Best way to answer the phone:

Mario's pizzeria and abortion clinic, your loss is our sauce.

"Miss, can you put your phone away? That's so rude. Teenagers these days," the snooty old man sneered beside me.

"Sorry, I usually tweet at funerals but this one was so good, I had to send it," I whispered back. "If you want to follow me, my handle is @AliceHatter. I tweet every morning so be sure to retweet." I winked at his stunned face and pocketed my phone.

The couple stood under the wedding arch sewn together by white orchids. Funeral flowers. That was sick.

"I, Isaac Charlie, take thee, Janice West, to be my wedded Wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part." The poor sucker took his fiancee's hand and grinned.

The priest half glimpsed above his book, unamused by what looked to be his hundredth wedding today. "If anyone feels this couple should not be united in Holy Matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace."

I rose from the crowd. A sea of heads turned in my direction, and I fixed my crooked sunglasses that sat on the bridge of my nose.

Appalled, the priest ushered a hand forward for me to say anything. "Objection, Miss?"

The thought about why I was here unleashed a wave of nausea that slammed into my chest and left a morning sickness in my throat. "Yeah, yeah, I'm supposed to be saying something right now..." I pulled out the silver flask from my coat, unscrewed the cap and jugged the rest of last night's mystery beverage. My breakfast burned down my throat and my head suddenly cleared.

"Yes! I remember now!" The bolt of realization struck down on me and I raised the flask. "I'm here to kill the bride!"

A series of gasps passed down the row of well-dressed folk. The priest dropped his cute booklet thing that had the same sign as my pregnancy test back in high school.

I nodded as I took in the appalled faces. "You all may die in here. But don't worry, it'll be an honorable death. I'm kind of a legend so you'll be remembered quite well in your grand children's history books."

Frantic murmurs rose as more people turned their torsos towards me.

"If you look closely," I explained. "Bride-zilla's wedding gown is actually made out of spiderwebs. The cute blonde bun she's rocking? Each hair strand is from a doll I collected from garage sales. Those crystal blue eyes the groom has been staring into? Made out of toilet bowl water. See"—I squeezed past a girl to get to the aisle but the lady beside her refused to move her knees—"Miss, I'm in the middle of making a dramatic beginning to a story and the walk down the aisle would build good tension, so could you just shift your legs to the—Ah, perfect. Thank you!"

I stepped on the carpet of rose petals that led up to the altar. "You're all confused. Who is this strange woman that just objected against a couple who swore to love each other till death? That's because their marriage is a lie. One of them is already dead. I created that bride with my own hands. You may ask, 'Is this strange woman a God? Is she the Devil? Is she just crazy?'"

"Who are you?!" a voice shouted from the crowd.

"I'm Doctor Hatter. I make perfect people. With my own two hands, I create them and sell them to spinsters, widows or any human looking for the perfect partner to marry. Single people are a stable market."

"But my business was a mistake and I'm here to fix it. My perfect people broke out of my lab and now pretend to be like you."

A crackling snap startled the room. The bride's head was turned sideways and her blue eyes rotated until they were two black beads that stared back at me.

"Now I'm here to destroy the medicine I made for mankind: the perfect human."

An echo of more snaps followed and I watched the row of bridesmaids snap their necks to the side. Of course, the bride created her bridesmaids to be perfect machine killing people too. The perfect people were becoming smarter.

"Perfection is more than a medicine," I confessed. " It turns into a sickness. It wants to possess you, destroy your individual beauty and crush the soul that makes you special. I learned that the hard way and the world is paying for my ignorance."

I swept my gaze across the confused eyes of innocent lives. "What I meant was that perfection will kills in the end."

The dead silence stretched further in the room. "Metaphorically speaking. I'm kinda doing this cool analogy thing right now. What's actually going to happen is that once my creation, Janice, marries you, Isaac, she will suck the soul out of your body and kill you, and move onto another man to suck on his soul. These perfect people physically feed on insecurities to stay alive. And you we all know humans are very rich in insecurities. Gotta love our natural Vitamin-I. So they'll probably try to kill all of you too. "

The bride's mother-in-law shot up. "Isaac, baby, I told you Janice was a freak like the rest of her family. She's not even human! Don't marry her!"

One of the bridesmaids pulled out a gun from her cleavage and shot Isaac's mother. Her cold body hit the ground with a thunk. "I never liked that bitch anyway."

"The boob pocket," I said. "Nice." The bridesmaids removed guns from all of their cleavages. "Ah. Is this the new trend? First fidget spinners and now this. I love being a Millennial." I lunged at the bridesmaid before anyone could react.

