"Amanda, I'm serious. We have to leave now," Matt said.

I sat in my own room with no one but Tara to keep me company.

"Do you hear this bullshit? They actually want me to go to that bitch's calling hours. Ha. I don't support weak people who can't handle life and ruin everyone else's lives while they're at it," I said to the tarantula.

She didn't reply.

"Are you talking to yourself again?" Matt asked.

"No. Only weird people do that," I replied.

"Is she coming?" I heard Viktor ask.

"I'm trying to convince her to. She's pissed, though," Matt replied.

"Oh." Viktor fell quiet for a moment, then spoke again. "Why is she so mad?"

"She thinks Caroline ruined everything, and she's not exactly wrong there. They were similar, but there's one major difference between the two. Amanda can take responsibility for her actions and try to fix her mistakes, but Caroline blamed everyone else and took the easy way out."

I smiled.

Matt nailed my thoughts perfectly.

The only thing was that he completely ignored the fact that she treated Drew horribly, was only nice to me when it benefited her, and tore Viktor down while they were dating.

Plus, with the Winterview academic dishonesty scandal, what team would possibly be willing to take a chance on Viktor?

I could have respected her if she tried to help me fix it all, but she didn't. She just quit.

She had everything going for her: she was the president of her sorority Sigma Kappa, she fought for Drew against Dr. Mann, she acted as a manager for the men's hockey team, and she knew how to get what she wanted.

All of that was canceled out just because of one horrible fucking decision.

I couldn't respect that.

"Come on, Amanda, we really have to go," Matt said again.

I shook my head. "I don't understand why I have to go to this shit. She ruined everything, and I can't forgive cowardice. She was a bully, and that's all."

"Then be the bigger person and at least go to her memorial for five fucking minutes," Matt said.

"No."

"You have to."

"I don't have to do shit, Matthew. I'm capable of making my own decisions, and I can't support someone who treated people like shit to get what she wanted."

"Then don't go for Caroline. Go for Drew," Viktor said.

I thought for a moment.

I was lonely when mom died, but I sure as hell wasn't alone. Drew certainly deserved the same kind of support.

"Don't pull on my heartstrings like that. I'm a selfish ass bitch who—"

The door finally opened, and I trailed off when both Matt and Viktor walked into my room.

"No, you're not," Viktor said.

"Why don't you hate her? She ruined everything for you," I said.

"Hating people doesn't fix anything. We just have to keep going, even though we don't want to. Maybe I just wasn't meant to play in the NHL, and I'm okay with that, as long as you are."

"I'm not. I still think you're something special."

He smiled. "Then we're going to keep trying. No one can stop us unless we let them."

I nodded.

That was pretty much true. We balanced each other's strengths and weaknesses, and together, what weakness did we have?

Maybe killing bugs. Neither one of us was willing to do that.

"Just let me get dressed, and I'll be out in a second," I said, giving in.

Viktor smiled, then he and Matt left me alone.

I threw together an outfit in two seconds, so it wasn't the prettiest, but Viktor told me I looked beautiful anyway.

I was pretty sure there were some rules against looking too fabulous at someone's calling hours, like going to a wedding and looking better than the bride.

Of course, Viktor looked damn good himself, but I kept my comments to myself about that. I certainly didn't want it to go to his head.

Matt, Viktor, Arti, and I all walked into the funeral home together after a short drive, and the parking lot had plenty of cars there.

Selfish. That was all Caroline was.

My breathing sped up, but unlike her, I got my shit together and toughed it out.

As we walked inside the building, Arti took a hold of my hand, and I let her.

"I don't want to see Drew. I won't know how to make her feel any better," she whispered to me.

"You won't be able to. That's a process that will take a long time, but eventually she'll learn to live with it. The best thing you can do is just let her know that you're here for her and offer her some support or cookies or shit," I replied.

Arti nodded. "Okay, but I don't have any cookies."

"Looks like you're gonna have to go with support, then."

"Shit. What if she cries?"

"She will. Just hug her or something."

"Being a caring person is so emotionally taxing," Arti said.

I bit my cheek. "Tell me about it."

I wasn't really sure what else either one of us could do. We had a well-deserved reputation of being a couple of cold-hearted, emotionless motherfuckers, and we never relied on such a silly thing as "emotional support." We covered up any tracks of feelings like true bitches.

