"It's all messy-

The bed, the hair,
the words, the heart."

- Anonymous

-------●●°●●------

Kylie

There is one type of introvert who loves to talk but can't find a listener, Lily can be easily put in that category. All most every person in our class who knows maybe the entire school has fall victim to her overly sweet personality at least once or twice.
Now when she is sitting next to me blabbering nonsense I can understand why everyone avoids her during free time like a plague despite loving her.

"Can't I just punch her in the face and shut her?" Rachel whispered to me lowly shooting daggers at Lily who was sitting opposite us.

I sighed flipping the page of my book. Only if she knew how much I want to do the same. But, it's not just anyone it's Lily. It's just.. you know the type of people you can never be mad at Lily is that type. All flowers and sunshine.

"Let's pray that the bell rings soon," I muttered lowly only enough audible for Rachel, I put a bookmark in my book because there is no way I would be able to read right now. You can't read fiction without paying full attention. It's only then that you can drink in the words, live along with the soul existing in there and drown yourself in a world you wish you were a part of.

Rachel jabbed me in the side bringing me back to reality. "Hmm." I try my poor attempt to play along even though I don't know whatever the fuck they are talking about.
Not that it puts a fraction in Lily's enthusiasm, she repeats the question "Where do you want to see yourself in the future?"

As a successful writer and a painter.

"I don't know. But, I better be crazy rich." I reply to her leaning on my chair. You should never tell people about your goals, all they ever will do is mock you.
Rachel snorts at her water hearing my reply. I wasn't being sarcastic. "What, don't tell me you don't want to be rich," I ask her rising my brows.

Rachel chuckles humorously, wiping her mouth with a napkin. " Everyone does but you are bold enough to admit it."

"I want to be a chef, " Lily adds in her dreamy voice. At least someone has a normal aim. "That's nice," Rachel says to her cushioning her hand to put her head in there.

"I want to start my cafe one day."

"It better be in our town. I am gonna be a regular in there if the cappuccino is good." I tell her playfully while the grin on my face mirrors the one on her face. If she has a cafe I am sure it will be warm and down to earth like her. A perfect place to sit with some paper, quills and a cup of coffee on the side.

I look at the book in my hand pitifully mourning over our short-lived acquaintance. Do you know what pure tragedy is? When you have to return a book without finishing it, without knowing the ending of nonexistent people you have ended up falling in love with. I know I can skip a few pages and just read the last page, but that would feel like betrayal.
Then, there would be another kind of pain knowing it ended, maybe even disappointment because it didn't end the way I wanted it to.

I hugged it to my chest sighing. Maybe I will just imagine the ending. Giving it back in the library I was passing the open ground which separated building C from building A.

That's when I was greeted with the most unusual scene I expected to encounter. A bunch of idiots were surrounding a boy while several audience surrounded them.

I don't know why I stood there, I wanted to move on like I always did. It's like my feet were glued to the spot. It's nothing unusual in high school - bullying. I raised my head again to look at that boy.

It's Ali. It can't be right?

I blinked this time it was Ali in there, and the next I blinked it was the boy again. It's like the same scene all over again. In our junior year when Ali got in trouble, they said it was a part of their tradition. I remember I screamed that day for someone to help him, begged them to spare him. Just like another kid beside him is screaming.

But, no one came forward at least not for me that day.

I glanced at the soda can near my feet and then back at the boy who continuously kicked the boy in his stomach. Stepping a few inches back, I kicked the can with enough strength and it landed right in his back. Kai would be proud of me.

I smirked hearing a low groaning coming from him. He turned around possibly to search for the source of it, and so did all of his loyal servants. The middle one who I assume is the leader in there stepped right in front of him. He has blonde hair, and pricing blue eyes. God took his sweet time crafting his visage but forgot to put some humanity inside him. What a pity!

"What do you think that you are doing?" he growls at me almost making me flinch, almost. It might work on others but, not on me because all I felt towards him is pure venom.

"Throwing trash at a trash cane," I reply to him calmly standing my ground. From the corner of my eyes, I see the crowd surrounding us roar in laughter, while the boy was still rolling on the ground. It was at that moment that I realised that the tiny tiny bit of fear that I was fearing before has evaporated.

He clenched his jaw stepping right in front of me. But, I stood my ground folding my hands. If he tries to take one step ahead he better be prepared to get kicked where it hurts.

