Well Hello there.

Augustus Bloat is an abhorrent man. Even before all this happened I disliked him, everyone did. I just liked working with the animals and so I tolerated him more than most.

Hmmmmm....Augustus Bloat, where do I start? He's a big, fat, ugly, sweaty, miserable, cantankerous, rotten toothed old bastard. Oh yeah, he's also a murderer.

How do I know that? Well, because he murdered me of course. I'm watching him now, going about the daily routine of feeding the pig, sheep and lambs. The calves will be next, then the chickens, then the rabbits who I am not too keen on. Last but not least are my favourites, the goats and their kids. Well, I should put that in past tense, seeing as I'm dead.... Toast.... Gone.... Disappeared.... Deceased....Departed....whatever you want to call it, but dead is dead and that's me.

Dead as dead can be.

No..... I refuse to not like the goats, they're still my favourites even though I'm dead. I think I'll hang on to humanity a bit longer if you don't mind. Unlike Bloat who is now kicking the piglets across the pen, I'm not sure if I should feel anger anymore, but I do. He's now taunting the sow, making high pitched squeals with his big fat face as the piglets cower in the corner to keep away from him.

Leave the animals alone you big bloody bully.

Are you wondering why he murdered me? It's funny, because as a ghost, which is what I think I am now, I don't value time as I used too. With that in mind you're going to have to indulge me a little more as I first tell you about myself. The description of my ultimate demise will come later, but first let me tell you a little about myself, you blood thirsty ghouls!

My name was, or is, Charlie O'Malley. I am, was, from .....Do you know what, I've made a decision and I'm going to reference myself in the past tense. I think it's only right. So to carry on, my name was Charlie O'Malley. I was from a strict Irish catholic family. So if you're reading this I guess you had better change the accent you were using in your head, to my proper one, a deep, strong Irish one.

My family moved to England forty seven years ago, when I was seven. So those mathematicians among you will have worked out I'm fifty five.....only joking fifty four I am. Damn this is strange, being dead n'all. My Da always told us to keep our accents, it's what defines us, he would say. A great hard working man my Da. Died when he was young, so sad. Lung cancer if you're wondering, smoked a pipe from when he was seven.

I was fifty four when I was murdered, still a young man I think, well at least young at heart. My Irish eyes still had a twinkle in them, by God did they have a twinkle! Especially for the Barmaid at the Minted Lamb down the road.

Joan Aldridge, by she were a beautiful woman, well she still is. I shouldn't refer to her in the past tense, I'm the one who's dead....Croaked.... Bit the big one. I was planning to ask her out, I'd have taken her to somewhere fancy, but not now. Such is life, or death, depending how you think of it. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this past tense thing now.

She did come to my funeral, which I find hard to fathom seeing as they never found my body. Just an empty coffin with some of my personal effects in. It was a nice affair though, they even had a wake at the pub afterwards. Everyone said such nice things, brought a tear to my eye's it did. Well, all apart from Bloat who attached himself to the free buffet and proceeded to eat most of it. He had a nerve turning up, that's for sure. His lecherous eyes were all over Joan, what a nasty mean spirited man he is.

So, after my Da died my Ma was on her own, bringing up us eight kids. It must have been hard, but she was a tough woman my ma, and she didn't spare the rod! Oh my no! She had a broken mop handle, The Beater she used to call it. By God did I get on the wrong side of that painful tool of bum welting more than once.

One night, when my Ma was asleep, I snuck downstairs to her sewing box. It was pitch black downstairs, I had to feel my way around the room. Stubbed my little toe so hard it popped on the end, almost passed out so I did, but then I found her sewing box. One great thing about my Ma was her ability to mend clothing. Altering and change was her way of ensuring all every piece of hand-me-down attire was used. And used again.

I took out a needle and cotton, it took about fifteen minutes to thread the needle by the way. Fifteen minutes I hear you say, well you go get one and try threading the needle with your eyes shut, I bet it takes you longer!

Anyway, I threaded the needle....eventually.... and sewed five sheets of folded up newspaper into my shorts, all around the posterior area if you get my meaning. I called them my whack pants, because anytime my Ma got out ol'Beater I ran and put them on. Of course I hopped and yelled, faked a few tears and promised never to be bad again, but it never hurt. And of course my Ma was satisfied I had learned my lesson.

