HABAEK POV:

I hadn't died, I hadn't yet reached the end of my life to know what lay beyond it. Whether heaven or hell existed, whether an afterlife existed for us- when it seemed like our life was eternal and endless and damned. But I learn in the past few days that this is what hell felt like. This is what writers and preachers and holy figures meant when they warned of an eternal blaze consuming you, burning you, searing your flesh- that to be eternally engulfed in it, tortured and tormented by it.

Because ever since the Ocean had allowed us to see the boys' boat sail back, Her waters safely guiding them back to sure- where their crushed grieving figures unwillingly departed, left the boat with shattered haunted expressions, since then there had been no sight of (Y/N)- the Ocean's voice ringing in our ears, the five of us shivering and drenched and unwilling to leave the beach in her wait, for (Y/N) to wash ashore. But she didn't turn up, she didn't turn up as the day turned to night and the clothes became second skins on our chilled bodies, she didn't turn up even as Won-Bin hyung sighed, gently drawing us up to drive me and Mi-sun back.

And time passed. Seconds turning to minutes turning to hours. Hours stretched into days, the sun rose and set, the night came and went and she didn't appear.

Three days.

Three days of no sight of her, no sound of her, the house a skeleton- an empty, deserted desolate place all of a sudden. Three days of getting a hint, a taste of what hell is. Of what awaits my damned soul after I die, an eternity of this anguish, this pain, this inferno that consumes me from the inside out.

And three long, infinite days later do we both feel a tug, a tug towards another beach, a rocky beach- not an urgent calling but a call, nonetheless. Three days since we'd gotten the boys' messages and reassured them that (Y/N) had made it back home, that she was stunned and shocked but home.

I couldn't get their relieved cries out of my head, their sobs of joy and then their urgent voices begging, beseeching to see her.

Always the same response.

When she's better.

When she feels upto it.

And the silence that had descended like an ominous layer on our house, on us shattered as we rushed to follow that tug, voices tearing out of our throats because the sight of her sprawled across the rocky terrain, unmoving, still and drenched, skin tinged blue had my heart in my mouth, feeling sick and desperate and frantic as I tripped and stumbled over the rocks to get to her, crying out her name and holding her close.

It hadn't felt like hell, but it had felt like I was dying, air leaving my body and heart beat thudding too fast, as if it was about to give up on me as I turned her over, saw her shut eyes and pale face, slightly gaunt and scraped with the force she'd been flung onto the rocks with, found myself begging with every bit of me for her to open her eyes, beseeching the Ocean that it couldn't end like this, that she couldn't do this to her, to us.

And a blessed miracle when her eyes slowly dragged open, focusing on me and yet almost as if she couldn't see me, and she's uncooperative, horrifyingly lifeless and still as we take her to the car, legs failing her.

The only sound she makes is when we get inside the house, asking, no pleading to be taken to the bathroom. My heart shatters as I draw her to my chest, feel the weakness, the loss of strength in her as we take her upstairs, soul screaming to stay once she's on the edge of the bathtub.

And the two of us sit with our hands tightly gripping each other's, laced together and squeezing and hearts shattering as her sobs and cries came out over the loud battering pour of the water, her grief unable to be silenced.

And I knew with every sob, every cry that tore me apart bit by bit that whatever hell we'd been through these past few days was nothing compared to what had happened to her.

And I knew that I didn't have the strength, the courage to hear her and still come out in one piece.

Not when her tears alone had me dissolving and shattering into a million pieces.

----

Her face is pinched as she sleeps, the circles and shadows under her eyes large bruises, the way she seems to have withered away in these three days alone has me unable to move away from her side. She seems lost and fragile under the heavy blankets and duvets she'd asked for in a hoarse voice, drawing on the largest jumper of mine I could find for her, swallowed up by the layers, face peeking out from the top. Her face was flushed, all of her was- turned pink and raw from scrubbing viciously at her skin, the cuts and bruises on her body from being thrown onto the rocks stirred up nausea in me as I'd applied ointment to each and every one of them before she'd dressed, sitting still and voice cracking as she'd confessed what had happened, what the Ocean done, what the cost of her sacrifice was.

And even know as I lay beside her, my tears silently trickled into the pillow, soaking into it as I silently shook, trying to suppress the sound of my grief.

And beside her on the other end Mi-sun was no better, endless tears coursing down as we held her, as we remained close.

Thirty years.

Thirty years the Ocean had given the most tender soul, had punished her with. Why? Because she had dared to shine, to dream and to smile. Because in her final years of service she had taken our nudging, our encouragement and our pushing and gone to pursue her happiness, to pursue something she wanted.

And my head spins as I think of all the times I told her not to hold back from pursuing what she wanted, how much I'd supported her every step closer she took to them.

And this is where it had brought her.

This is the cost she had to pay for it.

I couldn't help but hate the Ocean more, despise Her with every ounce of my being, every fibre of my existence, disgusted and revolted that She would be so merciless, so cruel.

