They were back in Ava's office again, only now, they were seated there in silence. Sara wanted to avoid the talking because everybody knows that sharing feelings were never her strong suit or their marriage's. There was a time of course, when they told each other their secrets and how they felt but who they were before was far too different than who they are now. 

The wood crackled under the fire. Its warmth radiated through the entire room but even then their coldness seems to seep through each other. Sara didn't like to be vulnerable.  She had practiced locking her feelings in a box and setting them aside, Ava taught her that and she mastered it well, and if anything can open that box, it would be alcohol. She poured herself a glass of scotch, reprimanding herself that it wasn't a good idea to be drunk again near her ex-wife.

"That's not smart" Ava points out when downs the scotch in one go. The taller blonde crossed her arms as she approached her.

"Maybe not" Sara grabs the crystal decanter and poured Ava a glass. "Let's just say it's an essential pre-discussion drink" she hands Ava the glass which she hesitantly accepts. The other woman gulps the scotch before she sits on the other end of the couch.

Sara can see the hesitation in Ava's eyes. Her dark blue orbs couldn't even last more than a second locked in her own.  She always had a bad habit of biting her lip whenever she was nervous and she would always swipe her thumb at the back of her hand. Sara knew her all too well. Well enough that she knew Ava wouldn't just let go of what happened the night before without explanation or further clarification.

"Well you wanted to talk" Sara exhales. She intently waits for Ava to speak.

"I don't know how to start. I almost thought you'd forget in the morning but judging by how we were acting today I'm guessing you knew exactly what happened" Ava started. She was staring deep into Sara's eyes, looking for a response or a confirmation. So Sara nodded her head lightly, embarrassed as she recalls the previous event.

"So..." before Ava could even continue her sentence she unconsciously blurted out a line she practiced several times over in her head.

"It was just a kiss Ava" the taller blonde's mouth was slightly opened at mid-sentence, interrupted by what she just said. She couldn't stop but notice the flash of disappointment in her eyes. It was there for a second and gone the next. Ava was silent and it felt like a que for her to continue. "I was drunk and emotional and you were there. That was it. I'm with Nyssa now and even if I'm not we still... we can't..." She didn't have to finish the sentence for Ava to get the point.

They haven't stayed in the mansion for more than a month and a half but it felt longer than that. The fact that they had history made everything fall into place a little faster than expected. Sara always tells herself that she had to forgive Ava and have a good relationship with her for Laurel but it was more than that. She needed closure and she needed to let go of the past. Ava did too. She knew if they didn't lower their pride, staying around would be impossible.

Sara knew what she was getting into the moment she said yes to recuperating in their old house. She knew it would bring up memories and faded feelings and she prepared for it. She cautioned herself, guarded her every decision and reflected on it the moment she opened her eyes in the morning and before she closed them at night.  They were broken up and moved on, she was firm to believe that. However, the recent events, starting to repair their friendship and building a more suitable relationship for Laurel's sake, makes things a little confusing. She could analyze their action, she was trained for that but the emotions that came with it were more difficult to manipulate.

That one kiss should mean nothing. She kissed a lot of girls before. It should mean nothing because she no longer feel that way towards Ava or at least she thinks she doesn't because no matter how hard she tries to let it go it kept coming back to her. She wanted more from that kiss, she longed for it. It took her everything just to pull away. She had to remind herself that Laurel would be devastated if they destroyed whatever they have now. She knew it was wrong but it didn't feel like it. It felt right, it felt pure and genuine and comforting.

She couldn't deny the fact that every time Ava laughs it warms her heart and whenever she sees her with Laurel, a part of her always wondered what they could've been if she fought harder and didn't let things go out of control. There would be moments where she saw her Ava; the kind, loving and caring Ava she missed so much. Then her heart would ache, knowing that her Ava was gone a long time ago and she could never have her back.

Ava cleared her throat "I know. I just needed to know that we were on the same page" she bit on her lip again. If the situation was different she would've kiss her hesitations away but it isn't.

"And what page is that?"

She wasn't dense. She could sense the different aura Ava gives off whenever they were together but she didn't want to assume what it meant. Even if she was right, there could be nothing more to it. Neither Ava's feelings nor her own will ever change the situation they were in.

"The page where we don't screw things up...for Laurel" Ava replied.

