Nagising si Fresia dahil sa likot ng katabi niya. She was having a wonderful dream when she felt Bullet's elbow. Muntik pa siyang malaglag sa kama. Inis siyang bumangon at binuksan ang ilaw sa tabi niya. Pinag-iisipan niya kung gigisingin ito at pagagalitan o sisipain sa kama nang mapansin niya kung ano ang nangyayari.

Bigla siyang nanlamig nang makitang sinasakal nito ang sariling leeg.

"Bullet!" Sinubukan niyang tanggalin ang mga kamay nito mula sa pagkakasakal sa leeg nito pero masyadong mahigpit ang pagkakakapit nito. He was already turning blue.

He was having one of his nightmares and she's guessing that this is the worst one. He wasn't hurting himself before. In her desperate attempt to wake him up, she got on top of him and slapped him as hard as she could. Nang bumalikwas ito nang bangon ay kumapit siya sa balikat nito para hindi siya malaglag.

He was shaking. He looked afraid. And she wanted so badly to make his nightmares go away but she doesn't know how. Did she cause this? Siya ba ang dahilan kung bakit ito binangungot? Magkatabi na silang matulog pero bakit... bakit may ganito pa rin? Tuluyan na bang nawala ang epekto niya rito?

Hinawakan niya ito sa tigkabilang pisngi. Malikot ang mga mata nito, paikot-ikot ang tingin sa buong kwarto. "Hey... look at me," she gently spoke.

He looked at her like he was seeing her for the first time, as if realizing that this isn't a nightmare anymore, that she is real.

She made him do the breathing exercise. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Until his heart resumed its normal beat. Until he's breathing normally again.

Niyakap niya ito at hinalikan sa tuktok. "You're safe now."

--

Gusto niya itong kausapin. Gusto niyang itanong kung ano ang nasa utak nito. But Bullet was quiet. He doesn't want to talk about it. They were quiet at breakfast, which is unusual. After what happened last night, after what they shared... this isn't the aftermath that she was expecting.

Nakapanuod lamang siya habang nagkakape ito. Hindi nito ginagalaw ang pagkain sa hapag, mukhang walang gana. Maging siya ay wala ring ganang kumain dahil napakatahimik nilang dalawa.

Maya-maya ay ibinaba nito ang kape at bumuntong-hininga. Blangko ang mga mata nito nang tumingin sa dako niya.

"Do you mind if I smoke?" he asked.

Ni hindi niya alam na naninigarilyo ito. That was totally unexpected. Hindi naman sa ayaw niya sa mga taong naninigarilyo. Brandi smokes. Si Mona, minsan din. But she doesn't know that he does. He didn't even give a hint that he does. Kaya nagulat siya nang kumuha ito ng isang pakete ng sigarilyo mula sa mga gamit nito. The package was already squished, as if he had forgotten that he has those cigarettes.

Tumayo siya at binuksan ang bintana sa itaas ng lababo. Sumandal siya sa counter at pinanuod ito. He looked so stressed. Well, who wouldn't? If she had a nightmare like his, she'd be more than stressed.

"Are you going to work today?"

Kinusot nito ang mata gamit ang isang kamay at tumango. "I have to."

"Then you have to eat." She pushed the plate of food towards him. "Kahit konti lang."

Umiling ito. "Wala akong gana."

"But you have to eat." Naupo siya sa tabi nito at kinuha ang kutsara at tinidor. "Gusto mo subuan kita?"

"Wala nga akong gana!"

Bahagya siyang napalayo nang magtaas ito ng boses. "O-Okay..." Ibinaba niya ang kutsara't tinidor na hawak. "I was just trying to help."

He exhaled harshly. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to shout."

"I get it. You have a lot in your mind right now. Pero sana alam mo rin na nandito naman ako, handang makinig."

Umiling ito. "You wouldn't understand."

That stung. It's like he wasn't even trying. Masama ba'ng sumubok? He already assumed that she wouldn't understand. Alam niya sa sarili niyang kaya niyang umintindi. She might be new to this kind of feeling and she might not even be an expert in relationships, but she knows her capabilities as a person. If he wouldn't trust her to understand, then why are they even here?

