Chapter 48 – Time for Murder Pt. 2

The Ashdowns' estate was not of the exceptional size of the Lightwoods', but all in all it was not an unattractive sight. The light blue facade was neat, the front garden tidy and the usual rune marks rounded it off. Pretty typical Nephilim house from the outside. It was on a broader street, not one of the narrower alleys where it was easy to strike. But that wasn't my problem.

The problem was Blake's parents, who were standing at the open gate of the garden and had been engrossed in conversation with a person I didn't know for the last half hour. They stood in the open, so I had no chance of passing them unnoticed. I had positioned myself so that just two more jumps would have sent me onto their roof, but the couple were facing me. The probability of spotting my form in the corner of an eye was too high. Furthermore, my impact with the bricks would not be silent, years of training or no; thanks to the Inquisitor, I didn't have access to an inaudibility rune. In hindsight, I probably could have asked Isabelle, but that thought didn't help me either. So I had no choice but to huddle behind the mantelpiece two houses down and wait for this goddamn dialogue to end.

A quick glance at the Ashdowns' faces was enough to tell where Blake got his ruthless streak from. His mother, whose face was almost identical to his, radiated the same frightening irresponsibility as his. Normally you shouldn't form an image of someone through optics, but with her I was pretty sure that a more detailed analysis was not necessary. Blake's morals certainly hadn't just fallen from the sky.

Something seemed to be happening on the street. I peeked around the sooty brick and allowed myself a quick look down. I was in an awkward position. As with the Princewater Canal, I hadn't ventured onto the next-door roof, but even two houses apart didn't seem enough to avoid the Ashdowns' eyes. Once there, it was too late to turn back. Any major movement could have caught their attention. I was glad they hadn't heard the thud of my boots as I had landed on that roof earlier.

I allowed myself to sit up a little while crouching. The stranger had said goodbye and the Ashdowns retired to their home. Finally. To be on the safe side, I waited another five minutes before fully daring to come out from behind the chimney. I had no idea which room in the duplex Blake occupied, but I would work my way from top to down. If he was in the attic, the sound of my landing would give him a slight head start. He was welcome to have it, because I didn't need it.

I sat up fully on the roof and surveyed the gap between the houses with a skeptical look. Not a jump that I hadn't done a dozen times today. I took a step back, pressed my boot into the bricks, and let the momentum catapult me forward. Two seconds later I had reached the edge of the roof. My arms automatically came up for stabilization as I lost my footing.

For a moment my body hovered in the air between the two roofs. I could feel the wind tugging at my cape; could hear the flow of a canal somewhere nearby. My eyes were focused on the dark brick of the expanding house while my feet prepared to land. I shouldn't have had to try so hard. I was still a good half meter from the ground when I flew over the gutter. The wind turned and I shifted my weight as if I had been born in flight. My face tilted a little to the side.

My muscles instantly stiffened. My body jerked away from the precise choreography of the jump to take a defensive stance as my eyes caught the barely discernible shape hurtling toward me from the edge of the roof. I opened my mouth, but no sound escaped my throat. If I screamed now, Blake would know I was here. And that shadow wasn't Blake, that's what my brain was able to gather in the few seconds as he moved closer to me. His stature was too tall and moved more smoothly.

The time was up. The shadow started to leap, my feet brushed the ground and I staggered sideways to keep sight of him. I hadn't noticed him soon enough. It was too late now to draw a weapon or take evasive action. All I could do was stretch my arms out protectively in front of my body. We collided. I clutched at his coat, which looked so familiar up close that my stomach clenched in an uncomfortable knot. He grabbed my shoulders with his fingers and threw me back into the air. We flew over the roof and I was relieved that its incline was relatively small.

Oxygen was knocked out of my lungs as my back hit the uneven brick, and I had a moment of déjà vu for having lain in a similar position on a roof like this not too long ago. Except I had been alone then and almost bled to death.