Sara pushes her empty glass towards Ava and the other woman poured her a drink. Ava hands her the glass and their hands brushed making Sara gasp inaudibly. She takes the glass and sipped to calm her nerves.

"We don't have to make things awkward Aves." she surprised herself as to how natural that nickname passed her lips "Laurel is a smart girl and eventually she would figure out that we are acting weird. She needs us now"

"I know" Ava sighs. "It was just a kiss. It didn't have to mean anything"   but the hesitation in her eyes says otherwise.

---

            Sara was grateful that she and Ava finally agreed to put the events of the night before behind them. The awkwardness faded as the days passed by. They placed their efforts into making sure that Laurel was getting the care she needed. They would dress her wound together and doodle on her cast, which was already filled with stickers, glitters and drawings from the people who visited her.

            William and Victoria dropped by once to check on Laurel. They brought several boxes with them, some big, some small, wrapped in fancy paper. 'Laurel's gifts for Christmas' they said. Some of them were theirs, labeled by the card that comes with the packaging.

The holiday was fast approaching and the house was still to be transformed into a Christmas wonderland. Laurel picked the theme more than a week ago but they didn't have the time to shop for decorations but now that she was better, Sara and Ava decided it was best they take the little girl out. They went to their usual store in the city, almost an hour drive but it was well worth it. The mall was ornamented by lights, candy canes and red and green décor.

Ava pushed the cart while Laurel sat inside; Sara was on the side, picking out the items Laurel wanted. They let little girl pick a couple of decorations, mostly snow men and reindeers. They also decided to get a white tree and ornaments to go along with it. Minutes later they asked help from Mick and Nate for the bags which they gladly accepted. After buying a couple more décor and realizing they couldn't carry more they decided to stop shopping. Mick offered to carry the bags in his pickup truck and accompany them home. 

            The process of transforming the house was by far the most tiring and most enjoyable thing they did. Laurel, Zari, Amaya and Charlie came over to help them. Nate and Mick stayed to help too. They all decorated the living room, the kitchen and the backyard with white, blue and gold décor. The Christmas tree was then delivered to the mansion and they had fun setting that up too. Ava carried little Laurel on her hips so that she could help put on the ornaments while Sara set up the lights and the gifts under the tree. Hours later they were able to finish setting everything up except for the rooms which they decided on finishing the next day.

            When evening came they all sat at the patio grilling and drinking beer. Nora and Ray also came over with Ivy along with Felicity, Oliver, Thea and Tommy. It was the first time in years that they had an impromptu party.  Everyone shared stories, laughed at each other's jokes and enjoyed the food.

            When Christmas rolled in, Ava threw another party.  Sara's family was invited to the mansion and so were her friends. For a moment it all felt like what it used to. When they were still married, Ava would also throw intimate parties like this for family and friends. She and the taller blonde would cook from scratch with Nana Anne's help and Dinah's. Her friends would look after Laurel and they would prepare for their dinner.

            Sara's heart ached when she saw everyone gathered in the living room, enjoying their own glasses of wine, and Mick with his usual choice of beverage, beer. Little Laurel and Ivy were coloring on the center table while the adults ate and socialized. She almost believed that everything was what they used to.

            "I missed this too" Sara gasped when Ava appeared out of nowhere.

The taller blonde was wearing a red sweater with reindeer patterns, the same one she is wearing and Laurel too, their daughters idea. They were also compelled by the little girl to wear gold flashing antlers for headbands. In fact, everyone was wearing 'ugly' Christmas sweaters with all kinds of designs and in various colors. 

"Laurel and I...if all this didn't happen, we were supposed to spend the Christmas at dads" Sara smiled. "We spent our last Christmas there" she felt the shift in Ava's aura and she could see the sadness in her eyes.

"Sara..." she could hear the apology coming.

"Don't. I knew you had a hard time too" she smiled sadly. "The important thing is you're here now. She loved your gifts"

She remembered how upset Laurel was when Ava couldn't come for Christmas. They had to explain to her that Mama was at work and that she would visit soon. Ava sent Laurel gifts every day until the 25th of December. They were simple; some were toys, clothes, books, and a few art materials because Laurel loved to color. For Sara it was never a substitute for her presence but Laurel was too young to understand and the gifts made her forget that she wouldn't get to see her mama. This year is different though. She hasn't seen Laurel this excited or this happy.

