Author: TaniaMckenzie

Reviewer: __Carrots__

Chapters Reviewed: Twenty

________________________

o FIRST IMPRESSIONS:

Blurb wise:

I'll be really honest here, the blurb is not good at all.

Your blurb is just a compilation of a dialogue from the story and a couple of totally obscure narrations. Considering my opinion, I would not be driven to click on that read button through reading your blurb.

Your blurb simply doesn't tell us what the story is about.

"When it comes to finding a woman being attacked in the woods, Caspian is quick to come to her rescue. But when her problems follow her..

_______

"Tamar became one of our own people the moment she entered Rayndra, and she will be treated as such!" The King shot back, irritation entering his voice.

______

Old betrayals are brought back to life. Now, this woman could cost him everything. The old betrayals could destroy an entire Kingdom. "

_____

"Why? Why did I not start reading this book earlier?" ~Browniegirl258, Butterflyfrangipani, seniorita-_-

You can definitely work more on the blurb.

For instance, instead of ending the first statement with an ellipses, you could directly tell us what the problem was.

"When it comes to finding a woman in the woods, Caspian is quick to come to her rescue. But when her problems follow her and lead him to the edge of his kingdom, Caspian has to decide what is best for his people."

Of course, this is just an example :)

Also a blurb must always convey your book's atmosphere, the tone, the genre; your book The Fall Of Rayndra is a historical fiction, your blurb should have conveyed so, sadly it did not.

I would really like it if you could include Caspian being a ruler and a king in your blurb. That would honestly be a huge hooker. Because, you the know the way you described it, it looked like Caspian and the King were two different people. And perhaps add a few adjectives of King Caspian's charming benevolence?

Cover wise:

I do not feel much, when I see the cover.

I would have liked to say that this cover was an improvement from the previous cover, and how much I ever I want to say that, I cannot. I am sorry to disappoint you Tania, I really am, but the cover is just not doing enough of anything.

The font is not good, the colors could be more captivating, overall it is a very simplistic cover. And the right covers can do magic for increasing your book's reads. You should really work in this area.

I'd say the view that you have used for your cover is very accurate, it tells us what the book could be about. But as it is, it could do more than just tell us what type of book it represents. When you uses horses that have a rider mounted on them, it usually gives off a vibe of authority, just like that you could inculcate a lot more elements in your cover.

I recommend you the cover tutorials book by stylesoftimothe. Her book has really helpful tutorials and she almost always uses free resources. Give it a try!

Title wise:

Tania, there's a huge speed breaker coming up. Hold on!

The Fall Of Rayndra

When I first read the name, it immediately, on that very instant gave me a very despairing vibe. Personally, I would not read a book whose title focuses more on the doom of a particular concept (in this case the kingdom) rather than representing how they recovered from that doom.

Every body likes to read a book that gives off a positive vibe right?

Whereas the previous name Kingdom's Mercy was a title that better resonated with me.

Now what does a king represent? His kingdom. So when Caspian decided on helping Tamar and seeking revenge for her sake, it was ultimately a whole kingdom showing and helping Tamar with mercy.

Same goes with Herschel. If it hadn't been for the King, Jamaal and Isidro putting their trust on him, he would have ended up dying on the hands of The Bandits, or worse hiding from them all his life.

So the mercy of helping Tamar and accepting Herschel was what that eventually lead Caspian to war, to realize and to understand on a personal experience the horrors that resided just outside his place.

It was his mercy that made him the person (or will make him the person because I haven't read the whole book yet) at the end of your book.

From my perspective. Kingdom's Mercy wins over The Fall of Rayndra.

But considering you are not satisfied with the former title. . . Maybe you could think of and improvise and come up with a name that satisfies you as well as gives the book the title it deserves.

o Plot/ Storyline:

A very unique plot with equally unique conflicts and challenges. So yes this was an amazing idea. I really love the issues that you bring to light in your book. So yes, good job here.

A plot sets off the story with a head-start, and your plot is full circle and promising. From the first twenty chapters, I can state that the book is very well planned out and that there are going to be no significant plot holes.

I love how there is one central point of conflict and a secondary one too. While the king's people look for Caspian, there is another batch of powerful knights in the making. So while the readers might find Caspian's absence for so long, boring. The training knights will catch their attention.

o Character Development:

TaniaMckenzie you have done an amazing job with your characters. Each and every one of them has a different skill set and personality from the other and that's very professional.

All of your characters were somehow presented in such a way, that the minute I was introduced to them I had zero inkling of doubts of them being realistic. Not once did I read about your characters and thought how they were totally delusional and biased.

I personally love Caspian, he is so different than how kings are usually stereotyped. Same goes for Tamar. Even the subordinating characters such as Jamal and Isidro are really well portrayed. Usually it becomes really difficult to keep up with a book that has so many characters, this wasn't the case for The Fall Of Rayndra. Even when you had so many characters, you managed to give them all characteristics that would distinguish them from others.

I had no confusion in remembering who was who.

Keep it up. :)

o Grammatical Errors and Typos:

I could not find any major grammatical errors, your grammar is very good. As for typos, well they are inevitable.

I noticed a lot of typos in the first chapter itself, and honestly I was unimpressed, reading further the typos decreased to such an extent that they were unnoticeable. I have made a point to highlight all the mistakes that I found in the first twenty chapters, and hopefully by now you might have even corrected them.

As it is, your book looks in a good state but even so I would recommend a fresh editing session. Editing makes everything even better.

o Writing Style:

Every writer has a unique and customized writing style, I say this in all of my reviews because honestly I cannot express it enough. I find it really beautiful how different people come up with different styles of writing with just twenty six letters. That is totally magical isn't it? People create worlds with just varying combinations of twenty six letters.

When I read your first chapter, my overall impression was that you needed to make a lot of changes, the expressions, the tone, everything just seemed too dull. You started with a very eventful happening yet everything just seemed too slow and dull. The narration was the major problem.

Now when I read the second chapter the tone became clearer and the narration it self had turned into a more interesting one, so this was very strange. There was a major difference between the writing of the first and the second chapter, nevertheless from the second chapter onwards the narration was way better and I was hooked instantly.

The starting three chapters are very short and they all follow the same night throughout, so that is a huge drag. I'd suggest you turn those three chapters into one.

Now that we are done with those two issues, lets talk about how I really love your writing style.

TaniaMckenzie You have an amazing way of writing, nothing is fast paced neither slow paced and with your way of writing, everything just sits together perfectly. The tone of your writing gives off a historic vibe and it transports the readers right where it's happening, in Rayndra.

Clearly you have had a lot of experience in reading such books, that's exactly why you have manged to pull off the historic vibe.

You were exact and very accurate and describing the olden mechanical ways and how everything worked in the past, the medical treatments, the travelling, their living, house structures, people, society as a whole , you have pulled off a feat, and I congratulate you for that.

Honestly, keep going and I know you are going to receive the recognition you deserve. I see a very determinant writer in you. :)

▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

And here's your customized quote from the review! I hope you like it!

▬▬ι══════════════ι▬▬

Note: Please send your email-id to your reviewer to receive the direct and clear version of both the stickers within three days of the publication of the review.

___________________

I hope you take all my highlighted suggestions and typos and grammar corrections into consideration, because if you don't, well there won't be any point to all of this, would there?

If there are any further questions and suggestions please comment.

If you think that some parts of the review didn't stand up to your expectations, and also that you found it confusing, please let me know.

Zainab.

♡

P.S:

I understand that you might be very confused with your story name right now, so if ever you want to change the name, let me know and I'll make the necessary changes in the customized quote picture, and send you the new one.