"I don't see any entrances to this thing," Brandon said after they had walked all the way around the base of the tower. "Shouldn't there be a door somewhere? How does he get in and out of this thing?"

"Well, he does have magic," Fabian said with a shrug. "He probably casts some sort of spell that lets him in. Stupid wizards."

"You think there's some sort of magically hidden door that we just can't see?" Brandon asked.

"Either that or he just levitates himself up to that window up there," Fabian said. "It looks plenty big enough to fit through."

"You've got acrobatic skills," Brandon said. "I've seen them in action. You could climb up there."

"I could do that," Fabian agreed. "Easily, as a matter of fact. The problem is the wizard keeps leaning out the window and hurling fireballs at us. I'd be a sitting duck clinging to the side of the tower. There's nowhere to go to dodge, except to let go in which case I'd splatter on the ground, and between you and me, I'd rather not do that."

"Well, maybe we could distract him somehow," Brandon said.

"That's a great idea. Why don't you stand over there and start yelling insults at him. Hopefully he'll be too distracted by you to even notice I'm climbing up the tower underneath him."

"Okay. Uh, but what do I do when he starts throwing fireballs at me?"

"Get out of the way, of course. Didn't you ever play dodge the rock with your friends?"

"No, sir. Can't say I ever have."

"Jeez, Scrote. Did you even have any friends?"

"Well, there's my best friend Taran. He was more into building models than engaging in physical activity. He's probably wondering what happened to me too, just like my family. I sure do miss all of them."

"Yeah? Well if you ever want to see them again you'd better get real good at avoiding fireballs because there's about to be a bunch of them heading your way. And you don't want to get hit by one. You saw what happened to that dickwad Arrick. I mean, that was totally hilarious when it happened to him, but I sure wouldn't want that to happen to me. And as much as I find you an annoying little snot, I wouldn't want it to happen to you either. I hate to admit it, but you've grown on me a teeny tiny little bit. Now go get that wizard to try to kill you."

"Um, okay, sir. I don't really know what to say though."

Fabian sighed loudly. "Haven't you been paying attention to anything I've been trying to teach you this whole time? Remember all those sick burns I was laying on you and Mikey? You think I was doing that for fun? No, I was trying to impart wisdom on you. Now, you see that stupid wizard up there? He wants to kill you. Do you want him to kill you?"

"No, sir."

"I should hope not. But he's going to try his best to burn you into a pile of ashes. How does that make you feel?"

"Uh, kind of angry, sir."

"Good! Anger is your friend. You can use that. Now go stand over there and call that wizard's mother a whore."

"You got it, sir." Brandon walked a short distance away so that he could clearly see the window high up in the tower. "Excuse me?" he called out. "Mr. Delroy, sir?"

Nothing happened.

Brandon shrugged and looked at Fabian. "His name's Delroy, right?"

"Who cares what his name is?" Fabian said. "Just say what I told you. You know, about his mother being a whore."

"If you say so, sir." Brandon cleared his throat and called out louder. "Mr. Delroy, sir? I just wanted to say that your mother is a whore."

The wizard poked his head out the window and looked down. "You are quite correct, young man. My mother was the demon whore Kaal of the seven realms of hell. That's how I came by my mighty magical powers. It seems you've done your research on me. I'm very flattered."

"Uh, yes," Brandon said. "I did a lot of research. I'm a big fan of your work. But there's still so much I don't know. Please tell me more about yourself."

"Well, since you asked so nicely, I suppose I could enlighten you with a few obscure bits of trivia about myself. Let's see. Did you know I graduated top of my class from the Wizard's Academy in Velluthane? There's no finer school for magic around. Sure those classless idiots who attended Widdershin's School of the Arcane Arts would have you believe they received a superior magical education but to them I say go suck on a toad's bottom. Now what else can I enlighten you on?"

Fabian had already started to scale the tower. He motioned Brandon to get the wizard to keep talking.

"Um, well I'd love to hear more about your schooling days. What was your favorite subject?"

"Ah, well that would probably be a toss-up between Conjuring 101 and Advanced Transmutations. I majored in the latter in case you were wondering. That's where I first learned how to transform water into tar and I've been simply fascinated with it ever since. You see, not every wizard is capable of turning water into tar. Most are only able to make a kind of dirty, oily liquid. No, it takes true skill and passion to make a full-fledged transformation. Only the best and brightest, such as myself, are able to perform feats of that magnitude. Would you like me to give you a demonstration?"

"Would I?" Brandon said. "I sure would. That would be the bee's knees."

"Oh, how marvelous," Delroy clapped his hands. "Let me fetch a glass of water. And then I'd better have you come on up here in order to see it properly." He uttered an incantation and Brandon floated up into the air and through the window.

Fabian was about halfway up the tower by this point and sweating profusely. His fingers were aching from clinging to tiny cracks in the stone. "Did Scrote just get a magical lift into the tower?" he asked aloud. "Aw, man." He buckled down and continued climbing.