Unfortunately, we also didn't really develop much empathy over the years.

The room Caroline's casket was in was filled with a flood of people, quite simply because she was involved in anything and everything. Drew stood along the wall next to Caroline's family, including her father, Coach Sullivan, but with her shoulders hunched in, Drew seemed all alone.

"Oh, fuck. Look at her. She's so—" Arti trailed off.

"You really like her, don't you?" I asked.

Arti nodded.

"Then all you need is a little courage right now, and she'll at least be your friend," I said.

"I know." She sighed. "Maybe it's better that this isn't the first time I've had to be the supportive friend in a time like this, you know?"

I took in a breath. "Don't say that."

"Sorry," she said, then looked down at the floor. "This is a little awkward."

"Yep."

"Do you need a hug?"

"I'm okay, thanks for asking though."

Even though I didn't say yes, she wrapped her arms around me.

"Is this okay? Am I being emotionally supportive?" Arti asked.

I gave a slight smile. "You're doing great."

"Okay, because this is still kinda new for me. I'm pretty much a horrible friend, but I think—" Arti continued to talk, but I stopped listening when someone caught my eye.

What the fuck was he doing here?

As he walked toward the door, I picked Arti's hands off of me, then said, "I'll be right back."

"Where are you going?" Arti asked. "We still have to be all supportive and shit."

I made sure Matt and Viktor were distracted by their conversation, then backed out of the line leading to Caroline's body. "It's nothing. I just have to go kick the shit out of someone."

Dr. Mann, that old ass motherfucker.

If it weren't for him, none of this would have ever happened, and even though I didn't care for Caroline, I hated him eight thousand times more. That brought his total hatred level to eight thousand times infinity.

I followed him into the parking lot, then called out his name.

He turned around, holding his hands up defensively already. "Amanda, nice to see you."

"Cut it with the politeness. You hate me, I hate you, and we both hate Caroline. What are you doing here?"

"I came to make peace with myself. I never meant for any of this to go this far, and although she certainly deserved her fate—"

"Deserved this? She deserved to die?" I interrupted.

"That's not what I meant. I meant that she played an unfair game to get herself ahead in life, and it finally came back to bite her. Live by the sword, die by the sword."

"That's exactly the same thing as what you said two seconds ago. You literally just said that she deserved to die. What the fuck is wrong with you?" I shook my head. "Yeah, she was a bitch who used every ounce of privilege to her advantage, but don't we all? You sure as hell do."

He took a couple steps in my direction, and I took a half-step back just in case.

"An authoritative figure who used his power to take advantage of a young woman who just wanted to hear what you had to teach. Sure, Caroline fucked up grades and cheated the system, but you're a million times worse. You fucked up a person. How can you even live with yourself?" I asked.

Dr. Mann hesitated before speaking. "This isn't about me."

"Yes, it is. You're the one who turned Caroline in."

"It's only fair. If I see—"

"No. Don't even try to explain yourself. You waited until you were burning, then you decided to set her on fire, so she could burn with you. It's not about doing what's right with you. It's about getting out of deep shit. Caroline did the same thing, but in a different way. I only wish it were you that's dead."

He stared back at me with wide eyes, then lowered his eyebrows. "You're next, you know that?"

"Next to get burned?"

He nodded.

"I already have been. Only thing is that I don't give a shit about that." I took a couple steps closer to him and jabbed my finger in his direction. "You're about to get fired, and no one's gonna hire you, hopefully. Your sick wife is going to take the hit for all of this. I hope it catches up to you eventually. I hope it tears you apart as you watch her die, just like I did with Caroline, knowing that we both could have done something to stop it all."

I didn't quite watch Caroline die, and I certainly crossed a line by bringing his wife into the conversation, but part of the reason I was in such a mess was because I tried to empathize with people. As long as Dr. Mann suffered as he burned, I would always feel the warmth of that fire.

It would have been what Caroline wanted.

"What the hell are you doing?" Matt's voice called from behind me.

I turned my head to look at him, but I didn't answer.

Matt snatched my wrist with his hand, then nudged my shoulder and pushed me back toward the building. He checked over his shoulder and forcefully escorted me back to where I was supposed to be.

"I was in the middle of a friendly conversation," I muttered.

