Chapter Twelve

Grief

"Ali, we have to properly do a little funeral for your child now..." Max told me.

Unti-unti akong bumaling sa kaniya mula sa pagkakatulala ko. I looked at him for a while. And then I just slowly nodded my head.

Pero kahit na ganoon ay parang wala pa rin ako sa sarili habang pinapalibing namin ni Max ang sanggol na sinilang ko...

I was there but my mind couldn't be really present.

Hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko pa rin matanggap ang nangyari sa anak ko...

Bakit nagkaganoon? Ano ba ang nangyari? May nagawa ba akong mali? But then the doctor had already explained it to me how things like that could happen during birth...

But I still could not bring myself to just accept what happened.

"Let's go, Ali. It's raining now." Max assisted behind me.

Tumango na lang naman ako at sumunod na rin na umalis na kami roon sa cemetery...

More days had passed that turned to weeks. Ilang beses na rin akong tinawagan ng pamilya ko lalo na ni Daddy.

"You've been away for many months now, Aletheia." Dad said to me over the phone.

"I'll come back home now, Dad..." I reassured him.

"All right. You should."

Binaba ko ang phone pagkatapos ko silang makausap ni Mommy. My parents and my family were just worried of me. Humaba na nga rin naman ang paalam ko noon na magbabakasyon lang. And because I didn't want for my Dad to grow suspicious of me and my actions these past months, I decided to come back home after few more days. At hinanda ko lang din ang sarili ko sa pag-uwi ko sa family ko.

"Are you sure you want to go back now, Ali?"

Bumaling ako kay Max at tumango. "Yes, I have to. My family were already looking for me." I said.

Tumango na rin naman siya sa sinabi ko.

And then I looked at him. "And, Max, thank you." I told him. "And please, don't tell anyone about everything that happened here and what you know."

He nodded. "Of course, Ali. You can trust me." He reassured me.

And I just nodded.

And then I was back to Germany like everything was just the same in me from the outside. But inside, durog na durog pa rin ako.

I returned like I was still fine. And I'm glad that my family didn't notice.

But I somehow changed. And I felt like I wasn't being myself again. I act like I was all okay and I think that it was too much. To the point that I became too unbothered with anything else in my life after that and it doesn't feel normal anymore.

Until many years had passed...

My brother, Adam, also introduced the woman he loves and their child to our family.

And I think that was when I realized that I've been just as nonchalant as I could for the past years. But I couldn't remain unbothered my whole life.

Because the truth was, after all these years I was still in pain and grieving in silence...

I was still in grief all this time...

At umaakto lang ako na parang wala lang.

I also started working at my father's business for years now, too. So I also earned my keep. And I have my own money now. Wala rin akong ibang pinagkakagastusan since I just remained living with my parents until now like what Dad wanted.

But then, I realized that I also wanted to start thinking again about my life now...

"Where are you going now, Aletheia?" Dad seriously asked me.

Ngumiti lang naman ako kay Daddy at naglambing. "I'm just going to visit Adam and his family in the Philippines, Dad." I told him.

"You really like doing this." He sighed.

Ngumiti na lang naman ako kay Daddy.

I think he was still thinking of the time before when I was away for months...

Wala na rin naman silang magagawa ngayon. As I think I can already do what I want and on my own now. I'm already older, too. Daddy can't keep me in our house forever. At isa pa, I still have a younger brother that they have to look after instead of me.

So I went to the Philippines to visit my brother, Adam and his family...

And that's where everything started again...

I was in a beach resort in Subic. It's a 2 to 3 hours drive from Metro Manila. I planned to stay here overnight. Pero humaba pa ang pag-stay ko sa resort when I realized that he's also here!

The first day I just enjoyed the resort. But the next morning, early on that day when I saw it with my own two eyes how he arrived here in the resort. Bumaba siya sa sasakyan at mukhang may kasama din siya pero hindi ko na nakita dahil tumakbo na ako pabalik ng room ko dahil sa gulat ko nang makita ko siya.

At ngayon, on the same day, I went out of my room and just carefully looked out for him here in the resort. I'll be bored if I'll just stay in my room the whole day. At bakit naman ako magkukulong lang sa kwarto ko? Iniiwasan ko ba siya? At bakit ko naman siya iiwasan? Past is past!

At isa pa, nagbayad din ako rito sa resort ng stay ko, 'no. Hindi naman siya ang may-ari nitong resort.

Huminga ako at naglakad-lakad na muli sa tabi ng dagat. I find this relaxing. Nakakawala ng stress at parang nakakalimutan mo ang mga iniisip mo...

I stopped on my steps on the sandy shore. Napupunta rin sa suot ko na sandals ang mga buhangin. At parang nakalimutan ko nga sandali ang presensya rin ng tao na 'yon dito sa resort. Na pagkakita ko ay nasa harapan ko na pala siyang bigla. No, hindi lang siya. Sila... May kasama siyang batang babae...

Lalo akong natigilan sa kinatatayuan ko. Umihip ang medyo malamig na hangin at parang humampas pa ito sa balat ko na para akong nilamig bigla...

Hindi pa niya ako nakikita at ako pa lang ang nakakita at nakatingin sa kanila ng bata. I saw him there, looking and talking to the little girl he's with... And he's holding the child's small hand...

Parang naging bato na yata ako at parang nagkaugat na rin ang mga paa ko sa kinatatayuan ko. Parang hindi na ako makagalaw doon. And they were already approaching where I was.

Palapit sila nang palapit sa akin...

Hanggang sa mas luminaw at lalo ko pang nakita at namukhaan ang batang kasama niya.

But why does... the little girl...

This girl kind of looked like me when I was her age...

I couldn't be mistaken. I still remember my face when I was young. And I have my pictures, too! What's happening to me... What's happening here?!

"Theia!" I heard him called the little girl when she started running, at palayo sa Daddy niya...

And... did I just heard my name again from him calling...

I mean, my name's Aletheia...

What the hell?

What is this?

Gulong-gulo ako. Para akong nanigas na nga sa kinatatayuan ko. I cannot move and couldn't say a word.

But then, I did move with my instincts when I saw the girl fell in front of me. Nadapa siya sa harapan ko kaya agad ko siyang tinulungan...

At nagkatinginan kami pagkatapos nang mag-angat din siya ng tingin sa akin. She's a pretty child who has fair skin and healthy looking thick hair, at mahahaba rin ang mga pilikmata niya. She looked like little princess Snow White. And her cute small pink lips smiled at me after she saw me in front of her...

"I'm sorry... And thank you, po. For helping me..." Tumayo rin siya at pinagpag ang konting buhangin na dumikit sa balat niya, sa tuhod niya at konti rin sa siko.

At parang may sarili namang isip ang mga kamay ko na tinulungan ko rin siya na alisin iyong konting sand sa may elbow niya.

"Thank you!" She smiled at me again when she saw that I helped her with the removing of some dusty sand on her...

Napalunok pa ako habang nakatingin sa kaniya. And then I slowly smiled to the pretty child...

"Theia..."

At doon pa lang ako napaangat ng tingin sa taong nakasunod din sa bata. At nagkatinginan kami ng taong iyon. And I saw how his eyes widened when he saw me.

What really happened?

I just want to know now.

What did he exactly do...