Churches were never my thing. They were elegant, grand, a beacon of hope for those who had none. I couldn't be more different, more out of place somewhere like that.

I liked to believe God was like me, just a regular person who took whatever he wanted, damning the consequences with a smile. He didn't belong in that elegant house any more than I did. But my vision contradicted the merciful deity depicted in the stained-glass windows that colored the morning light in the church. I didn't care. I liked my God better.

As we walked out of the church to head to the cemetery just across the street, my heels clicked the marble stairs, and Viktor grabbed my hand.

He had returned to Minnesota a week early for Mom's funeral, and I couldn't muster the energy to pretend that his presence wasn't comforting. He may have been Matt's best friend, but he held a special place in my heart. He was one of mine as well.

I looked up at him and threaded my fingers through his, and a sense of warmth spread across my hand. "For what it's worth, I'm happy to see you."

"The circumstances are horrible, though. I'm so sorry," he replied.

"It sucks just as much for you as it does for me, I'm sure."

"I'm sure it doesn't. I can't understand or imagine what's going on in your heart right now."

I forced a smile. "Use that emotional intelligence you always tried to find in me."

"I wish I could, but this is so far from anything I've been through," he said.

"You know what's the worst part of it all?"

He looked down at me, studying my tearless eyes with his sparkly blue ones. "What?"

"The way that I see everyone around me suffering, and I can't help them. I can't sympathize with them. The triplets are all a wreck, and I can't even handle that. I'm just sitting here, keeping to myself."

"You're not normally the one to provide emotional support, you know."

"I know that. But I'm struggling the least, and it makes me... I don't know how to put it. It makes me feel guilty. My mother's dead, and I haven't shed a single goddamn tear."

"You're not suffering the least. Just because other people show it more, it doesn't discount the way that you're hurting."

We glanced both ways as we crossed the street, even though a group of people was already in the middle of the road.

"But I figured out how to fix that feeling, so at least I have that going for me," I continued.

Viktor frowned. "There's nothing to fix, Amanda. Your emotions are valid."

"You're going to hate me for this plan, though."

He stopped walking and stood in front of me, taking my other hand. "There's nothing that you can do that'll make me hate you. If I haven't ever before, what in the world could you do to change my mind now?"

I parted my lips slightly and searched for the words I wanted. "I could go back on a promise I made."

"What promise?"

"I'm not going to Winterview this year. I can't."

"What are you talking about? You have to."

"How can I? I know loyalty is a foreign concept to you, but I can't just leave the triplets with Dad, who's never even home. I mean, money's not going to be an issue, but they've had so many changes thrown at them so quickly, and they're only nine. It's a lot for me to handle, so it has to be ten times worse for them."

"If money isn't a problem, he can just hire someone to watch the triplets."

"Put yourself in their shoes for a second. Could you handle a stranger barging into your life, replacing your mother?" I asked.

He shook his head. "Probably not."

"They're too young for this shit, Viktor. They're way too young to know how much death can fuck a person up. And if there's anything I can do to diminish that, then that's what I'll do."

He shook his head, and I noticed the sparkles in his eyes finally fall down his face. "I always knew you were one of the most selfless people. I just didn't want it to burn me."

"It's not entirely selfless, and you'll be fine without me. You made it just fine last year."

"Did I? Did I really? Because if you can say that so confidently, I wish you could have seen the way I didn't get along with the hockey team because you weren't there to keep me in check. I wish you could have seen the way I kept myself awake at night."

"Stop trying to guilt me into leaving them. Your weakness has nothing to do with me."

"You are my weakness, Amanda."

"Would you stop talking like that? I don't ever know what to say. I shouldn't even listen to you when you say stuff like that."

He wrapped his arm around me, pulling me close to his body.

"It's too hot and emotional for that shit," I muttered, but I didn't push myself away. It was supposed to be hot outside, but I was cold. Freezing.

"You're much more than you ever give yourself credit for. It hurts me. I'd be nothing without you," he said.

I forced a small laugh. "I think I'm great."

"You're better than great. You're perfect, with a few minor flaws."

"That makes no sense whatsoever."

"It makes perfect sense, Amanda. Just trust me." He hesitated. "What's your favorite memory of your mother?"

