- Sunday, February 14th, 2016 -

– 23 days after the disappearance –

I feel like a zombie ever since waking up. I couldn't even look at myself in the mirror. I had to, because my mom forced me to tag along to church; telling me I had to pray for Finnley to come back home safe. I had to look presentable, but I felt sick to my stomach only looking at my reflection.

Not a word of the service got through to me. I noticed when Finnley's parents were called to come forward and I noticed how everybody went silent in a joined prayer for his return. I couldn't help but feel miserable about myself.

I committed multiple sins already and the worst part about it, is the fact I actually enjoyed it. I enjoyed sleeping with a guy. It's sick and twisted to even think about it. I don't know what had gotten into me last night. I felt so horny and I longed for his hands to touch me everywhere.

But it's not right. I'm supposed to love a woman, marry one, have kids. A normal life. Not one consisting of sins.

Look at the position Finnley got himself into by giving into wrong feelings. He accepted being gay, he even went as far as sleeping with multiple guys.

And then I went on and felt miserable because instead of focusing on praying for his safe return, I could only be selfish and think about myself and the things I've done wrong lately.

Is finding Finnley important enough for me to go against everything I believe in? I already have been seduced to bad things, like drugs and sleeping with a guy. What more would I do while retracing his steps? While hanging out with friends that are obviously a bad influence.

I have to find out what happened to him, I know I have to. But I can't lose myself in the process. I don't want to go to hell. I don't even want to think about Finnley going to hell. But that is what the priest talked about. How Finnley made a lot of wrong decisions and now he had to suffer. Because God knows all.

His parents are long forgiven over the fact they accepted him taking medications instead of following Gods paved way. They confessed their sins and they realized they had been weak, seduced into going against God's will. But they only did it out of love for their son.

Is that what I'm doing? Am I doing all of these things out of love for Finnley? Just plain simple love for my best friend.

But then again, I already know I'm not the perfect Christian person in the world. I drink, I had sex multiple times before marriage, not even intending on having a relationship with any of those girls. I commit sins multiple times a week. But those sins aren't that bad, right? It's just part of being a teenager. Like my mom and dad always say, they did the same kind of stuff when they were young. But they eventually married and had me, like they were supposed to.

Like I'm supposed to.

After service, I had to stand there and listen to a conversation between my parents, Finnley's parents and the priest. The endless talk about how Finnley took a wrong path in life and his parents couldn't do anything but pray.

Pray for his sins to be forgiven.

I feel sick once we get home. I don't want my parents to end up the same way. Maybe it is better not to hang out with Stan anymore. Search for clues about what happened to Finnley without him being present.

I had Emma on my side and she obviously isn't a big fan of Stan. I have Julia on my side and she's smart enough to come up with ideas on how to find out what happened.

I left church without my parents. They're going over to the Lunds and eat dinner with them. I didn't feel like going and told them I'd walk back home. I could use the time to clear my mind and figure out what I'm willing to do to find my best friend. A best friend who simply just got lost in life and took a wrong turn.

While walking home, I'm too consumed by my own thoughts to notice a car stopping a couple of meters ahead of me. The window is rolled down and once I pass the car, someone calls out for me.

"Cris, right?"

I wake up from my train of thoughts, snapping my head in the direction of the car. Nathan looks like shit. His hair is messy and he hasn't shaved in a few days. Bags under his eyes and he's wearing sweatpants and a sweater that seems to be all too familiar. Isn't that Finnley's favourite sweater?

"I need to talk to you." He leans in to push the door open, telling me to get in.

"Like I'd get in a car with you," I hiss at him, stepping back a little.

Nathan sighs deeply, before nodding. He shuts down the car and gets out, closing both doors before locking it. "Right, you probably don't trust me."

"Not probably, I don't."

"Stan's gotten into your head pretty quick." Nathan simply responds, putting his hands in his pockets. "I shouldn't have walked away when we first met. But the stress and worrying over Finn had me in a bad place that day."

I snort, stepping away from him again. "What did you do to him?"

Nathan shakes his head, staring into the distance. "I didn't do anything to Finn, okay?" He sounds annoyed. "I love Finn and I'm nothing without him."

"Yeah, right," I deadpan. "What about threatening him on the day he went missing?"

"We had a falling out, yes. But I never threatened him."

"I read the..." Okay, maybe I shouldn't confess to him about that. We're alone out here and I have no idea what he'd do to me when he figures out Stan stole his phone because I asked him to help me find Finnley. "I know what you said in that phone conversation."

"What phone conversation?" He looks puzzled. "What are you talking about?"

"The conversation about Finnley ending the deal." I bawl my hands into fists, anger rising inside me. He's not going to pretend that never took place.

"How do you know about that?" He still seems lost about this topic.

"The police got an anonymous letter, containing a conversation between you and fuckboyFinn. You threatened that if he didn't pay you back, you'd go after him."

"Cris... I never said that. That wasn't my conversation. And that phone number isn't mine either. I have no idea who's pretending to be me out there, but it wasn't me."

"But you did have a deal with Finnley for him to sleep with you in exchange for the Ritalin."

