- Tuesday, March 29th, 2016 -

– 2 months after the disappearance –

Never in my life have I been scared to go to school. But right now, staring at the Facebook post containing a picture of me and Stan, I'm frightened to death. Janet posted it yesterday in the evening, while I was with Stan. It's Julia who called to tell me about it. How could Emma do this to me? Sure, I know she doesn't like Stan. But she shouldn't have betrayed me like this. She was the only one who knew about me hanging out behind the locker rooms with Stan. She must have warned Janet.

The picture shows me and Stan, kissing behind the locker rooms. It's taken yesterday. The kiss didn't even last longer than a couple of seconds before I pushed him off and told him not to do that in public.

But here we are; out, but not so proud.

I feel sick to my stomach only thinking about the consequences of this.

My whole life is such a mess right now.

I don't want to like Stan the way I do, but I can't help it; I just do. It's like every time he's around me my mind is blurred; my legs feel like puddy and all I think about is kissing him. It shouldn't feel wrong to be with him. It doesn't even feel wrong anymore. On the contrary, it feels totally right. But the judgement, the public opinion about being gay, is what keeps me from blurting this all out.

I eventually leave the house without seeing – or speaking to – my parents. I decide on taking the bike to school, since I don't want to sit in the bus all by myself while others probably already saw this picture.

It takes everything in my power to go on and arrive at school instead of just turning around and lock myself in my room.

Everything is fine while I place my bike in the shed, everything is okay while I walk towards the entrance and to my locker. Not much people pay attention to me, and the few that do, mostly smile at me.

But the second I round the corner and look towards my locker, Jaimie and Evan are there, staring right at me. Jaimie seems confused, Evan insecure.

"Cris?" Jaimie speaks, the second I'm within hearing range. "Tell me it's just a manipulated picture."

I swallow and look down to my feet.

"Please, tell me it's not what it looks like." He grabs my arm and turns me around so that I am now facing him. Tom appeared beside Evan, staring at me in disgust.

"It's not?" It's more of a question than it is a statement.

"So, you're not gay?"

"No..." I look down again.

"Cris, you can't be gay." Jaimie lets out an awkward laugh, before the silence continues. This is the most awkward conversation I've ever had.

"He came onto me..." I lie. I damn well know I lead him on in that moment. "He kissed me and I shoved him off." Continue with the lie, save your reputation. Don't become an outcast.

"So, you hit him, right? Because that's disgusting. You know it's wrong."

"I know..." I should agree it's wrong, but I don't and that's what's bothering me so damn much. I just want to go back three months and forget about Stan, still have Finnley here with me; have my normal teenager and carefree life. "I'm not gay, okay?"

"I'll kick his ass for doing this to you." Jaimie seethes. "He can't just go homo on you."

"It's fine Jaimie." I take in a deep breath. "He knows better now. He knows I'm not gay, he'll leave me alone."

"Are you sure? Because this fucking picture might blow up in your face." He waves his phone in front of my face. "I'll go and make sure Janet takes it offline again. This is probably just her sick and twisted way of taking revenge for keeping her away from Finn."

"Right." I nod. "She's a bitch." I still feel awkward and I feel even worse lying about Stan and me than I felt about Stan and me in the first place.

"Don't worry dude." Jaimie's hand is on my shoulder, firmly gripping me. "We've got your back and we'll make sure people won't believe that bitch."

"Thanks..." I nod and let go of the breath I was holding. So, I got the boys on my side, even though they're not on my side at all. I watch as they walk away, before turning around again.

"You're a great liar." Emma looks me up and down. "They'll find out eventually."

"No, they won't. As long as my friendwon't betray me again."

"Hey, it wasn't me." She shrugs. "Janet saw it and she took the picture. I just didn't deny it. Because I'm not a liar."

"Oh, fuck off Emma." I groan, slamming my locker shut. "Just leave me alone, jealous bitch."

