Chapter Twenty-five

Happier

I remember now.

It's not that I haven't noticed. Because I already did. I was watchful of my son's actions. Many times I wanted to know all of his feelings... His emotions...

Gusto kong malaman ang nararamdaman ng anak ko. Kung ayos lang ba talaga siya sa buhay na mayroon kami... Kung okay lang ba talaga sa kaniya na lumalaki na siyang kaming dalawa lang. I wanna know if he's hurt... Because I would bleed more for him...

I remember his past reactions.

One time it was their family day at school. It was last year when he was still in kindergarten. Ako lang ang kasama niya while his classmates have both parents...

"Mikos, anak, can we talk?" I gently asked him one day.

I wanna talk to my son before I leave again for work. Iiwan ko siyang muli kanila Kuya Levi.

Bumaling sa akin si Mikos. "Yes, Mama." Pumayag naman siya.

Bahagya akong ngumiti at pinalapit siya sa akin para makapag-usap kaming dalawa.

All this time I've been waiting for him to talk to me. To ask me questions about his Dad. Kasi alam kong nagkaka-isip na rin ang anak ko.

But now I thought that maybe my son was also just waiting for me to talk to him about it. Naisip ko na baka nga pareho lang din pala kaming naghihintay. And I didn't want for my son to wait any longer.

I know that he's curious about who his father was. At alam ko rin na marami rin siguro siyang mga katanungan sa kung nasaan ito at kung ano ang nangyari sa amin.

"What is it, Mama?"

I was looking at my son's face that would also remind me of his father. Alam kong makikilala rin naman siya ni Adam kapag pinakita ko sa kaniya ang anak namin. And I hope that he accepts him. He can be mad at me, curse me until the end, because of our history. Pero labas na doon si Mikos. I want him to look at our son without thinking of me or my faults. Dahil alam ko naman ang nagawa ko sa kaniya. And I just want us to focus on Mikos. Kung maari, dahil lumalaki na ang bata.

"Mikos..." I looked at him. "About... your father..." Marahan akong huminga pagkatapos, and I tried to calm myself down.

It's still not easy.

Matagal naming hindi pinag-usapan si Adam. And now I decided to finally open it up to Mikos. Dahil gusto ko na rin na malaman ang iniisip niya.

You see, I noticed he's growing up to be a more quiet child. Natatakot na rin ako na baka dumating pa ang araw na hindi ko na talaga malalaman ang nasa puso at isipan ng anak ko...

Mikos was looking at me, too. Ngayon ay nagkakatinginan na kaming mag-ina.

"Papa..." He said.

At parang saglit naman na bumagsak ang puso ko. The way he said it para bang nandoon ang kaonting excitement niya, na kahit hindi pa niya gustong ipakita sa akin ay nahahalata ko pa rin. He definitely looked like he really wanted to know about his Dad.

I'm so sorry, Mikos...

My heart breaks.

"What about him, Mama?" He probed.

Hindi ko agad matugunan ang anak ko, because of my emotions building up.

And then he added, "Did he asked about me? Will I see him now? Where is he? What happened?"

Tama ako na marami na ngang tanong ang anak ko tungkol sa ama niya.

And I feel so sorry for my son. I felt selfish for doing the things I did in the past... that affects my own son now.

I can only shake my head a bit. Pagkatapos ay hinawakan ko ang anak ko sa magkabilang balikat niya. I looked him in the eyes as well. "Are you... curious about your Dad? Do you want to know about him? Do you want to know him, Mikos?" I asked him.

Unti-unti naman siyang tumango.

I stopped my emotions and put on a brave face in front of my son. Pagkatapos ay tumango ako like I was assuring him that he will know his Dad.

And when I asked him why he never asked me about his Dad, his answer was even more heartbreaking. "I was only waiting for Mama... I didn't want you to worry... So I said to myself that I will just wait until you tell me so..." he told me honestly.

Niyakap ko na lang siya.

I realized that should find Adam and talk to him about Mikos. Nagkita na kami noong nakaraan pero hindi ko pa sinabi ang tungkol kay Mikos because that was unexpected meeting at that party. And to be honest I just really didn't realize how it affected my son until now.

At para kung sakali ay tuluyan na rin kaming makaalis ng anak ko sa mga Zachmann...

I don't know yet how things would turn.

Pero kaya lang din naman ako nananatili pa because I'd be alone to protect my son kung iiwan ko na ngang talaga ang mga Zachmann... And I'm hopeful that Adam would protect his son once he finds out about Mikos.

Isa itong sugal na gagawin ko as I also asked for my brother's help to look for where Adam was. I know that Kuya Asher can help me because he has the connections and means to do it.

"He's in Masbate." ang sagot sa akin ni Kuya Asher sa sumunod na nagkita kaming dalawa matapos kong pinakiusap sa kaniya na tulungan akong hanapin si Adam para kay Mikos.

At wala namang sinabi sa akin si Kuya Asher nang sabihin ko ito sa kaniya. Pero pumayag lang siya. Maybe because he heard that it's for Mikos. Dahil kahit papano naman alam ko rin that they care about my son, too...

"He's back in Masbate?" Napatanong ako kay Kuya Asher.

Dahil hindi ko ito inasahan. I wasn't even sure if Adam's really staying here in the country. O baka umuwi na sa pamilya niya sa Germany. But he's here. And he's back in Masbate.

Kuya Asher was looking at me. "What's your plan, Aeva?" Pero hindi na rin napigilan ni Kuya Asher ang sarili niya and he asked me.

