Bigla-biglang kinilabutan si Fresia pagkapasok ng apartment. Hinagod niya ang batok. Weird. May multo ba sa apartment niya? Or was it because Richard's here with her? It's been a while since he's been here.

"Where is it?" he asked.

"Nasa closet ko. Sa pinakang-ilalim."

Sinundan niya ito sa kwarto. Richard opened her closet and retrieved the diary she was talking about. Iniikot niya ang paningin sa paligid. It's funny how in just a few months, she got to share most of herself with Bullet. Samantalang kay Richard, parang nadaan lang sa sapilitan.

Pero naaawa pa rin siya sa lalaki. After all this time, he's still in love with her. If only she can reciprocate that love...

"Don't look at me like that," seryoso nitong sabi. "Baka kapag inaya mo 'kong maging rebound, pumayag ako agad."

Bahagya itong natawa nang ngumuso siya.

"Let's go. Baka hinahanap na tayo ng parents mo."

"I'm sure they don't mind us staying out. Alam mo namang mas mahal ka pa ng mga 'yon sa 'kin." Hindi niya maiwasang mahaluan ng tampo ang sinabi. But it was not her intention to blame Richard. Dati siguro pero... parang may nag-iba ngayon.

"Gusto mo ng burger?" tanong niya.

"We just had dinner—" Umiling ito at ngumiti. "All right."

--

Sa isang maliit na burger joint sila nagpunta. He ordered two huge burgers with fries on the side saka dalawang shake. Hinati ni Richard ang burger nito. Ibinigay nito sa kanya ang kalahati.

"I know you didn't eat well earlier," he told her.

Tipid siyang ngumiti. "Thanks."

Hindi na niya sinabing hindi niya mauubos iyon dahil wala siyang masyadong gana. But it has bacon, cheese and mushrooms... so baka naman bumalik na rin ang gana niya.

"How long will you be staying with your parents?"

Nagkibit-balikat siya. "I don't know. Why do you ask?"

"Minsan kasi do'n ako natutulog. Pinapagamit nila 'yong guest room sa 'kin. But if you're going to be there for a while, then I guess I'll have to take the couch."

"Madalas kang mag-dinner sa bahay?"

Richard nodded. "Once or twice a week."

"Wow. Buti ka pa, niyayaya nila," hindi niya napigilang sabihin.

Ngumiti ito. "They wanted to invite you, but they figured that you would just decline."

So they don't even try? she thought bitterly. Sana sinubukan man lamang ng mga itong magyaya.

He must have read her thoughts because he said, "Alam mo ba, hindi ka nawawala sa usapan namin ng parents mo."

"Why? Kasama ka na rin sa pagdi-decide ng future ko?"

Richard let out a chuckle. "Galit na galit ka talaga sa parents mo, 'no?"

He doesn't understand because he's treated differently. Buong buhay niya, lahat ng desisyon niya, dikta ng mga magulang. If she's not rebellious, siguro ay gabi-gabi siyang umiiyak sa ospital, pinagsisisihang sinunod niya ang mga magulang.

But because she didn't let them run her life, they just hate her now. At least she's doing what she really loves to do.

"You know... your mom cried to me once," he told her.

Napataas ang kilay niya. "Weh?"

Tumango ito. "She acts tough around you because you're tough. But I assure you, give her a hug and she'll start crying."

Hindi niya ma-imagine. Her mother? Cry? Noon ngang namatay ang kapatid niya, kung umiyak man ito, patago lang. She always sees her mother as someone cold and apathetic. Wala nga yata itong tear ducts. O baka tuyong-tuyo lang ang mga mata nito.

"Bakit naman hindi ako magmamatigas, e hindi naman anak ang trato nila sa 'kin? I'm just a disappointment to them. I bet they wished that it was me who died instead of Fiona."

Ibinaba ni Richard ang burger. His expression changed. Mukhang nagalit yata ito sa sinabi nya.

"Why would they do that? Hindi mo ba alam kung gaanong takot at lungkot ang naramdaman ng parents mo nang mamatay si Fiona?"

"Hindi. How would I know? They never told me."

"Because you don't talk to them, Fresia. Kaya hindi mo alam na hinayaan ka na lang nilang gawin ang gusto mo dahil baka maisipan mong gawin ang ginawa ni Fiona kung ipipilit nila ang gusto nila. Hindi mo alam na palagi ka nilang kinukumusta sa 'kin tuwing magkikita-kita kami at kung gaano karami ang habilin nila bago kami mag-hiwa-hiwalay.

"Your parents are not perfect. Sa trabaho nila, mas madaling maging apathetic at detached. Your dad's a doctor. I'm sure alam mong hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay nakakapagligtas sya ng buhay. And your mother's a lawyer. Kahit may sala ang kliyente niya, kailangan nya pa rin 'yong ipagtanggol because it's her job.

"I know it's not an excuse, pero siguro nadala nila 'yong pagiging emotionless at cold sa bahay nyo. And it affected you badly. Pero sinubukan nilang bumawi sa 'yo. Ikaw lang itong ayaw umuwi at ayaw makipagkita. Ikaw itong palaging galit sa kanila. Ikaw itong palaging nag-iisip na hindi ka nila mahal."