That to test (Y/N) in the first place pushed her into such a corner that she'd screamed she'd do anything, her words horrifically manipulated like this, twisted in such disregard, in such an exploitative way that she was now trapped.

And as someone who'd been beside her for centuries, someone who had seen (Y/N) grow, come into her own, be confident, build herself up after breaking, after shattering to look so defeated, so consumed with grief and pain and unable to find a way- made me feel as if I'd failed to protect her, made me wish that I had managed to snap myself out of Her command and had taken the punishment with her. Felt as if I would die if I saw (Y/N) suffer, saw her pain and had to say goodbye when our service ended and hers continued.

"Mi-sun I can't live without her. I can't go on being mortal and know that she remains behind, that she's doomed to suffer more. She'll die. She'll die a thousand more deaths before the Ocean lets her go." I whisper sobbing and clutching at her hand over the blankets, trying to feel closeness, trying to feel that I wasn't alone in this overwhelming confusing feeling of falling apart.

Her hand squeezes mine.

"Neither can I. If she hadn't been with us as a siren, if she hadn't been by our sides, then I would've lost the will to exist, to keep going, to keep smiling. The Ocean can't do that to us..." she says, voice shaky and thick with emotions.

And yet as our hands remain tightly holding each other, as if it'll somehow keep the three of us together, as if somehow if our hands are on (Y/N), she won't slip away from sight.

MI-SUN POV:

When the day dawns, spent drifting in and out of fitful sleep, startling awake, eyes wide, heart racing and desperately turning to see if (Y/N) remains, if she's still there. And when I awaken with a cry, feeling flushed and plagued with the sight of (Y/N) who lies lifeless on the rocky beach and doesn't stir no matter how much I shake her, cry for her, it's to turn to see her already lying awake, eyes unstaring and unblinking as she looks up towards Habaek's bedroom ceiling. Tears steadily trickle down the side of her face as she cries, silently shaking and shivering under the covers.

She lets out a shuddered gasp of relief when I hover over her, wiping her tears away and leaning our foreheads together, both of us seeking consolation through the warmth of each other before I peer at her. Habaek who'd been wide awake when I'd last bolted awake jerks awake, eyes wide with alarm as he turns towards her, immediately assesses the situation and peels back the blankets to draw her sweating, overheated frame into his lap, drawing a light blanket over her at the worrying shivers, at the internalised chill that seems to have sunk in.

She clings to him, sobbing into the crook of his shoulder and unable to let go even as the tears eventually quieten and her shaking stops, glued to him and eyes wide and filled with pain when he tries to urge her to lie down, shaking her head furiously.

"I don't want to be alone. Please don't leave me." she whispers, voice rough as if she'd been screaming.

Maybe she had. Maybe she'd begged and pleaded to the Ocean just as she had in front of us, maybe her voice was frail and exhausted and tired from begging for mercy, for kindness from an entity that was ruthless in its existence. I bitterly wondered how much the Ocean had hurt her, had made her grovel for a mercy that would never be given, wondered how much She relished in it- and wished with my entire existence, with every moment that I had breathed that I could return the pain a thousand-fold.

"We'll never leave you. Not until life rips us away." I whisper, letting her know that never through choice would we part from her, leave by her side.

Until the Ocean tore us apart, until She ruined us more than She ever had. When She took us away from each other.

"Unnie we only had half a year, only half a year. And now...now I'll live another lifetime as a siren. I'll live another lifetime to take countless others away. I won't be able to live. I won't have reason to once the two of you are gone." She sobs, fingers desperately clutching at my hand, breathing get quicker and heavier, pupils dilating and losing focus; pushed into a frame of mind that was dangerous, consuming and took over her senses.

I could only try to soothe her, try to calm her down, to draw her breathing down to match mine when it became irregular- mentally weeping with her but forcing myself to try and remain calm for her sake.

"Cherub please. Please..." Habaek keeps muttering, begging for a reason. For something that any of us know. But begging and pleading, nonetheless.

For her to breathe, to calm down. For her to not say that. Not suggest that the moment the Ocean tore us apart that she would fade from sight, from existence.

It made me fear what would happen. Who would be there after every service, who would be there to hold her as she clawed at herself, tried to scrub herself clean? Who would be there as she obsessively recollected and researched every life lost and tried to atone for them? Who would hold her when she woke up screaming, lungs raw and filled with salty water and mind still trapped in memories?

"The boys will hate me, resent me. Do they know..." she says, hiccupping and peering at me with red glassy eyes, pulled out of her grief by her concern, her palpable hysteria pushed aside momentarily because even now, even with all that's happened she still cares for them, she still values their opinion.

And I begin to hate myself, for pushing her to be selfish, if I had known this would've happened I would've never told her to pursue her desires- would've urged her to find them after our service was over.

But seeing her happy and hopeful and nervous and shy because of men who'd made her heart flutter had been a sight I hadn't seen in decades.

And I'd rejoiced at the sight and pushed her to be greedy for once, to want and for her to know it was fine to live for yourself.