By the time he reached the top his arm muscles were screaming in pain. He'd scraped his knuckles bloody and managed to completely break off two of his fingernails. He peered through the window and saw the wizard Delroy and Brandon sitting in two big plush armchairs by a crackling fire sipping tea. The wizard was deep in the midst of a lengthy monologue and Brandon sat attentively munching on some cookies and sipping at his cup.

Fabian hoisted himself over the windowsill and let himself drop quietly into the room. He took a moment to catch his breath and survey his surroundings. There were a lot of shelves covered with scrolls and strange objects like crystals and animal bones. The walls were covered in numerous runes that had been carved into them. There was a life-sized statue of a mime in one corner, although Fabian couldn't fathom what the purpose of that could be. Most tantalizingly of all though, Fabian spotted a cage in the opposite corner. Inside a young blonde woman in a flowing pink dress lay on a small cot. She didn't seem to be moving much, but Fabian thought he could detect a faint rise and fall in her chest. Presumably she was sleeping. Fabian figured this was either the princess Wartha or the wizard just had a thing for keeping chicks in cages, which also seemed like a distinct possibility. The wizard did seem to have a bit of a perv vibe around him.

Delroy was so deeply engrossed in telling his story to Brandon that he still hadn't noticed Fabian's presence. He was in the middle of a lecture about the difference between freshwater and salt water and Brandon was nodding and injecting little comments like "Is that so?" on the rare occasions when the wizard paused to take a breath.

Fabian raised himself to a crouching position and tiptoed over to the cage, trying to hug the walls as much as possible. When he came near the mime statue it suddenly started flailing its arms frantically in an attempt to get the wizard's attention. Fortunately, being a mime, it was unable to make any noise and the wizard failed to notice what was going on.

Fabian reached the cage and studied the lock on the door. It had a glowing blue rune on it, which suggested it was magical in nature. "Of course," Fabian muttered under his breath. "Stupid wizards."

The girl in the cage sat up with a start. "Who are you?" she asked.

Fabian held up his index finger to his lips in an attempt to shush her.

"Listen mister, you need to tell me who you are right now or I shall scream."

"Would you keep your voice down, lady? I'm the legendary hero and adventurer Fabian and I'm here to rescue you."

"Oh, okay," the princess said and stared at him with a dull look in her eyes.

"Now if you'll give me a minute, I just need to pick this lock and then I'll have you out of there. It seems like there's some sort of magic involved here, but that's no big deal for a thief as skilled as me. Just another moment or so and the great Fabian will get this thing cracked." Fabian fumbled with the lock for several minutes with no results. In the background he could hear the wizard droning on about the viscosity of tar.

"You still don't have the lock open, mister," the princess said.

"You think I'm not aware of that?" Fabian said. "I told you, there's magic involved here. It's a little trickier than a normal lock. But have no fear, there's not a lock in existence that can defeat the legendary Fabian."

"Who's Fabian?" the princess asked.

"I am," Fabian said. "I just told you that. Weren't you paying attention?"

"Not really," the princess shrugged. "It's just you keep talking about some guy named Fabian and I thought that was kind of weird."

"He's not just some guy, he's a freaking legend," Fabian said.

"Well, I've never heard of him," the princess sniffed.

"Yeah? Well ignorance is nothing to be proud of, honey. If you knew squat about squat instead of living your privileged little princess life in your fancy castle you would know who a great hero like Fabian was. Now shut up. I'm trying to concentrate here." He continued to pick at the lock with no results. "All right now this thing's just pissing me off. When Fabian wants to pick a lock, that lock gets picked whether it wants to or not."

"Well then maybe you should get this Fabian guy in here to pick the lock," the princess said. "It sounds like he'd be much better at it than you, mister."

"I'm not sure if you're a little dumb or just self-absorbed, but I've already told you I'm Fabian."

"Right," the princess said. "Who's Fabian again?"

"Are you fucking with me, lady? Because I've got to tell you this really isn't the time or place. Now just hang tight and I'll get this lock open before you can say Fabian is a sex god."

"Why don't you just use the key?" the princess asked.

"Because I don't have the key obviously. Jeez, I'm beginning to think you really are a little slow."

"Oh, okay," the princess said as she sat and watched Fabian struggle with the lock for a few more minutes. "It just seems like it would be a lot easier to open if you used the key, that's all."

"Lady, I just told you I don't have the key."

"Oh, okay," she said. "But couldn't you get the key?"

"Do I look like I have the materials to manufacture a key?"

"No. But you could use the key that's hanging on the wall right behind you."

"What the-?" Fabian sputtered as he turned around and saw a glowing blue key hanging on a nail in the wall right next to him. "For the love of Balthazaar! Has that been there the whole time?"

"Yes," the princess said.

"Why didn't you say something?"

"You didn't ask. Plus it seemed like some guy named Fabian was going to come and save the day since you clearly weren't going to."

Fabian smacked himself in the face with his open palm. "Your daddy better be ready to pay out a big reward for you, princess." He grabbed the key off the wall and quickly unlocked the cage. Immediately an ear-piercing alarm sounded throughout the room.

The wizard Delroy vanished from his chair in a puff of smoke and materialized right in front of Fabian. "And just what do you think you're doing?"