S P E N C E R

"Spence!"

Dad waves out from across the airport lounge. Lydia is beside him with an overall dress on and a short sleeved blue top underneath it. I've missed her so much. I hadn't realised how hard it would be to spend two weeks apart. At the time, I'd figured it'd be good to have a break. But now. . . I'm not sure that I'd be able to do it again. Not for an entire two weeks anyway.

It's good to be home.

The heat is in full force today, I'd felt it crossing the tarmac but I was offered a break thanks to the airport central cooling. Still, there's a sheen on my forehead and I wipe it off as I approach Dad and Lydia, preparing for cuddles that I so desperately need.

"Mommy!" Lydia launches herself into my widespread arms and I let her cling to me like a little koala bear.

While I soak in the unwavering hold of my daughter, Dad leans down and picks up the luggage that I'd been dragging behind me before he gives me a kiss on the head.

"Welcome home, Spencer." His smile is affectionate as he regards Lydia, still with her limbs wrapped around my frame. She hasn't said a word or moved or shown any signs of freeing her hold so far. "Lydia missed you a lot. Didn't you honey?"

She nods her head but keeps her face buried in the crook of my neck. I live for these hugs. They're powerful. They make my heart swell and threaten to induce tears.

"I missed you too, Lyds." My hand smooths her lush ringlets, which fall to the middle of her back. "Shall I carry you to the car then princess?"

Upon feeling her small nod, I laugh and the three of us start towards the exit. "I missed you too, Dad."

He responds with a light laugh, giving my shoulder a caress. "How was Los Angeles? Are Dallas and Drayton well?"

"Yeah they are doing so well," I respond as we approach the machine to pay for parking. Dad slides the ticket in and retrieves a few coins from his back pocket while I attempt to keep my arms from falling asleep at the growing weight of my girl. "Drayton left for Texas earlier this week. Dallas is already working on her next project and yeah. . . They are doing well for themselves."

"And how did Dallas seem to take the news of you moving in with Nathan?" Dad swipes the parking ticket out of the machine and we continue on our way. "You were worried about telling her."

"Oh she was fine with it actually—" my words hutch as I bounce Lydia in my arms to redistribute some of her weight— "she thought it was a good idea actually. Lyds, Mom needs to put you down now so that I can put you in the car."

She unwinds her small arms from around my neck and let's me settle her on her feet while Dad unlocks the car. Her little hands keep a tight grip on mine though and I can't help but laugh a little as I buckle up her car seat once she's settled. It's an amazing feeling to know that you're someone's entire world. Sometimes it feels like a lot of pressure. It'd be so easy to screw it all up, to fail her and make miserable work of her upbringing. But I'll do whatever I can to ensure that she's happy.

"So," dad smiles from the driver's seat once we're moving through the parking lot, "when does the move happen? You know you don't have to leave home, right?"

Dad's sideway glance does tug at the heartstrings a little. I'll miss living with him and mom, but I also know that I need some sort of independence while I'm raising Lydia. She needs to see her momma taking care of her without the constant in-house support of her grandparents.

"Um, well I told Nathan that I'd move in once I came home, so I suppose I'll give him a call," I ignore his statement about leaving, settling further into the seat with a yawn. I'm tired. "I know that he's been getting the room sorted out for me."

"Yes I bumped into him when your mother and I were out for dinner earlier this week. I took her to that new bistro that's opened up," he explains with a grin and I admire how fondly he speaks of her. "Nathan mentioned he was getting things organised."

"Oh, was he, like on a date or something?" My curiosity earns a curt glance from Dad and it mirrors the thoughts I'm having myself. I'm not sure what possessed me to ask such a question.

"No, he was celebrating a friends thirtieth." He puts emphasis on the word thirtieth and an awkward air settles in the front half of the car.

I've been talking to Nathan on the phone almost every other day for the last two weeks. I hadn't been entirely honest about how often we spoke to Dallas, because it felt. . . strange. There's no denying that I enjoy his conversation and I've always considered him a friend of sorts, but the smallest little corner of my mind felt a sort of — jealousy, at the thought of him on a date and that is startling as hell.

"Oh damn," I laugh. It's a nervous laugh, but I attempt to sound as carefree as possible. "He's been single for so long. I'm hoping that he'll settle down soon."

"Mhmm," Dad murmurs, his eyes on the road as he pulls into our street. "I'm sure he'll meet the right woman eventually."

"Mommy, who's Nathan?" Lydia asks from the back seat.

