The house looked no different to the last time I had visited. It had been a year? No, more than that. Somehow, I had let the months slip past one after the other. It had been too easy. There was always some emergency – some excuse as to why I couldn't stop by.

Two gleaming cars sat upon a perfectly manicured driveway. The brick built house was large, nestled in the midst of an expensive suburb of Kent. Though he was far from rich, the entire situation screamed that my dad was comfortably well off.

I swallowed past the tang of acid in the back of my throat. It was petty but I could feel the little green monster sitting on my shoulder, pointing out all of the things I should have had.

I shook my head and turned off the ignition. It was so strange to see the way Dad was living now when Mum and I had struggled for years. But, then again, was it really his fault? She had chosen to leave him. She had chosen to betray him. I had chosen to follow her without knowing all the facts.

Knowing what I did now, could I blame him for not supporting her financially afterwards?

Picking out the small gift bag from the foot well, I drew in a steadying breath. Would he know? Would he see the truth on my face? He always had a way of telling when I was lying.

Before I could change my mind and back the car out of the driveway, the front door of the house opened. And there he was. Dad.

Pushing open the door, I climbed out with my face already stretching into a smile. Only just remembering to lock the car behind me, I hurried forwards and straight into his waiting arms.

His tall frame was softer than I remembered, early retirement treating him well, and yet, his hugs were just the same. He wrapped his arms around me, rocking from side to side as he did so. He even smelled the same. Old spice and the faintest hint of the cigarettes he tried to convince everyone he had given up.

His perfectly trimmed moustache brushed my brow as he pressed a kiss to my temple. I knew if I looked up he would be smiling. The way he always did.

Yet I couldn't look up. I wasn't ready. Instead, I tightened my arms around him.

God, I missed this. I missed him.

I missed him more than I could even put into words.

Even if visits were sparse, I used to call. I would make a point of it. But, since discovering Mum's little box of secrets, I hadn't even been able to manage that. I hadn't called. I hadn't sent messages. I had only sent the obligatory cards and gifts as occasions came and went. After all, what was there to say?

The secret hung there between us. It was like an invisible cloud of toxins just threatening to poison the only good thing I had left. The only good thing I had let myself keep.

"Hey, now. What's all this?" He asks as his arms loosen and he pulls back.

It was only as a small sob escaped my lips that I even realised I was crying. My shoulders trembled his hands. As I peered up at him through eyelashes wet from tears, I fought to control the tangled mess within me. The guilt. The shame. The regret. The grief. The love. The relief that for now he still loved me just the same.

There were too many things and they were all clamouring for attention. As I stared up into his face, the urge to unburden myself was there. Despite how little I saw of him, he was still my dad. He was still a safe harbour.

But what if he's not? What if he's not and he doesn't know? It would break his heart. Selfishly, it would break mine too. I would never want him to treat me any differently. He was the only person I had left – even if I had kept him at a distance for years because I had blamed him for the split in our family. No matter how poorly I had treated him, I had always known that he loved me. I had always known that he would be there for me.

Like a spectre appearing from the gloom, Diane's face appeared behind my dad's shoulder. What the fuck was she doing here? Was this an ambush?

Her lips pressed into a line. There was no empathy in her stare as she peered down at my tearstained face. There was only a warning. Don't tell dad.

Now it all made sense. She was here because of me. She was here because she was afraid I was going to reveal the truth to my dad.

There was a small urge to rebel. To blurt out all of the secrets I had uncovered. To finally be free of a secret I didn't want to keep. But, watching the creases forming around his eyes as he peered down at me, I couldn't. It would hurt him more than anyone else. He didn't deserve that. I had already punished him enough.

I nodded briefly before pushing my lips up into a grin. "Sorry, I'm just being silly." I replied, lifting my free hand to lay it over my dad's. "I just really missed you."

"Now whose fault is that?" He teased, squeezing my shoulders before turning me towards the house. "Our door is always open. You know that."

As we crossed over the threshold, my sister approached. We paused a foot from one another in a stalemate. Neither wanted to be the first to approach. Not after our last conversation and the tense way we had left things.

The hesitation only lasted a few seconds but I felt it bone deep.

Then, because I could sense Dad watching us both and the weight of his arm was suddenly heavy upon my shoulders, I stepped forward and pulled my big sister into an awkward hug. She patted my back. I patted hers. I counted in my head. After exactly five seconds, we both pulled away looking just as uncomfortable as the other.

It was like hugging a stranger.

She may have been family by blood but she certainly hadn't chosen to be my family. Even now, she was more like an enemy.

A throat cleared behind me. My dad gave me a light nudge in my back. "Go on then. You still know the way."

I nodded my head, brushing past Diane as I went. She didn't react. She just let me go and I was grateful. The less spoken between us the better.

As I entered the lounge, my eyes automatically searched for another. "Where's Gloria?"

