s1e3 doubled pawns
part four :

old habits die hard

as the end of the week came around, it looked like my wishes of playing benny in front of that special lit up board was going to happen. we had been the top two of the week, neither losing once. and, the day before the big championship, i had found myself sitting right next to him. he had been talking to another gentlemen about the advantages and disadvantages on playing the queens gambit, and the man had just walked away when i saw his head turn towards me.

"youre beth harmon," he pointed at me, putting his beer down.

"yes." i said from my bar seat a few feet away from him.

he wore the same black leather cape i saw him in two years ago, and the same cowboy hat casted shadows on his face as he nodded, "i saw the piece in life, the game they printed... that was a pretty one, with you and beltik" he had brought up the same topic back in cincinnati, but he had asked my name as a question then, now it was a statement. he mustve been keeping an eye on me, figuring that i played him in the final match tomorrow, i wasnt surprised.
but had he not remembered talking about this then? as i thought about that conversation, though, i also remembered ignoring the comment.

"thank you." i appreciated it this time.

"im, uh, benny watts." he left his drink on the bar counter he had been leaning on and started making his way over to me. was he seriously introducing himself to me, the US Champion? the guy every chess lover knew of? and one i had already met, by the way...

maybe he didnt even remember that, "i know. we met a couple years ago in cincinnatti..." i hesitated "didnt meet, but we spoke," he gave me an odd look, "you didnt play that year." i confirmed for him, and he nodded again.

"okay, i'll take your word for it." nope, didnt remember.

"guess i'll see you tomorrow then." i had forgotten how arrogant he was, and began to walk away. talking with your opponents the day before a match was never a good idea anyway. i needed to get back and study, focus on this game tomorrow.

"you shouldnt have castled." his voice made me stop walking, and i spun on my heels, "in your game with beltik."

i remembered that match extremely well, probably only for the fact that my heart had been racing so fast and my brain was flooded with adrenaline. but also, that was the game that truly started everything for me. i looked at him for a moment, reminiscing what my objective had been at that moment, "i needed to get the rook out."

"well, you could have lost your advantage." he turned to face me.

"i dont think so." i tried to stay calm, but i hated when people told me what i should've done when it ended up being fine. i earned my title that day fair and square.

"he played pawn-takes-pawn. you cant take back." he let his hands move with his words, and it was his turn to walk away from me. but i didnt let him.

"wait a minute." i said, walking after him.

"i cant, i got an adjournment i gotta go play." he said over his shoulder, "but set it up, think it out." he spun around as he walked, pushing his finger into his temple.

"i dont want to set it up and think it out." i said it harsh enough to make him stop walking.

"youre problem is youre queen knight." he said with a sly smile, turning around and leaving me standing there. after watching him walk away, fury filling my mind, i rushed over to a vacant board, setting up the match at that particular moment. queen knight.

"beltik could have beaten me." an hour later i stood watching mother get ready for bed, holding my head in my hands. i had figured out what benny was saying, my fault in that game. in my move. it needed to be a pawn to bishop four... but i had taken an extremely different and dangerous route. stupid.

"but he didnt." my mother said, earning a sigh.

"yes, but he could have." i paced across the floor, next to the window that showed a full moon above but still a busy street below, "what's worse is i didnt even see it. benny watts just by reading about a player he knows nothing about, he picks it out." i stopped pacing, turning to face mother, "i was so proud of myself when i found out an error in a Morphy game, and now someone has done it to me." my fury was now boiling over, my cheeks were hot and i felt like screaming. i knew benny had done this, too. if i had just walked away, with the goal of focusing on tomorrow's game all night long, i wouldn't be in this scenario right now. but he just had to get in my head, make me doubt myself. but it was impossible to focus on anything else right now.

my mother sat down on her bed, finished rubbing her lotion on her face, "stop thinking about what might have happened in the past, and get some sleep." she spoke harshly, but her eyes showed sincerity.

i just felt stupid, so so stupid. like everything i had gone through to get here could've not even happened if beltik had gotten there earlier that day, or had a chance to get another extra cup of coffee. there was too much at risk, and i only feared it would happen again. i had to be smarter, i had to be better at finding mistakes in other games so i could pick them out in my own plays. this could not happen again.

i pulled out a pill from my toothbrush cup. old habits die hard. the memories of hiding methuan's pills in my toothbrush cup, just like jolene had done, made my heart ache. i shook my head to relieve the memory. i had much bigger problems right now then my guilt.

i set the cup back on the counter, swallowing the pill and looking at myself in the mirror. i would be better, i had too. i couldn't fall into old habits. i was playing benny watts tomorrow in the finale, and he wouldn't miss a mistake of mine no matter how small it was.

so i couldn't make any.