I twist to look at her big brown curious eyes and realise that I still need to explain our relocation to her as soon as possible. I'm sure that she's going to object to moving out. She'd rather stay with mom and dad. I can hear the tantrum already.

"You know Nathan, honey. Aunt Dallas' big brother."

"Oh. Mhmm." She grins and redirects her attention to the window decal that has her favourite Disney princesses on it.

It's not the sort of conversation that I want to have from the front seat of the car, but I am going to have to tell her sooner rather than later.

The next morning, after I'm showered and dressed, I get Lydia sorted, packing her overnight bag for Grayson's place while she gets her hair braided by Mom. It sucks that I've only just arrived home and I have to send her off for the weekend. But that's the agreement. Fridays are the beginning of her weekend with her father.

I'd spoken to Nathan last night and he said that I should pop over today to have a look around and make sure that I'm happy with the house before we move in. I'm sure that it'll be perfect but I appeased him and said we'd be over at eleven.

Today's outfit is almost complete, I assess it in the full-length mirror on my wall as I pull on a black tank top. It works well with the distressed mom jeans and flip flops.

"Mommy, nanna gave me hair like Elsa!" She runs into our bedroom and spins around, letting me see her cute little French braid. Mom is so much better at braiding our hair than I am. I suppose she has been doing it for a long time. Lydia has chosen her own outfit for the day and I have to say, I'm impressed with her fashion sense. She's wearing a cute little floor-length sundress and brown sand leather.

"That looks beautiful baby." I sit on the bed and situate her between my legs, giving her a quick peck on the cheek which is lifted with a proud smile. "Mommy wants to talk to you about something okay?"

She sighs with exasperation and shrugs. "What is it, momma?"

Sometimes she talks like a full-on grown-up and it terrifies me.

"You and I are going to be moving out of Nanna and Grandpa's very soon." Her brows knit with confusion, her bottom lip juts. "We're going to be living with Nathan. We're going to visit him today."

"No!" she shouts, folding her arms across her chest. "I wanna stay here!"

The fact that she could react this way hadn't evaded me. But it still causes me to sigh as I run a hand across my face, wondering what the best approach to this scenario should be.

"Lyds, don't yell at Mommy." Grasping her wee hands and unfolding that surly stance, I tug her resistant frame a little closer. "How about we go and have a look at the house today. You might like it? Then afterwards we can get an ice-cream before I take you to Dad's?"

"I don't think I will like it." She pouts but she doesn't shout, much to my relief. I'd rather not commit to a four-minute time out when I want to leave as soon as possible. "But we can look. And um— I want chocolate ice-cream."

The fact that I won her over in just a few short sentences, rather than a full-blown debate, must be because it's early enough that she hasn't burned out her energy and become tired and volatile. Her attitude is a little more testing once it hits two in the afternoon. Ice-cream helps as well, I suppose.

"Mommy, have I been here before?"

The car's idle humming comes to a stop as I pull the key out of the ignition and turn around to see Lydia staring out of her window.

"A few times. When Aunt Dallas came to visit."

My explanation is a little mumbled and distracted as I push open the car door and head around to Lydia's side of the Jeep. For some reason, unknown to me, I feel nervous and jittery. Which isn't me at all. But when I fumble with the buckle on Lydia's car seat and see the shake in my hands I give myself a quick pep talk to snap out of the stupor.

This is just Nathan.

My mind and my feet are having a contradicting battle as we head up the front footpath and onto the small set of steps at the front door. It's absurd that I should have damp palms and a thick throat, but I do. And it's frustrating. I wish it would quit.

Get a grip.

Lydia pulls her hand out of mine and rushes forward to knock on the door. The soft patter of her fist is so light that it's almost inaudible, but I have to love her enthusiasm. She's always keen to do the jobs that she watches adults carry out every day with very little thought. Unlocking the front door, making the bed, swiping the debit card through the machine at the store. They're all menial tasks that become so robotic to us but seem to excite her and it's fun to pretend for a moment that knocking on a door is an enthralling task.

"Little bit louder," I encourage her, nodding. She thumps on the wood again, a little louder and we wait for a few moments until the door is swung open.

"Hey!" Nathan answers with a little bit of a breathless pant. His forehead glistens with sweat beads and he's dressed in gym shorts and a fitted grey tank. "Is it eleven? Shit."

