Author: Queen_of_life_Heba

Reviewer: Apricity31

Chapters reviewed: 5

Cover:

Your cover links well with the blurb and title, I really like the use (or lack thereof) of colour as it gives your book a mysterious tone. The font used is also easy to read and suits your concept of supernatural and vampires. Only thing is you need the apostrophe in "Dracula's" so it's grammatically correct.

First Impressions:

Aside from a few grammatical errors, I was genuinely intrigued to see what potential your book could hold! In addition to the fact that I don't usually read books of this kind, I really wanted to see what was going to happen so that's good for reeling in readers!

Title:

Your title suits the concept of your story really well! I wouldn't change anything about it as it's not a mouthful and it's not irrelevant to your blurb and cover.

Blurb:

The first part of your blurb is good! Only there doesn't need to be a capital letter on 'Deny' since it's not a noun.

For the second paragraph, you need a few tweaks here and there! I think you're missing the word 'hunters' in your first sentence. This is what you've said:

'Raya is the youngest child and heir of the Van Helsings - a family of the famous vampire.'

This is probably just a typo mistake which is completely normal although you just need to clean that up since it may confuse readers when they read your blurb.

Since the Van Helsings are famous for hunting vampires, I suggest maybe changing the 'a' to a 'the' since they aren't just a regular family- does that make sense? They are the family of famous vampire hunters. So instead of:

'a family of the famous vampire hunters.'

You could try:

'the family of famous vampire hunters.'

Now for the next part of this second paragraph, you've listed the things Raya has been taught to be, although you could make this more dramatic by removing an 'and' so you're not dragging along if that makes sense.

So instead of:

'she is taught to be tough and strong and most importantly - hate vampires, the creatures of the night.'

You could remove the 'and' and switch the wording up a bit to add a little more tension to entice readers:

'she is taught to be tough, strong and, most importantly, to hate the creatures of the night: vampires. '

Now onto the third part of your blurb (sorry for the length of this, a long blurb should have a long review!), you could improve introducing the Count Dracula by saying:

'Vladimir Tepez- better known as Count Dracula- is the leader..'

Since Count Dracula is a more well-known name, you could add a sense of normality by saying his other less known name. So readers think 'oh look a regular interesting male role- wait no it's Count Dracula!' And I personally think this will invest the readers better into your story.

I don't think you really need the next sentence since you've already stated he is the leader of the most powerful vampire clans. Also, after using certain words twice your blurb may start to sound repetitive so here's what I propose: you merge the first, second and third sentence together so the blurb doesn't drag on and also so that you're not just listing all the things that most readers will already know about Count Dracula. (:

'Vladimir Tepez- better known as Count Dracula- is the leader of one of the most powerful vampire clans in the world, single-handedly managing his inferiors with an iron but just fist.'

See here that I've removed the words 'leader' and 'vampire' since they've been mentioned twice. This will make your blurb sound less boring and repetitive. Now I'm going to do this again with the word 'but'. You've used it twice and they are quite close together in the blurb.

'But deep within the hides an unbearable pain and a well of secrets'

I really like this part as it adds a sense of mystery and secrecy to your story which is awesome. However, you should just change the 'But' at the beginning of the sentence to something else. See how I just used 'however' instead of 'but' in that previous sentence? Instead of 'but' you can use other synonyms such as 'although', 'however', 'on the contrary'. A website I use all the time for more interesting words is thesaurus.com, it's really helped improve my vocabulary and makes my writing sound more sophisticated when I've got simple and ordinary words.

Also just one more spelling check on that statement, I think you meant 'but deep within HE hides' not 'but deep with THE hides'.

Moving on!

I really enjoyed this part of the blurb but there still needs to be a few tweaks. Back to the repetition of words, sometimes they can be used too much and make your blurb sound long and boring however you've used it well in this next part since repetition can also be used to create suspense and drama- which is exactly what you've done here!

Although you've used the repetition well with the word 'war', you've also made the same mistake of using the same word too much. It's an easy mistake to make and can easily be fixed so don't worry. (:

You don't need to use the word 'clans' twice, you can just say 'A war between the vampire and hunter clans' which is easier to read.

