hi guys! this is my first ever story so be kind. comment and vote (btw i'm really new here so i'm not entirely sure what voting is for) thank you so much, and for one last time, this is my short story,

                                  THE SIXTH STEP 

I knew I would need a lot of courage to get through this day, little did I know just how much I would need it. I groaned and hit the deafening snooze button on my alarm. My head was pounding, and I couldn’t recall most of what had happened the night before. I’d gone out for a couple of drinks, which soon became a party. The last thing I could remember was throwing up in the cubicle of some grimy bathroom somewhere. It really must have been what would have called a great night. As my alarm began to ring through my head again, I pulled myself up and turned it off. Why was it so blindingly bright? I looked around for Carrie, but she was nowhere to be found. Carrie was my girlfriend, but I wasn’t exactly what you’d call the best of boyfriends. In fact, I didn’t love her at all, and I wasn’t even that fond of her. Don’t ask me why I even bothered having her as a girlfriend. She was quiet and bookish, and, in what was my opinion, boring. Unfortunately I never bothered to get to know her better than that.

I’m being honest when I say I didn’t care for her even the slightest bit. I wasn’t faithful to her and didn’t even try to hide it. I never expected her to leave, though. I always just thought she’d carry on loving miserably for the rest of my life. In retrospect, I really should have seen that coming, but I guess that’s just who I was. After checking the whole apartment I found her note. It explained she couldn’t take life with me anymore. I barely even took the time to read it and didn’t really care. I just carried on with my morning routine, getting a glass of water and searching for an aspirin. I dressed and made my way to work. I was fully trained as an architect, and I worked in the leading firm in New York City. In fact, I would have been quite high up in the firm by now if I had actually bothered to do any work. As it was I was due to have the drawings for a building completed that day, but of course I was too busy getting drunk to even start. That was why I thought I would need courage that day. I went to work expecting to get fired, and sure enough, after a short speech about commitment and motivation, I lost my job. My day was going spectacularly so far, but I had only one thing left to do. I had a doctor’s appointment and considering that I had no job, no girlfriend and nothing to do, I decided to keep it.

I arrived at the doctor’s office and after a short wait; spent chatting up the women in the waiting area my name was called. I casually entered the doctor’s office. I’ll never forget that room, with its clean, off-white walls and the papers that lay haphazardly on the cheap flat-pack desk. I sat on one of the comfortable chairs, absent mindedly awaiting the doctor’s verdict. I didn’t feel any pressure at the time, but now I look back, I realize that I might as well have been in court, waiting to hear whether the judge would give me the death sentence. I was a fool not to grasp the seriousness of the situation. I had gone to the doctor before because of a lump that had formed on my arm. I thought it was nothing, but Carrie made me go. I know now that I owe her my life. Today I was to get my test results back. That day, my life would change forever.

The doctor sighed and muttered to himself ‘’this is too hard’’. He looked me in the eye, with an honest, open stare. I should have known what that stare meant, what his eyes were telling me, but, of course, I was too wrapped up in other, much less important things. He sighed’ ’I’m sorry, but it’s not good news’’. I smiled at him lazily ‘’I’m sure I can handle whatever it is I’ve got’’. The poor man nearly choked saying ‘’no, not this time. I’m sorry’’ he looked at me pleadingly ‘’you have cancer’’

   And the penny dropped

                                                                                  DENIAL

I looked at the man, waiting for him to jump up and cry ‘’fooled you!’’ needless to say he didn’t. the young doctor plucked up his courage and tried to speak ‘’now, I know this is hard, but cancer is treatable now, and there’s-‘’ he didn’t get any further before I cut him off ‘’no’’. He looked at me stunned ‘’what? But you need to know your options’’. I grinned at him madly ‘’no’’ I calmly said again ‘’ I don’t need to know about options, or risks’’. I laughed slightly ‘’I’m not sick, look at me, I’m fine. I only came because I was forced. I’m tellin’ you doc. I feel great’’!

