- Sunday, October 22nd -

After giving a statement to the police about what happened and a quick medical check-up, both Finnley and I were allowed to go home again. I remember the silence that lingered in between us every second we'd been sitting in the same room, waiting for one person or another.

He didn't dare to look at me, I didn't feel like looking at him. Because every time I did, I remembered the way he was kissing Oliver, the way we fought, the way he hurt my feelings again. Before, I never was too sure about my right to be angry over anything, because we never really talked about our feelings for each other. Besides, it had been complete strangers I got pissed about back then.

But this time around he not only knew damn well I am deeply, madly in love with him, he also decided to screw me over behind my back with none other than Oliver fucking Mackenzie. I simply hate Oliver more than ever, maybe even more than I hate Jeffrey. Because I hate the fact Oliver is always lingering on the side-line, waiting for me and Finnley to have a falling out, only for him to reclaim his place as Finnley's support system, best friend and apparently his fuck buddy.

I couldn't catch my sleep at all tonight and I've heard Nathan and Stan bicker over the fact Stan left me on my own while Nathan went to call a cab. Nathan kept repeating he was supposed to watch me.

Eventually the argument stopped and they silenced, probably both fuming in anger in silence. Maybe even staring daggers at each other.

I have no idea, but even with them silencing, I couldn't sleep. Because I feel so hurt over the fact Finnley wanted to go away with Oliver at the party, after an intense make out session.

I feel like everything is again falling apart, with him hurting me, Ahmed trying to get to me when I had one short moment I wasn't paying attention to my surroundings and now I'm constantly scanning the streets because I feel like Jeff could be lingering around somewhere.

I really try to keep my sanity here, but after hours of overthinking everything, I still felt restless and scared.

I eventually got out of bed around 7 in the morning, forcing some breakfast down my throat, before I go into the study room and decide to do some homework since I can't sleep anyway.

When I hear footsteps in the living room I look at the time, noticing I've been seated here for about an hour. I head out, deciding on getting myself a drink, walking in on Nathan, who jumps in surprise when he notices me. His face flushes instantly, like he's hiding something.

"Why are you out of bed this early? You never get out before 10."

"I couldn't sleep, why, am I interrupting something?" I cock a brow, passing him on my way to the kitchen.

When I walk back out with a bottle of water, I freeze in my spot, staring at Stan, who just walked in from the hallway in nothing but boxers.

"Well, this is awkward." He mumbles, stopping dead in his tracks, while still halfway into stretching, which I know he does after he just woke up.

"Did I miss something here?" I send them a questioning look, both of them acting off, faces flushing because of my question. "I'm not stupid, you know." I nonchalantly tell them, passing them on my way to the living room.

"Nobody said you're stupid." Stan chuckles, acting more comfortable than Nathan, even though I already knew Nathan had a thing for Stan.

"I'm just relieved Nathan finally took the first step."

"Actually, that was Stan..." Nathan scratches the back of his head. "Soo..." he drags out the word a bit, still acting awkward. "You don't mind?"

"Nope." I shrug, really not feel like caring about it at all. Why would I care anyway? It's not like I still have feelings for Stan.

"Cool." Stan grins, flopping down on the couch next to me. "So, how are you? You look shitty."

"I feel shitty too," I murmur, staring at my hands. "I feel like I'm falling apart and I don't know how to stop it."

"Well, what's bothering you most? Finn, or the fact Ahmed nearly attacked you?"

"Both." I grumble. "I feel like Jeff might be around constantly, I want Finn but I don't want him either. I don't want him to hurt me like this anymore. I want him to fight for me too, you know?"

"Maybe you need a break, from everything." Nathan finally relaxed a bit, sitting down on the other couch, staring at me with worry. "A lot changed in the past two months and maybe it's just too much right now."

"What do you suggest? I still have school."

"Go home, to your parents, you have vacation next week anyway."

