Dear Diary,

Sometimes we lie, don't we? Because we don't want to explain people how we really feel, too scared, too complicated, we think, and we lie.

Joseph has been me calling me inccesenatly since coming from school. I didn't answer his calls. He rang the doorbell thrice. Since mom and dad were at work , I could pretend like nobody else was in the house. I am too scared. Too scared of him,of me. I think I sort of lose my mind around him. Like whenever he is near me, his eyes make me feel like we are the only people in the world. But I have to lie in front of everybody else. I feel too scared, too complicated. The images of that day in Hampton park doesn't go away. It's still there like a sharp knife in my gut. I can't go to public with him. In private we can pretend that it's only us. His soft lips can fall on mine for as long as we want. His eyes making me feel like I have an ocean of my own. He makes me happy, he does. But I am too scared to to tell him that I think he will start hating me again. If we step a foot out of my house together. Or worse, I will hate myself even more.

He texted me right now. I know he must feel like it's because of Peter. But I saw Joseph near the Piano class today , I didn't like the way he was standing close to Scarlett, she was smiling one of the smiles which were unusually true. I hated that. Except I can't tell him. Except this is the only way. So that was how the day was. It's Okay you know, we will be okay.

The next morning in the school was disaster. I was trying my every attempt to evade Joseph's eyes. Peter told me he got into the Football team after a long time of Joseph not letting him score a goal. I congratulated him and prayed in my mind, for him to sit with Cathy. But he didn't. Cathy didn't mind, like always. But she seems to like Peter. I have never seen her blush before like this.

" Let's go get lunch. " Peter says beside me.

" You guys go ahead. Just need to discuss this essay with Ms. Brown. "

" Oh we can wait outside for you. " Peter says.

" Thanks, but I don't know how much time it will take. You guys are hungry, go." I smile at them and they head off.

I discuss the essay with Ms. Brown with some reluctance. She asks me who is the person I have written about, but when I don't speak for sometime. She gives me a little smile and says it's okay.

I head out of the classroom and before I can put my head on what's happening, Joseph grabs my hands and pulls me right towards the hallway, into the music room. To my relief there's no one in the room but what if Ms. Brown saw us? Or worse if one of our schoolmates did.

" What are you doing? " I ask tersely when he locks the door from inside.

" I would like to ask, what are you doing?" He says in a voice of rock, his eyes vivisecting me with his icy blue.

I suddenly become tactiturn preferring to stare on the floor.

" Are you doing this because you like that new pathetic slug who keeps following you like a dog. "

My eyes turn wide, I stare at him my stomach writhing, " Are you insane? He has nothing to do with this. And he is neither a slug nor a dog. "

He takes one step towards me, his breathing harsh. " Are you defending that bastard in front of me, or do you tend to have proclivities towards him. Because if you suddenly have then tell me I shouldn't waste my time with you?" He asks in a voice like storm.

My breath stops, my stomach burns like acid. " You know what I think, you are wasting your time with me right now. You shouldn't, go outside your Sacrlett would be waiting for you with her open arms like yesterday."

He curses under his breath. " Do you think that I want to be with her? What do you think I was doing with her? I was just standing and talking with her. Because according to you, I can't do that with you in front of the whole school. "

My eyes burn with tears. " Forgive me if I don't want to. My experience wasn't rather functional when I tried to do that in front of only two people. "

I strut towards the door, I can't cry in front of him again.

In a flash, he grabs my arms and pushes me towards him. His lips clasping mine with bounding force. He pushes on my mouth for entrance, and without a single moment of hesitation my lips open and his tounge evades my every sense of dread and smithereens. He kisses me and kisses me then softly pushes back, still keeping his arms on my shoulder.

He looks at me for a long time. I try to blink to stop the tears. But my eyes burns like someone has ligthen up a match in them. Then like an repressesd gush of water they start to fall like a fountain.

He moves his fingertips on my cheeks. It makes me cry even more. How can I want him like this? Why? The pain in my chest erupts like a volcano.

He takes a deep breath then tilt my face upwards making me look into his deep blue ocean. " Do you think you are an excursion for me?"

My heart tossels down to my stomach and I can't stop but cry in whimpers. He grabs me and pushes my face into his chest. " Do you know I would do anything, anything to go back and change that day."

Embarrassment takes over me. So I push back. But he holds me in his chest like a vine. " You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen. Ever Kimberly. "

This time when I push back, he lets me.
" You don't need to lie. Or flatter me " I say in indignation.

" Look at me in the eye and then say if you think I am lying. I was just a child then. " His eyes close, his brows furrowed. " I was just a kid, Kimberly. I didn't know what beautiful was. I am sorry, I am so sorry that I didn't say anything to stop them. And participated with them in insulting you, I was fourteen, I am ashamed of myself. I would do anything, anything if I can go back and change that day. " His eyes open, deep ocean of struggle in them.

I shake my head and give him a smile which lances straight through my sanity. " And I was pathetic enough to have sex with you after two days when you said that. How beautiful I am. "

He freezes dead in the spot his eyes turning into ice. " Don't think about yourself like that. I....we liked each other since so long. It wasn't just sex. It's not just sex I have said it thousand times to you. I.....I need you. I.... I love you dammit. That's what you want to hear right? I love you. What do you want me to do, tell me? Do you want me to apologise in front of the whole school? I will do it. Just... Just don't ....just don't."

My feets freeze on the floor. To my horror tears starts falling from his eyes. I stand befuddled, my heart squirming around, my head processing his words. My eyes burning, why...why is he crying?

I don't know what I should do so I take hesitant step towards him. My hands itch to touch his beautiful face. So I let them touch him forgetting for a moment of what I am supposed to do or not. His hands shake and cover mine. His wet face going on my neck.

" I hurt you...." He sobs on my neck. "  I hurt you so badly. I fucked you up.... I hurt you like everyone else instead of protecting you, I behaved like everything was normal.  I... I don't deserve you. "

My heart wrenches in pain. And tears start to fall again. I touch his hair and we cry like this cluched in each other's arm. Regretting our mistakes. Ruminating over what we did.

And for the first time since then, I forgive him. And most importantly I forgive myself. I forgive myself for all mistakes I have made. For all the self hatred I have inflicted towards myself over the years.

And then let it out for the first time. In a whisper like a short wind that passes from your face, fights the thousand directions and comes towards you, I let that wind pass from the deepest darkest part of my heart. " I didn't love myself. How could you?  How can I be angry with you for not fighting for me when I didn't fight for myself with me."

" No... I " he stars to say.

" Shhhh. I understand. " I move my hand soothingly through his hair and for the first time , I hug him tight, to let him know, it's okay.

To let him know we should forgive ourselves.

We should always forgive ourselves.

We should always be thankful to God, to whoever who loves us enough to make us realise that we should always, always forgive ourselves.

We deserve to forgive ourselves and others.

P.S. please tell me how you feel about this chapter.