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Chapter 3.

Chapter 3.

Merlin lay on his bed, truthfully he was hungry but he couldn't even think of eating. He just wanted to be left alone. At the moment he hated to be around people. He felt guilty every time someone was nice to him. He should have saved Arthur. He should have gone to the island with Arthur. At least then he wouldn't have to face this.

He had a long time to himself before Gaius was due back from the council meeting. He wanted to sleep but he knew if he did he would be haunted by the memories of those past few days he'd had left with Arthur. Gaius' sleeping draught was the only thing that brought him relief at night. He went back into the main room to see if he could find one. He searched in all of the cupboards and on all the tables but he couldn't find a single sleeping draught. He thought about making one himself but then he realized that he didn't know half of the ingredients used to make one.

He went back to lie on his bed. As he lay there thinking his mind drifted off to thinking about all the days he had spent with Arthur: 'The first time he had met Arthur. They hadn't got off to a good start. Arthur had tried to take Merlin's head off with a mace.' Merlin smiled at the memory. It wasn't a sad or a happy smile it was a memory smile. 'He remembered the time he and Arthur had fought off the Great Dragon and Arthur's random relieved laugh. The time he and Gwaine rescued Arthur from becoming Wyvern fodder on the quest for the Fisher King's trident. Then when he restored Arthur's faith by convincing him to pull the sword from the stone. The first time Arthur sat on the throne after being crowned king after Uther's death.' He would never forget these memories for as long as he lived.

He drifted off into an uneasy sleep filled with images: 'himself on the cliff at Camalann. Himself sending lightning spells at all the Saxons and Morgana. Morgana screaming his name. Aithusa attacking the knights of Camelot. Arthur being stabbed by Mordred, then Mordred being stabbed by Arthur. Showing Arthur he had magic. Arthur's hurt expression. The lake of Avalon. Himself killing Morgana and bringing about peace. Taking Arthur down to the lake of Avalon. Calling the dragon and flying Arthur and himself to Avalon. Arthur thanking him. Throwing the sword in the lake. Placing Arthur on the boat and sailing it out to the island in the middle of the lake of Avalon.'

Merlin threw himself bolt upright. Yelling in fright. Gaius came rushing in with a bottle of sleeping draught in his hand. "Merlin. Merlin. It's all right it was a dream." he said, cradling Merlin in his arms as he tried to fight Gaius off. Eventually he calmed down and starting sobbing. "It's my fault." Merlin murmured. "It was my fault."

"No. It wasn't your fault." Gaius said consolingly. He held Merlin close to him. Until Merlin calmed down. Gaius released him and allowed him to turn himself round. "Here drink this it will help."

"I don't want any more remedies." Merlin said. "You're helping someone who didn't save the king. I let him die!"

"I would help you no matter what you had done Merlin. There was nothing you could have done to save the king. It was beyond your power."

"I should have tried." Merlin sobbed. "He was my friend!"

"Here drink this." Gaius said, trying to pass the phial to Merlin. But Merlin shook his head. "Drink it. It will help." Gaius said. This time Merlin didn't argue. He took the phial and drank it all. "Thank you Gaius. Even though I don't deserve it." Gaius ruffled Merlin's hair and then left the room. Merlin lay down and promptly fell asleep.

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