Tuluyan na siyang nawalan ng gana. Aminado naman siyang may pagkukulang din siya. Siguro lang kasi, mas matagal 'yong panahon na nasasaktan siya. Simula pagkabata ay hindi niya naramdamang parte siya ng pamilya nila. She felt like an outcast, so she made herself the outcast.

"Remember that card you gave your aunt on Mother's Day two years ago?"

Of course, she remembers. Mother's Day noon. Instead of giving her mother a card, napagdesisyunan niyang ibigay na lamang iyon sa tiyahin na pakiramdam niya ay naging ina niya nang maraming taon.

"Your mother saw you give that card to your aunt. Alam mo bang buong gabi nyang iniyakan 'yon?"

Tinakpan niya ang mga mata. She couldn't help but cry. Sinadya niyang ibigay 'yong card sa tiyahin niya sa harap mismo ng mommy niya. She did it so she could hurt her mother, the way that she's been hurting her.

"Tuwing birthday ng parents mo, nandoon ako, nakiki-celebrate. Palagi nila akong tinatanong kung darating ka ba. Maghapon silang naghihintay ng pagbati mo. At tuwing birthday mo naman, magti-text 'yong mga 'yon sa 'yo ng kung anu-ano. They couldn't greet you because they know you'll never reply.

"They wouldn't tell you this, but they have a box at home, puro greeting cards na gusto nilang ibigay sa 'yo pero nahihiya sila dahil alam nilang napakarami nilang pagkukulang sa 'yo bilang mga magulang mo. They love you, Fresia. They just chose not to show you kasi katulad mo, pakiramdam din nila ay ni-reject mo na sila. They feel like they don't belong in your life anymore."

"Tama na..." She held up her hands. "Tama na, please..."

Hinawakan nito ang mga kamay niya. He squeezed them gently.

"Maybe it's the reason why bad things happened to you. Maybe it's a way for you to reconnect with your parents. For give them while you have the chance."

--

Mahigit isang oras yata siyang umiiyak. Kinailangang ipabalot ni Richard ang mga pagkain nila dahil nakakahiya sa ibang kumakain. Akala pa ng ilan ay ito ang nagpaiyak sa kanya.

So she cried in his car instead. Umiyak siya nang umiyak, para sa kawawang sarili at para sa mga magulang na hindi niya alam na may mabigat palang pinagdadaanan dahil sa kanya.

At nang pakiramdam niya'y naiiyak na niya lahat, nagyaya na siyang umuwi.

Yakap niya ang diary nang makarating sila sa bahay. Nasa sala ang mommy at daddy niya, nanunuod ng balita. It's already late and she's sure that the two need to get up early for work tomorrow. But it's like they were waiting for her to come home.

"Uuwi na po ako," paalam ni Richard. He waved goodbye to her parents and gave her a tight hug. "Give them a chance, okay?" he whispered before walking out the door.

Nang makaalis ito ay huminga siya nang malalim. She turned to face her parents, who were looking intently at her. Pakiramdam niya, sa maraming taon niyang nabubuhay sa mundo, iyon pa lamang ang unang beses na talagang nakita siya ng mga magulang.

Her father patted the space between them, motioning her to sit.

Alanganin siyang naupo sa pagitan ng mga magulang.

"What have you got there?" her mom asked.

Ipinakita niya ang diary na kanina pa niya yakap-yakap.

"Fiona's diary," she answered. "I don't know how to open it, though."

"I might know," her mom told her. Inilabas nito ang chain necklace na may nakasabit na isang maliit na susi. "Your sister gave this to me when..." Tumikhim ito. "This came with a letter. She told me to give this to you when you're ready. I guess this is what she meant."

Hinubad nito ang kwintas at ibinigay sa kanya. She inserted the key to the heart-shaped lock and turned it. It was the right fit. The diary opened.

Bumungad sa kanya ang isang tula. It's entitled Hide Me In A Dream World.

Hide me in a dream world.

Where the strong does not need to rust.

Where the weak does not need to crash.

Where the heart does not need to cry.

Or if they will... at least, it can survive.

Again.

Hide me in a dream world.

Where the truth does not need to strive.

Where the fight does not need to exhaust.

Where the heart does not need to die.

Or if they will... at least, it can revive.

Again.

Hide me in a dream world.

Where I can sleep.

And dream.

Again.

May pirma ng kapatid niya sa pinakang-ibaba ng pahina. There's also a date. Siguro ay iyon ang petsa kung kailan nito ginawa ang tula. She turned the page. It was a diary entry this time.

Dear Diary,

I didn't ask for this. I didn't want to be the perfect child. If only I could tell them how much I hate medicine and how I really didn't want to become a doctor. Bakit ba kasi naisipan kong magpabida sa parents ko? Ako tuloy ang naghihirap!

They know what I really want, but they killed that dream a long time ago. I really wish I could remember all the poems I wrote back when I was in grade school. Sana kahit sinunog ni mama 'yong notebook ko, may kopya pa rin ako.

