Work was a refuge. Or, at least, I thought it would be.

I could feel all of their eyes on me as I opened the door to the office an hour earlier than was usual. I wasn't sure who was more surprised at my prompt arrival - them or me. It wasn't often I was late to work but it also wasn't common for me to get here an hour before my contracted start time.

Not that I was even meant to be in the office. I just can't stay in that flat any longer.

The night before had been endless. My out of contract phone and lack of internet connection had prevented me from doom scrolling through pages and pages of bad news stories. It didn't stop my mind from wandering. It didn't stop me from pulling out Mum's little box of secrets and spending hours trying to find clues among her treasures.

By four in the morning, my back was aching and my neck was stiff. The lack of answers kept tiredness at bay even if I wanted nothing more than to switch off and forget about everything for a few blissful hours.

It didn't take much longer for restlessness to set in. Despite the distinct lack of furniture and the open plan to my living space, it was like the nicotine stained walls had been pressing in from all sides until my chest was tight and I struggled to breathe.

Work was good. Work was safe.

Placing my bag on to my desk, I busied myself with the usual routine. Pull out the laptop. Turn it on. Take out my notepad. Check my phone for messages.

The entire time, their eyes watched me. I had expected the office to be quiet at this time. I had expected to have a few moments to settle my nerves before I was surrounded. No chance.

I should have known. I was never that lucky. Their stares burned into the top of my head as I stared resolutely at my screen, willing it to hurry through the start-up process in record time. It was like living in a glass fish bowl where every move was scrutinised.

They tried to do it covertly. Peering over the top of their screens, or taking quick glances over their shoulder, their attempts were far less subtle than they thought.  It was as if they were waiting for something to happen. I wasn't sure what. I had fallen apart once under unusual circumstances. I wouldn't lose my dignity by doing it again.

It had been the same ever since the event. I was grateful for their help but now they knew things about me that I didn't want them to know. For years, I had kept myself apart from them all. I had kept my home life separate intentionally because I didn't want this.

Now, they had all been dragged into my personal life and knew my secrets. Not all of them but too many for comfort.

It changed everything. Before, they had avoided me and I had avoided them unless it revolved around work.

Yet, the line had blurred and I wasn't sure I was ready for that change.

I kept my head down as I headed to the kitchen for a hot drink. Caffeine was the only thing that would get me through the day. Tiredness was already pulling at my limbs after an uncomfortable night on a camp bed.

I yawned, pressing a hand over my mouth. I needed a bed and soon. A proper bed. Another yawn escaped my lips before I continued to dunk the tea bag as if that would make it brew faster.

"Good morning, Rosie."

I blinked up at the sound of my name, drawing out of the mindless process of making tea. At the kind, albeit slightly tired, face staring across at me, I nodded my head.

"Morning," I replied quietly after a pause, removing the tea bag and quickly shuffling over to the bin.

"How's your mum?" Came Lindsey's soft enquiry as I retreated.

I stilled briefly before dumping the tea bag into the bin.

"Fine." I commented briefly, keeping my back to her for as long as possible.

There was a slow exasperated sigh at my back. I could picture the frustrated expression on her face. It wasn't the first time Lindsey had tried to talk to me since that day. It also wasn't the first time I had attempted to avoid her attempts to chat.

"I know it's not the same but my gran had dementia. I was only young but I still remember it now. The way she changed. The toll it took on my parents."

I ground my teeth together before intentionally unlocking my jaw. It most definitely wasn't the same. She hadn't lived through it day after day. She hadn't watched her mum disappear forever and I hoped she never would. It was a curse I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. It was slow agonising and soul crushing torture. At least, that's how it felt to me.

With no further excuses, I turned back to my co-worker. I blinked.

Lindsey regarded me with her arms folded across her chest. The expression on her face wasn't pity. It was something I didn't want to acknowledge. Not right now. But I could see the invitation there clear as day. Yet, even as a part of me wanted to finally have someone to share it all with – a friend – I just couldn't.

"I'm sorry to hear about your gran." I replied, placing the used spoon in the dishwasher.

Her eyes widened in surprise. As if she hadn't expected me to acknowledge her words at all. I swallowed and glanced away. How much of a cold hearted bitch did she think I was? Was that what they all thought?

The pang of loneliness reared its ugly head but I shoved it back down ruthlessly. Instead, I picked up my mug and started back to my desk.

"You don't have to do this, you know?"

I stalled.

"Do what?"

"You don't have to shut people out." Lindsey said softly. "Everyone needs someone to lean on. You don't have to do everything on your own."

My fingers flexed around the mug, the heat of the tea causing my hands to tingle uncomfortably. I glanced back and smiled, my heart aching even as I replied, "It's how I've always done things."

