*it's been a few days since everyone returned to, beacon academy. And we see Ruby in the place she hates more than hell itself. She was in her therapy session. We see her laid down on the couch, while Glynda was writing down on her notepad*

Ruby: I want you to know that I hate every minute of this

Glynda: I know, you say that every time we do this.

*Glynda said, not even looking at ruby. She was too busy looking at the notepad. Looking at the title of what she'll ask Ruby to describe. It's such a simple sentence, but she knows that once Ruby starts. She won't be able to stop herself, and she will get more than she bargains for. But with a breath of a psychology professional, she looked at Ruby and asked the question of the week*

Glynda: Tell me. How did it feel to kill those people, the slavers. How did you feel about that?

Ruby: Why? I mean, if you wanna know, that's fine. But why?

*Ruby asked with a bit of emotion on the back of her voice. She sat up straight because of that answer. Because of the multiple answers that question has. Glynda, for her part, remained firm as she encouraged Ruby to answer*

Glynda: To see how you cope with the actions

Ruby: What do you want me to say, Glynda?

*Ruby said softly with a sigh. She didn't speak for a long time, almost 30 whole minutes, as she got the thoughts of her broken mind in order. Glynda waited patiently for her to respond. She never pushed her to hurry up. She knew this was something big for Ruby to admit*

Ruby: If you want, I could tell you each and every part of how it felt. I could tell you how, at first, my heart would race up with excitement since I used to think that they deserved it.

*Ruby finally started, and just like Glynda knew, it was like a waterfall breaking the wall of a mountain. Ruby had an empty look in her eyes as she spoke, as she looked back at the horrors she made in the west*

Ruby: That they deserved to die by my hand, for what they did. I could tell you in great detail that the worst of my victims. I could tell you how their blood smelled, how they cower in fear, how some cursed me out as they died, while others begged for mercy. None begged for forgiveness. None of them thought that what they were doing was wrong.

*Ruby said, Glynda was right about Ruby talking. Since once Ruby started to talk. She couldn't find it in herself to stop talking. Not when they've had so many sessions. Not when Glynda has managed to rip Ruby's protective shell till the girl was emotionally raw. Once Ruby started talking, she couldn't stop*

Ruby: I could tell you so much of the absolute worst that I've seen humans do to other human beings. I could tell you the absolute worst that Jake did to me.... I could also tell you the absolute worst things that I've done to people who didn't do anything to me, except be in the wrong place at the wrong time.

*Ruby admitted looking at her hands. She was just 15 years old and had more blood in those hands than some full-grown adults. Ruby kept talking, not taking her eyes off of her hands*

Ruby: How I used to lie to myself saying " I'm doing this so that no one has to suffer like I've suffered, ever again" but seeing as I'm sponsored by a man who does what Jake did to me, and so much worse to others, that you know it's a lie. I knew it was a lie. I always knew it was a lie. It's just that I used to have things distracting him, so I wouldn't care. But even drunk, I knew it was a lie

Glynda: A lie that you now admit

*Glynda finally spoke up, but ruby didn't look up, she just kept looking at her hands, she didn't give out a huff of amusement, there was no confidence, no arrogance, no nothing. Just acceptance, that in her eyes and in the eyes of so many others, she's as much of a monster as Jake*

Ruby:Because now I have no choice but to admit them. Without the alcohol, without the voices keeping my mind distracted, now that it's quiet. I have no choice but to let my brain think again. It's now that I'm on those pills that I see that those voices, were in a fucked up way, protecting me, protecting me from the silence. Since in the silence I only have myself for company. Me and my thoughts left to bask in an eternity, while I contemplated my place in hell

*Ruby said, as she stopped looking at her hands, and leaned back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling as she spoke, squinting her eyes a little as the light of the roof hit her eyes, but she didn't look away from it*

Ruby:To think of my choices, to think about my actions. To just....think about everything.... I don't kill slavers to save other slaves. I never felt anything by doing that, by saving them. It was just the cause and effect of my actions.

*Ruby admitted, she kept looking at the light, it was almost blinding, but ruby preferred that than looking Glynda in the eyes, looking at another human being in the eyes, as she spoke about her sins*

Ruby:I.... I was angry. I was so angry at the world for what it made me go through, I was more angry at myself for having survived it. I wanted revenge, I wanted others to feel, if only for a second, the pain that I felt, the hopelessness that I felt, I wanted them to see, to feel even if only for a second. How broken Jake made me.

*Ruby said, but there was no hiss to accompany it. Not venom behind her words, just hollowness, and not the pills version of it. This was true and emotional hollowness*

Ruby: Each and every day, I told myself that I would stop. That I would let go of my hatred, leave to the other side of the world to a place I was told about, named Argentina, and never look back.

*Ruby said, thinking of fleur. Do this day she was the closest person to bring ruby out of the hatred. But Ruby pushed her away, since ruby didn't want to leave the shadow, she wasn't looking for peace. Ruby wanted the carnage*

Ruby: But I never did. I never wanted to. Not when I could get away with my actions, with no repercussions. Since "it's the wild West" as if that makes it ok to kill another human being, as it being the final frontier that's truly free gave us the right to act like mindless animals, just feeling our darkest desires.

*Ruby said with a frown, she can't tell you the number of times, she heard something way "that's just the wild West for yah". She can't tell you how many times she told that to herself, to make her feel better of her choices, even when it never did*

Ruby: I kept getting paid by the major. I kept getting paid to kill people, to cause chaos, but more importantly, to look the other way, while thousands screamed for my name, screaming for me to save them. But I didn't. But I don't. Because I don't care. As long as I was and still am getting paid, as long as I could keep inflicting the pain that Jake caused me, on to others. I kept getting paid, and I kept going home.