Hindi ba niya ito initindi noong mga panahong sinabi nito sa kanyang sa apartment lang niya ito nakakatulog nang maayos? Hindi ba niya ito inintindi noong umamin ito sa kasalanan nito kay Leila? Aren't those enough to prove to him that she'll understand?

"I'm really disappointed in you, Bullet."

"Fresia..."

He reached out for her hand but she pulled away.

"Mauna ka nang maligo. Magpapahinga lang ako." Pagkasabi'y pumasok siya ng kwarto at doon nagkulong.

--

She locked herself inside again. Bumuntong-hininga muli si Bullet. He just keeps fucking things up!

Tiningnan niya ang platong nasa harapan. Kung sana ay hindi na lamang siya nagsalita at hinayaan itong subuan siya ng pagkain, hindi sana ito galit sa kanya ngayon. Alam naman niyang gusto nitong tumulong. But he couldn't tell her what's wrong because he knew that everything will be worse if he does.

Fresia doesn't know the graveness of his secret. It could collapse the very foundation of their young relationship. Trust? He has to admit that he lacks that. He couldn't trust Fresia to understand because he knows that she won't. Kung siya ang nasa katayuan nito, magagalit din siya sa kanya.

She'll probably hate him so much that she wouldn't want to see him again after knowing the truth.

He looked at the plate again and decided to eat the food. Kahit wala siyang gana. Siguro mababawasan noon ang inis ni Fresia kapag nalaman nitong sinunod niya ang gusto nito. So he tried to eat the omelette and he almost threw up.

It tastes like shit! How did she even eat her portion without complaint? Well, maybe she doesn't want to add to your problems.

He sighed. Itinapon niya ang pagkain at saka siya naligo.

--

Pagkalabas ni Bullet mula sa banyo ay napansin agad niya ang bag niyang may lamang mga damit. Nasa labas iyon ng kwarto ni Fresia. Napamaang siya. Is she kicking him out of the apartment?

"Unbelievable," he muttered. Kinatok niya ang pintuan ng kwarto nito. "Fresia, can we talk?"

No answer. Kumatok siyang muli.

"Fresia?"

He turned the knob and was surprised to find it unlocked. Kunot-noo siyang pumasok ng kwarto. Wala si Fresia doon. But on top of the bed was a note. I went out.

She must be really angry. Kung hindi, kakatok sana ito sa banyo para magpaalam noong naliligo siya. But she just took the opportunity to go away.

Madalian siyang nagbihis at inayos ang mga gamit. Hindi niya alam kung hanggang dito na lang sila. He doesn't know if she doesn't want him anymore. But they both need space. They need to be away from each other.

Kaya umalis siyang dala ang lahat ng gamit. He'll be back. It's not the end for him. But he needs to find the courage to tell her everything. Para sa ikatatahimik ng konsensya niya.

--

Fresia came to work early. May dala siyang bihisan. Dala na rin niya ang mga gamit niya sa trabaho. Doon na siya naligo dahil maaga pa naman nang makarating siya. She was expecting Bullet to call. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang pagkakaintindi nito sa nakita nito sa apartment niya.

She was giving him a choice: either he'll be honest with her or he will lose her. Hindi niya alam kung ano ang pinili nito.

Her sister went through the same thing. Fiona suffered in silence. Mas pinili nitong manahimik kesa humingi ng tulong sa kanila. And look where it got her.

Ayaw lamang naman niyang mangyari kay Bullet ang nangyari sa kapatid niya. Pero kung hindi nito kayang magtiwala sa kanya, ano pa ang silbi niya? She can't be with him while he's keeping it all in and wasting away on his own.

--

She was disappointed when Bullet didn't call. He didn't even send her a text message. Nanatili itong tahimik hanggang gumabi, kaya naramdaman niyang hindi niya ito madadatnan pag-uwi niya sa bahay.

