.

"You're a klutz," She accused me, then rolled her eyes as she rolled out the dough for the rolls, "This would be so much easier if we had Luka here to help. If it wasn't for Trisha, he'd be in here doing all of this instead of us." I blinked, then glanced at her out the corner of my eye in disgust.

"He's not a servant." I stated, keeping my voice clear of threat. One false move and they'd kill me, so I couldn't screw up, no matter how much I wanted to attack the she-wolf.

"Don't be stupid," Thalia chided dryly, "He's a butler. A butler is a servant. He knew his place and he did it well. Trisha just ratted us out. A worthless omega. I've always hated her. Why Scythe even bothered to let her in is beyond me. I don't trust her at all."

"You tried to kiss Luka. I didn't think weres were into humans. Especially weres that already have a husband." I deadpanned. Thalia's eyes glowed and she snapped her head to glare at me.

"Alek? My mate? Don't make me laugh. It was an arranged handfasting. Alek was never my mate. My father was impatient and we needed pups. Alek was the only single wolf at the time." She replied coldly, then stopped rolling the dough, storming out of the kitchen. I averted my eyes.

I felt sorry for Alek because he'd already found his mate, but if he had told Scythe's father, the previous Blood Rain leader, that his mate was actually Kylan, then it would cause a whole mess of trouble. In fact, I'd caught Alek and Kylan a few times before, but Alek was always the first to run away as if he couldn't stand being around Kylan.

I sighed and reached up to rub my temples.

I had no time to worry about the relationship problems in Blood Rain, and trust me there was plenty of issues with this pack that were on the verge of driving me insane. However, I had problems of my own to pay attention to and that was getting Luka to forgive me for the stupidity of my past self.

And what made things worse as I wanted to explain what happened to him, but how could I do that if my memories didn't want to come out on their own? And even when they did come up in nightmares, it just gave me bits and pieces. The harder I tried to remember, the more of a migraine I got, so I gave up and just decided to try and prove to Luka that I had changed.

I loved Luka.

I know I did.

I felt it.

It was a strong, powerful sense. It was so familiar and so beautiful. I wanted to share it with Luka, but whenever I tried to get near him, he pushed me away. Either physically, verbally, or magically.

"Ugh!" I groaned, throwing my head back and pressing the heels of my palms again my eyes in frustration before I leaned forward on the sink again, staring down into my chamomile tea.

And Luka's health.

Something was wrong there too.

I didn't quite understand it, but something was going on with him as well and it was driving me insane. I wanted to help, I wanted to know what was wrong, but how could I do that when he kept avoiding me?

"Either that tea is really interesting or you have something on your mind." I looked up to see Remi standing there, cocking an eyebrow at me. I sighed, pushing off the countertop.

Remi and I had met before I met Blood Rain. On my way through Virginia, I had stumbled through their town and been killing off the game there. Remi came out and met up with me, getting me back up on my feet. He even gave me directions to Moonstone, where he said he had lived previously.

I liked to think of us as friends, but it was hard with Kyler hating me. I didn't understand why Kyler hated me.

He just hated werewolves.

Which made no sense when his mate was a werewolf.

"I found my mate." I confessed. Remi blinked, looking surprised as he leaned on the dinner table, hooking his thumbs into the loops on his jeans.

"Really? Congratulations. Who is it?" He asked. I grimaced and Remi's face fell as I averted my eyes, shifting uncomfortably.

"Luka. Gavin's butler. There's just one problem... He hates my guts." I groaned. Remi frowned curiously at me for a while before sighing and giving me a slow nod.

"I know what that's like." He answered. I looked up, surprised as I stood up straight.

"Kyler hated you?" I asked in disbelief. It was nearly impossible to think Kyler would hate him. Kyler was hardly shy about his relationship with Remi and let the man kiss and hug on him whenever he wanted. Kyler was the stereotypical cat in the sense that he loved being loved on and may act a bit nonchalant about it, but he smiled every time Remi kissed him, touched him, held him, anything.

It was almost as Kyler worshipped the ground Remi walked on half the time.

The other half of the time it was vice versa.

"Yes," Remi responded with a shrug, frowning a bit, "Kyler's gone through a lot in his life. More than anyone could possibly know. All I can tell you is that someone hurt him, badly. And whoever that was, ruined Kyler's trust. Kyler didn't trust anyone. And even now, he won't trust many people. But I didn't give up when he told me he hated me. So what? He hated me, but I didn't hate him. I kept pushing because I wanted Kyler to know just how much I loved him and when we went through hell and back together, he realized the truth. It takes people like that a while to learn how to trust again."