My body didn't hesitate. As soon as I saw the man who was now looming over me, half sitting on top of me, I had switched to survival mode. Adrenaline shot through my veins and my hands flew to my opponent's hood to reveal his face. He didn't keep attacking or resisting my grip, which almost threw me off balance. His fingers pressed further into my shoulders, which was enough evidence of his animosity.

The man inhaled sharply and cleared his throat. My head snapped up as I recognized the tone of his voice. My fingers tore off the hood and an angry sound roiled in my throat; so deep, so outraged that it almost turned into a scream. My muscles acted faster. In a flash, I spun us around on the roof, too fast for him to follow. Then, when his back was against the bricks, I jumped up and grabbed my weapon-belt. My fingers trembled with anger.

"Clary," Adam said in a soothing voice, leaning on the roof and stumbling to his feet. He didn't seem to care that I could have finished him off in a second. "This may seem strange, but everything has a reason."

"Give me one reason not to strike you down right now," I ground out, trembling, hating myself for sounding more vulnerable, hurt, than I wanted to let on. I peeked past him, over to the Ashdown estate, which was just another jump away. But Adam was in the way.

Adam's brown hair looked black in the weak moonlight. There was an apologetic, pleading expression in his pupils. He was armed to the teeth. He'd been crouched here in the shade next to Blake Ashdown's home, waiting for me. For how long already? This boy, whom I trusted and was one of my closest friends, was here to protect the one who had come a hair's breadth from killing me. He was all that stood between me and my revenge. I couldn't believe this was actually happening.

"I'm here to keep you from doing something incredibly stupid," Adam replied quietly. There was a plea for understanding in his voice that made me clench my fists. The audacity ...

"He tried to murder me," I whispered at him, hissing. I cocked my head, my eyes focused on him as if he would fall over just through my stare alone. I took a few sneaking steps towards him, slowly but precisely like a cat. "He hit me. He put a knife to my throat and cut it. He insulted my family. He tried to drown me in the canal when I was barely conscious enough to defend myself in any way."

"I know and I am sorry," Adam said, as if his words would make up for all of my pain, all of my fear. Just thinking about the panic I had felt made my heart beat faster. "But violence is not avenged with violence. Killing someone is not the solution. It must never be."

"He tried to kill me. Are you really that blind to him or do you just not care what he does?"

Adam made a pained noise and lowered his eyes. He looked like a kicked dog because he knew he was making a fatal mistake at that moment; Adam knew he was wrong. But for some reason I couldn't understand, he was here anyway; on Blake's orders.

Adam rolled his head back as if trying to buy time. I took another step towards him and opened my mouth when a crunching sound made us both spin around.

An ambush was the first thought that crossed my mind. Adam was just waiting for Blake's other friends to show up so he wouldn't be outnumbered any further. Two more shadows had appeared on the neighboring roof, where I had just been crouching. They took a running start and jumped over without hesitation. In a split second I had Eosphoros out and moved in attack stance. To my surprise, Adam did the same.

The two figures landed elegantly a few meters away and immediately removed their hoods. Another hiss escaped me, but not because of Adam this time. Isabelle shook out her hair and pursed her lips apologetically before I could get a word out. Eosphoros continued to hover defensively in front of me and something told me not to put it away just yet. I had been surrounded.

"I've really tried everything, you have to believe me, Clary," Isabelle slipped out and then gave Jace a scowl, who was not quite sure whether to look at me or at Adam. He seemed less upset than I expected. He seemed more alarmed than expected.

I nodded to Isabelle and then shrugged. "As you can see, Jace wouldn't have been the only one in my way tonight anyway," I uttered tightly, barely able to hide my anger as I turned back to Adam.

"What in Raziel's name are you doing here?" Jace asked, neither Adam nor I quite sure which one of us he was addressing. It wasn't until I dared to meet his eyes directly and realized that he was staring at Adam that I realized that of course he knew exactly why I was here.

