THE REASON

chapter twenty-seven ; accept yourself
[ season six – episode one ]

   KLOE SLAMMED OPEN the door to the infirmary, both of her hands shaking violently. She scared herself again. She pushed her knife against someone's throat... she scared herself. Her heart thumped at a high pace from consternation. Even if Pete had deserved it after what he did to Reg... she'd still fret for her sanity.

The first place she thought to go was where Rosita and Isabelle were, being the infirmary. Her breathing unstabled, in dire need of an inhaler. She didn't know when she was going to get used to herself being the way she was — she knew deep down that no matter what, she was going to snap if something bad happened. She hated that part about her, but she needed to learn to accept that fact sooner or later.

Acceptance. People thought acceptance was always the beautiful act. That it was only about fostering inclusivity, empathy, and understanding, creating a world where everyone felt valued and accepted just as they were.

Yet no one saw the bad side to acceptance.

The bad way of acceptance was acknowledging its existence or occurrence without denying or ignoring its negative impact. It involved facing reality, finding ways to cope, and to seek growth or positive change despite the challenges presented. It was about embracing the truth and finding resilience.

All the things Kloe Rhee couldn't do.

"Kloe?" someone called out in a raspy voice due to underuse. The sound of the voice didn't belong to Rosita nor Isabelle, resulting in Kloe snapping her head up toward the lone bed in the room. The tremble in her hands' tendons eased, a smile sprouting on her lips.

"Tara, oh my God," she virtually gasped, nearly tripping on her own feet as she scrambled over to the woman. "You're okay," she beamed with relief, crouching down onto her knees beside the bed.

"Yeah, I'm peachy," Tara nodded. The back of her head rested on the metal bars for the bed, still light-headed and somewhat out of it from all the hardcore drugs she was on. Her eyes dropped down to Kloe's hand. "Your hand okay?"

"Oh, you mean this?" Kloe giggled, lifting up her hand that was still wrapped in a bandage from two days before. She shook her head with a heartwarming smile, "I'm fine, Tara. Just a stupid sprained hand that I partially caused anyway— Also, I'm sorry for ruining this truly amazing moment, but I just sprinted like I was Usain Bolt or something and I triggered my asthma. I was meant to come here this morning but I slept late and I forgot."

"On it," Isabelle grinned, spinning around and walked over to the set of unit drawers on the other side of the room. Kloe rose to her feet, holding her hand over her chest as she breathed. The smile on her lips stayed put as she looked down at Tara, who returned the same smile. She had apparent stitches at the top of her head which faded into her hairline, going into the roots of her hair. A bruise painted under her left eye, fairly dark but hardly noticeable unless you focused on it.

"Wait, espérate," Rosita muttered under her breath, stepping over to Kloe as she set her hand on Kloe's shoulder. "You're covered in blood. What happened? Is it yours?" she rushed out quickly, concerned.

"No, no, I'm fine—" Kloe breathed out, suddenly being reminded of the events that had occurred only recently. "Uh, Rosita, I think you're promoted."

"What?"

"Um, there's a lot you need to catch up on." The tremble in Kloe's bones returned evidently. "Pete killed Reg, and I— Abraham pinned him down and I— I put my knife against his throat," she said barely above a whisper as her voice shook. Rosita's head moved side to side as she rubbed her friend's arm comfortingly. "I put my knife against his throat," she repeated, almost on the verge of tears. "Rick shot him in the head... that's whose blood this is," she finally clarified.

The presence of Isabelle joined the pair's side as she lifted an inhaler into view. "C'mon, use this and we'll get you cleaned up," the Marshel woman supportively stated as Kloe appreciatively took the inhaler. Isabelle walked back over to the side of Tara's bed, briefly shining a Pupil Gauge into her eyes.

Rosita muttered a few more comforting things to Kloe to calm her down, all up until the door once again slammed open. Rosita, Kloe, and Isabelle simultaneously snapped their heads over to the door, Kloe's heart almost rocketing out of her mouth when she noticed a bloodied Glenn and Nicholas stumble through.