"Be persistent, but don't be cruel or mean about it. Be gentle. Luka doesn't trust you or like you know, because he doesn't believe you. There's no reason to believe you. He just met you. Think of him as a puppy."

"A puppy?" I asked flatly. Remi smiled.

"When you get a puppy, the puppy is scared. He doesn't know you. He doesn't know what you want from him or what you plan to do with him. He'll be cautious and watch you carefully. He'll walk on eggshells around you. Puppies also don't want to be pet right away or want you to think you can do whatever you want. I suggest just talking to him first. Don't touch him. Once you've gotten past that, come find me again." He explained calmly, pushing off the table. I gave him a sour look.

"I feel like I'm part of that DS dog game."

"Good. Also," Remi said, standing by the door and turning to face me, "The world works just like wolves, they just don't realize it. Noah, you're a natural leader. A natural alpha and you always have been. But Luka's a natural beta. He seems to have no problem having Gavin and Kasper tell him what to do. But when it comes to you, he'll try and stand on top of you. Like I said, treat him like a puppy, but don't treat him like an omega." With that, Remi was gone and I was alone.

He was trying to help and I knew that. I just wished he had something a little more quicker, but I wasn't going to argue.

I took a deep breath and left the kitchen to find Luka. I looked away everywhere and finally found him outside. He wasn't wearing his uniform, much to my surprise. Instead, it was a pair of warm fleece pajama pants and a slightly oversized gray sweatshirt that read NEW YORK on the front. He was kneeling in the leaves that he had arranged on the ground to form a pentacle.

"What're you doing?" I asked aloud. I watched Luka tense, twitching a little in irritation before he went back to touching each of the leaves. I nibbled my lower lip, then walked over to stand beside him, watching him place his hands at the center of the leaves.

"You're casting a spell." I stated. Luka didn't look up at me. I saw him purse his lips in refusal to speak as he closed his eyes. A nip of irritation gnawed at me, but I managed to keep calm as I knelt down.

"Luka, please talk to me. I won't hurt you." I promised. Luka gritted his teeth, pressing his palms against the pentacle. I watched as his bare hands turned a light pink color from being in direct contact with the frosty ground. Little silver sparks of magic emerged from his finger tips, just like they did in my dreams.

No, my memories.

However, in my memories, Luka was always smiling as he showed me the magic his caretaker, Kira, had shown him. He was always eager to share his magic with me and he even taught me how to cool and warm my tea just with a simple chant.

But now, Luka wasn't smiling. He looked like he was in pain and I watched the magic sparkle across the leaves which slowly began to lift off the ground, fluttering in the air. My eyes widened in amazement as he made the pentacle float. Unfortunately, Luka gasped as he lost concentration and the leaves fell. He cursed and shot to his feet. I stood as well, but Luka spun around and pushed me hard in the chest, making me stumble back.

"I told you to stop following me. I don't want you anywhere near me. You can't just say Oh, I'm sorry for killing you. Can we be mates again? No. That's not how it works." Luka muttered in disgust, shaking his head as he stepped back. I frowned.

"Then what will work?" I asked hopefully. Luka shot me a dirty look, turning toward the house.

"If you'd die again." With that, he walked away from me, the cold wind whipping the hair out of his face, making his nose and cheeks pink. I sighed in frustration, clenching my fists before I went inside as well. Remi was standing in the foyer and looked up as I started past him.

"Where are you going?" He asked.

"I give up." I snapped. Remi frowned and reached out, grabbing my arm and jerking me to a stop, making me glare at him.

"Do you really want to give up on him that easily?" He demanded. I frowned, studying Remi's serious expression. I wanted to. I was tired of being shot down over and over again. It was making my chest ache... But...

"No." I whispered. Remi sighed, letting go of me, looking at me reassuringly.

"It's all right, Noah. Just keep trying. You can't give up on Luka... Because if you do, you're just proving his fears right and you can't do that." He explained firmly. I bit my lip as Remi looked at me again before walking over to Kyler, who was laughing at something Zaid was ranting about. Remi put an arm around Kyler's shoulders, pulling him close. Kyler looked up at him curiously and Remi gave him a firm kiss on the forehead before he said something to Zaid, who raised an eyebrow.

I watched Kyler smile lightly and the hand that wasn't holding a warm mug of coffee laced together with Remi's.

My heart ached.

I wanted that.

I wanted to hold Luka's hand... I wanted to be able to walk over to him and hug him without him pushing me away. I wanted to kiss him. Even talking to him would make me feel better.

But the only way to do that was to keep trying, I told myself firmly as I took deep breath, then went to search for Luka once again.