My knees pinned her to the ground and her last breathe emerged before my sharp nails clawed past the purple silk of her dress and sunk through her soft flesh. I grabbed her spine and then crushed it within my fingertips. A wild screech choked past her blue lips as her white blood splashed across my face, like how you squish a tomato in your hands.

"Kill the creator!" the bride cried out.

A sick laugh rumbled up my throat and I removed my drenched hand to unsheathe the sword from my the back of my coat. This never played out like those terrible action movie scenes where the generous enemies took polite turns to attack the victim. No—these killers were unmannered wrecking balls who caged together.

As I straddled the corpse, I didn't have time to hop onto my feet, and somersaulted backwards to dodge a bullet. I landed with bent knees and saw the first bridesmaid charge at me. I swiftly lowered on one knee and sprung up to come down with my sword. It drove straight from the crowd of her forehead, down her neck, to the chest, the blade cutting clean down her stomach and finished at the split between her legs; completely dividing her in half.

The two floppy pieces collapsed.

I spun around to dodge a different bridesmaid's fist to the right and bent to avoid another. I followed after with my leg that swerved around to clip both their temples. Their cold bodies hit the ground.

When a fist drove past my ear, I shoved my hand into her eye and pulled out the slimy socket. I then whipped it like a helicopter and clubbed the other bridesmaid with it before piercing the knife in her chest.

The four bodies knocked to the floor and I sensed a bullet fly to the right and ducked, sweeping my leg to catch a bridesmaid off her feet.

Guns fired so I dove behind the wedding cake table and my back slammed against the table legs. I slid my sword back in its sheathe and I gathered the two daggers from my boot. I sucked in a quick breath, whipped around to face open fire and climbed on top of table. I stepped on the cake for extra leverage and leaped off of it. While soaring in the air, I stabbed the daggers in the shooter's eyes.

I flipped over and landed on my boots, her eyeballs stuck to the blades. "Pupil kabobs anyone?" I said.

The last shooter couldn't answer; she was busy with a throat full of raw BBQ.

The final round of bridesmaids rushed in a line after me. I dropped my daggers and I sprung for my sword. I made a mad dash towards them and swung the sword out by my side as the blade extended. I slid across the floor on my knees and cut their legs off like butter. White blood squirted along my face, and the silvery taste of coconut reminded me I only had coconut flour in my house when I made Janice.

I bounced back to my feet an my boots stepped into the pool of white condensed milk, splashing the traumatized witnesses. Milk for body liquids? That was new.

I licked the running dribble of blood down my blade. "Anyone else?" I sweetly drawled.

As if my words released them from a spell, the wedding guests jumbled to their feet, and some face planted into the blood puddles before they scrambled for the church doors. A woman even tripped over the bridesmaid's head and screamed as she staggered to the exit.

I was kidding of course. I'd never kill a human. At the rate history was going, they'll end up killing each other anyway.

Now it was just me and the bride; creator and creation; mother and daughter.

"You'll never be able to catch all of us," she hissed and circled around me. "We're multiplying faster than you can kill. We have a new creator now."

"Momma told you not to lie, sweetheart," I spoke and retrieved the sword from my back.

She sprung forward but I caught her hair and hurled her to the ground. The wooden floors cracked underneath her and I crawled on top of her.

Her fearless leader look dissolved into her colourless face. "Y-you're going to regret this."

My human shaped teeth grew into wolf fangs and I delved my teeth into her torso. I ripped off the slippery flesh and a shriek made up of a human scream and a demon howl sent my ears ringing.

My eyes took in her thumping mechanical heart that turned rusty and corroded. Her newly done nails scratched into the floor, scales flickering up her arms.

Then I buried my sword into her heart. An eerie screech spazzed out of her mouth. Her squishy body trembled under my hands as her gleaming nails clawed for my throat. Her weak gaze struggled to meet my eyes and she hissed, "Our new creator knows you."

Abruptly, her heart pumped faster under my hands. Her lips turned blue as they formed a crooked smile. "He knows you so well."

My fingers tightened under the handle, and I lowered to her face, inhaling the smell of death. It was near. Her filthy pleas for surrender heightened and her wails of lying promises irritated my ears.

"He will save us. He will save us from you!" she cried out.

I flashed a wicked grin and my voice shrunk to a coarse whisper. "And who is this non-existent man that you claim is making more of my creations?"

Her bottom lip trembled and she spoke under her breath. "Your husband."

My eyes darkened and I twisted the blade to hear her heart break. "Ex husband," I corrected. Her gut-wrenching cry bounced off the church walls and she fell limp.

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