"Fine, Cris." She snaps. "But if this all comes crashing down on you, one way or another, I won't be there to have your back. I'm too busy with being jealous, right?" She winks, before she takes off as well.

This is going to be an interesting day.

* * * * *

"Cris!" It's Stan's voice and I instantly cringe the second he takes a seat next to me in class. "Are you okay?"

"I'm fine." I mutter, pulling on the hood of my sweater to cover my face. "Could you leave?"

"What? Why?"

"Because I can't be seen with you right now."

"You can't be seen with me?" He chuckles, pulling the hood off again. "Why? Did they threaten you? I'll kill them if they bothered you."

"Hey, fag?" Jaimie's voice sneers at him. "Leave him alone. He's not like you."

Stan looks at me weirdly, before turning around towards Jaimie. "Stay out of this."

"You stay out of his life." Jaimie slams a hand on Stan's table. "He's no homo, and we don't like you spreading around your gayness. Now leave."

"What?" Stan looks back and forth between Jaimie and me. "Cris..." He sounds kind of begging, but when I remain silent, he gets up and looks down at me. "Fuck this shit," he snaps, before he leaves the classroom again.

I ignore Jaimie and Evan the rest of the day. Since they keep sneering at Stan, joking about him and talking about how sick it is.

By the time the school day came to an end, I feel even worse than I did this morning. It only gets worse once I leave the last class. I sat alone and kept to myself all day since none of my so-called friends are in that class with me. I head towards my locker, empty out the backpack and take the books with me I need for homework. When I'm done and I closed my locker, there's three kids running by in a hurry.

"It's going to be epic!" One calls out. "I bet Jaimie will kick his ass."

My face drains from most of its colour, before I regain my posture and run after them. When I finally managed to make it through the crowd, I see Stan, Jaimie and Tom in the midst of it, staring daggers at each other.

"You're not welcome here," Jaimie seethes, pushing Stan backwards.

Now, don't get me wrong. Stan is a strong guy and he probably throws a great punch, but this is Jaimie we're talking about. And I can't let him beat the crap out of Stan. Not since this is all my fault. If it would have been any other guy he kissed, no one would give a damn.

This whole freaking town needs to chill out and stop harassing gay people. This sounds hypocrite coming from me, considering the fact I was one of the haters not too long ago. But I've changed, and I know how hurtful those words coming from them can be.

The first punch is thrown by Jaimie, but Stan managed to duck out of the way, tripping Jaimie in the process.

"Stop it!" I call out, rushing forward, stopping in between the both of them. "It's not worth the trouble, okay?" I look at Jaimie, who scrambled back to his feet, staring at me in anger.

"What, you're backing up that fag?" He hisses in anger and disgust.

"Off course he is backing me up," Stan snaps back at him. "Tell "em Cris. Tell them I didn't force you."

"Yeah, Cris." Jaimie crosses his arms. "Tell us. Areyou a fag?"

"I'm not a fucking fag!"

"Than hit him! Show "em you hate fags just as much as we do." Jaimie turned me around to face Stan. "Show us you're no fag." He pushes me forwards slightly. Daring me to hit Stan to show them I'm like them.

"Cris, stop this nonsense. They're too dense... they're not your friends..."

"Shut up." I groan, covering my ears. They are my friends. They are normal. They have my back and they believe me whenever I tell them something. They keep me sane and normal.

But Stan made me happy and when I'm alone with him, I feel like I can be myself completely. But I can't be an outcast, I wouldn't survive another day if they'd shunt me out.

"If you don't hit him, I'll assume you are a fag." Jaimie seethes, pushing me again.

I share a look with Stan, who doesn't seem all too impressed by this. But his eyes sort of beg me to take his side in this. But looking around us, seeing everybody looking at him with that much disgust and judgement, I know I can't be on his side. I can't lose my reputation. I already lost my best friend, I can't lose the rest of them too.

So, I hit him as hard as I can. It's not nearly hard enough to send him tumbling to the ground, but hard enough for his head to snap sideways. He remains in the same position for a couple of seconds, before he closes his eyes and takes in a deep breath. He looks at me shortly, before he turns around and runs away.