She found out about my shorts alteration later on, she was so mad! I didn't come back to the house for three days, I slept rough in the woods. Made a little camp I did, caught a rabbit, cooked it and ate it. I pretended I was Robinson Crusoe, stuck on a desert island. What I didn't do was clean it, have you ever had explosive diarrhoea? You don't want it, trust me. And now you know why I am not too keen on rabbits and why I crawled back home after only three days.

I'm not too keen on getting bathed in a garden either, I wasn't allowed in the house because I smelled so bad. Ma thought a cold bath in the garden was punishment enough. Added to that was the fact that most kids from around where we lived came and watched. Good entertainment I suppose, when you don't have a television. I was called 'tin bath O'Malley' for quite a time after that little incident, I can tell you.

OK, Ok! Enough rambling on about me, you want to know about my murder right? Well, it's not all straight forward, but I'll tell it as fast as I can. I can see by your face you are an impatient thing, to be sure.

I have had lots of Jobs, and I'm not a big spender or drinker and I don't gamble. I'm no miser either, not like Bloat. It's rumoured that he once dropped a ten pence piece and as he went to pick it up it hit him in the back of the head. He also once found a penny lodged in the side of a drain, it was packed in so hard and Bloat wanted it so bad that he stretched it out! It's believed that copper wire was invented from this. It's all hearsay, but I like to believe it.

Sorry! Sorry I'm rambling again. So I had a bit of money saved up from all these different Jobs, to the grand sum of thirty thousand pounds. It was my nest egg, I planned to use it for a deposit on a house for myself and Joan when we married. Didn't I tell you I was planning that too? No? Well I was, a grand wedding it would have been too.

Anyway, I began working for Bloat two years back. The money wasn't good, but I loved working with the animals. It broke my heart when Bloat would pack the little ones off to the slaughter house, they were like my pets they were. He would laugh at me and call me weak, a cissy, a paddy cry baby but it didn't matter because I loved the animals and they loved me.

You could see the sadness in the eyes of the parent animals as their young'uns were taken from them. They would wander around their pens like lost souls, then it would be mating season and it all started again.

It was my first season on the farm and a nanny, that's a female goat, had a real little runt. Bloat saw it and went to bring his heavy boot down upon its unprotected, shivering, small and frail body. I dived down putting my arms over it and Bloat bore down, he snapped my arm in three places, but I saved the runt. I do like goats you see.

How he laughed at me, but I bought the runt from him. Fifty pounds it was. To be honest with you it wasn't worth fifty pence, but I knew what Bloat would do if I didn't pay. So I took the runt and cared for it, I don't mind telling you that I had a few sleepless nights with the little fella. Especially as I had to nurse my own broken arm. But he pulled through, and grew into a right stunner.

I pulled through too, just in case you're wondering but I was no real stunner to be fair!

He always followed me around the farm, but was wary of Bloat, all the animals were. Sorry! I know you think I'm rambling but this is all part of the story. I called my goat Lucky, for obvious reasons, his favourite trick was to butt me when I went to feed other animals. He sent me sprawling so many times, but he always trotted over and licked my face. The clever little bugger even worked out how to lift the pen locks off, always letting animals out he was! Yeah, me and Lucky were pals.

About a year later Bloat got wind of my little nest egg, it was my own fault I was looking at houses for sale in the local paper. He barged in on my dinner hour, started ridiculing me as a pauper and I couldn't afford a house, he said nasty things about me. I don't mind anything being said about me, but I don't like being called a liar, so I showed him my bank statement. He soon shut up.

Well, that day was countdown to death day for me, because Bloat wanted my money. Oh he was nice to me for a few days, said sorry a few times, and then asked if I wanted to be partners on the farm. How much I hear you ask, thirty thousand pounds for a twenty five percent stake in the business. Me, an owner of a farm! Of course I said yes.

The papers were drawn up, and we were in business. I didn't realise what the money was for. The horrid, nasty, bastard of a man had a slaughter house built. The thing I hated the most now stared at me every day.

Coming to work was horrible, every day I would walk up to the farm to see the huge grey monstrosity. It wasn't in use yet, we didn't have staff, training or the proper equipment to run it. But that didn't bother Bloat, oh no, it didn't bother him at all.

So I just kept myself busy, tending the animals, but I felt like a charlatan. It almost felt like the animals knew what the big grey shed was, they would stand and stare at it, quiet and earie it was. Yeah, the animals knew what he was up too. Lucky wouldn't follow me past it. He would run around the cow sheds on the opposite side of the fields and join me once I was past it. To be honest, I didn't blame him.