His eyes widen and he stares at me in disbelieve, before shaking his head. "No." He keeps shaking his head. "Finnley is... was... I don't know. But we were together. I would never force him to sleep with me over some Ritalin. We had a different deal Cris."

"What was the deal?"

"It doesn't sound right to call it a deal, but I didn't want to accept Finn's money, so I told him to look after my little brother. Martin got bullied a lot and ever since Finn stood up for him things gotten better for him."

"Martin?" That name sounds familiar, but I can't recall a face, or Finnley ever talking about a guy named Martin to be one of his friends. But then it dawns me, Finnley got in a fight with Tobias and he was protecting Martin. "He's your brother?"

"Yeah..." Nathan shrugs. "Different mothers, but still."

"So, what about the fact James got beaten up?"

"He had it coming." Nathan smirks. "Those guys, like Stan and James, they are bastards, Cris. From everything Finn told me about you, I figured you were a little smarter than you seem right now."

"For all I know, you're the bastard," I deadpan. "Stan is only helping me on figuring out what Finnley kept hidden from me."

"Look, I know you don't trust me, and you have no reason to trust me anyway. I'm just here to tell you to watch out with guys like Stan. Finnley had a lot of shady friends and I would hate to see you get involved with them too."

"Thanks, but I'm fine. I can take care of myself." And I've got Stan, right there beside me to help me if needed.

- Monday, February 15th, 2016 -

The next day in school, Stan decided to join us for lunch, much to the disliking of Emma. Julia and I don't mind, Willow and Lily left the second he joined and the rest of the school is shamelessly staring in our direction. I figure it must be a weird combination, Stan as a pothead, Julia as a geeky kind of student and Emma and me as the more popular kind of students. But you don't hear me complain about this group, because we're together for one reason; figuring out where Finnley could be. Or who could have harmed him.

"Nathan came up to you?" Julia cocks her head to the side, her eyes filled with curiosity. Stan tenses beside me. Clenching his teeth in anger.

"Yeah, started spewing shit about Stan and James." I shrug.

"What kind of shit?" Stan grumbles in annoyance.

"How I shouldn't trust you guys and what not."

"Don't listen to him." Stan hisses. "He's the devil's spawn and I just know he's got something to do with Finn's disappearance."

"Yeah, about that..." I drawl. "He said that phone conversation wasn't his. Not the phone number."

"Off course he said that." Stan rolls his eyes. "If he admits to you that was him, you know he'd be lying to you."

"Right." That makes sense. Off course he wouldn't admit that it had been his words.

"He also said Finn had more shady friends."

"He did." Stan nods. "I don't know "em, but he knew people who gave us the happy pills, he knew how to get fake ID's. That was all Finn, really. I was just minding my own business with selling weed. He sort of widened my vision with his crazy ass ideas."

"How did you actually meet him? I mean..." Julia shrugs. "We know he smoked weed with you. But why did he come to you for that?"

"I don't know." Stan shrugs. "Just one day he came up to us, telling us he wanted to buy some. I never bothered to ask how he got our names or whatever. After a couple of short meetings, we started talking and one thing led to another."

"It doesn't really matter anyway," I simply respond. "More important is the fact you're helping us." I smile towards him and when he smiles back I get a warm feeling inside of me. The cheeky kind of smile Stan is flashing me is one to die for.

Bad thought.

I shouldn't be feeling this, for it is wrong and I know I'm better than this. I am strong enough to suppress this kind of feelings.

Emma is looking back and forth between Stan and me with a weird look on her face, before she shakes her head and gets up from her seat. "Cris, can I talk to you? In private?"

I pull up my eyebrows, before I slowly nod and get up from my seat to follow her out of the lunchroom and into the nearly empty hallway. "What's wrong?"

"I don't trust Stan. And you keep praising him for helping us."

"He ishelping us."

"Yeah, I bet he's helping you," she snaps, closing her eyes for a couple of seconds. "What's with all the glaring and smiling and whatnot?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh god, Cris." She groans in frustration. "He looks at you like he's about to jump you any second and you seem all too willing to let him. What did I miss during the weekend?"

"Nothing." Why does my face flush in moments like this? Why did the image of having sex with Stan pop up in my mind right then?

"So, you're gay now?" A smug grin appears on her face. "Or aren't girls satisfying enough for slutty Cris?"

"What! No! Hell no." I shudder. "I'm most definitely not gay, okay!"

"Right. Well, you know I don't care, I just don't trust him and I don't like the idea of you getting involved with him too much."

"Why don't you trust him? He's helping us! Without him the police wouldn't have any evidence against Nathan."

"Cris, please wake up, okay? If Nathan is guilty, the police will figure it out themselves, without Stan having to steal phone's and getting his friends beaten up over it."

"If you don't want to help, fine Emma, then don't. But Stan is nothing but a good friend to me and you just don't like the fact Finn obviously took interest in him. Ever since you found out they slept together you act like he's a bad guy. Jealousy isn't a nice colour on you." I turn around after snapping at her, storming off in anger. I don't need negative people like her in my life.

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