"None of your business," Adam replied hostilely. My brows were half-creased as I faintly recalled the scene in the Basilias and the argument that had broken out between the two. Apparently they hadn't buried that hatchet yet.

"He's here because Blake pees his pants at the thought of me coming for him," I said through clenched teeth, turning to face Adam. My gaze swept from him to the Ashdown estate, in front of which he continued to stand, and back to him. As our eyes met, I knew the same thought went through his mind: Adam was still standing between me and Blake.

Something in Adam's facade broke. Like the crack in an unstable wall, going deeper and deeper into the stone over time. He took a deep breath, cracked his knuckles, and then walked towards me. Something lay in his pupils; something that made me tighten my grip on Eosphoros. "What did you want to do with him, Clary?" Adam's voice came across to me loud and clear, and while I got the feeling he meant the question to be nonjudgmental, there was an almost accusatory undertone to it. Like he's disappointed in me. "Did you really want to kill him? Then you wouldn't be any better than him."

Something inside me exploded. Anger erupted from deep within my chest to the surface, and I had to plant my feet on the ground to keep from flinching. It felt like the long, icy claws of panic were clawing at the inside of my chest, waiting for me to lose control. Blake's contorted face appeared in my mind's eye; the smug twinkle in his blue eyes made me see stars for a moment.

"Finally get it into your head, Adam," I blurted out, all the emotions I couldn't and didn't want to explain wrapped up in the words. My fingers started shaking again and I was struggling to hold back the tears as I thought back over the past few weeks and how many times they had all mistreated and disrespected me and gotten away with it. I thought of my mother's lifeless body that would never find peace because people like Blake would never allow it. I thought about my own pain, the breathless fear that was eating through my veins because of him, making me feel helpless.

I lifted my head, searching Adam's eyes. There was a hint of amazement on his face, but he didn't take his eyes off me. For a split second I let him see the emotions coursing through my body. I allowed that one tear to roll down my cheek; so that he understood.

"I'm already like Blake," I said, knowing it was the truth. There was no panic in my voice, just certainty and regret. Blake could only destroy. Thanks to the angel blood I could destroy and create something new out of this destruction. "I'm probably even worse."

Adam wanted to believe that I was the Morgensterns' good daughter who needed to be saved and helped. He'd seen me fight, he'd seen what I was capable of. But for some reason I can't explain, he still couldn't see the reality. I had been raised to kill. I had no morals other than the ones my father had given me. I had been designed to carry out orders without asking questions. All that was left of me was a twisted, fragile personality, following a new path and far from the path of good; even though I had followed my mother into goodness. But I had lost my mother on the way and with her my compass. Now I wandered alone, trying to create my own righteousness. What Adam didn't understand was that my father had shaped me for too long to undo what didn't fit into this society. In addition, I no longer had the feeling that he himself followed the guidelines of this society without ifs and buts.

Staggering, somehow feeling like I was in a trance, I turned to Isabelle and Jace one last time. Even in the darkest night, Jace's pupils shimmered as golden as the sun in broad daylight. He had moved toward Adam and me when my back was turned, but stopped. Concern reflected in his eyes; concern and annoyance. I didn't have time to think about it.

"And you?" My tone sounded a little more challenging than before, but no less vulnerable. It was the first time I wasn't ashamed to reveal my feelings to anyone. "Are you guys here to stop me cutting Blake's throat too?"

"I don't give a damn what you do to that motherfucker," Isabelle replied, not batting an eyelid but serious enough to convey that she was indeed on my side in this debate. Jace shot her a warning sideways glance, which she skillfully ignored. "I'm only here because I wanted to make sure you wouldn't get caught if someone interfered."

"I can't let you go through with your plan. It's crazy and wrong." Adam had picked what was probably the most inopportune moment to speak. Jace still hadn't said a word to me and his eyes, which had just been resting on me as if he had something on his mind, darted to Adam and clouded.

