8 year ago...

  When a child is born, I wonder what she or he might feel for the first time. Nobody remembers that first feeling when they starts to grow up. I always wonder what I might have first felt when I was born. A newborn baby, so innocent to the truth of life he or she might have born into, cries before smile. The baby only smiles until she sees her mother smiles at her. That is the only time when a mother smiles seeing her baby's first cries.

Hope was born on June 21st 2013. It was the brightest and the longest day. She was born into my life as a beautiful healthy baby on a summer solstice day when everyone said she cannot see the daylight. She immediately filled me with brightness in my dark world when I pushed her out from my womb. I didn't shed a single tear that day but I smiled a lot after a long time. Even though I was exhausted from the labour, I laughed when my baby girl first cried. When the doctor laid her in my arms for the first time, She smiled when I smiled at her. Then I knew what she is going to be in my life. She was my hope, my only hope for a life that was waiting for me in the future. She was the reason for my life and I will live it for her.

There was lot of wrong choices that I made in my life, but I will never take back the day my baby was born. I was told by many that I was risking my life for her. On the day I knew of her existance, my best friend's wanted her to die. All the doctors said about the complications I had to go through to make her live. They said sacrifice is the only thing that was left to do. It's either her life or mine, and I chose hers. I was just a living dead person who had nothing left except this life that was growing in my womb. I was an 18 year old orphan who was pregnant with a baby that was abondon by the love of her life. The only reason she had to stay alive was for that baby.

Six months ago, when I landed to a foreign country, I had thrived to stay alive for that little baby. I was a homeless who had a scholarship to world's most prestigious school. But nobody will except a unmarried girl who was carrying a baby, the world is cruel enough for that. Yet, there where people like Martha and Will who are godsend to such disadvantaged people like me. They welcomed me with warm hands, gave me a roof to sleep in, food to eat, helped me with school and took me to doctor so that both me and my baby would live.

Martha cared about me just like a mother cares about her child. She was always beside me when I break down thinking about my misfortune. Will, on the other hand often visited me in school as well as in Martha's being a good friend who supported and cared for me. My gynecologist said that it would take a miracle for my baby to be born. As  she grew in my womb, the weeker I was getting physically. I was often sick and tired but mentally I was getting stronger day by day. All I wanted was for her to live. I didn't care if I had to trade my life for her, if all it takes is a miracle, I will make it happen. And it did happen on a summer solstice day when she was born into this world with a loud cry.

"You are my Hope, my little miracle. You will live baby. Live." I kissed her forhead before the nurse took her away. I watched as my vision gets blurry when her pink body is wrapped in a white towel. I breathed her scent for the last time, before I slipped into darkness again.

~~~

Hazel. Habibti. My love.

'YOU NEED TO STAY ALIVE FOR YOUR BABY.'

Ya rouhi. My soul.

Lub dub. Lub dub. Lub dub.

Ya Amar. My moon.

'We are losing the patient. She needs AED.'

Ya Hayati. My life.

'STAY ALIVE.'

Ya Habibi Alby. Love of my heart.

NO... NO... STAY WITH US. Peeeep....

Ya Helo. My beautiful.

'STAY AWAKE. DOCTOR WE ARE LOSING HER.'

Enta Habibi. You are my love.

"HAZEL... YOU CAN FIGHT THIS. PLEASE STAY FOR YOUR BABY.'

Ana bahebak. I love you.

'YOU NEED TO LIVE FOR HOPE.'

Hazel, I want you. I need you. I love you.

'No.... Don't die. Please be alive. Live Hazel. Stay strong.'

Peeep. Peeeeeep.

I am sorry for leaving you like that. I loved you baby. More than anything in this world. I lived because of you and I want you to live for your baby. Please stay for your hope.

Dub lub dub lub dub lub

~~~

"Wake up already. That's a long sleep you had, don't you think?" I think I heard Will's voice somewhere but I couldn't see him. It was still darkness everywhere.

"Tell your mummy to wake up little one." I heard his voice yet again. I was weak but with the little strength I had, I slowly opened my eyes.

Light pierced through my eyes so I shutted it again. I slowly opened my eyes blinking it few times.

"Hazel... She woke up. Martha she woke up."

"Don't scream boy. I can see. You are waking up that baby in your arms."

"Mm... Whh..." I tried to speak but I couldn't.

"Don't tire your body." Martha said coming by my side. She started to smooth away my hair.

"Hope... Where is my baby?" With every strength I had left I asked.

"She is here, Hazel. She was waiting for her mother to wake up." Will said.

"What ha-"

"Don't talk much. We will answer you everything. Just rest a bit. Doctor will be here soon." Martha said.

I really wanted to see my baby but I was too tired to stay awake. After few seconds the doctor came.

"Finally you are awake." Dr. Patil said. She checked my vitals and gave me a medicine to eat. Martha brought liquid juice for me to drink. Within few minutes, I felt rejuvunated than before.

" Thank you doctor." I said to Dr. Patil.

"No... no... It was all you Hazel. It's rare to see a medical miracle. You made a miracle, Hazel. We are all proud of you." She smiled and went away.

"My hope?" I asked. I heard her cry as soon as I said her name. Will slowly placed my baby wrapped in a soft white blanket in my hand. I kissed her forhead and soaked in her smell. She had grown a little than how I remembered  She had tiny dark hair in her head and her face was paled with rosy blushes in her cheeks. Her nose were tiny and pointed like mine. He lips were red like blossoms and her ears were rounded and broad. But her eyes were exactly like his.

"You have made the cutest little baby in the world. Congratulations. Look at her eyes just like looking into ocean." Will said.

"What happened?" I asked slowly.

"You were in coma dear. We thought we might lose you but here you are. You made it." Martha answered for me.

"For how many days?" I looked at Will who now sat near my leg in the bed. His face ashen as I asked.

"Not days. It took weeks. It's almost a month now." Martha said.

"A month? Hope... How?"

"We took care of her. She missed her mother but she is a good baby. She is good with us. Never had to try hard to take care of her. She made it very easy for us." Will said.

"You were the one having hard time Hazel. We were losing you but you kept fighting. You had an attack. For a second, your heart stopped beating but then you overcomed every hardles. You are a survivor Hazel. Whoever broke your heart should know that." Martha kissed my forhead.

"Thank you. Thank you." I said as I tear up.

Thank you wasn't enough for what they both have given me and Hope. Martha had accepted a homeless stranger to her own family. By accepting me, she was taking in not one but two lonely souls who had no one but each other.

Years passed and I got to give Hope something I didn't have and I wished I had. A family with a loving grandmother and  father like figure. She was happy. She never had to see what real life looked like. She was innocent just like the day she was born. I wanted her to never see and feel what I have been through. She will never experience the harsh reality of life. This was the only prayer and blessing I can give my child as a mother.