Her eyes broadened as she heard their grunts, neither of them looking up to see the four faces watching them. Glenn's arm was wrapped around Nicholas' shoulders, both having blood running down their faces. Glenn limped, his face contorted with pain. Behind them was an out of breath Jayce, his own look of exhaustion present on his face.

She was frozen with shock for a moment, the unforeseen happening before her eyes. Rosita was the first to dash over to them worriedly, helping Glenn put Nicholas on one of the seats as he coughed violently. Kloe blinked rapidly, snapping back to reality as she sped over to her husband.

Setting her hands on his arms, she steadied him as he swayed. He lifted his eyes to her, something in them switching as he watched her. "Wh— what happened? Are you okay?" she asked with deep concern. "How did...?" her eyes flickered between him and Nicholas.

"I'm fine," he told her blankly, causing Kloe's heart to sink into the lowest of depths into her stomach. He was still mad at her... But why? Kloe hadn't done anything wrong. He broke away his gaze from her, slipping away from her grasp.

Glenn's eyes landed on Tara, the blankness in his eyes soon lighting up as Kloe stayed completely still. She stared at the wall, holding back every uge to not just rush out of the infirmary and sleep anywhere but inside. "You guys look like shit," Tara humorously stated, referring to the amount of bruises and blood stains Glenn and Nicholas were coated in. Jayce found himself smiling brightly as he looked down at Tara, chuckling at her small witty jokes like usual.

Kloe finally turned around and faced Tara, and despite how she felt about her husband during that time, she couldn't help but smile too. Another part to Glenn's sudden anger was due to the fact that deep down, he thought Tara wasn't going to make it either to Aiden and his gang's reckless actions. If not only Noah had died, but Tara too, he wouldn't know what to do with himself. Kloe was sympathetic for him.

Rosita was quick to Nicholas' aid immediately. Isabelle ushered Glenn to sit down as he approached Tara, relieved that she was okay. "Tara?" the voice belonging to Maggie Greene came from the doorway, making Kloe and Jayce whip their heads over to her direction.

"I'm okay," Tara informed, nodding her head slowly before pointing over to Glenn, Nicholas, and Jayce. "Just check on them." Maggie's head twisted over to Jayce, and she didn't think twice to rush over to him. He was completely fine, just painted with blood that didn't belong to him. He shared a brief glance with Glenn, to which they both shared a knowing look before he looked back to Maggie.

Jayce began explaining what happened to Maggie, but Kloe didn't want an explanation from an eavesdrop. She wanted to be told directly to her face. She stepped over to Glenn once more as Isabelle shuffled over to the side to grab more equipment.

"Hey," Kloe said sharply, a stern look in her eyes as Glenn looked up at her, "you might not want to talk to me right now, and to be honest, who the hell knows why? But it'd be appreciated if you tell me what the hell went on out there, because I'm worried."

"Don't be," he grunted, pain pulsing from his side. "We were out there. There were walkers... We ran into them," he lied through his teeth, something he had developed in his list of skills. Jayce gulped unnoticeably. He had been on his own out there, searching for just one thing in particular. It had gotten dark, and he was on his way back to Alexandria when he saw someone in the distance with his gun pushed against the other's forehead on the ground...

If he hadn't arrived when he did, he didn't even know if Nicholas would have been with them right then. Glenn was angry, and he had every right to be. Although, when the three helped each other get back to the community, Glenn told him.

He told him—

"You've been shot," Kloe stated, her eyes broadened and her brows brushed together as she pulled the layer of clothing away from Glenn's shoulder. He gently wrapped his hand around her wrist and pulled it away from him, avoiding eye contact. "Glenn," she warned, "walkers don't shoot."

"It was a ricochet, Kloe," he told her convincingly, his hand remaining around her wrist. She couldn't deny the fact that it was nice she was actually speaking with him and feeling his touch, but the atmosphere around them was strange. The blankness in his dark eyes had been replaced with another certain look — one that begged her to believe him. Her instinct made her eye twitch as she slowly turned her head to the side.

Not even a second had she looked at Nicholas before Glenn tightened his grip on his wife's wrist, resulting in her snapping her head to face him instead. "It was a ricochet," he repeated, emphasising sharply on the last word. Glenn's body tremored, releasing his firm grip on her wrist.