 He just looked at me and sighed ‘’I’m sorry. The lump on your arm is a tumour, and its malignant’’. I started to get up, but I was quickly sat back down ‘’ look, there are all kinds of treatments these days, and there are more cancer survivors than ever now!’’ Foolishly, I got back up ‘’seriously doc’’ I said ‘’I’m fine. Don’t you think I’d know if I had cancer? I’m sorry doc, but the only thing I’m suffering of is a severe case of misdiagnosis. I’ll tell you what; I’ll come back next week after you’ve run the tests again. Ok’’?

And with that I quickly departed the doctor’s office, laughing quietly to myself at the mere thought of me having cancer. There must have been some sort of mistake, I thought, I’m too young to have cancer. I walked home and started to watch the television. As I lay, sprawled across the couch, I had what I thought was an excellent idea. I ransacked my apartment in search of my old library card. When I had finally found it, I made my way to the old library. It was years since I had been there and there was a surprise in store for me upon arrival. I climbed up the unfortunately only vaguely familiar steps of the old building until I reached a sign. I carefully examined the sign which read:

---------------Condemned------------                                                                                                                   This building is not safe to enter. The library has been temporarily moved to 21st street, pending the construction of a new building on these premises

There was more, but nothing of much interest, just contact information and things like that. Eventually I found the place. It was a large, square pre-fab of an overwhelmingly depressing grey. It seemed to say ‘’welcome happiness, to the place where you will meet your demise’’. I stepped inside to find myself in a square room, with many neat rows of books. The atmosphere was tense, which was amazing, considering the fact that I thought I was alone in the room. Through an open door, I could see the librarian’s desk. You’d think that they’d put the desk somewhere you could see the exit, but I guess they thought no-one would want to steal the books, and at the time I didn’t feel any different. I didn’t feel like searching for the best book, so I headed toward the librarian.

As I approached the elderly man I was pulled aside. I looked around to see a woman in front of me. She was slightly shorter than me, had hazel eyes, long dark brown hair with a low fringe, a button nose and a cheeky smile. She smiled at me, stifling a laugh ‘’well you really know how to gawk don’t you?’’ I hadn’t realized that I was staring, but boy did I have something to stare at! She was the most beautiful woman I’d ever seen. I blushed ‘’oh well, I’m sorry... Wait! I mean, what you think you’re doing grabbing some stranger like that?’’ I said trying to regain some dignity. She just laughed ‘’oh get over yourself; I was doing you a favour! You see him over there’’ she asked indicating to the librarian ‘’yeah, well he’s the librarian, Mr Parker, and as soon as he knows you’re here, he won’t let you away with anything’ ’I only managed to look at her quizzically. She responded by looking slightly apologetic ‘’he’s my dad, and he only trusts the regulars, all of which are older than the oldest of books in here. But  ...’’ She continued ‘’I could help you’’. I didn’t know how to reply, so I just scratched my head ‘’um, sure, yeah’’! She looked at me blankly and suddenly burst out laughing. ’’What!? ’’ I cried, slightly offended. She just kept laughing. Eventually she managed to stop long enough to say ‘’how am I supposed to find your book if I don’t know what book it is? I can’t read minds you know ‘’ she burst out laughing again. You can only imagine how embarrassed I was, almost definitely turning a deep red close to the colour of beetroot. ’Oh yeah’’ I said ‘’well, I don’t really know the name, or the book, but I need one that’s about cancer. ’I hesitated before saying cancer, as you might guess; it wasn’t my favourite word at the time. She looked at me for a short time, stunned, before slowly asking ’’why?’’. I explained that my doctor had ‘accused’ me of having cancer. When I said this, her eyes flashed, and she looked at me with an expression I couldn’t quite place.

I should have realized.

                ANGER

Soon she returned and handed me a glossy paperback book, while saying’ ’if you want info on cancer this the book for you’’. I laughed a little ‘’any idea where I should start with this?’’ she gave me another one of those looks that made me feel like she was examining my soul, but soon she was guiding me to a desk where we both sat. She opened the book, but didn’t let me see in. I suddenly noticed that she was looking at me very seriously. She looked at me and said ’’ I’m going to read you a list of symptoms, and if you have three or more it’s likely you have cancer’’ she paused for a while ‘’are you ready?’’