"Is there anything important in school this week?" Stan frowns. "You haven't missed a class yet, right?"

"I missed some on Monday because I didn't go back to class the day the police came to tell me about Jeff and Ahmed." I shrug.

"In that case, I suggest you go pack your bags. We'll leave Monday after school." Nathan smiles. "I was already planning on going home next week to see my parents. We'll drive together."

"You'd take a week off just because I feel a little shitty and heartbroken?"

"I'm taking off the week because one of my best friends needs to recollect his thoughts and feelings and could use a bit of motherly love and pampering." Nathan chuckles. "I only have some classes on Friday, which I can easily skip right now. Besides, after Ahmed showing up, I'm not gonna let you go home on your own."

"Really? You'd do that for me?"

"Off course, that's what we're friends for, right?"

"I guess," I mutter, slumping down on the couch a bit. "Thanks Nate, I appreciate your support."

"Hey! What about mine?" Stan pulls me in his arms, pecking kisses all over my head. "I'm always there to give you some love."

"Hey, watch it, Nathan might become jealous." I chuckle because of his goofiness.

"Nah, you can have him for now." Nathan waves us away dismissively. "He gave me enough attention already."

I frown and he smirks. Stan laughs softly, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

* * * * *

I haven't seen Finnley since the night of the party. On Monday, I avoided him and Oliver at school, eating lunch in an empty classroom with Paul and Sam keeping me company. We also took detours to avoid passing the classes Finnley was supposedly in and I waited to leave school until I saw him leave first. Sam was able to tell me he looks kind of stressed and like a sleepless zombie. At least I'm not the only one falling apart over everything.

Sam reassured me he would keep me updated on important things and the teachers don't know any better than the fact I'm taking a week off because of what happened with Ahmed. They don't need to know I'm also suffering from heartbreak due to Finnley's recent actions.

The second week we had vacation and I didn't have anything on my mind besides studying for tests that I wasn't planning on studying for anyway. I'm having trouble sleeping, I constantly feel paranoid, thinking I see Jeffrey everywhere I go. Nathan kept me company for the most part. He went out with his parents and brother twice, they all came over for dinner once and for the rest he's been trying to distract me by doing fun stuff. We went to an amusement along with Jaimie, Felix, Julia and Stan. But it only made me feel worse, because since Stan and Nathan slept together, they've been closer than ever. Since Julia and Felix are a couple too, I only felt lonelier and shittier since I have no one besides my friends. I wanted to do all these things with Finn by my side, not with Jaimie keeping me company because Felix and Julia are in a relationship, and Stan and Nathan are at least interested in each other and not afraid to hide it.

I keep lying awake in bed at night, overthinking everything that has happened between Finnley and me, always ending up crying over the happy moments we shared, recently and years ago when we were simply best friends and thick as thieves. Nobody was ever able to get between us.

And now look at us; not even talking to each other half of the time.

"Don't you think it would help you to talk to someone?" Mom is cooking dinner, while I'm seated at the dinner table with my notes for an upcoming exam in front of me, not at all focused or taking in any of the information.

"I am talking."

"To Nathan and Stan." She smiles at me. "Which is good, but I was talking about a psychologist."

"Nathan is studying psychology. What's the difference?"

"First of all, he hasn't gotten a diploma yet, secondly, he might not always be as objective as someone who doesn't know you or your friends." She turns around to look at me with sad, worried eyes. "You don't look that good, sweety. Your father and I are worried."

"Don't be." I force a smile on my face. "I'm just tired and stressed a bit. But I'm fine." I look at here, noticing her eyes scanning my face for a reason not to believe me, before they end on the small device with the panic button that is currently beside me on the table. I'm really sick and tired of constantly having to take it with me, of having to watch out. To not be allowed to go out on my own. Because I had multiple moments, mostly early in the morning, I thought about going out for a run, only to realize I have to take someone with me just in case. Even despite the panic button no one allows me to be on my own ever since Ahmed got arrested after nearly attacking me, and trying to choke Finnley.

