"Look who finally showed up!" I heard a high voice shriek.

We had just walked in the door, and people were already excited about Viktor. I knew he was well-liked, but I figured we would have had more than one second of freedom.

Caroline pushed her way through a few bodies, and then smiled at me. "Amanda, how are you?"

I rose my eyebrows in surprise. "Um, I'm okay."

She looked over at Viktor. "I don't remember telling you that you could just bring whoever the fuck you wanted."

"It's a sorority party. There are plenty of uninvited people here already, I suppose."

She glared at him, studying him from his feet to his face.

Viktor smiled. "Hi, I'm Viktor."

She didn't smile back, and Viktor's smile faded away.

I crossed my arms. "Is there an issue?"

Viktor put his hand on my shoulder. "Amanda, I can just go."

"Considering this is an all-girls thing, that'd probably be for the best," Caroline said.

"Oh, that clears a lot of stuff up. I'll go, then. Have fun, Candy Cane." Viktor gave my shoulder a squeeze, then turned for the door.

"That was my fault. Sorry," Caroline said. "Probably should have clarified without getting all catty."

I nodded. "Yeah, that would have made things a little better."

"Wait, hold up," I heard a familiar male say.

I knew that brash voice all too well. David Koehler. I had listened to him for years, since he was Matt's American best friend and the captain of my high school's hockey team.

Viktor looked up at the source of the noise, just before he left, and his face lit up when he saw David.

"Viktor's chill. He's one of us," David said.

"Ah, yes. Girls only, plus David," I muttered.

"Oh, is he?" Caroline asked.

"Yep." David ran his hand through his hair. "He's kind of a big deal, too."

"Then why didn't I know?"

He shrugged. "Eh, he gets overlooked since he's not the 'flashy' type of player. But damn, he's gonna be the one that gets drafted. Not bad on the power play, and scores a bunch of ugly goals."

There were already several players on Winterview's team that had been drafted into the NHL. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence.

Viktor smiled, then walked back over to us.

"So you play hockey?" Caroline asked Viktor.

Viktor nodded. "A little."

I could tell by the look on his face that something wasn't quite right with him. It was the same spaced-out look he gave Arti when he first laid eyes on her.

Caroline smiled. "And you're gonna go pro?"

"I'm hoping I'll get the chance. Amanda is trying to give me the best chance at it."

"And your accent?"

"Swedish," Viktor said.

"It's cute." She smiled. "Why don't you tell me more about yourself from the comfort of somewhere not here?"

"I'm not that interesting of a per—" Viktor began, but Caroline grabbed his hand and took him somewhere only God knew.

I chuckled. Viktor always had a thing for straight-up, forward girls.

"That just isn't fair." David laughed. "He didn't even have to say much. That's the power of being a foreign athlete, I guess."

I nodded.

David continued to talk. "So how's your brother?"

"He's at home, kind of taking care of the triplets. He's doing his best, but I think it's beginning to take a toll on him."

David frowned. "Yeah. He's such a good dude. It just sucks that he was forced into it."

"He wasn't forced into it. He forced me out of it." I looked down at my feet. "He's more cut out for this kind of life, and I'd be a thousand times happier back at home. Shit, that sounded whiny. Oh my god."

He laughed. "Just a little."

"Sorry. I'll pull my shit together."

He ruffled my hair, just like he used to. "Nah, kiddo. Don't worry about it. It's tough, but you're tougher."

I smiled as I brushed my hair back into place.

He smiled back. "I'll catch you later, but make sure you take care of yourself and Viktor, 'kay?"

"Wait," I said. "Do you think you could get drafted?"

He chuckled. "I've been trying the past couple years. If it hasn't happened yet, I'm not naïve enough to think it will."

I frowned. "You want me to start an Instagram account for you?"

"Don't worry about it, Little Janye. From what Caroline's loud mouth has told me, you've got enough on your plate already."

What he said wasn't false, so I just smiled. "Stay healthy, okay? I want to see some goals from you."

"You got it, kid. Next one's for you."

I smiled. I never would tell Matt, but I always liked his friends.

And perhaps David knew me better than I thought. With a job, classes, Dr. Mann, a not-so-ex-boyfriend in Texas, a best friend in California, Viktor's career, and the leftovers of the triplets' chaos, I had plenty to do.

***

Viktor eventually returned, and I was slightly pissed off.

He blatantly broke Rule #2 by leaving me, especially since he couldn't even tell Caroline to back the fuck off. I wasn't even sure that he wanted to, which only irritated me even more.

We went back to our dorms, and I didn't dare to say a word to Viktor. I was afraid something stupid would come out.

I flopped down on my bed, and Jackie looked up from her laptop at me.

"You dramatically fell onto your bed," she said.

"I did indeed," I replied. "Why are you even awake? It's, like, three in the morning."

She shrugged. "Sometimes I just don't feel like sleeping."

"You're gonna regret that in the morning."

"Probably."

"What are you doing, anyway?" I asked.

"I was trying to write a paper for my English comp class, but now I'm watching Drake and Josh."

"Seriously?"

She nodded. "Wanna watch with me?"

"Fuck yeah." I climbed up on her bed next to her. "When's your paper due?"