Of course I was ready to0 hear good news, so I pressed on. In the end I had five symptoms, making the reality sink in. slowly from somewhere deep inside me I felt a deep pool of anger welling up. Who was she to diagnose me? She didn’t know the slightest thing about cancer. I stood up and told her my mind, not so politely. I then proceeded to storm out, letting the shattered look on her face go unnoticed. I ran. I didn’t know where I was running but I ran. They were all wrong, but they couldn’t be. ’Why me?’ I thought to myself over and over again ‘why me, why me’. I eventually found myself in front of the doctor’s surgery. I entered and burst into the doctor’s office without hesitation. I found him sitting at his desk, surrounded by paperwork, and a startled expression on his face. I didn’t give him any reaction time; I didn’t think he deserved it. I shouted at him “why me? Why didn’t you do something to prevent this? What kind of doctor are you anyway?” I’m not sure how long a bellowed at him, while he just sat there taking it all. He didn’t try to talk; he didn’t look like he could. He was so close to tears. When I was finally finished and stormed out the sky was pitch black.

I know now that I shouldn’t have shouted at him. It wasn’t his fault, and he was doing all he could before I … interrupted him. He dealt with me brilliantly really, considering his age. The poor guy was clearly fresh out of medical school. He didn’t have the experience to deal with something like that. I was probably his first ever cancer patient, and instead of accepting the truth I blew up in his face. I then took a train to my old workplace, where I know my old boss would be working late. I entered the building, found him and gave him a rant too. I shouted at him for I don’t know how long, and why not? I though, what’s he ever done for me? I was stuck at a dead end job all because of him, so yes, I blew up in his face too. I know he didn’t deserve it either. That man treated me better than most … better than I deserved.

With no idea of who to blame next, except of course my parents, teachers, sixth grade bully, co-workers, friends (of which there were very few) and even my post man, I headed home. When I reached my apartment I went straight to bed, even though I hadn’t eaten all day, and lay there, hating. That night I hated everyone and everything. I didn’t matter if they deserved it.so I just lay in bed hating, hating and blaming. Not once that night did I take the blame myself for not going to the doctor as often as I should have. Not once did I think I single grateful thought, even towards Carrie, who booked the appointment and made me agree to go. That night I hated.

 Why didn’t I realize nobody was to blame?

                                 BARGAINING

The next morning i awoke, for the first time since long ago, without the pounding headache that comes with a hangover. I sat up to see a beautiful sunny day outside and for just a moment, I felt happy. That was rare for me. Quickly however, I remembered that life had just gained an expiry date and I had just wasted yet another night. I felt desperation, and knew I needed to do something, go somewhere… but where? A thought suddenly occurred to me, so I made a deal. I made a holy covenant with god, or the ceiling, whichever you prefer. If I could just right my wrongs, fix my trail of destruction, maybe, no, definitely I could survive this. I found myself hurrying out the door, but with no clue where to? My heart skipped a beat as I decided upon my destination. I’d go to the library, with that incredible, wonderful woman, and apologize. Surely, I thought, if only I were to right my wrongs I’d get a second chance. It was a risk, yes. It was also, however, a risk I was certainly willing to take.

Before I knew it I found myself in pre-fab library, and in no time at all, there was Mr Parker, refusing to let me in and hurt his precious daughter again. I was shocked that I had hurt her so much, but I was equally desperate to see her, if only for a second. Eventually I shouted past Mr Parker and along came the most wonderful person I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. She pushed past her father and greeted me. She was smiling excitedly, but I could see in her eyes that she was hurt, and vulnerable. I couldn’t understand why she had gotten so upset. I realize I was rude, but she seemed far too sad to make sense.