"Well, if that didn't clarify it to him I don't know anymore." Jaimie seems awfully cheerful over the fact I did hit Stan. But my gut is wrenching, I feel broken beyond repair when thinking of the look of disappointment on Stan's face. The hurt, the fact that I could hear his heart break down once I hit him in the face. It breaks mine too.

It probably takes too long, but eventually, I run after him. By the time I manage to push through the crowd and make it outside, I see Stan's car speed off on the road. Well, I fucked up really bad this time.

* * * * *

"Stan, please talk to me!" I call out, knocking on his front door. I've been at this for the past 15 minutes. First, I rang the bell, but no one would answer. I assumed his parents aren't home, so I started to bang more forcefully. "I'm fucking sorry, okay? I was scared!"

It's not like I was fucking planning on outing myself. I can't stand up for myself right now, because I'm not okay with coming out. I can't have it ruin my life.

I knock again, even kicking the door in frustration, before it flies open. Stan is in front of me, fuming in anger.

"Stop breaking down the fucking door," He shouts, grabbing hold of my collar. "I will break your fucking hands of you hit it one more time."

"I'm sorry, Stan." I cry out. "Don't hate me."

"Don't hate you?" He lets out a sarcastic laugh. "I'm fucking in love with you." He hisses, letting go of me. "I can't hate you. But I knew better than getting involved with a cocky ass jock."

"Love how you use exactly those two body parts to describe me." I drawl, rolling my eyes. He huffs, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

"It's not even funny, okay? You really hurt my feelings today. While yesterday you were all over me."

"I know." I grab hold of my hair in frustration. "I was scared, okay!? You know I'm still not fully okay with these feelings. I'm not okay with myself yet. I'll be a mess if they'll go on and bully me over something that I don't even want!"

"Yeah, well, not my problem anymore." Stan shrugs. "I'm not gonna wait around for you to finally see the light and stop insulting me with your clouded thoughts. Because you know what? The fact you say you don't accept yourself being gay, tells me you don't accept me being gay either!"

"It's not like that! I accept you, I accept Finn. I just have trouble accepting the fact I'm just like that." I mutter. "Please, give me a chance to prove I do like you like that."

He snorts and shakes his head. "You know what, Cris? I did everything for you. I declared a war with Nathan, I can't show my face in half of this town because people are willing to kill me for snooping around. I spent my fucking money on you without hesitation. But I didn't care. Because it made you happy. I did everything for you! And you only had to do one thing for me today. And you couldn't. I risk my rep for you each and every day. But you couldn't do the same for me. You're nothing but a selfish asshole and you don't deserve my attention."

"No, Stan, please." I prevent him from closing the door. "I love you. Don't break up with me."

"I believe you broke up with me when you hit me in the face."

"I'll make it up to you. Just... please. Let me prove that I love you too." The thought of him leaving me hurts like hell. Because I might not accept the fact I am gay, but I know I am.And I'm trying, right? I came out to my parents for him. I came out to Julia and Emma. But it's too much to lose my friends over this. It might take me a while to come to terms with this and I hope Stan's point of view about being gay will help me to accept it. But in order for that to happen, I need him to stay with me.

"You'll make it up to me?" Stan looks me up and down. "Out yourself to the school, then we'll talk."

"Out myself?" I blink my eyes a couple of times. "What about waiting until I'm ready, even if it would take years?"

"Yeah, that was before you hit me in front of the whole school," he seethes. "When you are willing to fight along with me, we can talk. If you don't, if you're going to let me fight this stereotype bully-the-gay crap by myself, I don't ever want to be seen with you again."

"Don't leave me..." I whisper.

"You know what to do." And with those words, the door is slammed shut in front of my face.

School is only four more months. Four months either without Stan, or without any previous friends.

God, I wish Finnley would be here. I miss him more than ever. I didn't need anyone else when he was around.