- Thursday, February 25th, 2016 -

– 1 month after the disappearance –

I reached a point in which I lost most hope to ever see Finnley again. It's been 31 days since I last saw Finnley and right now, everything reminds me of him. It makes me cry like a little child and I now have breakdowns on a daily basis. It's simple things that are the worst reminders; like books, or his locker – which I now avoid by taking different routes in school – or the lunch table he always used to sit with me.

The police are still looking for him, but the team who's on the case gets smaller each day and currently they only have two people on the job to listen to whoever has information. But they only track the serious kind of tips; which means none. I think I haven't spoken in three days, my friends started to avoid me when I have one of my crappy moods and the teachers leave me alone in class whenever they notice I'm not in a good place.

I am still in a small argument with Emma because I'm hanging out with Stan a lot. I've been hanging out with him nearly every day; just like today.

We've skipped school. I did that after having a fight with Emma yesterday and receiving an F for the last Math's test I did. It reminded me of the fact Finnley used to tutor me. I went home straight after that class, not in the mood to stay in school.

"What you thinking about?" Stan rolls around, puts his arms around me and pulls me to his bare chest. This is a reoccurring situation. I've been sleeping with Stan a lot. We mostly end up having sex after sharing a spliff or drinking too much.

"Finny." I mutter with a sad voice. "It's been a month today."

"They'll find him eventually." He murmurs, gently tickling my back with his fingers. "You can't lose hope."

"But I do." I whine. "It's been 31 freaking days. How often do people show up alive after being gone for a month?"

"I don't know... Some do." Stan pulls me closer to him, placing a kiss on top of my head. "But Finn is really smart and I bet he'll find a way to survive whatever happened."

"I hate those stupid posters in the streets, you know. Everywhere you look, Finn is staring back at you with that cheeky smile of him." I groan and roll away from Stan's hold, searching for something to drink. Stan's room is pretty much a mess. It's the one room in the house his mother never bothers to clean up. Stan couldn't give a damn. There's an astray on the windowsill, full of spliffs and cigarettes. The floor is littered with empty pizza-boxes, bottles of different kinds of alcohol and clothes.

I hate messy rooms, bit in this case it kind of fits Stan. It's like a reflection of his soul or something; the messy careless attitude he's got going on.

Eventually I settle for some vodka, by lack of any non-alcoholic drink within my reach. I chuck down the remains in the bottle and stare at Stan. "I hate being sober nowadays."

"Yeah, well..." Stan sits up straight, my mouth watering by the sight of his well-formed bare chest, lean muscles showing. "I don't want you to become an alcoholic." He snatches the bottle from my hold and grabs hold of my chin. "You are kind of annoying when you're drunk." He grins.

"I am?"

"Well, one thing is for sure, you're a horny bastard when you're intoxicated."

"I don't hear you complain."

"Nah, not when we're in here." He shrugs. "But yesterday you were all over me in the park and I don't want my friends to think you're needy or whatever."

I pull up an eyebrow and stare at him. "Needy? You think I'm needy?"

"Hey, it's cute, but not everybody appreciates it." He winks and smiles cheekily. "Just, try to keep the drinking to a minimum, okay?"

"I'm not needy," I deadpan.

"Cris it's fine." He chuckles. "But promise me to stop drinking all my alcohol, it's pretty expensive."

"Thought you made good money with your job." I feel annoyed because he still holds on to his opinion of me being needy.

"Talking about that job. I need you to leave. I have people coming over."

"Let me shower and I'll leave."

"No time for shower cutie." Stan grabs my wrist. "But I'll drop you off at home so you don't have to ride your bike with that messy post-sex hair of yours." He whispers huskily, pulling me in for a kiss. "And we'll hang out tonight when they're gone, okay?"

"I kind of agreed on studying with Julia... She's gonna help me with math's homework."

"Take her with you." He shrugs. "Haven't hung out with her in a while."

"I'll ask, and I call you to let you know."

"Sounds good to me." He kisses me one last time, before he let's go so we both can get dressed.