There's a small typo here:
'Can this two star crossed lovers stop'

And it should be:

'Can these two star-crossed lovers stop'

And, although you've used the word 'war' well in the previous part, I think you should change it up a bit here. Maybe 'this impeding battle' or 'this impeding conflict'?

I think you should take out the next bit 'hop inside..' because it's very cliché and kind of washes away the sense of mystery and romance you've created. It'd be best to end your blurb on that one question since it leaves the readers unsatisfied and makes them what to know what happens between Raya and Vladimir which will lead them to become invested in your book!

I also really like how you've added stars to divide your paragraphs up, they make your blurb so much easier to read and looks much more sophisticated and organised than one massive paragraph of writing- that puts me off quite often.... So great job here!

Grammatical Errors:

Many of your mistakes are in your use of verbs. You've chosen to write in the past tense and therefore all your verbs must be in the past tense. Often, you've used 'are' instead of 'were' and 'is' instead of 'was'. The only way you can correct this is by proofreading! It may sound boring and useless but proofreading can actually help so much; after writing just take a moment to sit back and reread what you've written to make sure it flows and makes sense.

This next mistake I also made until my lovely friend pointed it out to me in my own review on this book lol. You need to capitalize 'Mother' and 'Father' if you are using it as their names. If you are saying 'my mother' then you don't need a capital' since you are not referring to her as 'Mother' but more like describing her.

A better explanation can be found in the review made by Carrots for the book 'Behind Bright Eyes'.

Also, you've used semi-colons incorrectly. Semi-colons are used to join two main clauses together. So two sentences that make sense on their own, but the two sentences must also link. For example:

'She was very fast at running; I don't like spicy food' wouldn't make sense. However: 'There're many different types of food; I don't like spicy food' does make sense.

You probably already know this but I hope this helps😊

Plot:

Your plot is very interesting! I love the interaction between characters and you've strayed from the typical Dracula love stories which are really good. The pace of your story makes sense and I don't see you going off-topic anywhere. I don't find myself rushing to keep up with your plot or rereading areas because they don't make sense. I look for this when reading a book since I read for fun, I don't want to work for the book to make sense, I don't want to have to put the effort into reading otherwise it just feels like a chore. I like your book because I don't have to do any of these things, I can just read without questioning who this person is or where the scene is taking place.

Character Development:

I haven't read your entire book but from what I've read I love all your characters! They all hold their own individual personalities and flaws that make them human (or vampire, in this case). Because of this your books is more realistic and readers won't find themselves thinking 'why doesn't she feel like this?' or 'how can they react like that?'

You've made Raya a likeable character and because of this readers will be rooting for her in your book which both entices them into your story and allows them to connect with your writing.

Final Words:

To conclude, I really like where your book is going and hope it gets more recognition. All your characters (from what I've read) are unique and the plot itself is fascinating. The only thing I would question is the structure of your chapters. I know Wattpad has been glitching and that's probably why some sentences have been cut off midway onto a new line. Although I think you should divide your paragraphs more clearly, everything right now is a bit of a large block of writing aside from some odd cut-offs (courtesy of Wattpad). It'll be much easier to read if you make a clear space between paragraphs.

Try not to list too many things also, stories can get boring if you just list what's going on. 'She did this and then this happened then she did this' is very bland so maybe spice things up a bit, show more and tell less.

Just keep proofreading! Check your tenses, your verbs and capital letters. Check that your sentences make sense and read them and write them over until they do. Check everything again to make sure your books are at its best.

Other than that and all the other things I've pointed out, I can see your book going far in the supernatural genre. I really do hope that this review is up to your standards and that it's helped you as a writer.

If you have any questions feel free to pm me and I'll try my best to respond in a way that you find helpful. Your book was a pleasure to read and I'll probably find myself reading it for fun later on (rather than simply for a review).

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Apri <3
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A huge thank you to (Apricity31) for lending us a hand and giving us this complimentary review!
You are awesome! Go check her lovely account Readers!❤

Hope you liked the review!

Good day 😁!