I still don't like Oliver. But I was thankful for him to be there to help Finnley that night.

"Well, maybe one conversation with a psychologist wouldn't hurt you. Just try, maybe it helps."

"I'm not going to a psychologist, mom," I groan, rolling my eyes. "Honestly, you know I feel crappy because of Finnley too. It's normal to feel shitty when you see your crush kissing someone else."

She takes in a deep breath, obviously disagreeing with Finnley's actions. By now I told my parents that it isn't solely the fact I'm scared for Jeff that got me stressed and worried. I admitted to them it's mostly because I feel sick because of what Finnley did.

It really didn't help that I ran into his mother in the supermarket last weekend, when I was helping my dad to get groceries.

Her disapproving way of looking at me, the clicking with her tongue, pulling up her nose like I'm dirt. I hate her judgemental being. I hate to be reminded of the fact Finnley is messed up, not just because he got abducted, forced to do things against his will, but also because his mother said he should have choose to die with honour rather than sleep with men.

Because she forced him to move in with his aunt because she couldn't accept him for who he is.

And now she's also blaming me, because I was openly dating Stan back then, giving off the wrong signal.

"We know it's bothering you. And I do not agree with him at all. But you guys have been best friends since the age of four. You were always inseparable and now you barely talk to each other. I haven't even heard you talking about him all summer, only for you to come home now, telling me he broke your heart."

"we had a fight during summer," I mutter. I haven't told my parents why I got home sooner the day I left Finnley on the train station. I simply couldn't admit to them Finnley was still renting his body.

"Cris, does he even know how you feel about him?"

"Yes, he does. I told him, and we even had an official date... It was great, but then he got mad a couple of days later, telling me he didn't want to be my best friend anymore. That same night I saw him with Oliver." I still spit out the name like its poisoned.

My mom sends me a weird look. "But dating is not about being best friends, it's about being together or not."

"But we got to the subject of best friends because I told him I still consider him as my best friend."

She frowns, crossing her arms.

"It's really stupid mom." I sigh deeply. "That same night when I told him it hurts like hell to see him with Oliver he again changed his mind, and told me he's in love with me. It's just really confusing to have him push me away, and then pull me back in the next time."

"Did it ever occur to you that he might have misunderstood you when you told him you consider him as your best friend?" She sits down in front of me. "Did you consider the fact he might have believed you meant that you only see him as your best friend, instead of your potential boyfriend?"

"I..." Well, it did cross my mind after he asked me what he is to me after the party. "Maybe. But it still doesn't justify him going behind my back, kissing Oliver. He could have asked, right?"

"Like you could have asked him why he got mad instead of letting him walk away?"

"He never answers when I ask him those questions, mom."

"Well, maybe you should push a little harder. Keep showing him you don't mind what the answer is, that you just want to understand him? I really think it's miscommunication and you guys should talk about everything that is holding you back to be together. Tell him why you haven't acted on your feelings besides one date. And ask him why he hasn't been clear about his intentions either."

Not just one date. I've been kissing him, a lot, too. Why haven't I acted on my feelings anyway? I know I'm afraid he'd turn me down. But on the other hand, he's been telling me all the same things I've been telling him, right? When I said I was in love, he told me he was deeper in love. When I asked him on a date he didn't hesitate to say yes. He's been seeking physical contact more than ever.

I hit my head on the table, crying out over my own stupidity. Did I give him a wrong signal by claiming I consider him as my best friend? What if Iam the reason for everything to fall apart, instead of him?

Maybe I should just ignore the fear of a rejection and tell him what I want, without hesitation, just straight to the point.

Because I do want him to be my boyfriend.

I want to marry him.

I want to adopt kids with him.

I want all of it and more.

A happily ever after and whatnot.

I want Finnley, whatever I keep telling myself.