Chapter 35 – Dead Ends in My Mind

The entrance to the Silent City reminded me of New York. While not in a graveyard, it was also surrounded on all sides by green land. Trees stretched out in all directions, as did the snow, turning everything an indistinguishable white. Somewhere birds were singing. It was a stark contrast to the busy city we had just walked through. The Silent City was isolated enough not to bring the noise and hustle and bustle here. It was the entrance itself that made me think back to New York. It was a stone shrine carved with runes for luck, safety, and strength. Vines grew up its walls, so that many of them could barely be seen underneath. The shrine was surrounded by life-size sculptures of angels holding swords, books and chalices.

The peaceful atmosphere that this place conveyed at first sight had nothing in common with the chaos raging in my chest. I didn't sleep a wink last night. Most of the time I hadn't even lain in my bed. Instead I had slumped on the red tiles of the roof and waited for the sunrise. It was Alec's fault. He hadn't wasted any time and had wanted to leave for the Silent Brothers the day after Jace had told him about the Inquisitor's decision. A Clave loyalist through and through.

Isabelle had begged him to come with us, but he wouldn't hear of it. I still wondered why she had asked his permission in the first place. He wasn't in charge. He was nothing more than an escort.

I hadn't exchanged a word with Alec on the way here, nor had he tried to strike up a conversation with me. I didn't know if he expected a proper apology from me or if he just wanted to hate me for no reason. I was sure he hated me. At least that's how it seemed to me. Every time I felt his gaze on me, I felt the urge to turn to face him, afraid he would do something stupid like stick a dagger between my shoulder blades. I knew deep down that he would never go that far, it was extreme even for Alec. But the expression in his dark eyes told a different story. Was he still afraid that I would harm Jace? We were long past that point, and if Jace had told his Parabatai even a shred of truth, then he had to know about it.

I had hardly spoken to Jace either. A part of me waited for him to take the next step. After all, it was him who had burst into my room at night, wanting to justify his behavior in front of me. There was simply nothing to say from my side. He knew I wasn't happy about having to return to the Silent City. Every time he or Alec uttered a word about it, I'd flinched away from their conversation and moved a little further away from them. Jace must have noticed, because at some point he started whispering so that his words didn't reach my ears anymore.

I'd taken my cloak and hid my face deep in its dark hood as we marched through the city, up to and past the Gard. In fact, in Alicante, it was customary to remove hats when entering the city. Out of respect and because we were a small community, but I couldn't have cared less. I hadn't wanted to be stared at like a leper all the way again. My mood was bad enough and I could not rule out that my patience would break and I would snap at one of the onlookers.

Now we stood at the entrance and waited for one of the Brothers to pick us up. Jace had walked over to the shrine to give them a signal, although I was pretty sure they could sense our presence that way as well. I kept as far away from the shrine as Alec would allow, perched on a wide rock nearby.

Alec was heavily armed. He wore a weapon-belt with several seraph blades and daggers attached and had his bow slung on his back. He looked like he was going to war. It was ridiculous. Worse still, he never took his eyes off me, as if he expected me to get up and run at any moment. The thought was equally ridiculous, and yet it amused me a little. Where should I run to please? Everyone in Alicante knew my face by now. I would never reach the city walls undetected, in the safety of the dark maybe, but not in broad daylight.

My nerves were wrecked, fatigue tugging at my limbs, and Alec wasn't helping me feel any safer. His manner only made the whole situation worse and I grimaced as I watched him. I hadn't stepped out of line for a long time. What would a small misstep cost me? The need to hurt someone itched in my fingers. I didn't notice how I jerked to my feet from the rock, still staring at Alec. My lips parted slightly and a spiteful comment was poised on the tip of my tongue, ready to start this conflict, when suddenly the earth beneath us began to tremble. There was a sound that actually made me want to turn around and run away. A grinding of stone on stone that made my whole body shudder.

Alec jerked his head toward the shrine so fast I got scared for his vertebrae. There was nothing left of the injuries he had suffered in New York. He looked like he was ready to take on an entire army of demons here and now, and the determination in his blue eyes made me not doubt that he was strong enough for it.

The entrance to the Silent City had opened abruptly and Jace had jumped back a few feet, startled. A Silent Brother stood facing him, his body hidden under a dark robe. But the sight of his bony, ancient fingers was enough to push me to the edge of my nervousness. The Brother did not speak a word, neither with his sewn lips nor through his mind. All he did was raise his right hand for us to follow him.