***

            Everything was going great until the doorbell rang. Ava sees Sara walking to the door at the corner of her eye. She takes the lasagna out of the oven and settled it in the counter. She removes her apron and lets Nana Anne take care of the rest of the food as she joined with the group of people in the living room.

            Moments later the door closes and she turned her head to see Sara with a dark haired woman. It was Nyssa. She held a gift on one hand and Sara's on another. She knew that Nyssa was coming over, she and Sara talked about it. Apparently not everyone was informed because when she turned around she saw the confused look Laurel gave her.

            The quiet living room suddenly hushed making things a little weird. So Ava swallowed her uneasiness and stood up and greeted Nyssa with a smile. "Hey Nyssa come on in!" her shoulders relaxed a little when everyone started to welcome the other woman.

            "She brought wine" Sara lifts the drink for them to see.

            "Thank you" Ava smiles as wide as she could. She could tell Nyssa was just as uncomfortable as she is. She grabs the drink from Sara "I'll go and put this in a bucket"

            She heard little Laurel greet the other woman as she walked away. She looked back to see Nyssa carrying her daughter, showering her with kisses and giving her the gift. She exhales when she arrives at the kitchen counter to try to calm herself. She didn't expect to be this affected seeing the other woman. Ava was always protective of what's hers and what was important to her. This time however she didn't have the right to be jealous.

            "It's difficult isn't it?" she turned her head to see Dinah opening a cabinet. "waking up to them in the morning, living with them, making memories with them but at the end of the day they still aren't yours...not anymore" the other woman pulls out the bucket and hands it to her. The words hit her so hard. She could feel her cheeks getting hot and her tears starting to form.

            "What did you expect hon? You left them. You were gone even before you signed those papers" Ava opened the fridge to get some ice.

            "I've made peace with it" she fills the bucket with ice while Dinah grabs a glass.

            "Have you?" Ava turns around to see a sad expression on the other woman's face. She knew she hasn't and Dinah knew that too. It is written all over her face that she believes none of it one bit.

            "You still love her" Dinah points out "She loves you too"

Her heart almost skipped a beat. A part of her always hoped that she still had a place in Sara's heart but she didn't come to Star City to sweep Sara off her feet; she came because she cared for her and for their little girl. She expected Sara to be mad and to push her away but it she never did.

Dinah stepped a little closer to her "I don't know what she said to you but I have seen plenty of look of love in my Sara's eyes from the moment she knew what love meant. Believe me when I say..." Dinah smiled "it never shines brighter than when she is with you"

Ava's mouth dropped, finding the right words to say. It sounded like Dinah was still rooting for her in a way and she didn't expect it to hear it from her ex mother-in-law. She and Dinah used to be really close and they had a relationship good enough that the woman became her second mother when she married Sara. Dinah would always talk to her, give her advice and comfort her when she needed it.

Sara's mother took the wine and placed it on the bucket. She leaves Ava alone in the kitchen as she tried to compose herself before going back to the party. After letting Dinah's words sink in she asks Nana Anne's help in setting up the table; after which everyone gathered to the dining area.

Everyone was already in their chair except for Ava, Sara and Nyssa. Ava situated herself in the center chair where she always sat. Laurel was standing on the left side of the table, in between two empty chairs. Nyssa was about to pull out the chair closest to Ava before the little girl spoke.

"That's my place" she said unable to pronounce the 'l' clearly. "Mommy?" she points at the empty seat next to hers. This was always their sitting arrangement whenever they ate and little Laurel has grown familiar with it. The only available chair now was beside Laurel who was on the right side of the table in front of Sara.

"I'm sorry" Sara whispers to Nyssa but it was still audible due to their proximity.

The dinner went on smoothly. Ava focused her attention to Laurel who needed someone to help her eat. Sara would cut up her food into little squares and she would wipe the little girl's face and occasionally feed her if she gets distracted. They all casually talked and laughed as they drank vintage wine and ate.

Before she was with Sara, Ava didn't have plenty of friends. All though she was popular in school when she was younger, she wasn't socially active. She much rather spend her time reading books than going out on Friday nights. Still, people flocked and wanted to become friends with her because of her family name.

When she and Sara finally started dating, she discovered how different they were when it comes to personality. Sara was reckless, hard headed and impulsive and so were her friends. Ava disapproved of them for some time but eventually grown to love the idiots that loved Sara as much as she did. Looking back, the legends became the family she never thought she would have. The uptight and mean Ava Sharpe turned into a goofy, friendly and caring person and she was proud to admit that the legends had influenced her to become so.