♖ ♞ ♖ ♞ ♖ ♞

the next day i showed up to the arena with a crowd already formed around the table. the electronic board and all its lights were already lit up, and i tried not to let my steps falter. i was going to this game with a perfect score, a draw today would give me the title since benny had already gotten two throughout the week. but i knew i needed to win.

truth be told, my heart felt like it was on fire. i was las vegas co-champion right now, and so was benny. it was the final match, the one that decided everything. i had gotten over my mistake back in the lexington-beltik match, i forced myself because i knew i needed to. mother was right, worrying about the past was doing nothing good for me. but my new look on my mistake didnt stop my nerves from making my vision blurry and my knees want to buckle as i walked up to my chair, just as benny arrived there as well. i didnt even want to look at him, scared id lose the focus i had managed to build up in my mind and that just his stupid cowboy hat could break the wall down.

"pawn to bishop four, right?" he muttered as i held out my hand for him to shake. was he serious? is he seriously still trying to get in my head? make me doubt myself even more than i already was? even if he did have the intention of making me a better player, which i strongly doubt, he had extremely sucky timing.

i didnt let his hand even touch mine and sat down on my chair, "yes." a camera flashed behind me, and benny smiled and sat down as well.

dont think about him, or lexington, or beltik, or townes-

i stopped making a list in my head of things not to think about because i feared it would never end. instead, i thought of one thing to think about.

winning this game. this was it, all or nothing.

benny coughed, taking his time making sure all his pieces were evenly placed apart, and took a deep breath. his eyes rose my meet mine, and i could almost hear the taunting coming from them.

he hit the button to start my clock.

now, i had to think. harder than i ever had to before. i had to think ten moves ahead when usually i did five. this was benny watts, and it would not be easy. before i even did my first move, i imagined each scenario and where it may lead. i had become very familiar with benny's playing style, and felt confident i knew it well enough to beat it out. i just had to think.

we started at a fast pace, each taking our turns and writing our moves and hitting the other's button down. i dont think i took a full breath for the first ten minutes. and, somehow, i knew he hadnt either. we were both the best of the best, and the only ones left in the ring.

i thought he could see what i was planning.
i thought he could hear my heart beating and know how panicked i was.
i had a plan, and for a moment, he had fallen right into it. i could see the victory, hear the clapping, feel the pure joy of taking his title.
but, he captured my center pawn. my protected pawn.
he forced an exchange of queens, and my game was over. just like that. with that pawn gone, i was open to a rook-bishop mate. game over.

the more i looked, the more i felt the loss. a half hour of staring at the board, looking for an escape, all leading to nothing. there were none, he had caught me completely off guard. i don't think i felt my heart beat once for the rest of the game, it was almost like i had died. i knew my chances had.

"it was the kind of things i did to other people," i told mother everything later that night, "and i had missed it. i was too busy thinking about doubled pawns." i scoffed.

"you were thinking about winning." mother said, her eyes and voice matching in sincerity. i met her gaze, one that told her that obviously didnt happen. she hadnt even said anything throughout dinner yet, i had been talking for almost an hour now.

"what did you do?" he leaned back in her chair, giving into my aggression.

"i needed a counter threat, one that would stop him in his tracks, but there were none. the more i studied the board the more i realized just how sound benny's move really was. it was brutal." i remembered looking up at benny, feeling the loss like a weight on my chest, the same one that had left when i beat beltik. it was here to haunt me.

but when i met his eyes, they werent his. they were shaibels. he held my small hand, whispering those same words that haunted my dreams.

you resign now.

i knew what i needed to do. shaibel was right.

as benny took my hand in his and shook it, he muttered "tough game."

but really, that only made me feel weaker.

the camera's around us flashed, most people clapped, and he was gone.

"i made some inquiries," mother tried to comfort me, "the open championship is often shared-"

"i didnt see what he was doing." i interrupted her, my voice overflowing with rage. i leaned forward to rest my elbows on the table and my head in my hands.

"you cant finesse everything all the time, nobody can."

"you dont know anything about chess."

"no... but i know how it feels to lose."

i would regret what i said next, "yeah, i bet you do."

her face hardened, her eyes seemed to light with fire,

"and now you do too."

♖ ♖