Alec hurriedly walked up to the Brother and disappeared behind him through the dark gate and Jace made moves to follow them too. Only I stood rooted to the spot and felt the terror rise in my limbs. My feelings annoyed me. All my life I had been strong and fearless, but today I feared men who hid under cloaks and mutilated themselves. Not without reason, a voice whispered in my head and I vaguely recalled the feeling when the Brothers had invaded my memory. Every fiber of my body begged me not to let this happen again. I would have loved nothing more than that.

"Are you coming?" Jace called to me across the small meadow, snapping me out of my shock. He was standing exactly where he had been seconds before, right at the entrance to the shrine, watching my every move with his golden eyes. Not like Alec, somehow different, less scary. More like he was looking for something he couldn't find so far.

My legs moved forwards faltering and came to a halt next to Jace. Just for a moment. I could feel his eyes on me, but I looked past him into the darkness. I took a deep breath before descending the stairs.

Entering the shrine was like entering a stuffy, damp cave. A musty smell was in the air. Just like in New York, the stairs seemed to go on forever. The witch light between my fingers cast long shadows on the walls and prevented me from slipping on the wet floor. When I got to the bottom of the steps, I decided not to look back. Last time I had seen a shadow at the top of the stairs. I'd been sure back then that I'd imagined it in all the excitement, but now I was wondering if it maybe had been Jonathan or Valentine. After all, the Brothers had been attacked shortly after our visit.

In front of me stretched the same long, centuries-old corridor, and torches hung on the walls, their magical flames spraying colorful sparks and flickering upwards like licking tongues. I actually liked fire, but this one sent a shiver down my spine. I couldn't help but shudder despite my coat. Without dwelling on my feelings for too long, I started moving again. This was the wrong time to think about them.

Alec and the Silent Brother were way ahead, and I fell in a frantic pace to catch up. I could feel Jace's breath on the back of my neck and automatically wondered how close he was to me. He didn't make a sound. I couldn't even hear his feet moving across the stone. It was either my missing hearing rune or he had applied a rune for silence.

It wasn't the same entrance as in New York, I realized that after just a few minutes when we entered a room with meter-high walls. It opened on either side into chambers with lower ceilings and supported by elaborate pillars. They looked as if they had spent the last thousand years holding up this subterranean framework and would still stand here unchanged for thousands more. Between them, more corridors wound their way into the distant darkness. I had to tilt my head back to see the paintings that someone had painted on the ceilings a very long time ago. Much of the paint had long since peeled off, leaving many of the images incomplete. These were stories from the early days of the Nephilim. Jonathan Shadowhunter was unmistakable.

The Silent Brother did not stop to give us a tour of their sacred retreat. He crossed the hall with long strides and that's when I realized how tall he actually was. Taller than any person I had met in my life. Imagining how long his body must appear beneath the robes didn't help keep my nerves under control. His face was still hidden under the hood, and I fervently hoped he wouldn't take it off once we reached our destination.

We arrived at the end of the hall and between the last two pillars on its right my eyes, scanning every inch of the room, did not find another corridor leading to nowhere. Instead, several tables made of pure adamas were lined up next to each other. Hundreds of thin white candles lit this part of the hall with their yellowish light. The sight of the unchanging dance of flames was the first thing in these caves that gave me a sense of calm.

The hall opened into another, much smaller room. There wasn't a corridor to cross. The room, because it really wasn't more than a room, was circular and the floor was made of marble, unlike in the hall we just came from. Intricate patterns, runes, and images were carved into its surface. The room was not delimited by continuous walls, but was surrounded by stone arches through which one could have passed had not every path been blocked by a tall, cloaked figure. They each held a sword in their bony fingers, the point of which touched the marble.

I stopped so abruptly that Jace, who was still behind me, bumped into me. He mumbled something and held my arm, though I couldn't tell if he was trying to keep himself or me from falling. I didn't hear what he said because I had burst into their midst so unprepared that my blood boiled with panic and my ears pounded. I didn't expect to face them so soon. I had thought that I would have a few more minutes.

Time is a precious commodity, Clarissa Morgenstern, a voice whispered in my head, barely louder than a gentle breeze wafting around my ears. And we all have too little of it.