"Marcus, move the fuck away from her!" Kai's voice bombered over the loud chatter of the crowd. He pushed me behind him his thematic physic matching that of the blonde-haired boy. It seems like both of them knows each other from before. I tried to peek from behind him but he was so damn taller than him.

"Stay away from her," Kai warned him, while he scoffed at that. "Then tell that bitch to stay out of my business." with that being said he left from there along with his pairs. Coward! He left because he was outnumbered.

I went forward to help the boy who was beaten earlier and still lying there. But, Kai grabbed my hand stopping me, I looked at him squinting my eye. "Just let it be, Kaylie."

I scoffed at him freeing my hand from his grip harshly. "If you are here to put on a show then it's over. Let me go." he looked at me in disbelief but didn't stop me either. Sparing him one last glance I moved toward the boy, helping him to get up.

It wasn't much crowd in there any more kartsie to my brother and his friends. His friend who was trying to save him earlier took his weight on his shoulder helping him to get to the medbay. I wanted to scoff at the people who now rushed forward to help him. Don't they have shame on them? Earlier they were cheering for barbie ken, now they come to show their fake sympathy.

The nurse started treating his cuts, and bandaging where it is needed. My eyes travelled at all the kids who were standing outside guilty while he whimpered every time the nurse put anti-captive on him. Fear is such a traitorous thing, capable of keeping people captive of it for years. It's like standing between a pool one where you can either run to save yourself or save yourself by battling it.

I set on an empty bed opposite him.

"What's your name?" I ask him trying to ease the awkward atmosphere at the same time trying to look at the kid properly. Because for some god for sake reason the kid has found the white tile more fascinating than any other human in this room.

"Mathew."

"Ok, see you later." I get up to leave since he really can not raise his head from the ground. Either he has some neck problem or the tile is too fascinating to him.

"Umm, Kylie," he calls me awkwardly when I turned around. So, he can talk. "Thanks," he mumbles finally raising his head to look at me. I nod at him watching him carefully. He has brown eyes, with small frickles around his nose and a small mole under his lips. He kinda looks familiar.

"How do you know my name?" I ask him curiously because I don't remember my name being mentioned.

"We are in the same class."

Uh, that's why he looked so familiar. I think that I deserved to know that at first. Humans are so exhausting.

"then what are you? An alien?" he snickers trying to hide it at the back of his hand but failing miserably. Did I just say that out loud?

"Look who can joke." I roll my eye looking away. The idiot is laughing at me now making me regret helping him. What an ungrateful ass. "I should go."

"I am sorry for the trouble." he sobers up apologizing guilty.

"Nah, it's just a normal thing in my insanely cool life. Don't worry about it." I wave it shaking my hand in thin air, before going out of there. I don't know why I said that or how I am okay with it. But, it felt nice to help someone. Made me feel less like a bad person. After all good or bad everyone has a heart none is heartless. It's just that some people are known for their good deeds, some for their destruction.

🍁

I dipped my brush in the paint, watching it get smeared with the colour red. Then, I looked at the white canvas it's painted in blue, the darkest shade of it. I don't remember painting it blue.
But, I shrugged it off as a loophole of my absent mind. It felt like the old times when my sky was not painted grey. When I can move the brush like I wanted.

I kept the plate on my other hand caressing the brush softly against the smooth surface of the paper. It's like the vast sky has finally come in contact with the ocean. But, no colour showed on the paper. I frowned dipping the brush in the paint, this time I brushed it on the paper harshly. It just wouldn't get on the paper.

What is happening?

I took the brush in my hand touching its bristle with my fingers. I looked at my fingers which are now quoted in red. Then, why didn't it get in the paper? It came off in my hand. I tried to rub it in the paper but in vain. It was still blue.

"What happened, Kylie?" I looked to my right only to see Ali standing there.

"I can't paint," I mumbled taking notice of my surrounding, it's changing slowly. The blue sky is turning grey slowly. The only sound audible to my ear was the growl of the sea waves crashing on the coast.

" Maybe because whatever you are feeling right now has crossed the limit where you can't put it into colours anymore." isn't it funny how someone who couldn't find the answers to his questions knew all the answers to mine? How easily did he just figure it out? Maybe it's because figuring out ourselves is much harder than figuring out others. Or is it because we spend so much time to figure out someone else that we forget to figure out what's inside us first?