"Just because that is how it has always been done, doesn't mean that's how it should be." She said firmly, "Trust me on this. Cutting yourself off only hurts you in the long run."

"We'll see about that." I muttered before offering a wave. "I need to get back to my desk. I have things to do."

"We'll talk soon, Rosie."

My back stiffened as I strode away at a slower pace than I would have liked. I wouldn't let her see me running. I had already shown them my vulnerabilities before. Never again.

**

"Hello, Sunshine."

The fog of tiredness had so thoroughly taken over that my jump was a little delayed. It took a moment longer to register the words were directed at me. Richie cleared a space on my desk, pushing my files so that they teetered on the very edge, and took a seat in front of me. I craned my neck upwards, my neck aching at the awkward angle, as his very presence demanded all of my attention.

His smile as our eyes locked was warm, causing small lines to form around his eyes. After my self-imposed isolation, it was like basking in the sun.

Being this close was too close. It was almost intimate, with the way he was towering over me. At least, that's how it felt to me. That was just desperation talking. The part deep within me that wanted to be held and comforted. The spicy scent of Richie's body spray was almost soothing. When was the last time I had dated?

Too bloody long.

Richie's body created a barrier between us and the rest of the office so that it was just the two of us. It was a welcome reprieve to no longer feel their eyes on me. And yet, I knew they were watching us all the same.

I leaned back in my seat even as a very small part of me wanted to lean closer.

"You've been quiet today." He commented after a moment.

"Is that meant to me a joke?" I asked, brows raised as I scooted back chair backwards. I was never one to partake in office gossip. I always kept my head down.

My arms folded across my chest as I stared up at him.

"No joke. Normally you sing when you're doing reports."

I blinked up at him. My mouth opened but I promptly closed it.

"I don't think you even realise you do it." He continued, picking up my pen and twirling it between his fingers. "It's nice though. You have a beautiful voice. At least from what I can tell. You always stop when you realise other people are around."

"You've been watching me."

Richie hand rub nervously at the back of his neck. A slight blush forming on his cheeks. Despite his antics, Richie was close to me in age. Yet, taking in his suddenly bashful nature, I wouldn't have guessed it. It was a small victory to see him caught off guard. He always appeared so sure of himself.

"Well. I-. That is to say -." He started before letting out a chuckle. "God, I'm being an idiot. I've worked with you for years, Rose. You're an enigma that has puzzled me for as long as I've known you. I may have picked up a few things about you during that time."

"I'm really not that interesting."

"I don't know." Richie commented, his fingers absently drumming on the top of my desk as he peered down at me. "I think there a lot more to you than what you let the world see."

"There's really not." I replied, breaking away from his stare. "I'm just a normal boring person."

"Why don't you let me be the judge of that?" he replied, sliding off of the desk. "We're doing another karaoke night this week and I still owe you that drink. I'll see you there?"

"I have plans."

Richie raised his brows. "I didn't even say which day."

"Does it matter?"

"Rosie, you said I could buy you a drink. Let me?"

I stared up at him. My heart beat raced. Could I do it?

It almost felt like a betrayal. Here I was, contemplating having fun while Mum was surrounded by strangers and slowly losing herself.

"I can't."

"It's one evening." Richie replied, bracing his hands on the desk. "We all want you to come. You're part of the team too. "

I swallowed. Brought my hand up to chew on my nail only to wince as snagged a sensitive spot. I dropped my hand back into my lap with a sigh. Who was I kidding? I wanted to this. I wanted to know what it was like to be just a normal thirty year old.

In some ways, I was older than my age. At least, that's how it felt. And yet, in other areas of my life, I was still that inexperienced university drop out trying to figure out my place in the world.

The words of refusal were on my tongue. I had said them so often over the years. It was easy. It was just a two letter word. And yet, the overwhelming emptiness was still too fresh. My chest was hollow and I was desperate to fill that void. The thought of another night alone in my new flat -. My hand covered my racing heart even as I shivered. I never wanted to feel that way again. 

"Which day?" I blurted, the words escaping my lips before I could stop them.

"Yes, you won't regret it." Richie beamed, leaning across my desk to pull me into an excited hug. My arms hung limply at my sides even as my cheek was pressed into his shoulder. "No take backs."

He released me and backed away with that infectious grin upon his lips. My own lips started to respond. I pressed them together, unwilling to admit how much I wanted this.

"Thursday night after work. We're heading across the road for dinner and then we're heading for karaoke at seven."

"But, it's a work night." I blurted before halting. Pulling my lip between my teeth, I fought the urge to groan. How ridiculous could I sound?  How many times had I seen them stagger in after a work night out?

Chuckling, Richie raised a brow. "Don't worry, I won't tell if you won't."

I waited for him to disappear back to his desk before I tilted my head back and groaned. Something told me I had just made a very big mistake. One that I was going to pay for.