I straightened my back. Suddenly every fiber in my body was tense. My senses automatically sharpened the environment around me. I had trouble swallowing the defensiveness that was working its way through my muscles to the surface. Jace, standing next to me, gave me a suspicious look. The Silent Brother had probably only spoken to me. I looked past Jace to the Brother who was now standing in the center of the circle. His hands were stretched out in my direction. If he weren't who he was, it could have been a warm, welcoming gesture.

The more you fear, the worse it will be, I heard him say in my head. His voice sounded like death. Not because it appeared hostile, but because it was so cold it felt like being back in the blizzard just outside Alicante.

He and the other Brothers slipped their hoods off in a move so synchronized that I had to look away because they seemed so spooky. As I did so, I met Alec's eyes, who was standing next to Jace on the outer edge of the circle, watching me neutrally. His bow was still drawn at his back, but his right hand rested over the hilt of a seraph blade. What was he waiting for? What was he counting on? The way he pressed his lips together told me he'd rather be somewhere else right now. His blue irises darkened the moment he caught my stare, and he broke eye contact.

My name is Brother Shadrach, the Brother said now, and this time he seemed to be speaking to all three of us. As the thought of his voice echoed through my mind, he took a step back from inside the circle. Please come to the middle.

I followed his instructions and asked myself at the same moment where this enormous fear of the Silent City and its inhabitants actually came from. The fear had been there before my first visit in New York, and not after I learned that Valentine had massacred much of the Brotherhood. I didn't normally fear much, but I had had a bad feeling about them from the start. As if my body knew what they were going to do to me before it actually happened.

Are you ready, Clarissa Morgenstern? Brother Shadrach didn't bother explaining what to expect next.

I looked over my shoulder one last time, at what turned out to be Jace. Our eyes locked on each other for a few seconds, and I didn't know what I was waiting for until Jace finally nodded. As if he wanted to assure me that everything would be fine. I couldn't even put my finger on why the gesture really put my mind at ease. Alec's unhappily contorted face was the last thing I saw before I turned back. I let the air rush into my lungs, inhaling the scent of an ancient, forgotten world, and looked straight into the empty shells of Brother Shadrach's face where his eyes had once been. "Yes I am."

Then close your eyes. My eyelids fluttered shut and I heard him walking towards me. His feet moved silently over the marble. Like a ghost

Two fingers rested on each side of my temple. Cold fingers. So cold that the warmth of my body seemed powerless against them. Again I had to think of the snowstorm. The cold spread in my head like frost spreading on the outside of windows on freezing winter days. My heart was pounding and I was struggling to keep my limbs from shaking. Instead, I focused on my breath.

In and out. In and out. In and out.

Suddenly, a bright light blinded me. I widened my eyes without considering Brother Shadrach's directive, but that only made it worse. The Silent Brother was gone, as was the pressure of his cold fingers on my temples. A flood of images whizzed past me and I didn't have time to focus on details because they flew by so quickly I could only make out fragments.

They were pictures from my childhood. My father. My mother. Jonathan. Our estate surrounded by green forest. Trees. Plants. Alicante from afar.

And then the memories suddenly stopped. As if someone had stopped time. For a moment I saw nothing but white until Jonathan appeared in front of me. His back was to me, and as if suddenly noticing me, he turned his head and looked over his shoulder at me. A triumphant grin spread across his lips and his white teeth gleamed in the bright light that seemed to come from everywhere at once. My eyes slid down his body almost automatically. He held Mellartach in his right hand.

The hilt of the Angel's Sword was soaked in blood and for a moment I wondered why. Only a split second later did I notice the body lying on the invisible floor in front of Jonathan. It was the body of a woman with long red hair. Her wide, emerald green eyes sent a hot chill down my spine that felt like a hundred stabs of a dagger. I stumbled backwards, away from my mother and away from Jonathan. The scream that formed in my throat was hoarse and dry. Jonathan laughed contentedly. "Now the world is finally back in balance."

As I opened my mouth to release the pain from my body, an icy wind lashed at me, seeming to freeze every muscle in my face. The cold air made its way into my lungs. I coughed and blinked several times. Snow flew into my eyes. My knees buckled under my weight. I looked for help, but all I found in front of me was a tombstone with my mother's name on it.

Again I tried to back away, but the snow I was kneeling in had already wrapped its hands around my bare legs and held me in place. A dark figure stood behind the grave. Again it was Jonathan. No smile graced his lips this time. They were shaking and he had twisted his face into a mask of anger. He didn't move an inch, but he didn't have to.

