A/N: before we start i just wanted to include this happy gif because wow it PAINS me. the HAND PLACEMENT. i can't stop watching it. ok bye. enjoy.

*trigger warning*

I sat on Vic's bathroom counter, running my hands up and down my legs, trying to calm down after today's events. My head was starting to pound from the slap to the face I had endured. I looked around the room, trying to find something to do to take my mind off the panic I was feeling.

In a matter of minutes, so much had happened between Vic and Oli on that beach. My mind was swimming with emotions. I was afraid of what Vic was about to tell me.

I probably should've been afraid for myself, for what his confession would mean to me or for our new relationship. But all I was afraid about was how Vic's confession would affect him.

I looked down at the bloody blue washcloth in my hands. I hadn't realized how much his lip was bleeding and some of his blood was stained on my fingertips.

I hopped off the grey countertop and started squeezing some hand soap onto the washcloth, letting it soak. I couldn't find another towel anywhere so I squatted down on the floor to look in the cabinet under the sink.

I pulled on the cabinet door and started moving around spare toilet paper rolls and extra bottles of shampoo and soap. I finally spotted a few folded up washcloths towards the back of the cabinet.

As I reached forward to grab a towel, I noticed a lifted up piece of wood in the corner of the cabinet. Confused, I pulled the wood over to the side and was surprised that it completely moved.

I examined the little wood piece in my hand, it was cut into a perfect square with sharp, clean edges. I turned my phone's flashlight on and reached my hand into the little hole. I quickly realized that the cabinet had a false bottom. If the piece of wood was placed into the hole better, and there wasn't that corner sticking up, I never would've seen it.

My hand barely fit in the tiny space, so I just wiggled my fingers until they brushed across a heavy object. Using my thumb and pointer finger I pinched the object and fished it up and out of the hole.

I sat back against the edge of the bathtub, pulling my feet up towards my chest as I examined the object.

It was a small cardboard box that was extremely worn. As I lifted it up I noticed just how heavy it was. I was surprised that such a small item could weigh so much.

A wave of anxiety and nausea washed over me as I started to lift the lid. I knew that I probably shouldn't open this box. It wasn't mine. It didn't belong to me. But all the warning signs were there. And all I could think was to protect Vic. All I could focus on was making sure Vic was okay.

I held onto that feeling as I lifted the lid off the box. What I found inside made me sick. Tears pricked the corners of my eyes.

Laying inside the small box were dozens of tiny metal blades. They were stacked so neatly on top of one another. Shiny and almost new looking.

My head started spinning. How? Why? I knew there was more to Vic. I knew he had to be hurting. But I never expected this.

I couldn't sit here holding this box anymore so I quickly stuffed the lid back on, placing it on the countertop. I started to pick myself up off the floor when the bathroom door swung open.

I felt instant panic as I locked eyes with Vic.

His hand was still on the doorknob, knuckles turning white. His eyes flicked from the box on the counter to my eyes, and then back to the box.

The tension and silence in the room was deafening. I'm not sure how long we stayed like that, just staring at each other.

Vic let his hand fall from the doorknob, his back slouched over as he looked towards the floor. He looked so small as he let out a pained sigh, choking through tears, whispering to me.

"I-I'm so sorry..."

Even though my legs felt like they were frozen in place, I took two large strides towards Vic. I flung my arms around him as we both sank to the ground. I held Vic against me as he sobbed into my chest, saying "I'm so sorry" over and over and over again.

His small frame convulsed as I moved my hand around his back in small circles, trying to comfort him.

"Vic? I'm here. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere, okay?" I whispered.

"B-but...why do you have those? I mean...I know why...but I..." I trailed off, not knowing what was the right or wrong thing to say in this moment.

Vic lifted his head from my chest and sat up to look at me. He didn't make any moves to leave my arms though.

"I swear to you Kellin that I've stopped. I haven't...um...I haven't cut since the carnival..." Vic admitted. It seemed like saying these words physically pained him. When he said the word "cut" he barely whispered it.

I stared into his panicked brown eyes. They searched mine, trying to read me, trying to know what I was thinking. He looked terrified.

"The carnival?"

"Y-yeah...after we kissed...I made a promise to myself that I was going to stop..."

"Why?"

"Because...when we kissed...I wasn't scared or disgusted by myself anymore. I was...happy? I-I didn't want to hurt myself because I didn't want to hurt you..."

My heart instantly broke. He's disgusted by himself?

I gently placed my hand on the side of his face, moving my thumb across his cheek as I looked into his eyes.

"Vic...why're you disgusted by yourself? I-I don't see what you see...I see a kind, and funny, and beautiful person."

All Vic could do was shake his head.

"N-no...I'm a monster Kells..." He muttered as he started sliding his palms up and down his thighs aggressively.

I instantly took notice of this and reached forward, placing my hands on top of his, "What happened?"

Vic's usual tanned face appeared practically pale as he fidgeted in my arms nervously.

"Here let me get up and wet this washcloth and get you some water. Your lip is starting to bleed again." I spoke gently, unclasping my arms from around Vic as I stood up.