"Then, what do I do?" I ask him staring at my paper blankly, the colour has also transformed. It's not blue anymore, it has turned an ugly shade of green.

"Stop letting it take the whole of you. Stop it before it ruins." I look at him like I am looking at a maniac. Emotions don't run according to your will. If it was like a light bulb, then people would have switched it on when they are happy and switched it off when they want to stop feeling. It would have made things so much easier.

I shivered hugging myself as cold water swiped from the ocean hitting my bare skin with each force I felt like hundreds of needles were pricking my skin. I stepped away from there hoping to save myself but they only came with much more force growling like a vicious animal, like it wanted to rip my skin off. I gasped feeling like my heart would explode anytime soon from suffocation. I am drowning.

It started to flood all over the water shallowing the surface hungrily. "Ali!" I called out for him screaming in my shrill voice. "Run," I yell at him looking at him frantically. Why isn't he running? They will get him. I reached out for him so that I can drag him along with him. But, it just slipped through my hand, like he was made out of... nothing. It all turned into mist.

I stared at him dumbly, watching as the hands that creeped out of the water shawled him slowly. The corners of his lips tilt upward in a smile, one void of any warmth filled with only coldness. "I am sorry." that's what he mouthed to me before despairing in the hungry sea.

Now, it is my turn. I ran, ran as fast as I can. But, so did the monster behind me. It was dark all over, covered in fog. I fell face flat tangling my feet in there. I looked behind my back terrified of what is coming. I don't want to die in here. It was at that moment I knew I want to survive. I had to.

Ignoring the ache in my knee I crippled. But, who was I kidding it got me like it was supposed to. It's so much stronger than me.

It's like I am running in a maze and it fooled me cornering me from all sides. It has me trapped.

I screamed as the hands creeped from beneath trying to pull me down. I thrashed to get out as they tore my skin. I felt like I was being choked. The pain that I felt was otherworldly. Whatever it was felt like it was not from this world, but the source somewhere far beyond. I closed my eyes feeling my breath running out as I drowned in the sea of my miseries thinking it will end soon. But, it didn't.

As I fell deeper and deeper voices from all over echoed.

"You are always so disappointing" it was Dad just like always. I can only imagine him looking at me squinting his eyes.

"Why are you so weak?" Mom mumbled looking at me sadly. My lips quivered I wanted to tell her I want to get better but I couldn't. "You think you can ever be like me? Never!" Kai reached out for her way before I could and she disappeared with him. Only their accusing voices remained.

I saw Sensi in there shaking his head in disappointment.

I turned around hoping I could reach out to Ali at least. He will forgive me, right?
But, he also left accusing me in his broken voice, "Why didn't you save me?

I jolted up breathing heavily. It was just a nightmare. It felt so real. I pushed the straw hair falling on my forehead wiping off the thick layer of sweat on my face. It's not just my face I am bathing in my sweat. The scary dream might have dissolved but the voices remained. The voices that I can recognize from miles away felt like they belonged to a stranger.

I clutched my head hoping they would disappear. Can't they leave me, I just want them to disappear. I wanted to stop feeling so helpless. My shoulders shook as a loan tear escaped past my eyelashes. I shrank to myself bringing my knees to my chin. I am tired, tired of being enslaved by them, held captive without any hope of freedom.

It's like I am isolated on an island where the sun never rose with its brightness, where no flowers bloomed, no birds chipped. I want to get out of there so badly.

I rest my head on my headrest basking in the cold breeze coming through my open window, the curtains inviting the hallow light of the moon. I wiped off my tears, what's the meaning of shedding them when they bring me nothing but weakness? I want to escape it at least for one minute.

I lit the small lamp in my bedside taking out the diary from my locked drawer. I brushed my thumb on its cover caressing softly.

Getting the ticket to the insanely magnificent world many artists have belted over the years is truly a blessing. I would like to think of myself as one of those blessed ones. We humans have always been fond of escapism, we seek it through books, poetry, art, and song. Do you want to know a more beautiful escape? Itwhenhen you build it yourself, a world where it all runs according to your will.

I wish many years later when I won't be here anymore someone else will enter my world to seek comfort. They will know my beloved one in there through my writing and imagine its beauty through my painting.

If anyone has read this book so far thank you. I have only one question for you, do you think Kylie is strong or weak? Please, let me know.

I am also planning to change the name of this book soon. Any suggestions?

Updated on 17th July 2023.