I smile softly at her, finding my vision blur as I look at her.

"We told them you got home safely that same day. And that when you felt upto it, you'd meet them. They've been texting us non-stop, calling, asking for you. For even a glimpse- but of course we couldn't..." I say, trying to reassure her.

Seeing her face crumple with relief, nodding almost to herself.

"Tell them they can come. But not now...not when I'm..." she says, trailing off- because no word exists in this moment to say what she feels, no word can be created to sum up her devastation.

And when she cries herself to exhaustion, going limp in Habaek's arms, I find minor solace that at least she's resting, that moment shattered when she wakes up hours late screaming herself hoarse.

Begging to be let go.

Begging for the Ocean to let them go.

And begging for us to stay, to be with her.

----

It's on the third day after she's come back that after she swallows the last spoon of porridge, unable to have the physical strength to walk down the stairs- which had made Habaek promptly scoop her close and ask if she wanted to remain in bed or spend the day in the living room.

Her voice had been rough but certain as she'd said living room, felt shut away from the world when she was upstairs and felt that she needed something new to stare at, a different ceiling to look upto as she spent the days unable to move and trying to accept and deal with the trauma the Ocean had put her through.

That as I'd been standing up to take the tray, frowning at the untouched waffles and fruits and glass of juice- she'd pushed them away tiredly, her hand had reached out to grip my wrist, drawing me back to her.

"What is it darling?" I ask looking at her, frowning at the contrasting permanent flush on her cheeks and the clamminess to her skin, and the way she kept shivering.

But her temperature came back normal, it was as if there was a chill within her that wasn't physically able to be detected, as if the Ocean had seeped into (Y/N) and resided there.

"Can you call the boys over? I don't want...I don't want them to spend any time in needless guilt." She asks, looking at me with wide imploring eyes.

Silently beseeching.

As if I'd ever be able to say no to her, even if it tore my heart to see her like this.

"Are you sure...you're still not well." Habaek says, not voicing what we're both thinking.

That she's returned from Death's door back to us and that her body bore proof of that.

Bruises and scratches an angry vibrant mixture of red and purples on her face, her arms, her legs, her entire body battered.

She nods, looking more determined, more alive in that moment than she had been the entire three days.

The mention of them enough, the prospect of meeting them, seeing them was enough to have life slowly stirring inside.

And that thought brought me hope.

That maybe she could heal with them, that their presences could bring life back into her.

"I want to. I don't want them suffering. Don't want them hurting." She says, dragging herself upright on shaking arms.

I sigh with resignation at her steely determination, at the way fire flickers in her eyes.

"Fine." I concede.

"But you're not moving at all from here. No exerting." I fuss, brushing a hand over her hair.

She nods and then grimaces.

"I feel gross. Oppa can you take me upstairs?" she asks, hands reaching out trustingly for him, he melts resigned as he nods, drawing her close- cradling her as if he'll never tire of having her close, needing to feel her close, to touch her every moment.

Like me, he too didn't ever want to remember how much our lives had become a nightmare without her, without any knowledge of her.

And when I text Jimin, I see the little dots indicating his reply appear immediately, a short text.

Two words.

And yet they hold the entire world in them.

They have the weight of all of their relief and gratitude in it.

Thank you.

And I really really hoped that I would be indebted and welcome.

Because my entire hope, my entire world rested on them. That they'd be able to help her.

Because when she spoke of them, I saw the tiniest seed of life flicker in her, saw some of her show in the lifeless figure she'd become.

(THERE YOU GO! AN INSIGHT INTO HOW BABY SIREN IS DOING AS SHE FINALLY COMES HOME. I'M NOT GONNA LIE- THIS WAS SUCH AN EMOTION HEAVY CHAPTER THAT I STOPPED TO WIPE MY EYES, I GOT EMOTIONAL TOO! SO!! I HOPE YOU ALL FIND THE EMOTIONS IN THIS CHAPTER TOO, THAT YOU DON'T KILL ME- COS LOOK BABY SIREN IS FEELING SOMETHING OTHER THAN GRIEF AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE BOYS! AND LET'S SEE WHAT THE NEXT CHAPTER BRINGS!! LET ME KNOW ALL YOUR ANGSTY THOUGHTS BUT I WILL SAY THIS- SHE WILL HEAL WITH THE BOYS; THEIR BOND WON'T GO SO DON'T WORRY ABOUT THAT! TAKE CARE, ENJOY AND STAY SAFE!! CAN'T WAIT TO WRITE THE BOYS' EMOTIONS TO SEEING HER! MY DARLING MIDI- DON'T KILL ME! I'M SORRY!)

QUESTION...A RANDOM THOUGHT OR WORRY YOU WANT TO UNLOAD?

Mine is...I'm worried about whether I'll go back to uni in 2021- I really want to, I've been at home for nine months and I miss learning, miss uni, the regularity of it. A random thought...I'm such a procrastinator that it should probably be a diagnosed thing for me now.

Borahae! 💜💜💜

PurpleQueenie <3