I bit my cheek, taken aback by the sudden change in conversation. "There's not a single one I value the most. It's the conglomeration of memories. The way she lectured me when I was rude, the way she fussed over me when I had my concussion, the way she was everything I wanted to be, but never could."

"That's so sweet."

"And I wish there was more I could say, but I just can't find anything in me to truly capture what's going on in my mind."

"Have you tried art?"

"Fuck no. I can't even tell the difference between magenta and scarlet."

He gave me a sad smile. "What about photography? Sculpting? Music?"

"Those are all still art, and I suck at anything creative. I'm a logician with horrible control over my emotions."

"There's nothing more honest and direct than unfiltered emotions. The sooner you learn that, the happier you'll be."

"I'll be okay once we get this ceremony over with." I shook my head and looked down at the ground.

He didn't say anything. He just pulled me even closer.

I wiped my eyes, surprised to find the tears I had been looking for. I let out a breath and leaned in to Viktor, and we didn't say anything else for the rest of the ceremony.

***

"Amanda, I swear to God, I'll open this door if you don't answer me. I don't even care," Blaine's voice said from the opposite side of the bathroom door.

I swooshed the water around me. It was beginning to get uncomfortably cold, so I turned on the bath faucet and let the heat diffuse into the rest of the water.

"Just let her go. She doesn't want to be bothered," Viktor said.

"Well, she has to come out of there eventually. We can just wait," Matt said.

"I'm so bored. Can we get food?" Arti asked.

"Go home. No one even likes you," I heard Matt say.

"Fuck you. Everyone likes me. I'm cute," Arti replied.

"Let's take a poll. Raise your hand if you don't like Arti."

I took a sip of my cocoa, the mug cold against my red, pruny skin.

Arti scoffed. "Fuck all three of you. Viktor, I thought we had something."

"Did we really?" Viktor asked.

"Would you guys shut up?" Blaine let out a sigh. "Amanda's all alone and sad in there. And I know she hears every word I'm saying, but she's just being obstinate." He almost shouted the last part, then knocked a few more times on the door.

I smiled.

"I'm opening up the door. Everyone avert your eyes," Blaine said.

"What if she's naked?" Viktor asked.

"I will be genuinely shocked at the sight of that, because I've definitely never seen it before," Blaine said, and I could hear him rolling his eyes.

I couldn't stop my laughter from escaping.

"Ha! I heard you!" Blaine said.

"No, you didn't," I replied quickly.

"Can I open the door?" he asked.

"Go ahead. Let's make it a bathroom party. Everyone and their neighbor is invited."

"I love parties," I heard Viktor say as Blaine opened up the door.

Blaine stopped and looked at me. "Are you wearing footie pajamas in the bath?"

I lifted up my leg, and water dripped from the fuzzy material. "You bet I am."

"But now they're soaking wet. Why would you do that?" Viktor asked.

"You gotta do everything at least one for the experience."

Viktor raised an eyebrow. "Like taking a bath in pajamas?"

"It's very enjoyable, I'll have you know." I sunk lower into the water. "If anyone wants to join me, you're more than welcome."

"Fuck yeah," Blaine said.

"Stop it. She's clearly in distress, and you're just-" Viktor trailed off, searching for the right word.

"Enabling her odd behavior," Matt finished his thought.

Viktor nodded. "Exactly."

"And what's the problem with that?" I asked.

"The problem is that you're channeling your sorrow in strange ways. A normal person would just cry, and there you are, bathing in your pajamas," Matt said.

"Mom got them for me for Christmas."

"Hm," Viktor muttered.

Arti smiled. "They're super cute, though."

I smiled back at her, then scooted over to make room for Blaine, who climbed in the bathtub, fully clothed.

"Shit, it's so hot," he muttered.

I smiled. "It's because I'm in here."

"My skin is melting off. I might actually die," he continued.

"I'm sure you'll find some way to survive."

"I'm leaving this party. It's lame. There's no fucking alcohol," Matt said and turned for the door.

"Wait! There's hot cocoa with a shit ton of marshmallows, which kind of has the same effect," I said, holding up my mug. I looked inside the mug, and the marshmallows were melted, and there were a few bubbles from the bubble bath in there. I didn't know how they got in there.

