The blinds are drawn because I need them to be. There are days the light is welcome, but not today. Today I need the darkness. I need them close and this is the best way I know to pull them in, here in the dark, in the empty spaces where they no longer exist and yet still take up every particle of air.

My life. My love. My family. James and Josh. My husband and son stolen from me while I was sleeping, peacefully unaware at that very moment that the entire world was shattering around me.

It's the small things that hurt the most. An unexpected letter with his name on it. A television commercial for Linvilla Orchards, where we picked peaches every July, just the two of us at first and then with Josh. His familiar scent trailing behind a stranger, its ghostly arms wrapping around my lungs and squeezing. The crisp sting of empty sheets as autumn turns to winter, and worst of all, the sudden ring of a child's laughter breaking the silence and tearing my heart into a thousand tiny pieces

I stroke the fur on Miss Molly's golden head and close my eyes. "I'm sorry," I whisper, even though dogs don't understand apologies. "It's this day, it's... "

I let the words trail off, unable to say out loud that five years ago my husband and son took their last breath trapped in a car wreck . Unable to say that while they lay dying, I was taking an afternoon nap in our bed, useless and selfish . It hadn't even woken me. I hadn't sat up, my instincts kicking into overdrive. I hadn't experienced so much as a bad dream.

At the time, friends told me I should try to forgive myself, that it wasn't my fault. They brought soup and sent messages. They held me and promised things would get better. They stood on my stoop and reminded me, "There's nothing you could have done."

Therapists call my depression and anxiety a form of post-traumatic stress disorder. Apparently, it's natural for parents who outlive their children to experience "survivor's guilt  although that's not the official term, but I have struggled to believe there is anything natural about it. Could there be anything more unnatural than for a mother to bury her son?

Then there were the people who told me to have faith. I have never been a religious person, but I have stood alone on a rainy afternoon and heard the hollow thump of dirt shoveled onto a tiny white casket. I've heard the mournful cry of a loon as people turned and made the sad walk back to their cars, not knowing what else to say. I have stood alone as day turned to night, staring at two holes in the ground and hoping my husband and son wouldn't be cold on the first night away from their beds, away from me. Having faith would mean James and Josh were taken for a reason, that there was some divinity to their absence, and there is not. There is only pain and empty spaces.

I get up from the couch and pull the curtains further across. No matter how dark I make the room, there are always slivers of light that keep me in the place I don't want to be. Slivers that never let me bury the one question I still have no answer for.

How do I ever find the strength to step into the light when they are forever lost in the dark?