I never left the apartment without a pair of sunglasses on. I never left my phone on ringer anymore. I deleted every form of contact that people could access me through. And yet the fire online about me raged on.

I soon became accustomed to toxic comments that people I had never met spewed about me, but it was the reaction closer to home that stung the most. It would have been easier if they had been angry, but the disappointment from my own mother was also a burden too heavy to bear. We had spoken once since, and the conversation has ended in me choking on my own sobs.

Alone. I felt so horribly alone. And that was why I found myself heading to the only place I knew would greet me without the coldness the rest of the world seemed to be giving me - Jackson.

In my gut I knew it was not a good idea. In my gut I knew that I was not in the right state of mind to see him, and that it would only end in more destruction. But when you're already in the middle of the storm, what is a little more pain added to it all?

He looked shocked to see me, and we stood in his doorway for a moment in awkward silence. His eyes widened, and I thought I could see them gleam over a little with a small film of water. Coughing, the silence was broken and he ushered me inside.

I was hit by a wave of dejavu at the fact that I had been here a year earlier in a state of distress as well after Yoongi. That lifetime felt so long ago. My pain then seemed so trivial in comparison to the continual and constant tearing of my heart.

"You came back," he whispered, sitting opposite me.

I could sense there was something lingering in his words. You came back to me. That was what he meant. There was a part of me that wanted to correct him, tell him that I came to escape Namjoon and my past, but I was too weary to say anything at all. Instead, I continued to look at him before I burst into tears.

At the first sight of them he rushed over and pulled me closer to him, and I sobbed into his chest. I was tired of crying, and my eyes ached yet the tears still continued to flow and flow until my chest physically hurt. Pulling away from him, I noticed the rings of tears in his own eyes that he was restraining.

Our eyes met and for a moment I held my breath. The air between us was charged with a dangerous electricity that neither of us knew how to control. Slowly our faces moved together against our own will, and our lips connected tentatively.

The noise in my head cleared for a split second as we kissed, but the moment I pulled away I felt a sickening sense of dread fill me. I couldn't even look him in the eye as I moved away, my own body wishing that I could reverse time.

"Why did I do that?" I whispered to myself, standing up abruptly from the couch much to his protests.

"Can't you see I'm better for you than him? Who has been here for you this whole time? Who has cared for you relentlessly and consistently? He doesn't love you like I do!" he yelled, standing up to try and pull me close to him again.

"Don't touch me," I snapped icily, taking a step backwards, "I don't love you Jackson. I thought we were friends. I thought you were the only person in this world that I could rely on right now but you use my situation to exploit my sadness. My loneliness-"

"Don't twist this situation," he cut me off sharply, "It takes two people to kiss like we did. Don't blame me for your inability to get your head straight. Take a minute to think about the way you've treated me - I am only ever needed when you need comfort. And then I have to watch you run back to him."

"Jackson-"

"I don't deserve this. No one does. I'm sick of being your back up plan. I thought you had come here today because you realised what you finally wanted in life, but clearly not. Don't speak to me until you do," the look on his face broke what was left of my heart.

I had no words to say to him. Because he was right. I had treated him horribly and unfairly. I was so caught up on my own pain that I didn't notice the other people I was hurting in the process.

Stumbling out of his apartment in a daze, I made my way back out onto the street. Tears streaming down my cheeks, I could focus on nothing but the memory of the pain on his face. And how I had been the cause of that all.

Laying in bed, I couldn't shake the undeniable feeling that I needed to change myself. My attitude towards life. I needed to mature before I hurt anyone else. I needed to improve myself before I could expect anything more from others around me. I would make it up to Jackson one day, that I swore to myself.

While Jackson had not given me the comfort I craved, he gave me something a lot more important. Motivation. Motivation to finally move forward with life and make things happen. I couldn't continually live in the shadow of the pain of heartbreak. I was the solution to all my own problems.

-

she ain't perfect, but she's trying.

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