He arches backward, presumably looking at the clock on the living room wall as he lifts the bottom of his tank top. He hunches over and wipes the material across his forehead, giving me a decent look at his rock hard torso. He looks even better than he used to.

"Sorry, I was just doing a circuit. Lost track of time." He straightens his clothes again and steps backward with a sweet smile. "Come on in."

"I have Elsa hair," Lydia states with a deadpan tone and her finger pointed at her head as we wander on in.

"I love it." Nathan grins and closes the door behind us. "Can you do my hair like that?"

"No," Lydia giggles and glances up at me with shy eyes. "His hair's too short Momma."

I'm about to play along and claim that his hair would look great with an Elsa braid when I spot an enormous dollhouse in the corner of the room where the love seat used to be. That's been moved over to the space where the carpet meets linoleum and it becomes the kitchen.

A small gasp escapes my lungs at the pink three-story dream house. It is incredible. The walls are spread out to reveal all of the furniture and the rooms and the barbies. The little couches, beds, drawers. Tiny cups and plates are spread out on the miniature dining table. There are so many tiny things in there that I can barely take it all in.

Lydia whips her head in the same direction and doesn't even pause for a second before she's strolling towards it, no doubt a look of awe on her sweet face. She kneels in front of it and lifts her hands but before she touches anything, she glances back with a look of question. Burning question. She's behaving herself for the sake of Nathan but I can tell that she's bursting to get her hands on it.

"Go ahead," Nathan tells her and she smiles, turning back to delve into the incredible dollhouse that's bigger than she is.

"Nathan." I shift my weight so that I'm a little more side on to face him. "Did you buy that for her?"

"What? No." He scoffs, pulling his wide smile away from her to glance at me. "I bought it for me. She can play with it if she's careful though."

The image of Nathan sitting down in front of the dollhouse, on his own, playing make-believe and dressing barbies, is so comical that I burst out laughing. A loud, side-splitting laugh. My hands fly over my face so that I can attempt to calm down before I start snorting.

"That laugh takes me back." His deep voice causes me to settle a little faster and when I uncover my face, I find him regarding me with an almost far off smile.

"What do you mean?"

"Oh." It's as if he was brought out of a day dream. He clears his throat and gazes at the carpeted floor. "You and Dallas. When you'd hang out here and laugh about. . . I dunno. Whatever. I just haven't heard that for a while. That's all. Was like a flashback."

He waves his hand flippantly and begins looking around the room as though he's searching for something. "So, should we go and look at the room? Yeah?"

"Uh yeah." I smile, letting go of the burning curiosity that's simmering over his comment.
I wonder if it's been lonely for him since Dallas left. We used to spend almost every weekend here and the three of us did hang out a lot. I'd never really thought about it until now. Perhaps that's why he'd been so keen to have Lydia and I move in.

I follow him down the short corridor, watching his back and shoulder muscles ripple with his movements. I need to stop checking out my best friend's brother, but I'm not blind. He looks incredible.

We pass Dallas' old bedroom and stop at the door frame of what used to be his room. He raises an arm as if to gesture me inside and smiles as I shimmy past, lightly brushing his chest with my shoulder.

"Oh wow." I marvel at how incredible the bedroom looks. On one side is a single bed with a pink mosquito net flowing from the ceiling and curtaining the head of the bed, which is under the edge of the window and against the right wall. There's an arrangement of wall decals above the bed. Tinker Bell and her friends, cute little mushrooms, some wide-eyed owls.

The bed has a purple throw across it and I'm floored at how perfect that corner of the room is. When I turn to the left, there's a double bed pressed up against the same wall that the door is on, leaving space under the window and against the left wall for drawers and whatnot. The double bed has a simple white comforter and some throw pillows on it. This is far more than I could have hoped for.

"Whatdya think?" Nathan's deep drawl almost startles me. I'd been so lost in admiring the space that I forgot I wasn't alone. I turn around and spot him leaning against the door frame with folded arms and a curious expression.

"You've done too much." I walk towards him with a bewildered smile, turning to admire the room once more when I've reached his side. "This is perfect, Nathan. But seriously, you didn't have to do all of this. I mean, the stickers and stuff. Such small details that make so much difference."

"Spence, I don't know what you think of me." He grins with a mischievous twinkle. "But those stickers were already there."

Another giggle fit ensues and the both of us laugh together this time. When we've settled down, I reach out and give his arm a caress. "Thank you so much for this. I can't even express how grateful I am."

