- 5th letter from Emma -

Dear, sweet Finn, my love,

I know I shouldn't be writing you and I know you probably hate my guts. But I want to try and explain why I did the things I did and I hope, after reading my explanations, you'll eventually will be able to forgive me. Because I love you and it's slowly killing me to not have you in my life at all.

I guess it's always easier to speak up after losing something. You know what they say... you only know what you had until it's gone. And you're gone and boy do I wish I could turn back time.

Do you remember the short period in which we dated? I was starting to have doubts about Jacob and like my knight in shining armour, there you were; to listen to my ranting. I never got the idea you really liked me up until that point. I always felt like you tolerated me because Cris and I used to be the best of friends. I never liked Cris – not because of who he is – because I know he is just the sweetest, kindest, somewhat oblivious person there is. But because I long knew you liked him more than what was normal.

I'm not writing you to try and make you realise you deserve way more than what Cris could offer you. We both know he's not romantic, he isn't a guy that would threat his partner like a precious gem. Neither am I writing you to convince you I would do that; be grateful to be with you, each and every day.

I'm writing you because I guess you never really understood why I didn't try harder to get you home again.

You and I both know you didn't mind not to be with your family. You hated home and the fact you only wanted to go home because you couldn't stand the idea of never seeing Cris again... Oh Finny, how much pain I felt when Jeff told me you kept ranting because you wanted to keep Cris safe. All you did, you only did for him, not even for your own safety.

I was jealous, Finny. I wanted you to look at me like that. I wanted you to think I was that special.

But instead, you used me to deceive your parents when they started doubting your sexuality. Because you never ever took a girl home. You only ever took Cris home and your parents saw the way you looked at him.

Do you remember how delighted your parents reacted when you took me home for the first time? How joyful they were because you introduced meas your girlfriend? They were so happy, Finny. Because they know we're supposed to be together and you do too. Why else would you even try to deceive them? You wouldn't do that if you wouldn't understand that it's normal to be with a girl. That it's wrong to want to be with a boy.

And then, Finny, you broke my heart. You never knew that I knew your biggest secret long before anybody else. I saw you and Nathan one night. I was out with friends and there you were, kissing him. You were supposed to date me, yet you went behind my back and kissed someone else. Not just someone else; a boy.

At first, I kept your secret safe because I knew you wouldn't survive school if anyone found out. But you lied about it to my face when I asked about it.

You told me I was the only one. You kissed me, you held me, you told me not to worry about it. And I knew right then, you were never going to admit it to me, but you were never going to be serious about me either.

It was me who told your parents, Finny. And I'm sorry, because I knew they would hate you for it. But I wanted you to feel as shitty about it as I did. But you didn't care, I guess. You just kept meeting with Nathan, with Stan, with Jeff.

Oh... Jeffrey Donaughy... He found me outside the club, crying, after I saw you and Nathan. For some reason, he told me if I ever needed help to get back at you, I should call him and he would make sure you would regret every mistake you ever made.

I was drunk, Finny. I told him everything I knew about you. How I thought you were in love with Cris, how I thought you desperately tried to hide your secret. How messed up you acted. I mean, let's face it. The fact I saw you in a club, obviously not completely sober, in the city. That was totally not you, at all. You never drank, you never went out. But there you were; like you had your secret life, not including me in it at all. I kept begging you to go out with us, to come to parties. But you always said you had to study. But you never did, did you? You went out with Nathan, or Stan, or whoever was good enough for you to hang out with, to drink with, to have fun with.

I told Jeffrey everything, and he just sat there and listened, comforted me. A complete stranger; comforting me because I felt heartbroken over you.

You already know Jeffrey was there, the night you decided to be Cris' wingman, to introduce him to Julia. Even though you wanted him yourself. That's what I like so much about you, Finny. You always, always, put others before you.

Except me.

That night we went out, I was fed up with it. Because as soon as Cris left to dance with Julia, you got moody, you started snapping at me. You acted like a jerk. You told me to leave you alone when I tried to hug you, you kept pushing me away. I felt... like shit. Unimportant. Like I didn't matter to you, at all.

And then Jeff was there, again willing to comfort me, to listen to me... and to help me.

I was drunk yet again, because that's what I did to try and forget about your constant change in attitude towards me; drink. All I wanted was for you to get a firm warning that this is not how you treat a girl. How was I supposed to know Jeff was not as nice and trustworthy as I believed he was? Every time you upset me, he was there to comfort me and for a short while I thought he maybe liked me and that's why he treated me like that. So, I confined in him, yet again, telling everything that happened between us and how you acted towards me.

He told me he could fix things, but in order for him to help me out, he wanted money. At first, I denied, because I couldn't pay someone to take revenge for me. Not someone I didn't know much about.

But then I went looking for you, and you told me you never liked me. You told me to stop following you around, to leave you alone, because we would never be a couple, not for real.

So, I told Jeff we had a deal, gave him money and he told me he would take care of it. Warned me this was our little secret.

You went missing after that. Nobody saw you after our argument. Not Julia, or her nerdy friends, not Cris, not me.

Honestly Finny, when Cris called me the next morning to ask about you, I didn't even consider the fact you were actually missing. I figured you probably slept with one of your three possible lovers again. That you'd be back home by dinner and right by Cris' side at school on Monday.

But you never showed up and I started to look for Jeff to ask him what happened between the two of you. I couldn't reach him and I couldn't find any of the guys he always hung out with whenever I saw him. Once I did find him, you were gone for over three weeks already. Jeff denied that he had anything to do with it as soon as I got a hold of him, said he had a talk with you to tell you to back off, nothing more.

I wanted to tell everything. But I couldn't, because I met Arianna. You know I met her, you know we became friends.

She told me about her brother and when she said he was probably somewhere in a ditch because he always bought drugs off of Jeff, I confronted Jeff about it. I kept pushing for him to tell me what really happened.

And he threatened to harm you if I would ever tell someone about it. He said I wanted you to stop being such a jerk and it was just as much my responsibility that you went missing.

And he's right. It was my fault you got in that situation.

But it's just as much your fault, too, Finny. You treated me like dirt. You used me to keep up your own appearance.

And to be honest, after all this time, I found out why Jeff kept interfering whenever we had a fight. He was looking for someone to blame partially. The way you acted around him, the fact you didn't mind going down on him for some stupid drugs... he was eyeing you for a while already and he dragged me into it. And I bet if he would have been arrested, he would have blamed it all on me. But Finny, my dear sweet Finny, I never wanted for you to go through any of this. I hoped Jeff would convince you I was a great catch, that you should be happy that I love you the way I do.

We can still be together Finny, once you realise I did all of it because I love you so, so much.

Please, think about it. Please realise you can't blame all of this on me. I didn't want this. All I wanted was you. All I still want is you Finny. You complete me, you get out the best in me. You make me happy, you brighten each and every day.

And I want to do the same for you.

Let me know if you could ever forgive me,

I love you, Finny

Emma