She took a few steps back away from him as Isabelle returned with more medical supplies. She turned around, knowing full well that even if they had just spoken, Glenn still didn't want to talk to her. She had technically forced him to tell her, but that wasn't the kind of talk she was looking for. She wanted to have the daily small chats that sprouted smiled onto one another's face every day. Even after just twenty-four hours she hated not being able to smile with him.

"Holy shit."

Kloe peered over her shoulder, noticing Eugene stood at the door with a look of ease as he casted his eyes over a conscious Tara. He didn't hesitate to rush over to the side of her bed, standing on the very spot Kloe had gone on her knees. Tara looked up at him, sighing. "Thank God. Nothing happened to your hair." Eugene smiled widely, flashing his pearls as his eyes filled with happy tears. She chuckled. "Okay, Eugene's freaking me out. Somebody want to send Noah in here to protect me?"

Everyone dropped their eyes to the ground in unison, not speaking a single word. Kloe stared at Tara, a look of sadness in her eyes. Tara caught her gaze, a sheer look of confusion in them as to why everyone looked so sad.

They all stood still for a few seconds, only until Kloe felt that somewhat familiar feeling in her stomach she'd felt that morning. She took a few steps back, swallowing thickly. "I'll be one sec—" she didn't even get to finish her sentence before spinning on her heel, dashing for the door.

...

A single day had gone by. The community was silent. Everyone was silent. Kloe hadn't imagined it to be so quiet ever since she and the group first joined them. It was abnormal. How could a bright, happy, nothing could ever go wrong here community turn to a cold, empty, something is bound to go wrong here community?

"Hey," Kloe's head snapped up from where she was sitting behind one of Alexandria's houses, her eyes meeting Jayce's. "You alright?" Kloe nodded silently as Jayce approached her. He pushed his back against the wall and slowly slid down so he was beside her. "This is a quiet spot. I usually sit here."

"Oh, sorry," Kloe chuckled. "I just needed to get away from everyone for a while, and this was the furthest place away. I get why you come here." Jayce grinned, nodding as he reached down into his pocket, pulling out a cigarette. "At this point, I don't blame you for having them."

Now it was Jayce's time to chuckle. "Well, I'm currently having a stressful crisis. Not sure what to do. Having cigs puts my mind at ease and makes me think more clearer," he explained as he clicked open his lighter and flicked it until it successfully lit.

"That'll make the two of us. The stressful crisis, I mean," she commented as she watched the man bring the lit cigarette to his lips. "Hey, how about we be therapist buddies and tell each other what's going on?" she suggested, smiling as she patted her friend's shoulder.

Jayce chuckled as he puffed out the smoke from his lungs. "Sounds like a good idea, Miss," he agreed with her idea, nodding as he flicked the cigarette between his fingers. "You go first."

"Okay," she breathed, shifting on the spot. "Couples always have arguments, right?" Jayce nodded, his stomach twisting as he knew exactly what she was about to talk about. "Well, Glenn won't speak to me unless I force him too. He says I'm the reason he feels that anger he's been feeling. All I asked him was if he was okay, then he lashed out on me. And, if I'm being honest, I've been feeling so shit these last couple of days. I don't know what the hell is going on with me. Every morning, every night, continuously throwing up."

"Damn, hey, maybe you're pregnant," he joked, nudging her arm with his elbow.

She snorted. "Yeah, I don't think so."

Jayce had to hold back every urge not to tell Kloe the words Glenn told him the last night. He was a man of his word, and he didn't want to go behind his back. He promised Glenn not to say anything... and he wasn't going to. "I'm sure he'll come around," he said disingenuously.

"That's what Zayn said," she remarked, slumping her shoulders forward. "I'm sure he will, too. I hope he will. Anyway, what's your crisis, Bryant?" she rested her chin in her hand as she looked to the side to watch him.

Jayce felt that relieving feeling in his stomach after Kloe switched the subject, yet it was soon replaced as he began to think about the thing that had been plaguing his mind for weeks. He thought that maybe because they had been in Alexandria for ten days, that feeling of fear would've disappeared. But from all the things that had happened while they were there, nothing changed.