Tumingin ako sa kaniya. "I... I just want Mikos to know Adam now... He's his Dad."

Medyo matagal pa na nagkatinginan lang kami ni Kuya Asher.

At sa huli ay nagpaalam na rin ako sa kaniya.

Adam was back in Masbate. I started packing to go meet him there. Since he's there right now. Ako lang muna ang pupunta sa kaniya at kakausapin ko siya tungkol kay Mikos. Pagkatapos kapag naging maayos ang pag-uusap namin ay saka ko pa lang dadalhin at ipapakilala na sa kaniya ang anak namin.

I can't risk it if Mikos will get hurt if Adam doesn't accept him right away...

Kaya mas mabuti na ang ganito. Na ako na lang muna. And if I'll get hurt, mas mabuti nang ako lang.

And so I went back to Masbate after years since I left here and never came back. Ngayon na lang muli ako na nandito. In search of the father of my son. And this was the place where it all begun.

It's been years since the last time I've been here. For my mission back then. And that mission was to assassinate Adam Mikolos Rozovsky...

Ilang taon na pero parang kahapon lang. At sa unang tapak ko pa lang sa lugar ay parang nagbalik din sa akin ang mga alaala na binigay sa akin ng lugar na ito.

Napadaan pa ako sa dati kong dorm noon na nakatayo pa rin naman doon. Pagkatapos ay sa malapit lang din doon sa dorm na university na dati naming pinasukan ni Adam.

And I just can't help it but to still look back and think about my days with Adam back then. Iyong pinakamasasaya ko na mga araw...

At naisip ko na, was Adam still the same guy I first met here before?

Iyong mabait na Adam.

The gentle, friendly, and smiling Adam Rozovsky...

Ilang taon din na tinago ko lang ang mga isiping ito at the back of my head. After everything that happened to us. And I got busy with Mikos. Nawalan na ang mga alaalang ito ng puwang sa isip ko.

And now that I'm here and thinking about it, ay parang iniisip ko na rin ang sarili ko...

Dahil sa totoo lang... pakiramdam ko noong nagkakilala kami ni Adam ay parang doon ko pa lang din pala napagbigyan ang sarili ko na maging ako rin. That despite I was here for the mission. Natuto pa rin akong maging tao...

After thinking that I haven't been human for killing people and ending their lives...

I felt human at those times and moments I was with Adam.

Noong nandito na ako ay ang dami ko rin pala natutuhan noon. Natuto akong maging normal... Na para bang naging isang normal at ordinaryo lang ako na tao at babae. I learned how to be woman... Adam made me feel like a girl and then a woman... And I learned to fall in love. Natutuhan kong mahalin si Adam. Yes, and it's not a lie. It's the truth. And probably the only... And it's just how I felt. Towards Adam Mikolos Rozovsky.

It was making me sad, ewan ko ba... That I just immediately chose to cut it already and to shake it off of my head for now. Dahil mas importante na isipin ko ang anak ko ngayon at ang kinabukasan niya.

At ano pa ba ang silbi ngayon ng pagbabalik-tanaw ko sa nakaraan na naming dalawa ni Adam?

I shook my head.

At nagpatuloy na ako sa talagang pinunta ko rito.

Dumeretso na ako sa naaalala ko pa na kung nasaan ang bahay ni Adam dito sa Masbate. I remember because I also used to live here before...

Nasa harapan ko na ang tahimik naman na bahay ni Adam dito dati pa. Umihip ang hangin at hinipan ang mga puno at halaman sa paligid.

This place was as relaxing as ever. With the greenery around. At tahimik pa ang paligid. It's peaceful. And it brings back memories...

Lalo na nang mahawakan ko na rin ang medyo mababa lang naman na gate ng estate.

And I was about to call inside nang matigilan ako...

At first I heard laughter. At parang doon ko pa lang pala nakita na may sasakyan doon sa bakuran. And a man and a woman were filled with happy laughter as they were car washing the vehicle...

Just a few meters from where I stood outside the gate. Itong gate lang ang nakapagitan sa amin. Nakita ko na naghabulan pa sila habang dala-dala ang hose na ginagamit nila sa paglinis ng sasakyan. And I saw that the two of them were almost wet dahil mukhang naglalaro pa silang dalawa habang ginagawa ang pagka-car wash...

Natulala ako sa senaryo...

Nagpunta ako rito at ito ang naabutan ko...

My lips parted and I took steps back.

I didn't know what to feel about it at first... Parang hindi ko na lalo alam ang mararamdaman ko...

Was I feeling hurt? What's this... I don't know...

Was it my mixed emotions again?

Or I just didn't know how to react with what I was witnessing.

It was Adam and he's with Paula...

Isang kaibigan sa nakaraan na matagal ko na ring hindi nakita. At nawalan na ako ng komunikasyon pagkatapos ng mga nangyari noon...

And maybe I just didn't really expect this...

Maybe I was shocked...

I didn't know much about how to take it in.

At hindi ko lang talaga alam kung ano ang nararamdaman ko sa mga sandaling ito na nakatayo lang ako doon at nakikita silang mukhang masaya...

And because Adam... He looks happier... He looks happy with her, Paula.

He's looking happier now than how I think I remember it when he was with me before...

Parang nag-ugat pa ang mga paa ko sa kinatatayuan ko.

Should I leave now? Sa susunod ko na lang siguro kakausapin si Adam...

At ano ang relasyon nila ngayon ni Paula?

Nagyuko ako ng ulo.

Kung masaya sila ngayon. Ayaw kong magulo lang sila sa dala kung balita... But it's about Mikos, our son.