Soon, despite Mr Parker’s best attempts we were walking along central park. I explained that, crazy as it may sound, I believed that if I were to right my wrongs, I might just survive. When I said this to her she didn’t look surprized. In fact, it didn’t look like it was news to her at all, but she did give me another one of her soul searching stares. When I was satisfied that I had cleaned up that mess, I started to say my goodbyes. She simply smiled brightly and asked me her name. I simply was gobsmacked! I had no clue what her name was. ’’y-your name?’’ I stuttered slightly ’’I... don’t think I know it.’’ I stood, waiting for her to storm off indignantly but she didn’t. All she did was laugh and say ’’then I guess you don’t know me after all.’’ For a moment I was bewildered, but I quickly realized where this was going and said ‘’well, if I’m that rude I guess I haven’t righted the wrongs I’ve done you. I guess I’ll simply have to spend more time with you and get to know you properly.’’ she grinned as she said ’’I was hoping you were going to say that.’’

We continued to walk along the park, and then the streets of New York, learning every little detail about each other that we thought was worth knowing, and even many things that really weren’t. We talked for hours happily, getting to know each other, and as I got to know her, I grew fonder and fonder of her. As it turned out her name was lily, and she was the most interesting and quirky character I had ever met. She loved to read, and write. She couldn’t cook for her life but she was great with animals. Her taste in music was eclectic to say the least and she didn’t believe in following the stereotypes other girls cling to. I was her complete opposite. I couldn’t see the point of reading, and the same went for writing. I could cook well but nearly every animal I had ever met had bitten me. I just liked what was in the charts when it comes to music and when it comes to stereotypes, I guess the fact the I had never even thought about whether I fit one showed how aware I was. She had the best sense of humour I’ve ever known, and we laughed all afternoon.

As we walked along I told her I had to go to the doctor’s office, to apologize. She nodded and I really didn’t need to explain that I had given my doctor the same treatment I had given her. We arrived at the surgery and when I was allowed in I apologized to the poor man and went through my treatment plan, as Lily waited outside. When I came out she was still waiting patiently. I grinned as I told her about a decision I had made. I had only known her for e very short time, yet she was already my best friend, so I decided she would be with me the whole way through cancer, if she was willing. She agreed and over the next few months she came with me as I righted all the wrongs I could think of. She was also present when I told everyone about my cancer, even my parents. As a matter of fact her presence just became a part of my life. Most nights she lept in my bedwhile I happily slept on the couch. Everything was going brilliantly, except for one thing. I didn’t magically get better by being nice to people. The god of ceilings clearly wasn’t keeping up his end of the deal!

                And then the depression hit

                                                                     DEPRESSION

After a while I started to realize that my deal wasn’t working, and feared I would soon run out o0f time. Most days I wouldn’t go out at all. Lily had now nasically moved in with me. Still though, she didn’t give up on me. She did her best to make me happy, and did all the shopping and other chores most of the time. Still, every now and again she would give me one of her stares, only now, I had started to stare back. Behind all her joy and beauty I saw a deep sadness, which I just wrote off as being about me.

                                I should have looked deeper.

                                I shouldn’t have been so ignorant.

          ACCEPTANCE

After a while I felt peaceful. I wasn’t happy to have cancer, but I could accept it. Also, I was doing more than ever with lily, and had stopped letting her mollycoddle me because as I told her she didn’t need to run around after me. Lily though, she seemed to be tiring quicker these days. I just assumed that was because of everything she was still doing for me. I carried on with my treatment and eventually the day came. This was the day of the test results. I had gone through treatment and I was to find out if it was in vain. Lily said she thought I would want to be alone when I get the news, but I insisted she came. There was a chance I had beaten cancer, however slim it may be. We agreed to meet at the doctor’s office before the appointment. When she didn’t show up on time I had to go in on my own. I sat in the office and waited for my results. At 2:27 pm I was told I had been cured. At 2:27 I thought it was the happiest day of my life.

                                                                IGNORANCE

Here’s what I didn’t know.

That very day Lily had visited her solicitors, which Is why we decided to meet at the doctor’s office rather than go together. I had no clue where she was, or why. She was running late as she rode to meet me. She was in such a rush that she didn’t notice the change of lights on 32nd and 48th street at 3:27 pm. She was in such a rush to see me because I was so selfish in insisting she came that she also didn’t look for oncoming traffic. At 3:27 pm that day a truck hit her from the side. She was launched into the air. By the time she landed, she was dead. At 3:27 pm my best friend, the most important piece of my universe died, all because of me. I was devastated and never left the house. I blamed myself and hated the world. I saw no point in living anymore. A few weeks later I was sent a letter. It read

‘’to be read upon the death of Lily K. Parker.