He brought the cigarette to his lips and sucked in a deep breath, exhaling slowly. "Last night, before I bumped into Glenn and Nicholas— and the walkers, I was searching for something. Something to give to Maggie," he specified, going in for another puff. "Cutting to the chase, I wanna marry her. I got a ring. I know a place. I have everything planned."

A smile etched on Kloe's face. "What's stopping you?"

"What if," he paused, staring off into the air and at the row of houses that were in the distance from where he and Kloe were sitting, "what if something happens to me after. It would crush her. I can't just make us be one then have her lose the other half of her because something happened to me."

The smile that was on her face had never fallen faster than it had. She looked down into her lap as she tried to process the words Jayce had just spoken. Her head shook side to side as she lifted her chin to face him. "No, nothing's gonna happen to you, Jay. You shouldn't think like that," she told him, setting her hand on his shoulder supportively. "She would want you to do this."

"I know," he informed, nodding. "Hell, I want to. But I'm thinking realistically. It's like someone's controlling all of our lives like a puppet on a string, casually picking us from a spinning wheel and killing us off. Something happens to us every month. That thing Beth had in the prison, so many days without an accident? She never passed thirty. It's written in the stars, Kloe. Something always goes wrong. And I'm not scared of dying. I'm scared of Maggie being hurt. I can't die because I know she cares about me so much that it would break her."

...

Three members of the Alexandrian community had returned to their home after being on a run for just over two weeks. Their names were Heath, Scott, and Annie. They had turned up while Eugene was walking past the gate. Heath had dark skin, his dreadlocks tied back into a ponytail. He was definitely in his early twenties. His long face was accustomed with a pair of glasses, and he always had a serious look on his face.

When Kloe first introduced herself to him, Kloe caught onto his cynical personality right off the bat. When she noticed the seriousness in his face, she knew immediately that he was a serious-minded guy who never had time to joke around.

Scott was around a decade older than Heath. He also had dark skin, his hair completely shaved off. He had a somewhat bushy beard around his calm face. When he introduced himself, the group knew instantly that he was a caring man, especially with the way he smiled at them. He was willing to do anything for the protection of his people, and they all stood by that.

Then there was Annie. She had fairly pale skin and was rather petite. Her long, dark brunette hair was tied into a side braid messily, the baby strands poking up after not being done for the couple of weeks she had been gone for.

She was kind and friendly to the Alexandrians, and she was happy to hear that they had let in more people. She had been shocked about the changes in the community, but after being told the circumstances alongside Heath and Scott by Rick, the three all obliged to the situation and had nothing bad against it.

Currently, everyone from Alexandria had been called to a meeting by Rick and his friend he had met from the moment he woke up in the apocalypse, Morgan. He was the man that had turned up the night before after Rick had shot Pete, and he seemed like a nice man.

The pair had been outside the walls earlier that morning to dispose of the body of Pete Anderson, being followed by the deceased man's eldest son, Ron, who had been one of the few friends Carl had made. While disposing of the body, they came across an extortionately large herd in an empty quarry.

Rick and Morgan explained the situation, and added on about how it had to be dealt with sooner rather than later. Kloe stood off to the side of the room beside Daryl, her back pressed against the wall with her hands folded across her chest. Glenn was on the opposite wall, and he didn't even cast a brief glance over to his wife.

Heath instinctively raised his hand to speak as if he was in a classroom, being allowed by Rick. "My team, we saw it early on," he started, resting his hand on the back of a couch that Jayce, Maggie, and Sasha were sitting on, "back when we were on one of those first scouts, finding out what was around here. There was a camp at the bottom. The people, they must have blocked the exits with one of those trucks back when everything started to go bad. They didn't make it. They were all roamers. Maybe a dozen of them."

"And no one's been back since?" Maggie questioned from the middle of the couch, her eyes trained on the man. Jayce was kneeling forward, his hands connected as he thought deeply about the situation.

Heath shook his head. "D.C.?" he suggested. "Every town worth scavenging are all in the other direction. And I never really felt like having a picnic next to the camp that ate itself."

"So all the while the walkers have been drawn by the sound, and they're making more sound and they're drawing more in," Michonne sighed, piecing one and one together with her arms across her chest.