"You're welcome," he murmurs, his gaze downcasts onto the hand on his arm. I quickly retract it with a nervous smile, feeling a little silly for getting flustered at how it felt to touch him. He rests his hands on his hips and grins. "So when do you want to move in?"

"Well, as soon as possible, if that's alright?"

"How about tomorrow?" He stretches his arms above his head and rests his fingertips on the lip of the door frame. "You won't have Lydia and I start work on Monday, so it'd be best to do it before then."

"Tomorrow sounds perfect."

I'd almost forgotten that Lydia would be going back to preschool on Monday. She goes three days of the week which is for her benefit, rather than mine. Of course, I can't deny that occasionally the break is needed. Especially on those weeks that she likes to try my patience.

"Lydia!" I call out, deciding that showing her the bedroom might further help my case to move. "Come here a sec!"

The patter of her running feet sounds in the hallway and a moment later, she peeks her head around the corner. Nathan shifts to allow her past. I'm relieved when her sight's immediately set on her corner of the bedroom and she smiles.

"Lyds, when we move, this will be our bedroom. We'll get our own beds again."

Nathan and I watch her wander further into the room with cautious but curious steps. She climbs onto the bed and walks with a wobble towards the wall, her fingers gliding along the stickers.

"How do you like it baby girl?"

She moves away from the wall and drops down so that she's seated on the edge of the bed, kicking her legs back and forth with a thoughtful expression. "Will I still be able to sleep at Nanna and Grandpa's sometimes?"

"Of course, Lyds." I kneel in front of her. "You can stay there and you'll still stay at Daddy's on the weekends, but we'll live here."

"So I get to have three houses?!" She holds up four fingers and I try not to giggle as I fold one down.

"Yeah, I suppose you do. That's pretty cool, isn't it?"

She nods with a splitting grin and to say that I'm relieved is an understatement. I'm the parent, so I'm in charge. But it's still important that she's comfortable and happy.

"Go and play with the barbies a bit longer and then I'll take you to Dad's." I stand up and help her off the bed.

"Hey Lydia." Nathan leans down with his hands on his knees before she can pass him. "If you tiptoe into the kitchen, there's a tin of chocolate chip cookies on the countertop. They're the ones from Barbs Bakery. You know, the best cookies in town—" Lydia nods, her interest peaked— "you can have one if Momma says it's alright."

She looks back at me and clasps her hands together, her expression pleading.

"Yes that's fine," I tell her and she's gone before I can even finish the sentence. "Just one!" I call out and start heading towards the door, stopping in front of Nathan who'd been about to leave as well but stops when he notices that I have something to say.

"Okay, this is kind of hard to say, but it has to be said before I move in." I feel a heat in my cheeks before the words have even come out. But as a mother, this is important. Nathan gives me a curious look and waits for me to elaborate. So I take a deep breath and spill it. "Lydia, while she can be a handful, is my child. So I'll be the one to dish out punishment and consequence. Of course if she's doing something that she shouldn't be, I'm happy for you to tell her that she needs to stop. But time outs, which is my method of punishment, will be directed by me and me only. If you hit, touch or yell at my daughter in anger or otherwise. . .well, no one will find your body. She shouldn't be spoiled tooooo much and just use basic common sense when it comes to certain things. Like, should she want to play on the roof and for whatever reason I'm not around, just say no. I'd also appreciate if you ask me before making promises to her, such as that I'll take her to the zoo, things along those lines."

I take a deep breath and can't help but feel like a little bit of a bitch. But Nathan just wears a smile that's even wider than it had been before.

"You're a great mom." He nods in approval and I can't help but feel a little heated under his intense stare. "You have my word, Spencer."

The strangest thing happens and we just watch each other for a moment. I don't know what the hell it is, or what it means, but it gives me a strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.

"So for real, what possessed you to buy Lydia a dollhouse?" I interrupt the suffocating silence and the two of us start heading down the corridor, finding Lydia munching on a cookie in front of the dollhouse.

"I found a bunch of barbie furniture in the back of Dallas' closet when I was cleaning up," he explains, falling into the sofa. "So I figured I'd get the dollhouse. I thought it might help if she was having doubts about the move."

I feel an overwhelming sense of appreciation. It can't have been cheap, so it means a lot that he'd do that for the simple purpose of making it a bit easier for me. I can see Lydia spending hours with that thing and while I watch her play as I take a seat beside Nathan, I get a sense of homeliness. It feels so good to feel so settled before we've even moved in.

This place feels like home.

• • •

Much love. Until next time. x