I ran the cold water over the towel until it became completely saturated. I wrung out the excess water so the towel was nice and cool. I filled a cup up to the top and handed it to Vic as I sat back on the ground next to him.

He instantly downed half of the cup before placing it on the side of the bathtub.

I started gently dabbing the washcloth on Vic's lip, trying to remove the crusted blood and stop the wound from opening up again.

"So it all started right at the beginning of senior year. Soccer practices had just started and not all the students were on campus yet. I...I um..." Vic trailed off, his hands continuing to rub up and down his thighs.

I realized quickly that this was some sort of trigger for Vic. Something he did whenever he started panicking. I gently lifted his hands off his thighs and held them in my own hands.

I nodded encouragingly, giving his hands a small squeeze to let him know that he could continue.

"Over the summer I started noticing... things. I guess I had always noticed them. I remember noticing things about...you know...about guys...as far back as middle school. But the summer before senior year it got worse." Vic continued, muttering over certain parts and speaking quickly over others.

"What kinds of things did you notice?" I asked gently.

Vic bit his lip, "I started checking out guys, feeling all weird and nervous around some of them. I always knew deep down in my gut that I was...gay. Coming to terms with it was extremely hard for me. Part of me felt ashamed of who I was, and the other part felt ashamed because I felt ashamed."

I kept my hands intertwined with his, not daring to take my eyes from his. I noticed that since Vic had started talking, he didn't look away from me, not even once. Even though his entire body was shaking he kept his eyes locked on my face.

"I knew a few guys in my school that were gay. And I mean, it was 2019 for crying out loud! Why was I so afraid and disgusted by myself?"

"Anyways, I began researching stuff online and started watching...you know..." Vic blushed immediately as a small embarrassed grin spread across his face.

I couldn't help but feel a blush creep up on my cheeks too. This was the first lighthearted moment of the entire day and I shot Vic a cheeky smile, squeezing his hands again encouragingly.

Vic's face reverted back to one of seriousness as he began speaking again.

"So I was in the locker room after practice. Since I was the captain I always stayed late, even after Coach left so I could go over plays and videos from the practice. I was showering and I thought I was alone. The showers were huge so I had propped up my phone out of the water stream and started...watching a video..."

"By the time I got home I was sent a video from an anonymous number, that later I found out to be Oli, showing me in the shower watching gay porn. I mean, it didn't show me specifically but you could hear the video and you could see the side of my face."

"I panicked. Like completely panicked. Oli threatened me with the video, saying that if I didn't do what he said, he would post it online and make sure everyone in school saw it. Oli had always wanted me to join his group of friends. I say friends loosely because they're bullies and drug dealers. Oli knew that because I was one of the most popular guys in school, that me being in his group would only strengthen his "throne" as he called it."

"I had no choice. I couldn't let that video come out. I was still in the closet and still in denial that I was even gay. So for the next few months I was Oli's second in command. I watched him torture so many kids...bully and hurt so many. I helped him sell drugs. I did basically whatever he wanted me to do." Vic admitted.

He paused and searched my face, panicked. I'm sure he had every reason to panic because I bet my face looked shocked. I wasn't mad at Vic though. I was furious at Oli.

"Kells, I swear to you, I didn't physically hurt anyone. I didn't verbally hurt anyone either. I didn't do any of the bullying. That would've been too easy. No...what I did...was nothing. I stood to the side and watched as Oli tormented these students. I didn't speak up. I didn't try to stop him. I was Oli's pawn and I'm a monster..."

Even though I hadn't known Vic for long, I believed him.

"You're not a monster...you were put in a terrible situation. I wouldn't even know what I would've done..." I tried to comfort him.

Vic shook his head again.

"So this went on all through the fall and beginning of winter. Me, shamelessly following Oli around like a fucking puppy dog. Then one day, I um...went into one of the bathrooms at school...and I found T-tyler..." Vic's voice started quivering again as I noticed tears forming in his eyes.

"Hey hey, it's okay, you're okay. Here, drink some more water." I whispered, handing Vic the cup and gently tucking a piece of his hair behind his ear.

Vic finished off the rest of the water and continued.

"Tyler was one of the guys Oli and his friends picked on the most. It wasn't even just physical bullying. They'd send him terrible messages online, they'd yell things at him in the halls. I always wanted to speak up..."

Vic started crying even harder now, barely speaking audibly as he choked through the words.

"I...I found Tyler...in one of the stalls...crying...and...um...c-cutting himself..."

My chest tightened at Vic's words, a rock forming in my throat as I tried to stop the tears that were forming in my own eyes. I pulled Vic back towards me, wrapping my arms around him once again.

"I had n-never seen anybody do that to themselves before. It broke me. I asked Tyler why. He told me it was because of Oli. Because of me. The bullying had destroyed him, and he said the only way he felt better was to do this to himself.

"I didn't know what to say or do. Tyler begged, pleaded with me not to tell anyone. He said to please just do this one thing for him. I was at a loss for words...that conversation broke me. I promised I wouldn't tell and I asked him if he could stop. Looking back on it, I once again should've done more. But I didn't. Tyler moved away shortly after."