"You honestly are going to get yourself killed like this. I swear to God, Amanda, you need to think about what you do. You can't just jump right into things like this," Matt said.

"You don't even know who I was talking to."

"I've done my research. That's that professor under investigation for fucking sexual assault, and the same one who picked on you all last semester."

Apparently he had done his research.

"I just wanted to know why he was here," I said.

"And what did that turn into? You just ran your goddamn mouth without any regard for your safety. I've had enough of you constantly putting yourself in harm's way because you don't bother to think two seconds ahead."

It was more like that I was thinking twenty steps ahead and forgot that there were a bunch of steps in between point A and point B, but I didn't say that.

"I'm sorry, but this is all I can think about anymore," I said. "I just think about the what-ifs, the hows, the whys."

"Well, stop. You need to get over this. Caroline meant nothing to you, that asshole professor's gonna get fired, hopefully get arrested, and probably die soon anyway, and you've still got plenty that you need to handle."

"I know that. I'm trying."

"Then act like it."

I pulled my wrist out of his grasp. "What more do you want from me?"

"I'm not trying to be mean, but sometimes you need some tough love. Mom's not here for that anymore, so that's left to me now."

"I don't need anything. I just want to get back to school so I have something to focus on besides this bullshit. Viktor still has to get cleared to resume any hockey activities, and once that happens, that's where one hundred percent of my focus is gonna be. All I have to do is get through this week."

Matt looked at me for a moment. "I didn't expect you to... just take that."

I shrugged. "I'm trying. I really am. Once this break is over, I'll manage just fine like I always do."

We took our spot back in line with Arti and Viktor.

But until spring break was over, I wasn't going to manage just fine like I always did. I wasn't stupid enough to believe that I could.

Not one of us said anything as we finally got to see Caroline.

Great. A dead body. Fascinating.

She was a little more cleaned up than the memory engrained in my mind, but her corpse still gave off an empty aura.

"This is just flat-out morbid," Arti finally said.

I nodded.

"Who the hell decided that looking at a dead person is a good way to get over their death?" Arti continued.

"Would you shut up and act semi-respectful at least?" Matt whispered.

"Oh, shit. Right. Gotta be supportive."

Arti, in her distress, sang a made-up song under her breath about being a good person.

The four of us walked over to where Drew and the Sullivans were standing, accepting condolences from everyone as they passed by.

I didn't know Coach Sullivan personally, but Viktor obviously did. I was sure he was an asshole, though, for expecting his daughter to put her future at risk to help the team win a few games.

Drew noticed us, then gave a small smile that trembled slightly.

"Where's the other one?" she asked. "Barbie scooter?"

"Oh, Blaine? He couldn't make it," I lied.

He just didn't want to come. I didn't blame him.

Drew nodded. "Oh. Well, thank you guys for coming. I know you had your ups and down with Caroline, but this would've meant a lot to her."

"Of course. How are you?" Viktor asked.

"I'll be okay eventually, but this is a lot to handle right now, you know? She was my only friend, and it's sad that it ended like this. She lost everything and left us to deal with the mess. I was always afraid that it would."

I bit my cheek. I wasn't really sure what I could say.

When Caroline went shopping with Viktor and me, Drew texted me saying that she was worried Caroline had done something stupid. She had to have meant this.

And later, when I talked to Caroline about Drew, Caroline told me that she'd leave me with something useful by telling me to sign my name to Drew.

I couldn't believe that I just missed the part where she said she'd leave.

I tilted my face up to Drew, then gave a small smile. "She's not your only friend now. You've got someone named," I switched into American sign language, "Amanda."

Drew's eyes sparkled as she brought her hands up to cover them.

"I'm not really sure what she said there, but I'm gonna slap a 'ditto' on that. You've got me, too," Arti said.

Drew smiled and brushed a tear from her face. "That really means a lot, you two. Thank you."

Arti gave Drew's hand one last squeeze as we said goodbye and left.

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Hey everyone! Thank you so much for your patience with this update. I needed a bit longer to recover than expected due to some complications during the surgery, but I'm all good now pretty much. (I actually tried to write while I was high as a kite on pain meds, and Amanda's potty mouth was about ten thousand times worse than usual. Whoops.) Thank you for all the well wishes!