* Ruby said as she finally closed her eyes, letting the tears from looking directly at the light source, for so long to fall freely down her face. since there were days when she had to do more than just look the other way, less major stop sponsoring her*

Glynda: Ruby, you didn't kill those people. It's a horrifying situation that we're living in. But it's not your fault.

Ruby: I don't need an excuse, Glynda. I may not be pulling the trigger, but I'm putting the bullets in the gun

*Ruby said with a sigh as she moved her head to find something else to look, to distract herself, to try and disassociate with what she was saying. But found nothing but an empty room*

Ruby: And... And that's what the worst part is. The living with yourself, it's not the knowledge that your inactions are having a hand in the murder of so many people. It's the fact that you can still sleep at night.

*Ruby said, looking at her reflection on the slow-moving clock. She kept her gaze fixed on the clock as she looked at herself with her perfect skin. But the more ruby looked at it, the more the stranger in the mirror looked back*

Ruby; There are so many legends of how I killed x or Y with a bullet straight to the head. But the reality is that I kept them alive. I kept them alive as long as possible and subjected them to unimaginable horrors. So that they feel what I was subjected to. So that I could share my pain with them.

*Ruby said as she got memories of those atrocities she did, what she saw. What she could remember from the alcohol filled haze that was her brain. We're flashes of memories, but each one made ruby more and more sick to her stomach*

Ruby: Some may say that I was justified in doing that since they're no different to Jake and deserve the pain. But who are they to say that hurting someone is justice? Who are they to say that they deserve it. No. Torture isn't justice. Torture is imagination. What a terrifying thing the human man can make up, what an even more terrifying thing is when we act on those imaginations.

*Ruby said with a sigh. She finally managed to get her eyes away from the clock and looked out the window. Finding a little spec of peace, from the clear sky of the morning*

Ruby: In truth? I'm no different from them. A monster is just the same. Sure, I've never used anyone sexually, but that doesn't mean I'm any less of a monster than the others.

Glynda: Ruby...

*Glynda tried to say, but Ruby shook her head and kept talking, the waterfall couldn't be dried out, the mountain was already broken, there was no way to stop it from flowing*

Ruby: It's true. I've done things that even Raven doesn't know. Things that are crossing her line so much that she would kill me herself. All so that's the major would keep sponsoring my "crusade" as I like to call it. So don't say that I was just following orders. That's an explanation, not an excuse. I knew what I was doing. I know what I'm still doing. I'm no different than the people that I kill, I just make up excuses for it. But in truth?

*Ruby said and closed her eyes tightly. She takes a few calming breaths before she continues her monologue on the subject of how she feels, when she kills*

Ruby: I close my eyes, and all I can see are those cages. Those cages are filled with people that when they see me, they scream for cheers. Only for a second later, they scream in agony when they realize that I'm not there to save them. there comes a point. Where the faces of the people you kill the people you let die, you let suffer, it comes to a point where they become too many to recognize in a dream. They merge, and they change, and they become all consuming. No longer recognizable individuals, but an entire conciseness in your thoughts

*Ruby said without any sort of emotion on her voice, as she could see them. She could see the people she left to die. The people she abandoned. She could see them getting on a train. Never to be seen again*

Ruby: I could tell you that I tossed and turned in bed at night and woke up in cold sweats regretting what I did, or that I'm traumatized, or whatever else you might say if you were trying to gain sympathy from a situation where you were clearly in the wrong, but I know what I did was wrong, I know what I'm doing is wrong. even if I might have been killed. There are
times when your responsibility to protect the weak outweighs your right to self-preservation. This is one of those times, and I not only failed to do the right thing, but I actively looked away and did the wrong thing. For example, my mission in Atlas, the one that made me and Whitley pseudo allies

*Ruby said as she licked her lips, feeling dry from all the talking she's done. Glynda gives her a bottle of water, and Ruby drinks it, while Glynda keeps writing all of what Ruby says on her notepad. Ruby satisfied her thrist and kept speaking*

Ruby: I was once in atlas when it began to snow. And from behind me, I heard the laughter of a child, as she reached her hand out. And let a snowflake fall into her hand, melting into nothing in a few seconds. She looked at me. She looked at me, and she smiled with such innocence that it made me puke.

*Ruby admitted that she doesn't need to close her eyes to see the white-haired girl. She couldn't tell you what her powers  were, just that she had a tiny horn, red eyes, and a smile so innocent since she didn't know what was gonna happen next. Ruby took a shaky breath before she continued to speak*

Ruby: Amidst all the screams, the curses, the cries, the sound of her laughter was the most haunting thing I'll ever know. So tell me, Glynda, you want me to explain all of that?

*Ruby said, finally looking at Glynda. The look ruby had in her eyes, it scared Glynda a little. There were so many raw emotions inside those eyes, but the biggest one she could see on her body was disgust. Disgust for herself*

Ruby: Because I could tell you things that would make you puke and be completely disgusted by me, I could tell you things so horrible that you will never be able to sleep peacefully again. This is my final layer of protection, Glynda. If you peel it, there's no turning back. You won't ever see the rose of vacuo. You won't ever see Ruby Rose ever again. You'll see special agent Rubinrose. Independent killer of the millennium organization.

To be continued, or read ahead 3 months and 1 week 13 chapters on Patreon

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