I fished the bubbles out with my hand and took a sip.

It tasted like soap anyway.

Blaine turned to me. "How are you doing?"

"I'm fucking bathing in my pajamas. Fill in the blanks for yourself."

"I know. But it will get better, so just hold on to that."

I looked down at the mug I held. "Yeah."

"Hey, just remember, you start college next week, so this part of your life will be behind you."

"Yeah, well, there's been a minor change of plan."

"Fuck, Amanda, please don't tell me you're thinking about taking time off of school. You can't. You've paid for pretty much everything by now, I'm sure."

"I mean, it's only a thousand dollars for books, five hundred dollars in other fees, and the twenty dollar fee to pay all the fucking fees, not even counting what I could pay of tuition, plus room and board, but-"

"You need to think this through, Amanda. You can't just suddenly-"

I lowered my eyelids. "Don't interrupt me, Blaine. I'm doing what I think is right, and that's it. There's nothing anyone can do change my mind."

"How is this right? You're just dropping out before you even start anything."

"I have three little sisters who lost their mother, too. Don't forget about them."

He paused for a second and thought. "I'd probably do the same thing in your shoes, honestly. It just pisses me off that you're getting screwed again because of shit that's completely out of your control."

"Not as pissed as I am, I can guarantee you that."

"Wait, what? You're seriously considering this?" Matt asked.

I looked up at him, Arti, and Viktor. I had forgotten they were there.

I gave them all a tight-lipped smile. "You heard it here first, folks. I'm not going to college. Well, at least, not now."

"That's not going to fly. You've worked too hard and overcome so much to not get the chance to go," Matt said.

"Winterview accepts literally everyone. My suspension was the least of their concerns, I'm sure."

"Not just that. Your GPA and ACT score are freaking amazing. Why the hell shouldn't you have this opportunity?"

"Matt, it's fine. I'll get to it eventually, but right now, that's not possible. With the triplets starting fourth grade and Dad busy with work, they can't run this place without me. Hell, the triplets can't even watch the Discovery Channel without freaking out about the reproductive shit. They're too young to be by themselves all the time."

"And that's why I'll stay instead. I don't know what I'm doing, but you have a vision. You have goals, somewhere you'd like to get. I don't. I'm just figuring this out still."

"Don't be fucking ridiculous. You can't even make toast."

He shook his head. "I can handle myself just as well as you. In fact, one may make the case that I'd be the better option, since I'm not bathing in my clothes right now."

I turned to Viktor. "What do you think?"

"I feel like I should leave this to you. This doesn't really have anything to do with me," Viktor said.

I rolled my eyes. "Don't be a sheep. Pick a side."

"Why don't you ask Arti and Blaine?"

"I think you guys should just hire someone to take care of the triplets. It's a win-win for both of you," Blaine said.

"You can't do that," Arti said. "Those kids need something familiar to hold on to."

I nodded. "My point exactly. Settle this for us, Vik. What do you think? Who would be the better option to stay?"

"Wait. Whatever he says, do you agree to it, Amanda?" Matt asked.

I took a deep breath before nodding. "What Viktor says, goes. I trust him."

Both Matt and I turned to Viktor.

"Don't make me choose, please. I can't. Don't you guys have family around here? They can help with the triplets, I'm sure."

Matt shook his head. "They're an hour away, so that's not feasible. Viktor, just pick."

Viktor glanced over at Blaine. "Help me out?"

Blaine gave a light shrug. "I know what I'd pick. Those triplets love her. They need her."

Viktor looked over at Arti.

She nodded. "The idiot's right."

I shut my eyes and hoped he'd be the sheep I knew and loved, just following the herd.

"Candy Cane, I'm sorry, but I need you. I can't let you just stay here. You have to come to Winterview with me," Viktor said.

I opened my eyes. "What the fuck?"

He shook his head quickly. "I can't go somewhere without you again. Matt can stay and watch the triplets. It's so selfish of me, but I need you."

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Thank you for reading! Don't forget to comment and vote! I really appreciate you, you beautiful human!

So Viktor's made up his mind. Will Amanda and Matt stick to their word?