* * * * *

I'm getting closer to the point of accepting the fact I love to sleep with Stan. I'm just not comfortable with the whole idea to actually admit I might be bisexual, or gay, or whatever. I'm just... curious. Or experimenting, like Finnley did. It's one of the few things currently going on in my life that I actually enjoy. And I really like Stan and being with him, just hanging out, or doing nothing.

Besides, it has some advantages to hang out with Stan a lot. He lets me drink, he shares his spliffs with me. He makes me feel good about myself. He's actually back to watching Nathan. He's been following the guy around town in his free time, to see if he's doing shady stuff, or stuff that could tell us something about Finnley. Nothing came out of it so far, but I appreciate Stan doing that because I'm giving up hope.

It's safe to say I'm a bit addicted to his attention. But I have a life and I can't get in trouble for constantly skipping school to hang out with him.

So, instead of skipping another day in school, I decided to go to my classes and try to be my cheerful self again, hanging out with Jaimie, Felix and Evan during lunch, listening to some funny things that happened during practice or whatever.

"Then he tripped over his own feet and landed with his face in the mud." Jaimie let's out a roaring laugh, Felix chuckles and Evan's face flushes because this story is about him.

I laugh along with Jaimie, before grinning towards Evan. "You're clumsy."

"Yeah, well, I'm not really good in offence." He shrugs.

"Why don't you come back? We could use someone who's able to actually score a goal." Jaimie pulls up his eyebrows and smiles widely at the idea. "Besides, it'll get you mind off of things."

"Things..." I groan. "Finn."

"Yeah..." He drawls. "I mean, you're so depressed and all. You could use something to clear your mind a bit."

I guess he's got a point. Currently I clear my mind by actually clearing out my memory with huge amounts of alcohol nearly every day. It's gotten to a point that I'm slightly trembling during the days I don't drink and I'm smart enough to know that's a bad sign.

"Maybe I should." I nod in agreement. "I'll ask the coach if he's got a spot for me."

"Are you serious?" Jaimie cheers softly. "He's been asking us to get you back on the team. But I didn't think I should bother you about it too much."

"Well, let me borrow some stuff until I get my own and I'll join." I nod, thinking this might just be the thing I need; healthy distraction.

Its time I can spent with my friends, it's a healthy way of keeping myself busy and focus on something other than the depressing thoughts about Finn not being found. Besides, it's time away from Stan and that is something I need.

I hang out with Jaimie the rest of the day, since we share all of our classes together after lunch. I let my parents know I'm joining them for practice and I follow him towards the locker room. I ignore my phone when Stan is calling me, probably wondering if I want to hang out again.

I can't respond during practice anyway.

It's been over a year since I played soccer, and I need some time to get used to it again, but by the end of practice I feel really good. Exhausted, but in a good way. My condition is nowhere close to how good it had been before I decided to quit, but it's still better than Evan's, who is a die-hard smoker and has the worst condition ever for someone his age.

It's actually one of the best days I've had in a while. The boys are all happy to have me back on the team, the coach is pleased with it, and I haven't thought about anything other than how to do the drills or score a goal during the short match we played at the end of practice.

* * * * *

Once I'm home, sprawled down on my bed after a long warm shower, I decide to call Stan. He called a couple of times already and I started wondering if it's about Nathan. I know he'd been planning on following him after school.

"Hi Cristian." He sounds a little irritated once he answers the phone. Not only his tone-of-voice gives it away, but also the fact he uses my full name.

"Hey, I was at practice." I tell him, trying to sound cheerful. "Jaimie and Felix asked me to join the team again and I thought it would be a good distraction."

"Right." He answers without emotion. "That's why you've been ignoring me? Practice ended two hours ago."

"Well, yeah, but we stayed a little longer and along with showering and getting home..."

"You could have let me know. I was worried." Now he sounds a little angry.

"Worried?" I ask in confusion. "About what?"

"I couldn't find Nathan and you didn't answer your phone." Stan sighs deeply.

"Wait, you think he'd do something to me?"

"Well, he did talk to you last week. Trying to convince you he's innocent."