"Then try to stop me." A moment ago I was interested in how it had happened that Adam spent the cold night on the neighboring roof of the Ashdowns. But now his words reminded me why I had come here in the first place.

Adam bent his knees as if expecting a reaction from me. I dove forward, straight at him, Eosphoros angled and aimed at him. His face flashed in wonder, as if he had thought his words would hold me back. His fingers slid to his weapon-belt, but too slowly. Eosphoros hissed through the air and Adam leaped sideways, clearly thrown off course; he had not dreamed that I would attack him with my sword. He opened his mouth as if about to say something. I twisted my wrist and the flat of my blade collided with his temple. Adam slumped, not a peep passed his lips.

I didn't stop, didn't look over my shoulder. Isabelle wouldn't follow me, but Jace wouldn't let me get away with murder, even though he held a grudge against Blake himself. I sprinted past Adam's body, slid down the bricks, and propelled myself into the air with a powerful kick of my boots.

Everything went very quickly this time. The Ashdowns' manor rushed towards me and within seconds I was on the other side. I lifted my head to look over the roof. During the time that Blake's parents had been talking in their front yard, I had had enough time to get a closer look at the building from afar. I knew that there was a wide balcony on the second floor, facing away from the street, overlooking the Ashdowns' garden. My entry point.

I moved forward, ignoring the precision of my steps. Without my inaudibility rune, Blake probably already knew I was here anyway. Another whoosh pierced the stillness of the night, and seconds later there was a thump on the bricks behind me. I didn't have to turn to know it was Jace. Instead, I quickened my steps, running faster across the roof. What could he do once I reached the balcony? If he was seen, they would blame him as an accomplice. That would be the end of the Herondales.

I had expected a lot. Jace did exactly what I hadn't factored into any calculation. His arms wrapped around my waist like he was about to hug me from behind. Of course, I knew he was just trying to stop me. I stumbled. His weight on my back threw me off balance. A curse escaped my lips and I had to let go of Eosphoros to avoid hurting either of us as my knees hit the bricks. My hands tried to break the fall; useless with Jace in my neck. He didn't let go because he knew that otherwise I would immediately jump up and keep running. We hit the roof.

"Why are you here?" I hissed at Jace as we slid down the sloping roof. As if he were the enemy.

Jace had landed with his back to the roof's ledge and was trying to get his body to hold, but my weight was pushing against him, even more as he kept his arms wrapped around me. Either he let go of me and I would jump up to finish what I came to do, or he would continue to hold me and risk us both falling off the roof.

"You know exactly why I'm here," was the first thing Jace said to me that evening, taking a breath of relief as we came to a halt a few feet above the gutter. He risked a quick look over his shoulder and seemed pleased with himself. "You can't just kill Blake. I know you want to. But that's not how it works. Not here. Especially not in your position, which is already unstable anyway. However, I assumed that I alone would have to stop you."

"You saw through Adam before I did. I remember the argument you had with him in my hospital room. Why?"

Jace stared at me as if I didn't understand the simplest of connections. "Adam is friends with Blake. And Blake almost killed you. How could I not be mad at him?"

"But Adam–"

"You should have seen yourself, Clary," Jace interrupted with a sharpness I knew wasn't aimed at me. "Afterwards. You were completely beside yourself. You were in shock. You were in a panic. You are the strongest person I know. Seeing you like that ... I would do anything to spare you that again. I despise Blake and he'll get what he deserves. One way or another. But Adam is partly responsible for the fact that things have escalated like this. He knows Blake. He should've hold you guys apart from the start. He's a coward and I despise him for that. I don't want anything to do with him, and neither should you. Anyone who is friends with a monster like Blake deserves nothing but loathing."

Listening to Jace talk about that night made my stomach turn. "I hate that I'm not strong enough to put this panic behind me. Please stop talking about this. That's exactly why Blake has to die. I can't ..." My sentence was lost in silence. There were no words that could describe the chaos in my chest. The breadth of loneliness. The depth of fear. The magnitude of the need to ignore those emotions by lashing out at the world.