So she decided not to go home after work. Dumiretso siya sa cake shop ni Mona. The shop was already closed when she got there. Nagpa-late din naman kasi siya ng uwi. Ano'ng saysay ng pag-uwi nang maaga kung wala ka namang madadatnan sa apartment mo?

Sa backdoor siya dumaan at dumiretso sa itaas. Naabutan niya ang kaibigan at ang mga staff na kumakain ng cake.

"Uy, beh! Kain ka!"

Someone took a slice of cake and gave it to her. It has a written Wi on it.

"Ano'ng meron?" kunot-noo niyang tanong.

Alam niyang madalas kumain ng tirang cupcakes o cake sina Mona. Lalo na 'yong mga rejected dahil tabingi o hindi swak sa panlasa ng karamihan. But this cake looks well-made.

"Engagement cake," sagot ni Mona. "Kaso nag-cancel ng order 'yong lalaki at the last minute kasi nalaman na tinu-two time sya ni girl. Ayaw nang kunin kaya heto... more for us."

Really? Who wouldn't want a cake? Kung nagkataong na-cancel ang kasal niya, kakainin nya pa rin ang wedding cake. Sayang, e. Lalo na kung gawa ni Mona.

"Don't worry, bayad na 'yan," dagdag nito. "Bakit nga pala napadalaw ka? Ano'ng problema?"

She raised an eyebrow. "Problema agad?"

"Beh, hindi ka naman pumupunta rito kung wala kang problema."

"Uy... pumupunta kaya ako rito minsan para makikain."

"E, bakit dito ka makikikain? Di ba masarap naman 'yong boyfriend mo?" Bahagya itong natawa. "Sorry nag-auto correct ang utak ko. I mean masarap namang magluto 'yong boyfriend mo."

She tried to laugh at her joke, pero tunog-pilit kaya ngumiti na lamang siya.

"I just want to ask you something," she told her friend.

"About?"

"You and Felix."

Agad siyang humingi ng tubig nang biglang mabilaukan ang kaibigan.

"Are you okay?" tanong niya nang magbuga ito ng hangin.

"Y-Yeah..."

"So may problema nga kayo," kumento niya.

Hinila siya nito sa isang tabi. "Bakit naman iniisip mong may problema kami? Nabilaukan lang ako, may problema na agad? Hindi pwedeng may humarang lang muna sa lalamunan ko? We're fine! We're doing just fine."

She wasn't convinced. Ang defensive ng pagkakasagot nito. "Then why were you avoiding him last night?"

Kumunot ang noo ni Mona. "I wasn't avoiding him!"

"Magkatabi dapat kayo no'ng picture taking. Lumipat ka sa kabilang side. No'ng umupo sya sa tabi mo para kumain, lumayo ka. No'ng sabay kayong kukuha ng lasagna, lumipat ka sa kabila tapos spaghetti na lang ang kinuha mo," she enumerated.

"Nagkataon lang siguro," sagot nito.

"Tatlong beses na nagkataon sa isang gabi?"

"You know what? You're just reading it wrong. Nagkataon lang talaga, promise. Bakit ko naman sya iiwasan?"

"That's what I want to know."

Mona waved her hand dismissively. "Dina-divert mo lang ang usapan, e. May problema kayo ni Bullet. Ramdam ko."

"Wala," tanggi niya.

"Fine! Kung ayaw mong magsabi sa 'kin, aantayin ko na lang na ikaw ang lumapit sa 'kin while you're bawling your eyes out."

If she could sense that there's something different about her friend, then Mona surely feels the same about her. Pero dahil ayaw nilang magsabi ng problema sa isa't isa, kung saan-saan na lang napunta ang usapan nila just to divert the focus fro their problems.

When she got home, she got upset when it was still dark inside, a sign that no one was home to welcome her. Walang mabangong amoy mula sa kusina. Walang nakangiting Bullet para yumakap at humalik sa kanya.

Naluha siya nang makitang wala na ang mga gamit nito. The only reminder that he was there was the huge teddy bear in the living room. Dinala niya iyon sa kwarto para yakapin at iyakan.

In the end, Bullet chose to keep his secret. And it cost them both their relationship.