Sayang, e. Naalala ko pa noon, sabi ng English teacher ko, isasali nya raw ako sa pagtula. But my parents didn't want me to join. They always tell me that I could be a great doctor. Can't I be a great poet instead?

Fi

Hindi araw-araw ang naging pagsusulat ng kapatid niya sa diary. May ilang entries na linggo o buwan ang pagitan. Mas marami rin ang tulang nakalagay sa diary. Pero kapag may entry naman, punong-puno ng hinanakit ang nakalaman doon.

She feels awkward reading her sister's diary with her parents. Tahimik lamang ang mga ito. They both know how to hide their emotions well.

"What's with the obsession with becoming a doctor?" she aksed them. "Bakit parang galit na galit kayo sa mga taong artistic at creative?"

Nagkatinginan ang dalawa. It was her dad who answered the question.

"Well, I think it goes back to your great-great-great grandparents. Ang kwento kasi sa akin ng lola mo, pintor daw ang ninuno natin. He was a poor man, but he's very talented. One day, he found his muse. She became the soul of his paintings. But her parents wanted to marry her off to a rich doctor.

"So, our ancestor made up his mind to take up medicine. It was very expensive back then. Siguro halos mamatay-matay na siya sa pagtatrabaho para lang may maipangpaaral sa sarili nya. But... he succeeded in the end. Pero kasal na 'yong babaeng gusto nya. May mga anak na rin."

"What did he do?"

"Well, he married another. At nang magkaanak sila, ipinilit nyang maging doktor ang lahat ng anak nila. It was a privilege to be a doctor at that time, so siguro... gusto rin ng mga anak nyang maging doktor sila. But it wasn't always the case. There are people, like you, who wanted to choose another career path."

So kaya pala sapilitan silang pinagdu-doktor, dahil nasawi sa pag-ibig ang ninuno niya?

"Kung sinabi ba ni Ate sa inyo na ayaw nyang maging doktor, will you let her be what she wanted to be?"

Her father sighed. "If she's as stubborn as you, siguro ay wala na kaming nagawa."

She bit her lip. She didn't know if being stubborn was a good thing. But it could have kept her sister alive. She turned to the diary and read on.

The next entry was about her.

Dear Diary,

I hate my sister. She always gets what she wants. They can't stop her from doing what she wants. I wish I could be like her.

I hope that she remains stubborn, to not let our parents break her and bend her will. Give them hell, Fresia. Show them that they can't control us both.

Learn from my mistakes. Do not let them kill the fire inside you.

Fi

"Stupid." She slapped the diary. Masakit na ang mga mata niya kaiiyak pero heto na naman siya, muling naiiyak. "You could have given them hell. Why did you quit so soon?"

Naramdaman niya ang kamay ng ama sa balikat niya. Sumandal siya rito. Ang mommy naman niya ay sumali rin sa pagkakayakap sa kanya. She heard her sniff. Richard was right. She's not as tough as she seems.

Stars

shackles and metal weights

broke her wings in flight

with scales uneven

and the juries blind

her chance turned worthless,

in disregard

on a night while she bleeds

as the world revives

why, the moon, like the stars,

glitters unbelievably bright.

The next entries were happier. Hula niya ay iyon 'yong mga panahong magkakilala na sina Fiona at Bullet. The dates match.

You

A minute sun

to light

my shadowed days.

A minute rain

to sate

my hungered existence

A minute sense

to save

my broken peace.

It was achingly bittersweet to read such sweet words from her sister. Ramdam niya ang kilig sa mga tula nito. Ramdam niya ang saya. She couldn't help but feel jealous towards the both of them. She was jealous of Bullet because he had Fiona's attention. She was also jealous of Fiona because she had Bullet for a while.

The last entry on her sister's diary hit her so hard. It says:

Dear Diary,

Just as I was about to end my life, this guy came along. I think it's a sign that I should hold on to hope that everything will be okay in the end. I want to thank the heavens for shedding me some light and giving me air to breathe.

He rescued me from drowning. I wish that someday, he could pull me out of this ocean. I could almost taste my freedom.

Fi

--

First of all, thank you for everyone who participated in the poem-making (contest-ish). I'm sorry that I did not choose any of them. It's just that, they're all about suicide and Bullet and just not what I was looking for. Please understand that I need YOU to feel that it's Fiona talking, that it's she who poured out her heart into that diary. Pero na-appreciate ko 'yong effort. Salamat at pasensya na rin kung wala po akong napili. It doesn't mean that the poems aren't good, just not right for this chapter. :(

So... saan nanggaling ang mga tulang nasa itaas?

My friend, TheCatWhoDoesntMeow, was kind enough to lend me some of her poems. They're all from her book, Art For Heartaches (nasa profile nya. Pakihanap na lang). She's a great writer and a great poet. I love all of her poems. Basahin nyo 'yan kung mahilig kayo sa tula.

I borrowed the ff. poems from her (in order of appearance): Hide Me In A Dream World, Stars, and You.