"Tomorrow at midnight."

I laughed. "Nice."

I curled up next to her, and we both watched Drake and Josh (which was my fourth favorite TV show growing up, right after Big Time Rush, Hannah Montana, and Mythbusters) until we fell asleep.

***

I stabbed my cereal with a spoon. It wasn't very effective, and it certainly didn't accomplish anything, but it was about all I could do.

In that moment, there was no one I hated more than him, besides myself for missing him too much.

Lukas didn't compare. Eleanor didn't compare. No one could make me feel anything most of the time, except him.

That fucking bitch ass Swede.

It had only been a few days without him, and everything had dialed down in our house. Matt was sad but okay, Natalie was still devastated, since she was rejected by the love of her life, Leah still wore a smile, and Melissa didn't say much, just like always.

The only people who seemed to be struggling were Mom and me.

She sat down at the kitchen table, coffee mug in her hands, where Viktor used to sit. "God, who would have thought that all that time would just fly by?"

I nodded but didn't say anything.

I felt her gaze settle on me, and she didn't look away for a few moments, not even to take a sip of her coffee.

"There's nothing wrong with being sad, Amanda," she said.

"There's everything wrong with it. I'm such a mess," I said, and a lump rose in my throat.

No. No crying. He would be pissed if he caught you crying over him, Amanda.

"I have to say that I'm a little surprised with how this all turned out. I was sure you two were going to either end up dating or killing each other," she continued.

"Well, I think a lot of people expected that, but here we are."

She didn't respond to that right away. Maybe she was wondering what I expected.

I tried not to expect much from him, but that plan was quickly thrown out the window.

"You two would have made such an adorable couple," she said, chuckling slightly. "He's such a sweetheart, and you are too, but just a little deeper down."

A tear ran down my face. "We could have been a lot of things, but sometimes, that's just not the way life's supposed to go."

"And who determines that?"

"Maybe it's us. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's Maybelline. I guess we'll never know."

Her face turned stern. "That's ridiculous. There's only one person who should be making you decisions on what you think and feel, and that's you."

"Sounds like you want to get your two cents in too, Mom." I smiled, then wiped off my face, dragging just a little leftover mascara down my cheek.

She smiled and shrugged. "It's a mom instinct."

It must have been just another one of her crazy ideas. She loved to take reality and twist it just enough in her mind to make it perfect. It was why Viktor ever had the chance to come to the US.

And in that dream, Viktor and I must have been a thing too.

I didn't have the heart to tell her that I just could never be what he wanted. He liked to think that I was perfect, and all I needed were a few tweaks here and there, but I just couldn't live up to that. And I wasn't sure that he could ever live up to what I wanted.

He was just too good, too pure for me.

I was once the rainstorm that ruined his sunshine, and I didn't ever want to go back to that. I just wanted to be his umbrella. But in order to do that, I had to get drenched.

I figured Mom would understand that, but I chose not to say anything, in fear of ruining her alternate reality. There were plenty of other impossibilities in there already, and I didn't want to give her one more.

"Do you believe in fate?" Mom asked suddenly, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"To a certain extent. I think there are some things that are inevitable, but I also believe in making your own fate. Your destiny is yours, that kind of thing," I said.

"And where do you see yourself going?"

"I can't imagine myself in a life where you aren't there to tell me what to do." I laughed. "The only thing I was certain of was that I could do anything, but I don't even know if that's a possibility anymore. I'm just stuck, I guess."

She smiled. "Amanda, that's one thing you'll never have to worry about. I'll always be here for you, and even though sometimes you don't like what I have to tell you, I'll always be there to push you through whatever."

I frowned. "I know, but what am I supposed to do without Viktor? He's not dead or anything, obviously, and he shouldn't even be my concern, since he's Matt's best friend, not mine, but there's something missing now." I paused for a moment. "Yes, missing."

"I miss him too. He was just like another son to me. But I think that at every point in everyone's lives, they're missing someone. There's no point in missing someone if you don't use what they gave you, those feelings, those lessons, because if they didn't affect you enough to leave you with something, you should be able to leave them behind."

I sighed. "The problem is that Viktor's exactly that for me."

"Then use everything he left in your heart. Every last drop of it. Savor it. It's the best connection you have left."

"There's always texting, too."

She smiled and shook her head. "Then there's no excuse to get all worked up about it. You have communication with him at your fingertips."

I always liked that memory of Mom, just after Viktor left to go back to Sweden. It kept me together when I would have rather fallen apart.

And ever since she died, it showed up in my dreams every once in a while. I liked to think it was her doing.

But the same advice didn't work for Mom. She wasn't at my fingertips, and although she had left me with a million gallons of Mom Wisdom, I wasn't really sure what to do with it.

It was just like when she used to tell me, "You know what I'm talking about," when I didn't, or "You'll figure it all out eventually," when she knew that I wasn't patient enough to wait that long.

But I decided that my best option was to go with it, until it just didn't feel like me anymore.

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Hey everyone! Thank you for reading! If you liked it, please vote and comment!

So we've gotten a little piece of Amanda's motivation now. How do you think Amanda's going to handle Dr. Mann, Viktor, her job, etc.?