Ok, so this rant is actually a bit personal and I wrote it when I felt like shit. It's full of raw emotion so please don't say anything if you have nothing nice to say because this is so close to my heart and so real for me that it might actually hurt me.
Please keep the negative comments to a minimum. I understand if you don't agree with my opinions but please don't invalidate them just because they don't match yours.

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I wanna grow up but I don't wanna grow older. 17 is just a shit place to be

Being 17 sucks
It hurts like shit.
Like you are always old enough but never old enough.
Old enough to make independent decisions but your decisions are still questioned by your parents. Like if you're going to question me and tell me that I'm wrong then why do you want me to tell you how I feel in the first place, just so you can prove that you're right?

Having insomnia but being told to sleep at 11 fucking PM because it is not healthy for your body. I stare at the walls and the ceilings having nothing else but my own mind to occupy me. Sometimes your own mind is the worst place to be, so dark and deep. They say an empty mind houses sinister thoughts, a mind without direction is steered by the devil. Maybe that is why it feels like hell when I sit there wide awake living and dying in my mind. When I can't sleep for shit I resolve to other methods like tiring myself by crying myself to sleep. Then I think to myself, why do I cry myself to sleep? It's when you voice those emotions that you actually understand where the tears come from and I just want to cry and cry and cry till no ounce of moisture is left in my body, till my skin shrivels up, till my lips become chapped, till my face loses colour.

But you can't do that. You know why? Because others have it worse. That's what you're told and you teach to yourself that you need to be strong because others have it worse.
Others having problems shouldn't make your problems invalid. Just because a person is in coma doesn't mean that your bleeding leg is a minor problem. Just because someone else is hurting doesn't mean your wounds don't count. They do. Every fucking problem does. I just want to stop. I just want the pain to stop. I just... I just...

No, I'm not depressed. I won't say I'm depressed because being sick off life and being depressed are two different things. I may not want to live but I don't want to die. I'm to scared to die. It's easy to say that being dead is so much easier but would you really pick up a blade and kill yourself? Would you really suffocate yourself with a rope? Answer that before you go around saying you're depressed. Being depressed is the worst but that doesn't mean that being sick of living is not an issue. I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I just want a fucking break to heal. To heal myself. Maybe what you are doing is making me physically healthy, but what good is a physically fit body with a dungeon for a mind? The answer is no good. It's just how you become an efficient serial killer.

I'm not broken but I feel like I have been thrown out into the street and run over by a car.
No, I'm not shattered, but I can feel the cracks on my surface.
No, I'm not drowning, but these high velocity, heavy droplets of rain hurt.
No, I'm not in a bed of thorns, but I felt the prick of the needle in the most sensitive part.

I walk around with a smile on my face, hearing the words "oh you're so funny", when I crack jokes. Did you ever stop to think that maybe I'm smiling because I don't want to face the harsh reality of myself or I will be torn apart or that I don't want you to know that I am actually hurting. Maybe I'm funny because I wanna cover up my emotions or maybe I'm cracking these jokes to see you genuinely laugh because I can't and I want to see that feeling with my own eyes and savour it. Maybe I want to make you laugh because I don't want you to feel the way I felt, because I don't want you to go to the dark places where I have been, because I don't want there to be another monster like me in this world.

I don't want to pretend I'm fine, but I have to because others have it worse. I sit there in the night, unable to sleep, holding back my tears because I need to be strong even though I feel weak.
Maybe I'm not weak, just a bit too strong because I have held on to this for so long without cracking.

I just want a fucking break. I want a break from the pain to heal myself emotionally. To not fake a smile and to have an actual smile. I keep wanting to stop but I can't because I'm not alone on the gerbil wheel. The others are still running on it and I can't stop without hurting myself, even if I know that is not how I will reach the prize, that I need to get out of the delusion that I will get what I want if I keep running. I just...

I'm sorry for screaming. I'm sorry for ranting. I'm sorry for having you to read through this whole thing to just burden you with my pain. Ignore it. Act like you never read this. I just wanted this to be out there and it is. I didn't want to keep this in my dark mind too. I never new that there was a darker shade than pitch black.

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