What prompts me today to write this is a long conversation I had with my mom.

Since Arson was released today, I played it on the tv while I did my daily chores. I was genuinely shocked when I saw the mv had 2.3 million views in 2 hours. I said as much and my mom started saying how it's crazy that k-pop and kdrama has literally taken over the world.

And it's true, what used to be limited to a select group of people outside of East Asia is now a trend. Our value as a k-pop and kdrama fan is scaled by the numbers of songs in our k-pop playlist and the number of dramas we've seen. Our loyalty as a fan is decided by how many songs we know and if we can recognise the artist by just their lips.

The k-pop industry is toxic, we've known it for years. From forcing idols to diet, behave a certain way and wearing less than comfortable clothes to fans being stalkerish, cyberbullying and trying to dictate their lives, it has never been easy for anyone. Add to it the cut throat competition to debut and then trying to stay in the market long enough to pay all the debts they have piled to become an idol.

Behind all the bling, luxury and glamour, there's a dark side that is often lost because the forefront shines too bright.

It's toxic through and through. Not only for these idols but also fans.

There was a time when European and American people were crazy for Bollywood. They used to come to India just to get a chance to do a scene in Bollywood movies. Since Indians like white colour so much, obviously the industry gave them a space.

Something similar is happening now with the Korean entertainment industry. There is this whole group of people who want to go to Korea and study there not for the sake of education but because it's Korea and they love k-pop and kdramas.

Ngl, I have a cousin, very passionate about dancing and she wants to go to Korea too. Become a dancer there and all that. It's also really nice to see that her parents are very supportive of her dream and when I first heard this, I was conflicted.

See, there's no problem in being a dancer. In fact pursuing any job or art is never wrong. But there's struggle, there is struggle at every stage of life and struggling in your own country as against to another country is a totally different thing.

Everything might look glamorous and easy with those rose tinted glasses but once you remove it, you'll know that it's not all what we see.

Korea literally has no law in favour of labor class. You will be overworked till you die but it won't affect your employer one bit. There's also the fact that there are people who are either extremely racist or not at all. But the main thing is, if aboriginal people of Korea struggle so much you can't expect to find success there as a foreigner because some did.

The living culture is so very hectic and you just don't get time to yourself, nor do you live as comfortably as you might live in your parents' house. There's also the fact that even if won is smaller than rupee, it's still expensive to live in Korea. Especially Seoul.

If someone does dream of going to Korea and become successful there I'm not trying to discourage you, I'm stating some facts.

Then there's the group who wants their partner to be Korean. There are so many clout chasers and they will get in relationship with a Korean, start a youtube channel and earn from it. And there's really no grey ground when it comes to these influencers. Either their relationship is really real or someone is being abused.

A clear example of this is a youtube channel named Jin and juice. I haven't kept up with them but I did look into it when one of my friends told me how the guy who is Korean was a victim of domestic violence and he left the country and went back to Korea.

This kind of toxicity is real. Beyond the antis, overprotective fans, koreaboos and stalkers, this kind of toxicity is part of the reason why xenophobia exists.

I mean, look at Oli London. Do I even have to say more when it comes to that kind of toxicity and clout chasing?

There also comes the parasocial relationship we share with all these artists. Just last night I was watching these clips and pics of Jack in the box pre-release party and I thought, 'Wow, we live such different lives.'

Because I was literally just scrolling through Pinterest and YouTube because I had just finished the last of my uni exams.

I mean, I'm not going to lie and I know I'm not alone when I say that I have imagined myself being with the idol I like, be it as a friend or romantically. It's just a very normal human action I believe because everyone dreams of something and wishes it was real, be it getting an award or doing a certain job, marrying your crush, we all do it and there's nothing to be ashamed of to say this.

But despite how natural it is, it can get out of control too. Like, it can get so out of control, you might start imagining them next to you in real life. People can have hallucinations and get disconnected to the world because when things get hard and you think you can lean on a person, you disconnect to be with that person.

There is so much to think about you know, literally so much to talk about.

There are different reasons as to why a person might get caught up in such situations, and for some people it can get life threatening.

If you think your imagination is getting more ridiculous by the day and you just find yourself disconnected to the rest of the world and you realise this with stark clarity, it's your que to turn to something else.

No matter how comforting you find your imagination or think it's okay to imagine a little, the moment you think something is wrong, you need to start doing something else.

Engage in different activities and meet new people, talk about something else except k-pop or kdrama. You have to help yourself. You can't be dependent on others, that's not healthy.

That being said, I think I admitted for the first time how depressing getting too deep into k-pop can be. I told my mom today, whenever I think about their hardships and the deaths in k-pop it gets difficult for me. It's not like I discard their struggle completely, in fact I'm always inspired whenever I think about idols, especially BTS but I start to get personal.

Instead of feeling the music and how it makes me feel, I focus on who that artist is and that changes my feelings so drastically. I don't know how to explain but I just feel this compulsion to stay away from the artist's personal life. I want to put a distance and just stay for entertainment. Beyond the entertainment and music, I don't want to go deep. I can't afford to be that deep for someone I know I'm never going to meet and as soon as I realise that, it's going to be easier for me.

Okay I won't bore you anymore with my mid day thoughts.

Bye!