I wake up groggy to the sound of my alarm after getting at least two hours of sleep. My feet reach the floor as all the memories from last night hit me like a wave. I grip the edge of the bed. The pain creeps back up on me and I don't move. I breathe through it for a while before my body finally rises from the mattress. I walk into the bathroom, trying my hardest to avoid looking at the shower. Unfortunately, the mirror talks too as I'm faced with myself. I look at my figure for a while; my brain fills in the clean areas of skin with dry patches of blood. Maybe it's the lack of sleep, but it's all just dismal and numb. What I did and what happened to me... I guess the worst of it was written down in my journal last night. Maybe I can step away from it with some sort of rocky ease.

I finish up in the bathroom before walking out and looking through my drawers for some clothes. Dallon is already dressed as he now gets up for the bathroom. I don't know if I should say anything to him when he comes back out. I let the thought rest as I button my pants and slide on my shirt.

"How was your first job?" Dallon asks, walking back over to his bed.

"Well," I fabricate my feelings, "it was exhilarating."

"How did you do it?" He asks in a quieter voice.

I pause, and I try not to play the images in my head, "Knife through the chest."

"Must have been messy." He inquires.

Continuing to play my part, I chuckle, "Oh yeah."

First period is a drag, and I'm just struggling to keep my eyes open. The teacher's voice is too soothing. When the bell eventually rings, I get a knot in my stomach knowing I would see Ryan in the next period. I'm too tired to process my scrambled thoughts, but I guess my tenseness is an appropriate physical response. Finally reaching class, I make the decision to just sit near the back of the room. I can't face him right now, and I need to accept that.

For whatever reason, I'm anxiously waiting to see him walk through the door. I should just push everything to the back of my mind; zone out. There's a vigorous push and pull inside me, and maybe I should just let whatever happen, happen and question my choices later. I see him finally walking in, and he doesn't look as stone cold or dreary. He's radiating some sort of satisfaction or confidence. It looks good on him, and part of me feels like I'm responsible. That creates a deep set feeling inside that I can't find the words for, but... I like it. He sits in his regular seat before looking around the room. Trying to find me, no less. He doesn't catch eyes with mine, and it's relieving in some regards.

After that free period rolls along, it's lunch and I walk over to the club's table. I'm the first one there with Dallon trailing along not too long after. Frank and Gerard show up a few minutes later.

"First job last night, huh?" Frank asks, sitting down.

"Yeah." I say, trying to be lively with my response.

"Cool, man." He replies.

The conversation ends there since here isn't the place to continue talking about it. Josh and Tyler eventually show up and stay quiet together like usual. The wait for Ryan keeps me at the edge of my seat. I mindlessly take out my phone since I can't pay attention to much of anything else. I eventually hear someone approach and I hold my breath. The bench creeks and out of the corner of my eye I see Ryan sit down next to Dallon. I let out my breath slowly and I don't look at him.

"Everything go according to plan?" Gerard asks.

I look up and notice his eyes on Ryan. The brown haired boy replies, "Yes, and Brendon did well."

I look at Ryan now and there's a light tug at the corners of his lips. The lock of his eyes onto mine is haunting and I don't know how to process his words. I avert my gaze, exhaling a forced smile before subtly biting my bottom lip. I think about the car ride there and how his expression was similar. There was a want in that moment, but the dissipation of such a feeling not that long after tears at me. The overwhelming conflict of everything could build right now if I wasn't so exhausted. The subtlety of confusion stays, but something darkly persistent nips at my heels. I know it's been there since second period.

The day continues, and through the setting sun I don't hesitate to crash early. I don't think of the repercussions of getting the sleep I need. I don't contemplate my dreams, but of course I fear what the sunshine will cast across my rested body. I have to face this shit with my eyes wide open.

I wake up after a good 8 hours and there's a tug at my chest. The usual jitters that snake through my body present themselves, but I try to get through it and prepare for the day. My thoughts keep digging at me every minute and I know I regret not bringing my anti-anxiety meds.

"Hold up." I say quietly to myself before digging through my bag. I remember I had thrown in at least one half of a Xanax along with some pre-rolled joints. The real question is where I could eventually smoke those things without getting caught. I take out the split pill and pop it in my mouth. I run over to the bathroom sink and collect some water from the faucet.

After I get my clothes on, I look through my work and notice that I didn't quite get it completed. Shit. I check the time and I have 10 minutes. I try to finish it as quickly as I can. It's a good distraction. Oh, the irony of school work keeping my sanity in tact. The pill is bound to kick in soon.

Second period and I remain in the back again. Ryan doesn't search for me this time, and somehow it disappoints me. It's a club day today, and I remember Frank telling me about the jackets. Maybe I'd get mine, but I wouldn't know how to feel about it. I would know how to react, of course. Be grateful and shit. It'll be like a badge of honor... a fucked up badge of honor.

The bell rings, and I get up to join Dallon to routinely head to the club. Sometimes I forget that with Tuesdays Ryan could just join us on the walk over. Without another thought, I stop Dallon before we get out the door.

"Maybe we should wait for Ryan." I say.

Dallon pauses before mustering, "Okay."

We both turn around and see Ryan collecting his stuff. When he gets up from his seat, he looks to us. He smiles a bit before walking over.

"Waiting on me? Considerate." He says it like it rarely happens. Dallon told me that he and Ryan were close, why wouldn't he stick by his side often?

I wonder if it's just because I'm still fairly new and that is a pattern Dallon would go back to after a while. Maybe even starting now. I don't feel as uncomfortable looking at the brown haired boy today. Maybe it's because we're not alone together and another day has passed. Maybe it's just the Xanax. Well, whatever it is, the 3 of us head to the club with ease.

I sit in my normal spot and wait for the rest of the guys to get inside. My attention is to my phone as a text from my mother appears.

Just want to check up on you, sweetie. How are classes going?

I reply:

It's all good! Classes are going fine.

"Everyone," Ryan starts, and I put my phone away, "Brendon completed his first job over the weekend. He's now an official member of the Scarlet Society."

There's some quiet claps in the room with some enthusiastic cheers from Gerard and Frank.

"Come up here and take your jacket." Ryan says.

I get up from my seat and walk to the front of the room. It feels like a different world for a moment. There's a distinct separation from the here and now, like I'm looking from the outside in. Ryan takes out the fresh letterman jacket from the bottom cupboard of the front desk. He hands it to me all nicely folded up. I take it before unfolding it, zipping it open, and trying it on. It fits well, and I never even told him my size. It's flattering. There's a few more claps from the guys as I put on a smile. That nice sense of ignorant peace is wonderful, but I know it won't last for long.

A/N: Sorry for taking a billion years to get a chapter out. I was away from home for a couple days over the weekend and I didn't feel inspired to write a few days prior to that. This chapter is short and kinda weird to me personally, but I made attempts!!! Inaccurate portrayals of stuff may have been in this, I apologize for that. I suck. Don't jump on me for it. Idk how drugs work, but I know I should really look more into it :P.