Chapter 12 Reunion

Shalom's POV...

I felt Richard nudge my mind and was glad that whatever was in the dart was wearing off. I sensed that it would be a few hours before he could bring Nicolea and to stay inside. I had figured out how to turn on the propane heater and the house was warm. Waiting for them to arrive, I kept my cloak fastened around my neck. It still seemed too weird to me that I could feel my pack mates. In a guilty way, I was grateful for the dart that scratched me in the attack, so I didn't feel them die like Richard did. Feeling the ones who died during the attack on Monarch Mountain was horrible enough and I had nightmares about it.

The wolves and vampiress arrived first, then Nicolea landed and set Lance on his feet. From his expression, it wasn't like flying with his husband and he looked glad to be on the ground in front of the quaint cabin tucked in the nook of the mesa wall.

Dropping my cloak on a chair, I opened the door, holding Justice. "Hello again."

"Woah! I love this view." Lingering outside, Bethany looked at the panorama of the valley through her sunglasses, a balaclava protecting her head and face from the bright sunlight. A few minutes wouldn't kill her, but the sunburn and blisters weren't worth the gentle warmth.

Jon Lance was shivering despite the heavy coat. "I'm freezing. I need coffee."

"Come in, Jon, I have coffee made." I glanced at the wolves shifting and dressing and then closed the door quickly to avoid greeting a certain one of them.

"Shalom," he hugged me. "Thank gawd, you're safe."

"Where's Greyson?"

"We got separated when we found the planes. He's helping Luka get through the Rage," he announced hanging his coat.

"Luka got exposed?" The thought horrified me.

"The werewolf Ravers had been licking the stuff and one mauled him. He's better, Greyson went with him to Canada." Following me to the kitchen, he sat down on a barstool.

"You were right?" I asked but I knew he was. We had all known his suspicion about how the Elm chemical got in the storm was the most logical one. "I'm sorry for Amelia that Luka got exposed."

"Yep, but he recovered quickly." Jon wrapped his hands around the mug I filled; he looked and smelled worried. "So, Richard said the terrorists are changing werewolves into new Ravers and dumping them in the Q.Z.. He also said you found an address where they might be processing it."

"They are but they killed them the same as the other Ravers they darted. There's a place near Cades Depot. Ken's journal said he took the ferry from Patriot's Point to Cades Depot, but Ryan had taken that ferry and knew it didn't go to that town, so after a trip to the local library, we found out there is an Abbott Pharmaceutical research facility there," I revealed.

"Nicolea's idea that it might be organic and that's why it wasn't detected was correct. Greyson told me it was made from the sap and pollen of a certain type of elm tree. He said in the dark ages they burned the forest of Ireland to make sure there were no more of that tree but a dark fae must have saved one. We think they cloned the tree or something but if they are trying to synthicize it there that would be a huge problem."

I frowned, ignoring that the front door opened as we talked, "Why go to the trouble? Elms don't have to be cloned, they can be rooted from branches or grafted like apple trees. They can be propagated and grown very quickly."

Jake was here, I could smell him. I could feel him looking at me. My hands made him a mug of coffee, sweet and dark just like he liked, and I held it out to him without shaking. "Hello, Jake. Welcome back to Colorado."

"Hello, Shalom." His voice felt like a caress of velvet as I fought the urge to shiver. My wolf was overjoyed, me, not so much.

Jake accepted the mug with a grateful look that made me want to cringe, sometimes he managed to mimic Kenneth's expression so exactly it seemed like they were brothers even though they looked nothing alike. He sipped the coffee and smiled.

"How are you really?" His voice had a slight tremor of hope.

"I'm okay, I'm good," I lied as I looked into his storm blue eyes, then away quickly.

When I managed to look back at Jake, I offered, "Would you like to hold Justice? He's gotten so big."

He gulped the last of his coffee then smiled. "Yes, please."

Lifting Justice out of his sling, I held our son out to my mate. The look on Jake's face as he looked at his son was the same one Kenneth used to get when he held one of our children. It was too much for a moment and a tear escaped before I could stop it.

Jake's head jerked toward me as he felt my emotions shift. "Shalom? I'm sorry."

He always said that and for a moment, I wanted to slap him as I felt his familiar regret like my own. Instead, I breathed out slowly. "It's okay, I just wasn't expecting to see you today. Kenneth used to look at M-miles l-like that... I just need a few moments."

Suddenly, Nicolea came to the kitchen door, looking between us worriedly and saved me from the panic attack just beneath my façade. "Shalom, I need to check you. Richard said you were darted."