"You're not like Blake," Jace said into the still night, and suddenly my limbs felt heavy as lead. "How do you even come up with such nonsense?"

I turned sideways, the bricks digging into my shoulder, and the incline caused me to slide closer toward Jace. His arms were still wrapped around my body. I could feel his tense muscles through my cape.

"Neither of us are good people," was all I managed to say. My voice sounded hoarse, and I didn't know where to look.

"Blake chose to be a bad person. You were formed to be a bad person," Jace stated, his golden eyes studying me intently. We were so close that I inhaled his scent with every breath. He looked up into my face and the mask fell away from him as if I had put on glasses through which I could finally see everything clearly. "It is up to you to follow this destiny or not. You can still change course. You alone decide who you want to be."

"I want justice." I hated how vulnerable the words sounded.

"Me too." Jace's gaze softened and if I had thought we couldn't have been closer, he proved me wrong as he leaned in my direction, his mouth tickling the loose hairs by my ear with his breath. "I'd like to kill him myself for what he did to you that night."

His words made me feel ashamed. My body jerked back, trying to break free of his grip. Training against strength. Here Jace was superior to me. His arms tensed and my back felt like it was colliding with steel cables. "Let go of me," I growled, vision red again.

Jace just shook his head, the soft expression not gone. "If you can't make up your mind, I'll help you."

I felt like I was being confronted with all my emotions at once. Jace locked me in a cage of steel arms, and I couldn't escape the fear that ate through my veins like pure poison. I wanted to kill Blake for revenge. I wanted revenge because Blake had humiliated me so deeply that I feared my own weakness. I was afraid because I had never been so helpless in my life, and it reminded me that I was actually not only helpless but also completely on my own.

My throat was tight, and I could feel the tears pooling in the corners of my eyes and I couldn't blink them away. My gaze found Jace' and I was relieved to see no judgment in his eyes. His pupils were fixed on my left cheek and slowly, so slowly the seconds felt like an eternity, he untied one of his arms from my back and raised his hand up to my face. His fingers were warm against my skin. Jace ran his thumb down my cheekbone, then stared down at his damp fingertip. He looked relieved; the emotion was so evident on his face, as if a load had been lifted from his heart. It made me stare back in amazement.

Pain makes us weak, Valentine had kept saying. In his care such things as pain or fear did not exist.

Pain makes us human, Jace had proved me wrong some time ago. For my part, I'd be happy if I felt like you were letting me see it voluntarily.

I was surprised to find that he truly wasn't judging me for what I was feeling. This delusion, which had become so deeply rooted in my soul, could hardly be overcome even now.

Defeated, I closed my eyes and pressed my forehead against Jace's shoulder. He didn't hesitate as he pulled me closer to him. The cold of the roof below us was forgotten for a moment. "They won't accept me anyway, no matter what I do."

Jace stroked my hair in a slow rhythm. "If you do the right thing, maybe eventually they will. Give them time. And even if not; who cares about the rest of the world?"

I leaned back a little to look at Jace's face. He smirked down at me. Though my insides felt like I was going to rip apart at any moment, I couldn't help but smile back. Because while the storm of emotions wasn't going to go away anytime soon, that moment on the roof of Blake Ashdown's house was the first time I felt safe in a long, long time.

-

Hello my friends,

long time no see. I'm really sorry for the long pause but there was so much going on in my life in the past month. University kept me busy and I wasn't feeling too well for some private reasons. A lot is changing atm and I needed some "me-time". 

Still, I'm sorry I kept this cool chapter from you. I really like it and I hope you do too! Please let me know! :)

There won't be an update next week because I'm not at home over New Year's Eve. With the second week of January my uploading-schedule will turn back to normal! :)

Merry Christmas and a happy new year my dear readers!

Skyllen