A few weeks went by and Bloat waddled over to talk to me, he said he needed more money. His stinking breath and B.O. stained t-shirt were almost overpowering. He wasn't happy when I told him I had no more, he stomped off, and he kicked Jess the dog and stormed into his house. He slammed the door so hard that that his door windows came out! All that followed were words best left up to the imagination, well if you have that sort of vocabulary...shame on you!

Bloat wouldn't let me in to tend to the pigs anymore, so I just got on with the rest of the farm chores. I could hear them snorting and squealing, I told Bloat I would report him if he didn't feed them. The horrid grin on Bloats face should have alerted me, but to be honest I was more worried about the pigs than Bloat. On hindsight............

The next day a huge truck pulled up into the main yard, I have never seen Bloat so excited. He was jumping up and down, rubbing his grubby fat hands together, and then I saw it. The biggest wood chipper ever to grace the planet, well maybe not the biggest, but you get my point. My heart almost stopped beating there and then, the look Bloat gave me made my blood run cold. Then he moved it into the slaughter house with the tractor. This wasn't good, oh my, I knew it wasn't good at all.

Later on that day, once the power had been rigged up to the machine Bloat shouted me into the Slaughter House. Ah..........Wait just one moment, I bet you're thinking Bloat pushed me into the chipper aren't you. Wrong! Oh my.....your way out. Lord have mercy, me in the chipper! Oh lord have mercy!...give me second to compose myself again. Ok, right I'm ready to start again.

He told me that he had secured us a contract with a burger franchise, we're going to make our fortune Charlie, he told me. Then he went on to explain how he was going to do the slaughtering himself. I told him he wasn't qualified but he dismissed me with a wave of his hand. Then he told me that he would be working for the next few weeks inside the shed, and I wasn't to come in until it was finished.

Why didn't I tell the police or inform on him? Well because he had done nothing wrong then, but all that was about to change. Oh my, did it change.

The two weeks without Bloat on the farm were bliss. Yeah, I could hear him grinding, welding and swearing from the shed, but that was it. Lucky never left my side and Jess the dog decided to move in with me, she even put on a few pounds. That happens I suppose when you get fed regular and with decent food.

The lambs were born and doing well, I did enjoy those days of watching the lambs bouncing around. I don't think you could ever get a better visual declaration of life than lambs bouncing around in a field in spring. I miss being alive....ho hum....never mind.

Then it happened, the day that Bloat finished. He stood there waiting at the main gate, a grin as wide as a sharks, with eyes just as dead.

Come and look, he shouted at me. Then he ran off as fast as his bloated carcass could go, back into the shed. Of course I had to go in, I had to see it. I didn't want too but I thought I might be able to talk some sense into him.

When I entered the shed it was like walking into some demented dream of a mad man. What bloat had built was plain old evil. Pulleys, chains, blades as long as your legs. It was like a demon robot, the bloody thing looked like it grinned. I felt sick.

Bloat didn't seem to care, he stood there beaming and then he told me what it did. They come in here, he said, all enthusiastic. Then get funnelled into the single pens. Bloat lifted up an evil contraption connected to huge wires. This is the stunner, he shouted as he put his head in to show.

He removed his head from the contraption, threw a huge electric switch and pressed a big red button which Bloat had drawn some horns on. The huge diesel engine started up, belching out thick black fumes like a horrendous robot fart.

Then he looked at me and grinned again.

Once they are stunned, they are grabbed by The Lifter. They hang all floppy then The Slicer starts up and slits their throats. He pointed up to a rusty old circular saw connected to a hydraulic arm, it shot forward and started up. Sparks flew from the engine propelling the blade forward, the noise grew as it sped up, then lessened as it slowed down to a stop.

He danced over to the next contraption. Then he said, It's at this point they go to The Drainer, and they just hang and bleed out here. That's because we can use the blood for other things such as black pudding, then it's over to The Gutter. I remember my mouth just hanging slack at this point as it started up. Six hooks, fashioned from iron poles connected to a rotating cam started moving forward then snapped down. It reminded me of a huge dirty praying mantis.

Bloat walked over to a propane tank and smiled. He almost looked in a trance and he spoke again. Then we get to the flamer, he whispered. We burn the hair off em quick and fast, at that point a huge dragon's breath of flame shot out form a pipe above our heads. The heat washed over me like a belch of a blast furnace.