After the dinner they put Laurel to bed and Ray and Nora brought their daughter home because it was way past her bedtime. Dinah and Quentin already left too. The rest of them gathered at the patio for a few more drinks. Ava could already feel the beer hitting her but she grabs one more at the table. She sits beside Nate who was nursing a half empty bottle.

"Cheers" Nate said clicking their beers.

Amaya and Laurel were already drunk and dancing to Zari's singing accompanied by her guitar and Charlie, who was drumming her Cajon they brought along with them. Nyssa and Sara were cuddled by the sunbathing bed and Mick was sitting on the floor surrounded by beer bottles. They jammed for a while until they were too drunk to even go on. All throughout their session Ava couldn't help but glance to where Sara and Nyssa were. She would catch them whispering sweet nothings in each other's ear and her heart would ache a little more when she would see Sara laughing.

"Were going to drive them home" Charlie grunts as she helps put the drunken Amaya in the car.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Sara shuts the door after she stuffed the unconscious Nate at the other side of the back seat.

"Who's going to drive Mick?" Ava points to Mick who was barely holding on to her shoulder. Charlie and Zari had their car already packed and Mick's apartment was on the east of the city.

"I'll take him" Nyssa volunteers.

"I thought you were going to sleep over" Sara frowns. Sara had asked her earlier if it wasn't too awkward that Nyssa slept over and Ava didn't have the heart to turn down her request.

"I can't today babe"

At the corner of her eye she sees Nyssa kiss Sara's hand and she couldn't help but feel a little ache in her heart. She stops listening in and says goodbye to her friends. "You guys take care okay" she hugs Zari tight.

"You stop torturing yourself and get her back okay?" Zari whispers and kisses her cheek.

First Laurel, then Dinah and now Zari; She was starting to think that she was losing her touch and if her friends can see behind her façade then Sara would've too. She tried to think of a snarky response but she was stunned. "Shut up idiot"

Ava hugs Charlie too and the moment she turned around she sees Sara leaning in to Nyssa for a kiss. She couldn't explain the feeling but all she knew was that she was angry and hurt and jealous. She didn't realize she was still staring until Sara's eyes met hers. She felt her cheeks turn red from embarrassment.

"I'll go check on Laurel"

---

Ava couldn't believe that Sara caught her staring at them kissing. She scurried away from them thinking that the embarrassment would die down if she had gotten far enough. Ava calms herself before she opened the door to Laurel's room. To her surprise, it was empty.

She started to panic and open every door to check where the little girl might have been. Her heart relaxed when she saw the little girl peacefully asleep, clutching her Beebo doll inside the master's bedroom. Ava debated to carry the little girl back to her room but she didn't have the heart to wake her up.

She laid beside Laurel, propping herself up with one elbow as she smoothed her daughters hair. Her skin was pale, freckled like her mother and her lips and dimpled chin resembled Sara's so perfectly. She had so much love for Laurel that her heart felt like it was going to explode. "I love you so much" she kissed her temples.

No matter how much time she spends with the little girl, it could never take away the guilt she felt when she left. She promised herself to never let her child feel abandoned or forgotten and she knew she failed on that promise. Although a year doesn't compare to how long her parents missed her life growing up, her experience taught her that it had lasting effects.

Her thoughts were disturbed when she heard three knocks on the door. Before she could answer Sara's head already peeped through the door.

"Have you seen...?" Ava points to the little bump on the bed. She saw the relief in the shorter blonde's face.

"She's sneaky I'll give her that" Sara smiled sweetly, amused by her daughter. There was something about her smile that was so contagious.  Ava couldn't help but chuckle. "I just came to check up on her." Sara continues.

The shorter blonde gave Laurel a quick kiss on the forehead. "I'll leave you guys. Good night"

Sara was about to close the door when she spoke before she thought "Sara, wait" Ava tried her best to think of what to say next

"Yeah?"

"Merry Christmas"

"Merry Christmas Aves" Sara gave her the sweetest smile and the door clicked shut.

Today was difficult, tomorrow is another story. And if she could bottle up whatever she feels for Sara one day at a time then maybe they can reach the New Year without screwing things up.