"Yes. Well, not exactly. I accidently impaled myself." Trying to fake my courage, I handed her the jar of the darts. "I saved some for you."

"Oh, thank you so much. It will save me a lot of work but I still need to check you." She guided me out of the kitchen with her body between Jake and me. "Please excuse us, Monarch."

In the bedroom, she held me as I cried silently. "I'm sorry, Nicolea. I'm so weak... I thought I was doing better but I still fear him." She stiffened so I murmured, "I'm sorry about my dreams." The Redeemed Demonus Fae turned doctor had suffered my nightmares since my soul broke when I woke in the hospital in Oklahoma City only a week after the Revelation night.

"Forgiveness takes time, time you and Jake have barely had because of everything. Don't give up." Nicolea assured me, "He does truly love you; it's not just the bond. You're everything he ever wanted, and he maims his own soul with his guilt over that night."

"I know. We're both living in a nightmare." Wiping my face angrily, I hated everything about our bond and trauma. Unbuttoning and pulling off my shirt, I held out my arm. "In the attack, several darts got stuck in my scarlet cloak. One scratched my elbow, and I could feel my wolf, but I couldn't shift. I thought I pulled them all out before I ran into the forest. The drones they were using flew right over me like they couldn't see me."

"Richard said the cloak hid you from them and hid you both from helicopters searching for you in the storm. I didn't know the cloaks worked for technology too. It's amazing," she responded as she looked at my elbow. "What is this white stuff?"

"A mixture of unseasoned meat tenderizer and baking soda. Richard put it on to draw out the poison." I pulled down the borrowed sweatpants to show her the welt on my leg. "Richard tore my jeans open to treat this one. I missed a dart in my cloak and when I slipped and slid down a hill, it jabbed me. I don't know how long I was out before he found me, but he carried me all night after treating me and made me drink water or gatoraide every time I woke up."

"It was wise of him. Have you been feeding Justice?" Nicolea asked me in her soothing voice.

"No, we were afraid whatever was in the darts would contaminate my milk. He said it smelled like things that would hurt a pup so he got a can of formula for Justice from a store, but it is making him colicky. I milked myself dry twice since this morning. I saved it for you to test because it smelled metallic, and I've been drinking as much water as I can. I need to do milk myself again; these udders are getting full." I gave her a half-smile and shrug as she laughed.

"Uhm, do you mind if I taste your milk? Fae have sharper senses than wolves."

Nervously, I nodded, not knowing what to expect, as I pulled up my shirt but before I could express out some milk, Justice shouted his hungry unhappiness, and I immediately began to drip from my nipples. Grabbing several tissues from a dusty box on the dresser, Nic looked amused as she handed them to me. She caught a few large drops on the back of her hand. Sniffing then tasting the milk with just the tip of her tongue, she scowled in concentration.

"I can't taste or smell anything abnormal in your milk, you should be able to nurse him this time, but your aura says you still need rest to completely recover. Maybe feed him and take a nap?"

"I could..."

"Shalom?" Jake knocked, he sounded oddly desperate, and I could feel his worry on the other side of the door.

"Coming," I called back, quickly pulling my shirt on and stuffing the tissues over my nipples. Opening the door, I almost collided with Jake holding Justice then I fell on my butt as I backpedaled.

"His diaper leaked," Jake apologized like it was his fault, and held out his hand to me. Mustard yellow slime covered the side of his arm and front of his shirt.

Instead of touching him, I stood on my own then reached out for our son with trembling hands. "I'll clean him up. There's a shower in the other bathroom down the hall. I turned on the hot water heater earlier, it should be warm."

"Don't be afraid," he murmured; his eyes conveyed his regret and hurt feelings.

"I'm fine," I lied again, retreating into the adjacent bathroom.

The water was warm, so I quickly bathed Justice. Then as I sat feeding him, I listened to Richard telling the others what we learned about Cades Depot and the rustling of papers. Jon and Nicolea revealed what they had learned about the Dust of Rage. Will added that he had been able to resist and overcome the second exposure before Nicolea explained about the effects on his Limbic system. When I felt Jake watching me, I turned my head. He was standing there, shirtless with a towel around his neck.

"Can I look in here for a shirt? The one Saul found for me is too small."

My wolf appraised him and stared at his perfect muscles for a solid minute, then I blinked and made myself look away.

'Stop ogling him!' I scolded her as she snickered in my head about what a handsome mate we had. "Sorry, my wolf thinks you are pretty." I glanced at him.

He grinned, answering, "My wolf thinks you're pretty too."