His jet black eyes locked on me like a bow on target as he opened his mouth to yell at me. "You will pay for your betrayal, beloved sister. I'm going to kill them all, every single one of your pathetic friends, and you're going to watch. And then when they're all dead, you're going to die."

"Kill me," I whispered, feeling the tears on my cheeks. "Nothing keeps me here. There is nothing worth fighting for."

The storm around us was loud and relentless and yet my words reached his ears. Jonathan lifted Mellartach and held it out to me. The now silvery tip touched the point between my collarbones. "You must earn this grace."

Another stronger wind blew around us, kicking up the snow from the graves. The view around me went white and Jonathan, who had been standing only a few meters in front of me, disappeared behind the wall of eternal ice. I sat alone in the snow for a moment, then finally the hissing of the storm stopped and when I looked up, winter and every trace that it had ever existed was gone.

Below me stretched the cave beneath the Waylands' estate. I was floating far above the metal cages, staring down at a replica of myself standing in front of the angel with Jace and Adam, shocked and overwhelmed by his existence. He looked exactly as I remembered him. "Ithuriel."

Below me, Jace woke from his stillness and turned to face Clary. "You have to free him." Clary nodded and dropped in front of the circle of runes surrounding Ithuriel. The runes ran in a flowing motion across the grainy ground, and then Ithuriel spread his wings, which reminded me more of a demon's wings. He thrust his sword into his chest and everything around them exploded in a glare. The cave shook beneath Clary, Jace, and Adam. I watched them in fascination as they frantically searched for a way out, so that I noticed the lump too late, which surprisingly brushed my shoulder and pulled me down with it. My fingers flew up trying to grab the air. Rocks buried my body and I was able to turn my head to call for help as Clary created the portal. Its sparks glowed in the deepening darkness of the cave. Adam ran through it, but Clary couldn't get up. Jace had to grab her arm and haul her to her feet. He didn't hesitate for a second as he walked through the portal with Clary in his arms. It vanished into thin air behind them.

A despairing sound escaped my throat, knowing that neither the portal nor the other Clary would return. I was trapped under these rocks and with each tremor more rocks fell on me. Already it was hard not to inhale dust. My eyes darted up to the ceiling of the cave as the cracks in it deepened and eventually collapsed under the weight of the earth. Like a crumbling wooden bridge that collapsed under someone's feet.

I wanted to raise my hands in the air to protect my skull, but the rocks already on top of me blocked my movement. I couldn't do anything but scream as the boulders tumbled down to bury me. Then everything went black.

"Clary," a rough voice called from afar. It sounded panicky. Did they come back? None of this made any sense.

I opened my eyes in wonder because I didn't remember closing them. The pressure on my arms was still there, but as my lids fluttered and bright light shone at me, I stared into liquid gold. No rock far and wide. It wasn't until a heartbeat later that I realized they were golden eyes. Then I remembered where I really was and that it was all in my head. I realized this was Jace. Still, I was unable to speak. My breathing was shallow and heavy, as if I had actually been lying under tons of rubble.

Jace repeated my name and the pressure on my arms increased. "Can you hear me?" Slowly I nodded and looked past him to Brother Shadrach, whose lifeless face was fixed on us. Something about the atmosphere in the room had changed, although I couldn't tell what it was.

"Can you get up?" Jace asked, in a quieter voice than before. I must have imagined the fear in his tone. The fog around my head slowly lifted and I realized that I was lying on the marble floor of the room. Jace was leaning over me and still hadn't moved an inch. As it turned out, he was responsible for the pressure on my arms. His left hand clasped my upper arm and yet it was a careful, almost tentative touch. With his right hand he held my own. The contact felt odd, but that wasn't what worried me.

My whole body was shaking and I couldn't control it. This reaction reminded me so much of the moments after my mother had died that I had to bite my tongue and swallow the lump in my throat to hold back the tears. Under normal circumstances, I would have been ashamed of my body's automatic mechanism, but here I didn't have to pretend. They were all aware of the fear I felt for this place and these people, even if no one spoke openly about it.

My head hurt, indicating I had fallen. Like in the vision, or whatever that had been in my head. I looked down my body and narrowed my eyes. Damp blood clung to my cloak, which I was still wearing over my gear. Nothing was further from my mind at that moment than to stand up. Every muscle in me wanted to stop me.