"I don't trust him, Stan." I chuckle. "But it's kinda nice you're worried about me."

"Yeah, I've been worried sick Cris, nothing to laugh here."

"I'm sorry." I mutter, feeling a bit ashamed because he obviously worried over my well-being and I'm here, laughing about it. "I didn't know you cared about me that much."

"What?" Now he chuckles, making me smile a bit. "Cris, I like you... A lot," he drawls, sounding a bit awkward. "Off course I care about you."

"You like me?"

"Yeah... about that... Can we meet up, and talk?"

"Eeh, sure. But I'd have to sneak out. It's past my curfew because it's a schoolnight."

"What about the times you stay with me? Don't your parents give you trouble for that?"

"No, they mostly think I'm with Jaimie or Felix or whatever." I can pretend whatever I want, but Stan liking me is giving me a warm feeling.

I might really like him. At first I thought it was just a feeling of gratitude and a close friendship with benefits for the both of us. But on the other hand, hearing him laugh or chuckle or whenever he holds me, it makes me happy. Those feelings I have for him, look a damn lot like the feelings I had when I first laid my eyes on Julia. Maybe I do like him, more than I want to admit.

"Cris, babe? Are you there?"

"Huh!? Yeah! Sorry... train of thoughts." I grin and take in a deep breath. "Maybe we should talk... yeah. I'll dress warm. Let's meet at the park."

"Okay, I'll see you there." He sounds happy, which in turn makes me happy.

I put on a sweater and a hoodie since I can't go downstairs to grab my coat, before I climb out of the window. I decide against using my bike, because maybe my parents would go out and notice it is gone. Best to not leave too much traces while sneaking out at night.

I walk the four blocks towards the park. Stan is already there, seated on a bench, jumping up as soon as he notices me.

I smile as soon as I see him smile.

Yeah, I'm a sucker for his smile.

"Hey!" He sounds cheerful, creating a mixture of feelings inside me, like butterflies in my stomach and tingling feelings along my skin. I had about 10 minutes walking from home to here, to overthink what my feelings exactly are. I hate to admit that I am indeed falling for him, faster than I ever fell for anyone. Excluding Finnley, because I might have been in love with him for years.

"Hey." I grin at him and nuzzle my face in his neck the second he hugs me close to him. His body heat radiating through my clothes, warming me from outside, while the feeling of him holding me also warms me from within. "You wanted to talk?" I ask the second he gave me a chased kiss on the lips.

"Yeah..." He takes in a deep breath, grabs hold of my hand and pulls me towards the bench to take a seat. "About us..."

"What about us?"

"I know we've just met and all, but I really like you." His face flushes a bit and I grin widely, squeezing his hand that is still holding mine. "Now, I know you're not comfortable with gay people and all, the religious thing and all..."

"Yeah..." I take in a deep breath. "It still feels a bit wrong, or weird... But yeah... I do like you too." I admit timidly.

"You do?"

"Yes." I nod, staring towards the swing set in front of us. "Like, in a gay, romantic way." I whisper. "I'm confused, really. But I can't deny my feelings."

"Are you serious?" He sounds pretty much happier than ever. Like he just won the lottery.

"I'm very serious." I turn my head to look at him and we share a short kiss, both grinning like fools afterwards, just staring at each other.

"I didn't expect that." He sighs contently, leaning his forehead against mine. "But okay, you like me, I obviously like you..."

I nod carefully, not willing to lose the contact of our heads.

"You want to be serious?"

"What? Like...?"

"You want to be my boyfriend?" His eyes are dark and filled with a weird look that sends shivers through my spine. "Be exclusive. We don't have to come out or whatever... But yeah. I never felt about anyone like this before."

I close my eyes for a while, pondering over my answer, although there's only one words flashing through my mind. "Yes. I'll be your boyfriend, but you have to be patient with me." I tell him firmly, sure of my answer. "I still have trouble accepting this part about me. I really like you. But I want to come out whenever I'm ready, even if it means it'll take years."

"Well, if that means you're still with me in a couple of years." He grins smugly. "Fine by me."