Dearest Michael,

There is so much that you don’t know about me, but with the help of this letter you might understand a little more. I’m going to have to start from the start her, so bear with me. On the 4th of august, two years before we first met I was diagnosed with cancer. I won’t waste time with details, as they aren’t of any real importance, and if you really want them Parker, my father, is under strict instructions to tell you everything you need to know. I knew I was going to die. I don’t know who I could be sure but I knew that from the start. I accepted it though, because I had nothing to live for. My life was like a candle without a wick, so I didn’t really mind. As I saw it I was just going to waste away in the library anyway. Ive never had any real life ambitions, like I always knew that I’d have a youthful end. That’s when you found me, in that pre-fab library, when I was alone. You I may have given you the book, but you gave me much more. I was startled when you asked for a book on cancer, and the book I gave you was the pone I was reading when you came in. joyful reading, I know. When you stormed off I was hurt deeply. I saw something in you and was afraid that I had misplaced my trust. I didn’t though. I’m sure you’ve noticed the way I look at you, a way ive never looked at anyone else. I know you Michael. I know your every little detail. I knew you were special from the start, but you’d just need a little… encouragement. I made it my mission to get you through, not just to get you through the cancer but to make you what you are on the inside. Everything was perfect, until you started to recover. I was delighted, but I was also getting worse by the day, which is why I was so tired myself. My whole life I’ve never been afraid of anything, but I’m absolutely terrified of telling you how I feel about you Michael. I’m dead now though so I suppose no harm can be done, so here goes…when I look into your eyes I’m wondering if you feel how I do. If you feel like you’re falling down a great chasm, and that you should be absolutely terrified, but you’re not. You only want to fall faster. When I look into your eyes I get a rush of emotions I don’t even fully understand. I love you Michael, and have since the second I saw you. You make me want to sing, dance, shout, and cry and do everything I never do. You make me want to live, something I had given up on before I found you. So thank you, for making me live more in a few months than most people do in a lifetime. Because I love you so deeply and so eternally I have two things to say which you need to listen to. First of all never feel you are not good enough. You may not be perfect, but you’re perfect for someone, like you were perfect for me. Don’t try to do everything right, be yourself. Find someone who is your opposite, not because of the proverb opposites attract but because you have a small chance of what we had. I was quiet and never lived and you lived so extremely that it wasn’t living at all, you just didn’t care. When we were together though you gave me adventure and I gave showed you the value of that adventure. If you find the right person, you won’t be the exact same, instead you’ll complete each other. If you find someone who you complete and who completes you, then you will be happy forever. Secondly, have you ever heard of the five steps of grief? Well, if not they are denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. They are what I’ve guided you through I believe there’s another stage though, that I can’t ever help you with: Ignorance. Don’t fall back into ignorance Michael. Be grateful for what you have, and never underestimate it, or fate might take it away. Appreciate what you do have or you’ll never have anything, not really. That’s all my advice, so I guess it’s time for my final goodbye. I will love you forever, alive or dead. You are my one and only, but you can find another. I love you more than words can say and I hope this letter helped. So goodbye Michael and I wish you all the best.

Your Lily’’

That letter changed my life, and stopped me from ruining it. That day I lost my first true love. I will always love her, but I have moved on and found another. I’ve taken control of my life and now have a successful career and family. I’m going to leave you with the same advice that Lily left me with. Love, love more than anything and love someone who deserves it, even if they seem like they don’t. Live, don’t waste your life away. Above all else though, don’t fall back into ignorance, the first and final step of grief, unless you’re wise to it. Learn the value of what you have, and not the price, and I guarantee you will be happy. This story is all a warning, a warning about the secret step in grief ignorance.

                                                                                    ~-~

thank you guys for reading this, my first story EVER.  thank you for reading, however few of you there are. I am so greateful for any reads and please comment but dont hate...  

thank you guys so much

~Potter XD