Rick, who was in the center of the room since he was the one hosting the meeting, nodded at Michonne's comment. "And here we are. Now what I'm proposing, I know it sounds risky, but walkers are already slipping through the exits. One of the trucks keeping the walkers in could go off the edge any day now. Maybe after one more hard rain. That exit sends them east. All of them. Right at us." Everyone except Rick's group and the supply runners shifted in the room, panic coursing through their veins. "This isn't about if it gives, it's when. It's gonna happen. That's why we have to do this soon."

"This is, uh..." Carol began, acting as if she was completely speechless. "I don't even have another word for it. This is terrifying. All of it. But it doesn't sound like there's any other way."

A man that had been beside Carol slowly turned to face her after she stated her last sentence. His face lifted as an idea pinged into his mind. "Maybe there is," Carter indicated as he twisted his head to focus on Rick. "I mean, couldn't we just build up the weak spots? I— I could draw up plans, I worked on the wall with Reg. Construction crew. We can try and make it safe."

"Even if we could, the sound of those walkers is drawing more and more every day," Rick gestured with his hands, noticing Abraham moderately shaking his head up at him since he was also a part of the construction team. What Carter was suggesting wasn't going to work. "Building up the exits won't change that."

"We're gonna do what Rick says," the voice belonging to Deanna Monroe spoke up — she was beside Nicholas, who was next to Kloe — which she often noticed Glenn glance over and narrow his eyes at the man —, Deanna's back facing them all as she stared out the window with her eyes glossy and puffy for spending the entire night mourning her husband, "the plan he's laid out."

There was silence for a moment, everyone's eyes glued onto the back of her head. Rick slowly nodded, turning back to the others. "I told you all. We're gonna have Daryl leading them away," he pointed to the man on the other side of Kloe. The Dixon man nodded.

"Me, too," Sasha chimed in. "I'll take a car, ride next to him. Can't just be him. I'll keep 'em coming, Daryl keeps them from getting sloppy."

"I'll go with her," volunteered Abraham, the tip of his fingers stroking his goatee as he pondered. "It's a long way to white-knuckle it solo."

"Alright," Rick confirmed their side of the plan. "We'll have two teams. One on each side of the forest helping manage this thing. We're gonna have a few people on watch from now on. Rosita, Madolyn, Spencer, and Holly. So they're out." The O'Neill twins instinctively glanced across at each other as Madolyn's name was called out. "So who's in?"

Another moment of silence broke out, the air in the room was thick and was getting hot from the amount of people standing inside of it. Michonne pouted her lip and shrugged. "Me."

Kloe sighed quietly, briefly raising her hand in a motion that she was in. "Count me in," she said, earning a nod from Rick in return.

"I'm in," Glenn voiced afterward, resulting in Kloe looking over at him. He had already been looking at her, but the moment she returned with her eyes, he had never broken away his gaze faster than ever before.

"So am I," Reina spoke up. She may have been the caregiver of the community, but considering there was another, she was sure the elders wouldn't mind her being gone for however long it took to lead the walkers away.

"Won't catch me not being there," Jayce said after muttering a few things into Maggie's ear. He leaned back, sliding his fingers through his hair.

Father Gabriel relinquished his finger from his chin after thinking the entire time throughout the meeting and lifted it. "I'd like to help as well," he offered. Kloe couldn't hold back the glare she sent him. After Deanna had announced that he had gone to her and stated that her and the group were not to be trusted — after saving his ass —, she couldn't help but get mad at the fact.

"No," Rick instantaneously turned him down, still evidently ticked off from his actions too. "Who else?" Silence lapped through the room as Gabriel slowly dropped his finger. "We need more."

"There's gotta be another play," Carter suggested, wary of the plan that Rick was setting out for them all. In his eyes, it was a suicide mission. He casted a glance over everyone in the room. "We can't just control that many."

"I said it before," Rick sighed irritatedly, "walkers herd up. They'll follow a path if something's drawing them. That's how we can get them all at once."

"So, what?" he retorted, frowning deeply as he narrowed his eyes at the Grimes man. "We're supposed to just take your word for it?" Kloe bit down firmly onto her lips, preparing herself for what the man had to say next. "We're all supposed to just fall in line behind you after..."

