BLAKE

        I looked down at his body and it looked just like he was sleeping. I don't think I had ever seen him looking more peaceful than he did right now. Even as a kid, he only ever looked stressed and like he was spending too much time thinking.

        I didn't want to accept that this was real or that it had happened. I tried to tell me that he was only playing around with me and that, at any moment, he was going to sit up and tell me he was only joking.

        I wasn't a kid though. I was twenty-five and that meant I knew that was never going to happen. He was dead and no amount of wishing was ever going to bring him back, no amount of wishing was going to undo what had happened.

        People kept telling me what I should be feeling. That I should feel angry at Ellie for being the reason he was dead, that I should be crying because he was my family, that I should be raging around the place as I expressed my pain, even that I should be demanding people do what they could to bring him back.

        But I didn't feel anything other than numb. I couldn't cry because I didn't have the energy to be able to do so, I couldn't be angry at Ellie because it was her wolf who was in control and I couldn't hate her either because she didn't ask for him to protect her.

        I didn't see the point in raging around the place, demanding that people bring him back, I was too smart for that. I knew he wasn't going to come back, regardless of how many people I shouted at or how many walls I dented or even how many doors I smashed from their hinges.

        "Blake," I turned to see Ellie had walked into the room and I could see the guilt written across her face, the pain which flashed in her eyes when she looked at me was impossible to miss.

        "Nicole told you to stay in bed," I told her as she came over to my side and wrapped her arms around my waist, burying her head in my chest and this was why I couldn't hate her. I knew she felt guilty and I could feel how much she hated herself.

        I couldn't punish her even further, not when she was already punishing herself for being so stupid.

        "That was never going to happen," she chuckled and then stopped when a hiss of pain escaped her lips.

        "You know, I heard the conversation you had with him that day," I told her. My eyes never leaving the body which was in front of me as I felt Ellie's silent tears staining my shirt.

        "I'm sorry. I didn't want to this to happen and I never thought he would throw himself in front of a bullet for me," she replied as her hands clutched tightly around my shirt.

        "You know, even when we were younger, he did stupid things to make me happy. I remember there was one time, I was feeling down after a bad day, so he thought it would be a good idea to jump off the roof of our house. The idiot broke his leg in four different places," I found myself laughing at the memory.

        And that was when I realized there was no point being sad that he was dead, sadness wasn't going to change the facts. It hurt like a bitch that he was dead and that I wasn't going to hear his voice again or him turning the charm on for the ladies or be able to listen to his ego explode as he walked into the room.

        But there was no point being sad. It was better to hold tightly to the happy moments and to the memories which we had together. And, damn, were there a lot of memories between the two of us. They weren't always happy but that's what family is for, to negotiate the ups and downs of life together.

        "There was another time, a couple of years ago actually, he was impressing the children of the pack by jumping from tree to tree like a monkey. Problem was, he never did have good hand and eye coordination, so he ended up falling and almost damaged his spine. I don't think he ever had that part of the brain which told him his ideas were stupid and he was going to end up hurt," I laughed again.

        "If I hadn't have been as angry I was, perhaps I would have stopped the first time I heard my name and that he would still be alive," Ellie sobbed.

        "Hey. Look at me," I told her firmly as I placed my under her chin and forced her to look at me, my eyes never leaving hers as I said what I needed to say. "Lex wouldn't want you to be putting yourself through this. I know how much it hurts right now, god I know it hurts, but he did off his own back. He saved you in order to save me and he would do that a thousand times over."

        "But he's your brother, Blake. I know what it is to be without my brother and now I am the reason you don't have Lex anymore," she said through her tears and then she threw herself around me again, wrapping her arms tightly around my torso. "Please don't hate me."

        I didn't care that she was holding me so tightly that my bruises were stinging or that her elbow was digging into the wound on my side which was still to fully heal, I didn't care about the pain I was in right now because I knew that was nothing compared to guilt Ellie was feeling.

        I probably was mad for not hating her or even getting angry with her but if any man could do that to her, they would be a better a man than I am. I can't do either and I don't care what people say, this isn't Ellie's fault and if anyone else says otherwise, they will have me to deal with.