After that is The Decapitator. I looked to where he pointed. This is where he cut off their eds, and their hoofs. As I watched three blades sliced down, two vertical, one horizontal. I was dumbfounded.

Bloat could see the repulsion on my face, he could see it plain as day, and he loved it. Then he said as he pointed over to the huge demon machines mouth. Then The Muncher, the meat's legs are cut off at the ankle and its body is dropped down into there and is spat out at the other end. With that a huge rusty scythe flashed out from behind the machine and slices down just below The Lifters arms.

I stood for a good few minutes, silent, gobsmacked....shaking.

Bloat shook his head at me as if I were a dumb kid. For the burgers, he said. Minced meat for the burgers, keep up Charlie you thick arse.

Then it happened. He ushered a few lambs into the pen. I tried to object, but Bloat pressed the button. It was the worst thing I have ever seen.

The stunner didn't work and the lamb started screaming. The Lifter grabbed it and The Slicer shot forward, missing its neck and cutting a deep wound into the lamb's chest. It hung, bucked and kicked above The Drainer, still screaming. Tears welled up in my eyes. The Lifter moved the poor lamb to The Gutter, the hooks shot forward, rending flesh off the still live animal. Blood flew everywhere. I couldn't hold back any more, I puked. I didn't need to look up as the smell of burning hair assaulted my nostrils and the lamb screamed for the last time. I looked up to see it hanging in The Lifter, black, smoking, floppy and unconscious.

The Decapitator whizzed forwards and cut the front legs off the lamb, but the head was missed. I remember Bloat growling dammit at this point. Then it was cut free into The Muncher, I puked again with the smell and the sound of what was happening inside that horrendous machine.

I was still on all fours when I looked up at Bloat. He grinned at me, a beauty isn't she, he said. A few teething problems, but other than that we're good to go. He pressed the button and another lamb was put into the stunner.

I ran out, desperate for fresh air. I puked again upon hearing the screaming lamb.

When I finally plucked up the courage to go back in, Bloat had his hands on his hips. He was muttering and cursing about the machine. Limbs and blood were everywhere.

It needs something bigger, he said. Well........ I almost fainted.

I remember pushing him, shouting no, shouting about cruelty. Then I remember the metal chain in his hand and he hit me.

When I woke up Bloat had tied me up. He had ushered a cow into the pen. Something bigger, he said. I was stunned, I couldn't believe what he was doing. It was nothing short of callous murder. I have never heard a cow scream before, and I never want to again. I don't need to describe what happened, I don't want to re live it. Suffice to say it was horrendous and we'll keep it at that.

I told Bloat I was reporting him to the police, a stupid thing to do if you think about it. If there is one word of advice I can give to the living, it's not to threaten someone who has you tied up.

He hit me with the chains again and fed me to the pigs that he had been starving.

He burned what was left of me, again and again. Then put all the ashes form the fire into a trailer, took it out onto his land where there was an old well. It took him five minutes to shovel the ash down into the dark unused cobweb ridden well. But when it was done, it was done.

He wasn't stupid about it either, he also burned all the pig shit. Quite a few times. That also followed my ashes into the well.

Charlie O'Malley was gone forever and no one would ever know where I was. A big build up to something so quick, I know. But you have appreciate my telling you everything gives a better picture of what happened and why.

But I'm still here and I don't know why.

I have been watching Bloat for a while now, he's still tinkering with the machine. I hate following him into the shed, it gives me the shivers. If you can have the shivers as a ghost!

That's where I am now, he's touching the blades as if they are pets. He is such a sick man. Oh god no! He is experimenting again, I can hear animals being ushered into the Pen. I can't watch this again, I'm sorry. I'll go out to the fields and talk about my childhood some more, you'll like that more than this, I promise.

He's pulling like mad on a blue rope. Whatever is on the other side of it is putting up a fight, but I can't watch, I don't want........Oh my god it's Lucky.

Bloat is swearing, putting his foot up against the vertical leg of the pen to get more leverage, he's pulling Lucky forward. I don't believe it, Lucky is looking dead at me and bleating can he see me?

Run away Lucky, run away!

Bloat is straining, his big fat red face is struggling. He's swearing like mad at Lucky, he's telling my goat that he's going to enjoy this!

Die of a heart attack you horrible man.