"Oh, didn't I message you, love? She got called into work. She was really upset that she was going to miss you today."

I swallowed. My shoulders relaxed just a touch. Gloria was great. Really great. She also liked to hug. A lot. Even after years, I still hadn't adjusted to the easy affection she shared.

"Send her my love." I replied before holding up the gift bag. "I brought presents."

"Oh you shouldn't have." My dad replied even as he took the bag from my grasp.

I shook my head as he retreated to his favourite arm chair. It was always the same. He tore into the bag within moments, the tissue paper fluttering to the floor as he pulled out his gifts one by one. He shook each one, holding it to his ear as if he could divine its contents just by the sound.

"Now, what's this I wonder?" He asked, a wide grin on his face.

As if he didn't already know. He tore open the paper, chucking as he held his prize proudly above his head. A pair of brightly coloured socks dangled from his hands, pictures of bright yellow rubber ducks spread across them.

"These are perfect." He murmured, holding out his arms. Without prompting, I crossed to him and gave him another hug.

"I saw them and thought of you." I replied, his extensive novelty sock collection a long standing joke within the family. They were the bane of my step mother's life but she endured my dad's eccentricities with a fond smile. "I also got a voucher for the restaurant you like on the beach. I thought you could take Gloria."

"You didn't."

"I did." I grinned, the tightness in my chest easing at the easy joy upon his face.

It had been so long since we had seen each other, a part of me had worried that things would be different. That the knowledge that he may not be my real dad would taint our relationship. And yet, so long as it remained unsaid, it was just the same. It was easier. Even if the unsaid things were tearing me up in side.

It was worth enduring the pain if it could spare him more. I had already caused enough with Mum.

"How is she?"

I blinked. "What?"

"You've got that look on your face again. The one you only get when you think about your mum." Dad said softly, setting aside his gift bag.

"I'm sorry." I replied, my eye catching Diane's steely gaze. "We don't have to talk about this."

"Rosie is right, Dad. We're celebrating your birthday. Today should be about you."

"Girls, I appreciate you both trying to protect me but I am an adult." He replied before setting his eyes upon me. "So, how is she?"

I closed my eyes and sighed. "Not good. She's deteriorating quicker now. They think she only has a few months now." I scrunched my eyes even tighter before sighing. "The last time I saw her, she couldn't even feed herself."

My dad sucked in a breath, and as I opened my eyes, I saw tears in his eyes. They had been apart for over fifteen years but, for the first time in a long time, I saw what I hadn't wanted to see before. The pain in the depths of his eyes was undeniable.

Did Gloria know?

"I can't imagine Evie like that. She was always so full of life."

I nodded my head mutely because what was there to say? Instead, I lifted my attention to my sister, the ghost lurking at the edge of a conversation. Her face had paled and her lips were pressed into a thin line.

By some unspoken signal, we changed the conversation. We discussing anything from the weather to the latest political blunder – of which there were many.

It wasn't until after dinner had been eaten that I had a moment alone with my sister. Yet, the entire time, I felt her presence. She was always there, watching us both. Waiting for me to slip.

Diane followed me out, her expression as sour as it had been all evening.

"You should see her, Diane." I said softly as we lingered at the door. "Whatever happened between you, I think you need to let it go. Time is running out and I think you'll regret it you don't at least pay her a visit."

"Really? You're telling me to let this go?" Diane replied, folding her arms across her chest. "You're the biggest hypocrite going. You've never let go of a grudge in your life. You think I don't know how you feel about me?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"Rosie, we both know you're not an idiot so don't go playing one now."

The fiery part within me reared its head. The words rose up but lodged somewhere between my throat and my mouth. Any retort would be playing right into her hands. She didn't deserve the satisfaction. Not now and not in the future.

"I need to go." I said instead, before offering my older sister an awkward wave. "It was good to see you."

I stepped out into the cold. Took a step towards my car and then another. I paused and glanced back. "Diane, just go and see her."

My sister pressed her lips into a thin line. As she often liked to do. Her gaze drifted towards the rosebushes lining the drive as if they were the most fascinating thing in the world.

"If not for you, then do it for her. I think she would like to see you. You may not think it, because of the way things parted between the two of you but she does care. She does love you. The way things ended between you was one of her biggest regrets." I offered a grim smile and a small shrug as she reluctantly looked at me once more. "It's one of the downsides of the disease. She's trapped in the past more often than not and one thing I can tell you with certainty is that she's never stopped asking for you. Unfortunately, I had nothing to tell her."

The double edged blow hit. There was a brief moment of triumph. She hurt. She finally knew how it felt. And then, my stomach knotted. I took a step towards her.

She shook her head and backed up a step.

"Goodbye, Rosie."

She closed the door in my face with a swift bang. I blew out a sigh.

I had done it again. Fuck.