        "Hate you? Oh, honey, I want to murder you myself right now," I heard the familiar voice of my sister as she walked into the room, slamming the door closed behind her as she walked over to the other side of Lex.

        I could feel Ellie stiffen in my arms and her breathing increased while she managed to tighten her grip around me, which I didn't think was even possible given how tightly she was already holding me.

        "She didn't tell him to do it, Jamie. He made the decision," I seethed at my sister. Ellie was meant to meet Jamie for the first time today but this wasn't how I planned for it to go.

        I knew Jamie wasn't going to like Ellie now or be interested in getting to know her either because of today's events and that made me furious, but that was thought for another day.

        "And if she had just calmed down instead of losing her temper, Lex would still be alive now," Jamie shouted at which point Ellie pulled away from me.

        "I think I should leave you two alone," her voice barely came out as a whisper.

        "Yeah. If you know what's good for you then you'll stay the hell away from this family completely," Jamie told her and I could see the hatred in my sister's eyes. I was certain that, had she transformed, her wolf would be in control by now and Ellie probably wouldn't stop her from taking her revenge.

        "Not going to happen Jamie," I muttered. I grabbed hold of Ellie's hand and pulled her back towards me, wrapping my hands around her waist so that she was looking at me.

        "She killed Lex. For all I know you could be next on her list," Jamie replied sharply but I ignored her as I quickly put my lips to Ellie's and gave her soft kiss before pulling away.

        "I love you El. Never forget that," I whispered in her ear and I was sure a smile just about made its way onto her lips but, as quickly as it had appeared, it was gone again as she pulled away from me and walked out of the room without another word.

        "Love? Pfft. Don't make me laugh," Jamie said when Ellie was gone. I glared at her across our brother's body but that didn't seem to bother her, she just waited for the next moment she got to make her comment.

        "When you find your mate, then you'll understand. Sorry that you hate El, but I'm not kicking her out of my life," I shrugged.

        "You know Blake, anyone would think it was a friend who had just died, not our brother. You haven't cried, you haven't lost your temper, you haven't shouted. You haven't done anything other tan sympathize with the reason he is dead in the first place," Jamie shouted and there it was.

        Someone telling me what I should feel all over again. I didn't know why I couldn't just feel what I wanted to feel. I don't understand why I had to act in a certain way or feel certain emotions.

        "You want to know how I feel Jamie?" I finally shouted at her, my anger suddenly getting the better of me as my fists clenched at me side and my canines extended from my gums. "I feel numb. I feel like there is nothing which is ever going to make me happy again. I can't cry because I haven't got the energy to be able to cry, just like I don't have the energy to hate people. I feel like I have just lost the biggest part of my life and I feel like I will never be able to smile again. Now, you want to know why I can't hate El?"

        "Oh, please, this should be interesting," Jamie said sarcastically.

        "I can feel her pain, her guilt, her anger. I know how much she hates herself more than you will ever be able to understand," I said as I tried to reel my temper back in before my wolf took over. I didn't want to fight with my sister, especially not over the body of our brother, but she was pushing this and if she continued to do so, she wasn't going to like where it ended.

        "You know, before you met her, you would be out for blood. You would be screaming and demanding they do what they can to bring him back," she laughed coldly.

        "I grew up Jamie. He was shot with a silver bullet which landed in his lung. He was drowning in his own blood and they were never going to be able to save him," I told her as calmly as I could.

        "I don't know who you are anymore Blake. But, what I do know is that if I see your mate after I've shifted, I am going to kill her and you aren't going to stop me," Jamie said. The worrying thing is that knew she wasn't joking.

        A wolf is always its most dangerous on its first shift which is why you should shift in the forest, where there's no one for you to hurt and you can just enjoy the freedom of being able to shift in the first place.

        "I can't hate her because she doesn't have anyone. Her parents were murdered by our father and her brother was tortured and used as a weapon to kill her by James. She's my mate and I have to be there for for her," I told Jamie honestly.

        "She's the reason Lex, our older brother who has always been there for us and never let either of us down, is now dead," Jamie said.

        "I hope you can forgive her one day Jamie because she's not a bad person," I sighed and then walked out of the room to allow Jamie her time with Lex while I went in search of Ellie to apologize for Jamie's behaviour.