This one is raw. Really really raw. It's pure emotion and state of being and I'm still scared to put this out there, but I feel like I need to do it to be able to overcome it.
So here goes nothing.

~•~

Have you heard sleeping beauty's story? You probably have. You remember how she was put to a timeless sleep? With a prick of a needle right? A prick so small that she didn't feel it but it almost cost her, her whole life.

Imagine this. An empty space, blank, whitewashed. Now imagine yourself sitting there, completely bare, not a single piece of clothing, just huddled in the centre of the space. Do you see this? Great.

Now imagine your skin being pricked by a needle just enough so that you don't feel it. Think about the fact that if you are continuously pricked like this over time, you won't feel a thing, but you will yourself getting weak by the second. Pricks filling your entire skin, your vision blurry, your body weak. So tired, you feel like you will fall into an endless sleep any moment but the fear of never waking up keeps you awake.

You don't feel anything physically and you can't place your instability mentally. So you resign to the fact that you are naturally weak. You detoriate until someone forcefully opens your eyes and makes you realise that you aren't in the same empty room now. You're in the same room but isn't empty, you're sitting in a pool of your own blood that drips from your skin, slowly but certainly. That is the kind of trauma that I'm talking about.

All this time I lived life calling myself pathetic and weak. Even as I smiled, I felt the mental weight pulling me down. Constantly being told that I was useless, that I couldn't do anything right, that I wouldn't be able to live upto expectations. I accepted it, maybe I was weak, I was useless, I was irrelevant.

Today my dad made me realise that I was a victim of a traumatic childhood without realising it. I was always ever so subtly reminded of my faults that I thought that there was a flaw in my design, that I wasn't made for this world. Today when my dad said, "you hurt when they call you useless, when they tell you that you are a good for nothing waste of space and oxygen." I was sitting silently while my dad was talking but as soon as he said that I burst into tears because I didn't realise that it hit so close to home.

That was when I realised 3 fundamental truths about myself:

1) if you know me then I am what you would call a cry baby, sensitive. I cry easily and all the time, but today I realised that I have never really cried with raw emotion. Every other time that I have cried in my life, it was mostly superficial. I felt bad and I cried. Today however I cried from the heart. For the first time in my life, I properly cried till I couldn't, till no tears came out.

2) this might be contradictory but I would be considered a happy person by the people around me. A bubbly personality. Today I realised that all my life I have always laughed and smiled, but I have never truly been happy.

3) I always thought I was toxic to those around me. I thought that I was a disappointment because I let everyone down. Today I realised that I was slowly and subtly, mentally tortured as a child by my mother, grandmother and other relatives, through comparison with other friends and siblings over time. Today I realised that I had gone through mental trauma that gave rise to my anxiety and inferiority complex. I used to think that anxiety is a health condition and I have no right to say I have anxiety because it isn't fair to those who are medically diagnosed with anxiety. I thought that I have had a happy life so it's just how I am, I'm not a victim of anxiety, but now I think otherwise.

You see, it was a brilliant plan. Intentional or unintentional, it was very well executed. I was bruised mentally but I never even knew why I hurt. I didn't know until I was shown the reality about myself. Why I felt so broken.

I learned something you know. I learned that there are three types of people in the world based on their reaction to the statement "you are a failure"
1. How dare you call me a failure
2. Maybe I am, what is it to you
3. That doesn't say anything about me

The first kind is the category where 95% of the world fits in. It is the default. It is what is expected of every person. If these people are rebuked they take it up as a challenge but the essence of it is to prove the others wrong.

The second kind just let the people tell them that. They accept that they are a failure and continue. Their essence is to prove the others right.

The third aren't swayed by this. They dictate their life and their essence is to prove nothing to no one.

I belonged to the second kind but in a toxic manner. You see, if I get rebuke I accept it as a part of myself but the problem comes where the positive reinforcement comes in.

When I am frowned upon I feel like shit. When someone gives me a positive feedback I don't take it out of fear of letting that person down as well, so it becomes an endless cycle of falling and never getting up.

Why do I get this rebuke you ask? The first type. Everyone in my family and all the people around me belong to type 1. Since rebuke works for them and the others around them, they consider it a default. They treat me how they treat themselves, they don't consider the fact that maybe I am different. This is why I don't talk to my family, because I don't fit in, I'm not like them. Their way of 'motivating' me just hurts me. It keeps killing me softly.

My dad however, he belongs to the third category. He too is like an outcast to the family but the thing is, it doesn't affect him. He was the one to make me realise that I have been in pain. He made me realise that I wasn't naturally weak. I just let myself believe it, ignoring everything flung at me. I didn't even realise I was hurting.

I felt like shit but now I'm trying to change. I'm trying to change my pattern from type 2 to type 3. It is alot of work but I'm trying to follow a four step method.
1. Acknowledge the issue or problem occurred because of you.
2. Don't beat yourself up for it. One problem doesn't make you a failure. It's like failing a mission, it doesn't mean you are a failure.
3. Weigh if the issue is to be rectified
4. Act accordingly.

I am supposed to write all these steps down for every time I mess up and am looked down upon for something. Let me let you in on something. Writing down the second step "this doesn't make me a failure", it makes me cry every time. It's hard to believe after all these years of beating myself up but I'm trying. I'm trying really hard. It hurts so much. I still get the harsh treatment, I am still trying to fight. I want to win this fight.

Now that I think about it. My fear of needles and syringes is the physical representation of my mental state. I am scared that I won't know how much blood is drawn or what is added to my system because I don't feel it. It's the fear of the unexpected.

I just want to overcome this whole thing and live according to myself. I want to learn how to heal myself from these pricks instead of suffering from the pain. I don't want to be the Aurora anymore. I want to be happy. For real this time.

~•~
It sucks to go through depression, but it sucks even more to go through it for two years without realising it.
If just trying to fight it.
It hurts but I'll try.