Lucky has just changed his direction, Holy Moley he has ran full pelt into Bloats stomach and laid him out in the pen!

I'm standing behind Bloat now, his head is resting on one of him many chins and he's snoring. Lucky is still looking at me as if waiting for instructions.

There's a noise behind me, Oh my! All the animals are inside the slaughter house, the sheep, the cows, the goats, rabbits 'shiver', and the pigs. They are now stood just staring at me, silent, apart from the pigs, they are looking down.

Hey, I don't blame you guy's. You were starving, It's Bloats fault, not yours.

The pigs have trotted towards me now and have sat all around me. This is so strange, I feel like I'm not describing it right, I have never seen the animals so quiet.

Lucky has opened the pen. No Lucky! No!.....to late.

He's got up onto his hind legs and pressed the big red button to start the machine.

The animals are not moving, they're just staring at Bloat in silence.

The machine has started up, the thick black smoke it jetting from the exhaust the noise from the engine is loud and angry. Oh my, The Stunner is moving down towards Bloats head...its on him....oh my. He's jittering on the floor like a demented break dancer.

The Lifter has grabbed his ankles, he's coming too now as he hangs there. Bloat is thrashing around, screaming to be let go but I think the modifications he has completed on The Lifter have him stuck fast.

The animals are still silent, Lucky at the front, staring at the man hanging upside down.

A green light is flashing now, Bloat has seen it too. He's screaming, praying, and shouting. But I think it will do him no good. The Lifter is taking him towards The Slicer, even I pull a face as the blade starts up, shoots forward and cuts a huge gash in his chest. Blood is splattering everywhere as he thrashes to get away, but The Lifter is taking him over to The Drainer.

Bloat has twisted around, his eyes have locked onto mine. Charlie he screams, Charlie help me, get me down, call an Ambulance......he's gone all silent. I think he has just realised I'm a ghost!

Bloat is mouthing something wordless in abject horror as he sees what's next. The Gutter. The hooks are already moving as if in anticipation of what's to come, frantic hooks searching for flesh. Now Bloat is screaming, I have never heard a louder one, but The Lifter has him fast.

The hooks are biting into his stomach, riving huge chunks of his ballooned belly away. Huge masses of flesh are falling to the floor. He's screaming, oh my, is he screaming.

The animals are still silent, watching it all, impassive but fixated.

The Gutter is finished, Bloat is a blood soaked mess but he's still alive, he's still whimpering. I can do nothing but watch, what else can a ghost do?

The Lifter is moving him to the next part, The Flamer. I can hear Bloat snivelling, he knows what's about to come. After all, he built the damned machine. Oh, the whole shed has lit up, he must have modified that part too. Bloats clothes are on fire, the cheap nylon jacket he is wearing is dripping on the floor. His flesh is also smouldering, I'm glad I'm a ghost, I bet it smells bad.

Against all odds, Bloat is still alive. If I were a betting man, I would guess he is wishing he was dead now. He knows what's coming up next.

The Lifter moves him, slow, towards The Decapitator. His eyes are still open, full of fear as he hears the blades move into position. They have sliced down. Too bad he didn't adjust this part, only one arm is off and his head is still attached, Bloat is still alive. He's above The Muncher now, dangling, dying and burned. The blade has just sliced forward, both feet are cut off and Bloat has fallen into mouth of this devil sent machine.

It's horrific, the amount of blood sprayed all around the Slaughter house, but The Muncher hasn't started up. Bloats bloodied and burned fingers are curled around the top of the metal funnel. I'm going to walk forward to see what's happening.

Well, I be darned. Bloat has managed to half haul himself up, if only he had used this effort in life to be nice. He's mouthing something at me, I'll lean forward. No can't make it out, I wonder what he's trying to say.

I can hear the cogs starting to move in The Muncher, Bloats eyes are locked onto mine one more time, they are wild with panic. I'm moving away now, I have now wish to see this.

The crunching and grinding sound is bad, real bad but it's over quick.

The animals are moving out of the Slaughter House in single file, quiet still. Justice is done. Lucky is nudging at my hand, I'll miss him. Now he's walking out too.

Bloat is beside me now, looking around all confused. I remember feeling the same when it happened to me.

Oh my, a door is opening the light is real bright, it's beckoning me in, it's beautiful. I can hear growls and screaming behind me, Bloat is pleading to me again. I guess we're just going to different places...............