Vic was a complete mess at this point. Sobbing and sobbing, his hands once again rubbing furiously up and down his thighs as I held him in my arms.

"The guilt overcame me. Every single day I was sick. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to tell Oli the fuck off...I wanted to leave and never listen to another word he said. But at the same time, I was selfish. I still didn't want my secret to get out. So, one day I was with Mike at the pharmacy after school, and I saw the r-razor blades. I remembered Tyler...and I bought them."

"After that, I cut myself once every single day for seven months..."

I couldn't hold back my tears anymore as I listened to Vic's words. I let my tears fall down my cheeks in a rapid stream, barely finding the strength to hold onto Vic anymore.

"Oh Vic....Vic...I am so sorry this happened to y-you..."

Vic snaked out of my grasp and stood up. He turned his back to me and shimmied out of his bathing suit, leaving him standing in his boxers. He turned back to face me and I almost lost it right there. From Vic's waist, down to his thighs were hundreds of tiny scars. His skin bumpy and twisted, raised in different places.

"Vic..." I cried out, reaching for his hand so I could pull him close to me again.

"It's San Diego. It's summer all the time. It would've been out of character for me to suddenly stop wearing short sleeves or going surfing. So I had to get creative. I-it was hard...I was c-constantly afraid of what would happen if I ran out of skin..." Vic fell to the ground again, running his hands over his thighs.

I couldn't stop crying as I looked at his legs. I couldn't believe that he had carried this pain and guilt with him for so long.

"A-anyways...one day after winter break Oli just completely stopped talking to me. He left me alone. I mean yeah he would say stupid things to me in the halls sometimes, but he never posted that video. I still to this day have no idea why he stopped."

"But unfortunately the damage was done...I still continued to hurt myself. Whether it was because of guilt from Tyler and all the other kids I probably hurt, or because of my disgust of who I really was...I just couldn't stop..."

Vic suddenly reached up, cupping my face in his hands.

"But then I met you Kells. At first, you terrified me. I instantly had feelings for you from that first moment on the beach. I was both intrigued and disgusted by my feelings for you. As time went on, the feelings of disgust went away and all I wanted to do was be near you."

Vic moved his thumb across the tears that were still falling down my face, "I-I still cut during those times...and I would feel terrible every time. It was like my mind was messing with me, convincing me that what I was feeling was wrong. But my heart knew, it knew that there was nothing wrong with me or with my feelings for you. After our first d-date I knew...I knew that I had nothing to be afraid of. I promised myself I wouldn't hurt myself anymore. And I didn't! I just...I couldn't bring myself to get rid of the blades..."

I reached up and placed my hand over Vic's that was still on my cheek, "Vic...what happened to you was not your fault, I hope you know that. I know that what Oli made you do...it can never be taken back but you can't carry this guilt with you forever. Maybe we could find Tyler and you could apologize to him..."

"Y-yeah...yeah I think that might be a good idea..." Vic exhaled.

"And I'm so glad that you finally came to terms with who you are, but I want you to know that you're not a monster. Vic, I care about you so much. Probably too much to be considered normal at this stage in our relationship but, you're incredible." I said quietly, my voice lightening up a bit at my admission.

My response got a small chuckle from Vic as he wiped his nose on his sleeve.

"Our relationship didn't exactly begin normally, so I'd say whatever timeline for "relationship milestones" doesn't really make sense for us anyways." Vic said with a slight smile.

I nodded and nudged him playfully, but quickly feeling the tension from our conversation still in the room. We both seemed to glance at the cardboard box at the same time.

"Vic?"

"Hm?" He answered, eyes locked on the little brown box.

"Do you want me to help you get rid of them?"

Vic turned to me, tears once again in his eyes as he nodded. I saw the smallest glimmer in his iris'.

"Yes."

We both got up from the tile floor, my hand instantly intertwining with his as I grabbed the box. I shoved it in my back pocket as we walked out of Vic's house, and around the corner to the dumpster at the end of their street.

I handed it to Vic as we stood side by side in front of the huge aluminum trash can. I watched as Vic opened the lid to look inside, the light reflecting off the many blades. One of his hands was holding the box, the other was on his right thigh.

Finally, Vic reached up and tossed the cardboard box into the dumpster. We both heard it hit the ground, the clattering sound of metal ringing out as the blades most likely splattered out of the box.

Vic turned to me, the late summer sun casting a warm glow against his face.

"C-can you stay with me tonight?" He asked.

"I won't leave your side."

We turned and headed back to Vic's house in silence, the faint sound of waves crashing in the distance.

_Author's Note_

Holy moly it's been almost two months since I updated this. This was a big one. How're y'all feeling after this chapter? Vic's big secret is finally out. I have a feeling that there will still be more for them to talk about with this.

Also I apologize for SO much of dialogue from Vic. I didn't think that writing a flashback would work well with the context of the story. It also probably would've been a WAY longer chapter, so I hope this format was ok and not too confusing.

I hope you've all been okay and are continuing to stay safe during these weird times.

Cassidy :)