For a moment, it was funny. For a moment, it was what we could be, then I felt the cold of that night and hallucinated the white snow and fence spattered red with the blood of my family. I closed my eyes and fought against the horrors because Greyson and Galen had not been able to completely remove the thorn Gerard planted in my mind to make me fear Jake. Greyson told me that the only way to weed it out at the roots was to completely forgive Jake and myself for the deaths of Molly and Miles. I had to make friends with my monster and come to terms with the monster I had become. Warm hands cupped my face, opening my eyes I looked into his grey-blue eyes, as he knelt in front of me.

"You're not a monster and mine will never hurt you again," he vowed with everything within him.

"I know... I can feel it." I knew he meant it, but my fear screamed just as loud. "W-why don't you take Justice? I... I..."

"Just need a minute. I know, they told me what he did to you to make your fear of me worse... You're so strong and I'm so sorry... Nic said you should rest. Have a nap, I'll keep him safe." He took our son and closed the door behind him so I could cry in peace.

VvvvvV

Shalom...

Waking, I heard Jake talking to Justice and suffered a strange sense of déjà vu. My full breasts and the darkness beyond the window told me it was time to feed my son, just like the evening after he was born. My sleep had been filled with the starts of so many nightmares that faded as soon as they began but I knew them all so well that I didn't have to dream the whole to feel the trauma. I opened the door and started down the hall. A shaking hand rose to the wall, but Bethany caught it. A moment ago, she wasn't standing there.

"Are you alright?" Her concern was so genuine. "You smell upset, terrified."

I gave her a brave smile, "I will be fine. I just had a few bad dreams."

She snorted humorously, "Fine? Freaked out, insecure, neurotic, and emotional?"

A cough of a laugh came out, but I couldn't stop myself from repeating what Molly's friend Rue and her sister Tara used to say. "Nope. Feisty, intelligent, nice ass, and exceptional."

She laughed, revealing, "My nieces say something like that all the time."

"Did they..." I couldn't finish the question, so many didn't make it out alive.

"Yeah, they did. My beloved's sister-in-law got most of their rural community to safety, but her husband didn't make it out of the city from his job. She was the only one of those I called to warn that night who listened." Her tone and scent revealed to me her beloved was dead.

"I'm sorry for your loss." The words came out automatically.

"Thank you. I'm better." Her tone was strange.

"Better?"

"Better is Raenee's favorite word. She always says be better, not bitter. Better isn't a miracle or a magical cure. Better is one day at a time. Better is baby steps. Better is a purposeful struggle toward something more than I had a moment ago, an hour ago, a day ago. I choose to be better, not bitter." Bethany's eyes were intense as she repeated a phrase I had heard before and I suddenly remembered a fellow Autism mom who advocated for her son and other Spectrum families in the southeastern part of the county. I was glad her family made it.

"Jake's in the bedroom at the end of the hall." She squeezed my hand and went back toward the living room. Trying to take her words to heart, I promised myself, I won't give up. I will get better.

In the second bedroom, Jake was sitting in a rocking chair. His eyes popped open as he rocked slowly. "Good evening."

"Hey... Is he hungry?"

"I think he's getting there; he's starting to root around and suck on his fist," Jake answered then added, "The others went back to sweep the airport and town for bugs and cameras. Bethany stayed here to keep watch." He looked down at Justice then looked at me intensely. "Will is going to fly with Bethany back to her coven in Canada to check on Luka. I want you to go with them. I'll handle Cades Depot."

"No. I'm going." He opened his mouth to argue, but I shook my head, holding up my hand to forestall his response. "Jake, I need to do this. I don't just need to prove Kenneth innocent; I need to prove Aliza guilty. This is the first step to stopping them from ever doing this again. They are already kidnapping werewolves and exposing them to the Dust of Rage just enough to change them. You weren't with us. You didn't see that boy. He was Miles' age or younger, and they made him into a Raver. I'm going to stop her."

"Then I am going with you."

"No," I refused again, "I need you to protect Justice."

"Shalom, I already told you why that won't work for me," he growled. The vibration of his chest woke Justice who whimpered.

Grumpily, I took our son and sat down on the couch. "Why do you have to be so difficult?"

"Why do you?"

Taking a deep breath, I began to breastfeed our son while I admitted, "I... I need to stop Aliza so that my husband and children didn't die in vain. She tainted everything good in my life."

"And what about the child your holding? Isn't he worth living for?" Jake demanded.

Tears fell down my cheeks, as I confessed, "I don't know how to be his mother. I'm not a wolf. I wasn't raised a wolf."