Nonetheless, I nodded to Jace and sat up. He immediately let go of my hand but stabilized my shoulders with his arm. I stared at him in amazement, not trying to hide my surprise at his uncharacteristic behavior. For a moment he let me see behind his facade; allowed me to see the mix of emotions that seemed to be going on inside him. It didn't change my confusion. Maybe he didn't think I was fully sane so soon after awakening and that's why he let it happen. Perhaps he would be right in his suspicion, the struggle for consciousness had only just begun and the darkness tugging at my limbs was more inviting than the world which lay before me.

As I transitioned into an uncomfortable sitting position, I felt something warm flow down my face. My fingertips turned red as I touched the spot. I was bleeding from the forehead and not just a little. I slowly turned in Jace's direction. A hot, stabbing pain shot through my head and I let out a small gasp before I could even ask my actual question. Jace's grip on my shoulders tightened. "How badly did I hit my head?"

"Well, you dropped to your knees first and then fell back, but I don't think it makes that much of a difference," he replied, almost sarcastically, and smirked slightly.

"My head feels like it's about to explode," I murmured, not returning his smile. What was he so excited about all of a sudden?

"I wouldn't be surprised if you had a concussion," Jace replied, a little calmer now, his right hand slid to his weapon-belt. A second later, a stele glowed between his fingers. The sight of the adamas was almost soothing. Jace was about to draw a rune on my forearm when Brother Shadrach interrupted him.

That will have to wait, Jonathan Herondale.

I could feel Jace pause at the name. We both raised our heads and my vision had cleared enough to see Alec, still standing in the same spot as before. An unhappy mask lay over his features and he didn't look at the Brother of Silence or at me. His dark blue eyes, which reminded me of the ocean, were fixed on Jace.

When the other Brothers suddenly huddled closer and Brother Shadrach didn't respond immediately, Jace raised an eyebrow. "What's going on here?" Something in the eerie way of the Silent Brothers had changed, not only did I feel it, but my attention was still on Alec when the back of my head started pounding again and the edges of his form jumped out of my focus, like a rubber band.

You were negligent in withholding information from the Clave, Clarissa Morgenstern. You broke the oath you gave to Inquisitor Herondale.

Before his words could even seep into my brain, Alec had already jumped forward. "I knew it. She was fooling us the whole time, Jace!"

Jace let go of me with such speed as if he'd burned his skin. I had to stretch out my hands to keep my balance. Betrayal glowed in his golden eyes, which had suddenly frozen to ice. That was the Jace I knew. At that moment I would have given anything to be able to read his mind.

Instead, I pressed my lips together and stared wearily up at the Silent Brother. It took some self-control to hide the confusion that washed over me. "I didn't withhold anything from you–"

Your memories do not lie, Clarissa. It is our legal duty to take you into custody. You will be presented to the Clave that will decide your future fate. In the position you are in, this can result in the Gard, if not death, if you are deemed too dangerous.

A gasp escaped my lips and I jumped to my feet before I could finish the thought rationally. The room swayed around me and a breath later my knees hit the floor again. "About which information are we talking here?" Hiding the panic in my voice was a losing game.

You have kept secret the true extent of your heavenly gift. Your ability to create a portal using a simple rune. In addition, you hid the existence of an angel in Shadowhunter territory.

"What, that's what this is about?" Jace interjected, sounding speechless and dismayed. I looked up at him and saw a mixture of relief and sudden understanding cross his face. Then he suddenly knelt beside me, grabbed my arm and hoisted me to my feet.

The Silent Brothers had gathered in a circle around us, towering over us. The swords in their hands were now pointed at us, as if expecting escape. One wrong move and we'd be dead. A growl left Jace's throat.

You too will be taken into custody, Jonathan Herondale. You knew about Clarissa's gift and the angel. You, too, have not kept your oath to the Clave.

"Then we will answer to the Clave," he hissed angrily and took a step backwards. I had no choice but to follow Jace as he carried most of my weight. My head was resting against his shoulder and my fingers were digging into his gear for support. It didn't seem to bother him. He barely seemed to notice, too focused on Brother Shadrach.

"What's he talking about, Jace?" Alec asked suddenly, apparently left completely in the dark by Jace.

Jace just shook his head. The Brothers started walking and he followed, with me in tow.

-

I know I'm late and I'm very sorry. Unfortunately I fell ill and have a nasty ear infection which keeps me in my bed most of the time. But I didn't want to let you guys wait too long. I hope you liked the chapter and please leave me a comment! :)

Skyllen