Kloe felt her head tilt as she lifted her brows, knowing exactly what the man was leading to. Rick squinted his eyes intimidatingly. "After what?"

Carter felt like scoffing, and if looks could kill, Rick would be dead. He took one harsh step forward. "After you wave a gun around," he said slowly in a low tone, "screaming, pointing it at people. After you shoot a man in the face." The man then turned to Kloe, making her straighten her back as she watched him. "After throat slitter over here pushes a knife against a man's throat. How are you any better than Pete himself?"

Kloe's breath hitched in her throat, her head dropping to her chest immediately. "Hey," Zayn said rather loudly toward Carter, scowling, "speak to my sister like that again and I'll push a knife against your throat."

"Pendejo," Rosita murmured, discreetly glaring up at Carter as she defended her best friend.

"Enough!" Deanna yelled, spinning around and glaring across at Carter. Kloe felt the eyes burn into the top of her head as she faced the ground, not having the guts to look up and hold their eyes. She may not have just yet, although as every day went by, she gradually hated herself more and more for who she had become.

Correction, she hadn't hated herself for who she was, but the woman from the beginning of it all did.

There was a silence lapping between every individual in the room, yet Kloe couldn't hear the silence. The ringing... always ringing. She had to face the truth someday and accept herself... she had to accept herself.

Accept yourself.

Heath rubbed his hand down his face, the quietness growing too thick that it was difficult to breathe in. "I'll do it," he stated, stepping forward to let himself be known.

A woman beside Heath lifted her hand. "Me, too."

"Whatever you need," the man next to Rick himself said. Tobin scanned his eyes over everybody. "I'm in." Kloe knew one thing about Tobin, and that was that he was a kind, calm, and caring man. All he wanted was the safety of his people — Kloe stood by that.

"Now who else?" Deanna questioned as her eyes danced between the members of the community across the room.

Glenn subconsciously shifted his eyes over to Nicholas, who was clearly pondering about the entire situation and was debating if he should've volunteered. Nicholas' eyes moved continuously, only until they met Glenn's. His jaw clenched as he watched Nicholas absentmindedly share a look with Kloe, which made the Rhee man discreetly shake his head.

Kloe could almost feel the way Nicholas looked at her, resulting in her turning her head to the side. She frowned as she watched the side of his face, his eyes glued onto someone. Following his gaze, her eyes landed on none other than her husband. Furthermore, she was only confused more.

Nicholas unnoticeably scowled as Glenn's head movements came to an end the moment his wife looked over at him, and he stepped forward and lifted his hand. "I'll go," he stated. He was fed up with Glenn trying to control what he could and couldn't do.

The moment the words left his mouth, Kloe more or less rolled her eyes over to him. Glenn's back straightened and his insides fell almost to the very bottom of his body, gulping from his nerves. Not only was a man that only wanted to save himself gonna go, but his wife too...

He didn't like the combination.

"We have to do this," Nicholas said, his hand still raised in the air with his eyes glued on Glenn's. "I need to help. I know what I have to do."

No one would've guessed it, but the last sentence was directed to Glenn. Nicholas was referring to what Glenn had told him the night before moments before Jayce arrived. It was an order from the Rhee man, and with a gun pushed against his forehead, he only felt the need to oblige.

"You sure you can handle this?" Rick wondered, knowing full well what the man was capable of. After they had returned from the run without Aiden and Noah, when Glenn was sitting on the porch, telling him about the run and what Nicholas did. Rick was aware of it all.

Nicholas' hands slid into his pockets as he shrugged. "You need people," he countered. He couldn't help but lift his eyes up to Kloe beside him, to which she raised a brow and held his eyes. She had no idea how much he had to look up to her... after everything...

"We'll make this work," Rick reassured as he looked over everyone. "We'll keep this place safe. Keep our families safe. We will."

"The plan," Carter voiced once again as the attention fell on him, his eyes stuck on something small in his hands, "go through it again."

"Man, he just said it," Daryl eyed the man.

"Every part, again," Carter stated sharply, ignoring the Dixon man in the corner of the room. "The exact plan."

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words: 5197
29th october 2023
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I FEEL BAD FOR KLOE SO MUCH.